Oh, well. A pause would have been better.

Imbolc                                                             New (Anniversary) Moon

Black Mountain barely shows itself in the cloud of snow over it. We’ve had snow since yesterday, winter is back. We’re glad here on Shadow Mountain. This Colorado feint of warm weather in the middle of winter keeps me thinking spring, then the sky turns white.

It’s been one of those days when the adult quotient required exceeded my ability to manage it. When I went out and found the guy from Geowater working on our well-head, installing a product I didn’t want, then found out he’d ordered a $1,000 pressure tank to replace our current one, well, let’s just say I didn’t handle it well. WTF! No, I didn’t think it, I said it. Oops. I had them walk back the work order, pushing the day’s bill down from around $7,000 to $2,000.

Then, they nicked a water line from the boiler and had to call a plumber to fix it. That set things back on the right emotional track. I had to get on my hands and knees, literally, to crawl into the space under our house and apologize. I was hot and said sorry. One of the guys fist bumped me and said thanks. The other guy was not quite so quick to forgive. Still, after I apologized that was his issue.

One of those situations where I wish I’d taken the mussar way and introduced a pause between the match and the fuse. I could have gotten the same result without being hostile. Maybe by the time I’m 80?

Anyhow, the ph in our water is now up from 5.2 to 7.5. Much better for the boiler and the copper piping. This was preventive maintenance, something I seem to be doing a lot up here. Of course, our Andover house was a model so everything was new; though over 20 years, we did end up doing some preventive work and some replacements.

 

In, but not of

Imbolc                                                                    Valentine Moon

“Solitude” by Marc Chagall, 1933
“Solitude” by Marc Chagall, 1933

In, but not of. Yesterday at mussar, a spiritual/ethical system within the Jewish tradition, I had a complex moment. We were discussing truth and mercy, the relationship between them. To compare mercy and truth I defined mercy as suspension of judgment. Truth though is a sword and a judgment. If that’s correct, then not all truth is merciful. Rabbi Jamie started to dispute that, but had to leave for his daughter’s wisdom teeth extraction.

truth

In the conversation that followed afterward my use of the sword metaphor was identified as a Christian trope, “I come to not bring peace, but a sword.” I’ve been working very hard over the last year to bracket my mode of theological thinking while absorbing a Jewish style of thinking. This requires effort because though I abandoned Christianity over 30 years ago, my seminary education and professional life as a clergyman reinforced my already strong Judaeo/Christian enculturation. Christianity does still define much of how I think and feel about matters religious and secular.

While that’s obvious, I still felt a flush of embarrassment at being identified with a New Testament informed concept. That flush, as mussar teaches, is an important signal about where growth is necessary.

On the way back up to Shadow Mountain I described my situation to Kate as similar to traveling. “I love to go where the culture is very different from mine, where I’m a stranger. It helps me know my self.” Kate’s journey is one of a Jew deepening her own understanding, her own identity as part of a religious world. My journey is closer to travel, “It feels like I’m traveling on the inside.” In this case no geographic change is necessary for me to be a stranger.

travel

This inner travel exhilarates me, but it also confuses and, in a mild sense, scares me. I’m trying to gain wisdom and personal growth from Beth Evergreen while maintaining my own identity as a pagan. But, not only that. My life as a pagan is not divorced from my enculturation as a Christian. I’m a cultural Christian in many ways. That means I encounter many shocks to my inner world, shocks that wake me up, like a Zen koan, but that also and in the same instance disorient me.

Yaowarat
Yaowarat

It’s like being on Yaowarat Road in Bangkok on a weekend night. On Friday and Saturday night the sidewalks of Bangkok’s Chinatown, of which Yaowarat is the main street, fill up with small restaurants, often two tables, some chairs and a street vendor style kitchen with a wok, propane tank, utensils and a stack of plates and soup bowls. What food are they serving? I don’t know. I speak neither Thai nor Mandarin. Many people are there who do understand the food offerings, how to eat them, but I’m not one of them. I’m in, but not of the street life. Observing, yes, eager to learn, yes, but even after sampling some food and gaining some insight, I will go back to my hotel, a stranger traveling through.

