Category Archives: Feelings

Beyond the Boundaries, Faith and Spirituality, Feelings, Health, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Third Phase

Tomorrow’s Wall

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Beltane                                                                           Closing Moon

As I wrote here before, my internal timeline comes up short, now around July 8th, does not, will not extend much beyond that. This interferes with the kind of dreaming that moves projects like becoming fluent in Latin and writing a novel forward. With no time in the future-it feels walled off-there is little incentive for the incremental work necessary to move long term projects.

This is frustrating, of course, but the effect, and probably the underlying sense behind it, focuses me on the here and now. This cancer. That appointment. This work around home that needs to get done. Stay close in to the center, don’t try to project your Self and your work out ahead right now.

I trust the anxiety when it comes, as I trust the relief from it. This is not new for me, but the oscillations have become more apparent, their purposes more clear.

Aging, Beyond the Boundaries, Faith and Spirituality, Family, Feelings, Friends, Original Relation, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Third Phase

A Yamantaka Moment

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Beltane                                                        Closing Moon

Yama
Yamantaka

So. Today is June 11th. I feel a small hole in the pit of my stomach. Not often you meet a day when your life is at stake, but this is one of those days for me. This afternoon we’ll find out the stage (severity & aggressiveness) of my cancer. We’ll also decide on a course of treatment.

It’s been an interesting time since the initial news from the biopsy. Once I absorbed that information and read the Schwartz book on Surviving Prostate Cancer, I’ve let the matter go for the most part, at least at a feeling level. There was a bracket around the time between then, late May and now, mid-June. In that bracketed time no new information could be gained and no action could be taken.

Now that bracketed time is over and the next steps, the real choices are just ahead. My confidence level is still high. Kate’s knowledge and support is essential as is encouragement from friends and family. Dr. Eigner is competent and practiced, and, unusually, open to serious questions and probing. I’ve done my research, have a list of questions.

The appointment is at 2:30. More later.

Feelings

Better

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Beltane                                                                              Closing Moon

Closing the deal on the house, Mary’s visit, Jon’s work on the loft and my good echocardiogram have combined to give me a boost. Removing the Andover house from the mental cabinet of worries and the pleasant distraction of Mary’s visit, plus anticipating a real library when Jon finishes makes the future seem real again. Knowing that my heart’s structure is in good shape helped, too.

Next Thursday I see the urologist and we’ll make choices about treatment. The book that Dr. Eigner recommended suggested getting a second opinion, so I asked his office to send my pathology slides out for another reading. The digital rectal exam and the PSA seem sound to me, but the Gleason score is a bit subjective in that involves a pathologist’s judgment on what they see. Since the PSA, the digital exam and the Gleason score are, together, determinant about what treatment makes the most sense, the reading of my biopsy results was the most likely to benefit from a second look. The slides went to John Hopkins last week.

I feel positive about the appointment with Eigner and the probability of a good result from whatever treatment we decide to undertake.

Faith and Spirituality, Feelings, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant.
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Beltane                                                               Closing Moon

When attention defocuses and my mind heads toward default, it no longer picks up a stray red flag: What about the $%*&$NG house in Andover? This creates space for other thoughts to arise, of course, like: what about my prostate? But that’s fine because action on it is ahead and noticing it does not create anxiety, just resolve. This means I now have some free space, some room to expand my horizons. That makes me feel good.

Anoka County, Family, Feelings, Jefferson County, Shadow Mountain, The Move

Closing Moon

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Beltane                                                                      Closing Moon

The closing moon has presided over the sale of 3122 153rd Ave. Northwest, Andover, Minnesota, 55304. We only needed one buyer and, in fact, had only one offer. But, it was a good one, from a couple that will continue our work with the land and with bees. That they want the raised beds, the orchards, the hydroponics, the bee woodenware and will use them all feels like a legacy. And a profound one.

Feels so good to have this behind us. A settled feeling, residing somewhere below the heart, has begun to permeate me. There is no longer that agitated sense that we do not quite belong on Shadow Mountain, that a tie from yesterday makes us not fully present in our new home.

Over the weekend I entertained, briefly, what would happen if the deal with the Vorhee’s fell through. The house would have to go back on the market. We’d continue with two mortgages and utilities. The uncertainty would continue, perhaps through the summer. And, we would have to drop the price again. That felt dismal, like sinking in the great swamp of that name.

Now I can concentrate on dealing with prostate cancer with a single focus, not one divided by financial concerns. I’m confident that the prostate cancer journey will have a good outcome, too, but the path forward still has some unknowns, mostly what sort of treatment we’ll choose. That unknown should disappear on June 11th, after then only the execution and recovery.

 

 

Anoka County, Faith and Spirituality, Family, Feelings, Health, Minnesota, Third Phase

Chunks of our life

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Beltane                                                     Closing Moon

Word on Real Estate Street is that our closing may, if the gods of the under(writer)world are appeased, happen today at 2 pm. May it be so.

Holter monitor gets strapped on at 11:45 this morning and then it’s out to DIA (Denver International) to pick up Mary. She’s flying here from Minneapolis where she goes to see her financial advisor. Mary gets around. She’s been in Greece, Indonesia and I don’t know where else already this year. Her home is still in Singapore.

Which brings up Mark. Brother Mark. Who reports that Riyadh is hot. He also sends me news of bombings and shootings in Saudi Arabia, many of them claimed by the Islamic State. He says he feels safe, especially since he lives near the King’s palace.

Steadier internal seas, less distraction. Even cancer can recede when it becomes ordinary, a part of the inner furniture. That’s not to say it’s out of mind, just relegated to the we’re doing something about this and have to wait pile. This will, I’m sure, go through changes, but right now, a good place.

(How I will feel after the closing actually happens.)

Feelings, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Third Phase, Weather +Climate

Lucky Guy

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Beltane                                                                           Closing Moon

A beautiful day in the neighborhood. Clear blue skies, fluffy clouds over Black Mountain, the air cleared of dust by last night’s rain. Driving to Evergreen on Interstate 70 yesterday afternoon, there were cars pulled alongside the road taking photographs of the snow-capped mountains to the west and the buffalo herd to the north. On an Interstate. Tourist season must be getting underway.

Looking southeast from Sushi Win
Looking southeast from Sushi Win

And I was driving home, turning into the Front Range mountains that surround Evergreen. On a nearby one, Shadow Mountain, is our house. It’s a feeling I have often, feeling lucky to drive these mountain roads to get home.

Eating raw fish is an important part of my occasional diet and Sushi Win in Evergreen got good reviews. It was off Co. 74 and on my way, so I stopped there. The view from the window. Well.

Feelings, Holidays, Memories, US History

Summer’s Gateway

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Beltane                                                                  Closing Moon

Beltane marks the start of the growing season and the Celtic summer on May 1st. Meteorological summer doesn’t start until June 1. The summer solstice isn’t until June 20th/21st. Even so, we have just passed through our cultural gate to the summer season: Memorial Day and the Indy 500.

Yesterday bike riders began to show up in greater numbers, a fact that encouraged a lot of barking here on Shadow Mountain. There goes another one. Woof. And another one. Woof. The doggy equivalent of OMG.

Decoration Day, as it was called when I was a kid, was also the end of the school year. 12 years in the Alexandria, Indiana school system left me deeply imprinted with its meaning. First, we had the last day of school. The student’s equivalent of OMG. Then, we had the Decoration Day parade which ended at the cemeteries on Highway 9. After that, bliss.

Each year since, even today, the day after Memorial Day feels different. Lighter. My heart fills up with possible small adventures: hikes, road trips, movies, long evenings outside with friends. Too, U.S. history becomes more important to me, so I often pick up a Civil War book or something about slavery. This year I imagine they will be about the West.

So, let’s go play!

 

 

Faith and Spirituality, Feelings, Health, Third Phase

OK

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Beltane                                                                New (Closing) Moon

Got to feeling like I was a victim, not of any person, but of the insults to/from my body. I hunkered down, quit working out, quit Latin, quit writing. Almost a month now. Tired of feeling like a victim and I know the only way around the feeling is to stop acting like one.

So, back on the treadmill. Back to Latin and Superior Wolf, let the health matters develop as they need to.

Faith and Spirituality, Family, Feelings, Friends, Health, Third Phase, Woolly Mammoths

Get set, get ready

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Beltane                                                             Beltane Moon

It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood. For a biopsy. Slept well. Think I sussed out on my own the culprit in my lower oxygen readings. Trazodone. I stopped taking it a couple of days ago and I slept well (ironic, since it’s a sleep aid.) plus my breathing has returned to normal.

I have no fear, not even of the procedure itself, nor its possible information. Doesn’t feel like denial. (But, would I know if it was?) The details of the procedure and its possible results are clear to me. Though death does seem to hang around these intersections like a prostitute looking for a trick, I’m in no way tempted. Life, as long it runs, is good.

Whatever transpires, this whole month (it was april 14 when i saw lisa for my physical) has been an intrapsychic marathon, 26 miles of self-examination, staying with the feelings, considering worst outcomes. It has also been a month in which friends (especially the Woollies) and family have helped me stay strong and clear.

It could have been otherwise. One of the things that worried me when we moved out here was the loss of my friends. But I’ve found that those relationships, docents and Woolly Mammoths alike, transcend distance. The warmth and support I’ve felt from all of you is no less, perhaps even a bit more, for traveling 900 miles.

So, thanks to you all. I’ll get back to you with the results.