I’m grateful to the folks at Beth Evergreen and Kate for putting up with my being present as a stranger and an inner traveler. A long journey, barely begun.

Sounds. And Silence.

Imbolc                                                                    Valentine Moon

 

There are mountain sounds. The katabatic winds that flow from Mount Evans and its companions rush through the lodgepole pines, soughing and moaning as they head for the plains. In the fall during the elk rut the bugling of the elks, a strange and mournful cry echoes in the canyons. The swirling waters of snow fed mountain streams gurgle and gush their way over rocks and around corners. The cough of a mountain lion, the odd bark of the fox are not often heard, but they are distinctive.

Then, there is the antithesis. When snow falls, as it does right now, it muffles sound, brings silence in its wake. Quiet descends with the snowflakes. There are, too, those not infrequent moments in the forest when there is no wind, the streams flow by, no elks bugle, no birds are singing. The stolid presence of the lodgepoles and lower down the ponderosa, the aspen and the blue spruce highlight the steady, massive, soundless presence of upthrust rock.

All of these, and more, are the wonder of living among the Rockies.

At the Tallgrass Spa

Imbolc                                                                    Valentine Moon

 

tall grass spa

Tallgrass Spa on Upper Bear Creek Road. We had originally intended to go to Maui for my 70th birthday. We wanted to celebrate at Mama’s Fish House, where we’ve had both anniversary and birthday meals. The divorce and its impact on our time created a different focus for this February. Our plan was to celebrate our mutual entry into the 7th decade, Kate having preceded me, as she always does, in things age related.

We decided, instead, to combine our upcoming 27th anniversary (27!) with my birthday and Kate’s of last year by having a couples afternoon at the Tallgrass Spa in Evergreen.

tall grass view

As you drive in to the spa, this is the view toward the west. The mountains give any trip, no matter how short, a sense of majesty. The thirty minute drive from Shadow Mountain to Tallgrass is especially beautiful.

Upper Bear Creek Road begins at Evergreen Lake and continues for some miles. Along it are homes, many of them, that are big, stony or wooden, with elaborate grounds. This one sold recently for $2,300,000.

upper bear creek road

That was getting there. Once in the Spa we were given sandals to wear, shown to a room where we could change into Tallgrass robes (blue, one size fits all) and then taken to a quiet lounge area, beautiful with a fireplace, and a view of the mountains.

First, we had an 80 minute massage lying on tables next to each other with lots of hot oil, slippery hands, the scent of eucalyptus and mint and bergamot and, for me, a heated blanket, not for my Scandinavian wife.

In their relaxation of muscles the hands of the masseuse triggered memories, ones held in the body, not sure how they were resident there, but they were. An obvious one was her treatment of my knee, still somewhat swollen from the surgery. When her hands were on it, the journey of the last three months came forward. At another spot I remembered a moment in Rome on our honeymoon.

The biggest revelation though was the amount of tension, of anxiety I carried. As she relaxed me, I could feel my body tense, trying to get back to the state with which it had become familiar. We both knew the last nine months had been difficult ones for our family, but like all things, even that difficulty can become normal. On that table at Tallgrass my body told me so.

After this was a spa lunch, turkey sandwich for Kate, brie and fig sandwich for me. It was a pleasant time, sharing the lunch in the quiet lounge. We were creating a memory, probably the long time result, perhaps an alternative body narrative, too, for the last few months. That is, it was possible to relax even in the midst of family turmoil.

The last event of our day there was a pedicure. I’ve gone 70 years, literally, without ever having had a pedicure. The process fascinated me. In this room there were four throne like chairs lifted above the floor on risers, two steps up to them. Below the chair is a basin, a small sink, filled with soapy water. The pedicurist sits at the basin. Bare feet go into the water and the pedicurist cleans them, a very biblical, foot-washing moment and surprisingly intimate.

Did I want short or long nails? Short. She clipped my already short nails with a nail clipper. An implement somewhat like a dental pick but with a flattened end went underneath and around the toenails. Cuticle cream, tan and squirted on in small dabs, softened the cuticles, allowing Becky to clip my cuticles. I forgot the emery board which she used to smooth off rough edges.

All the while conversation was going back and forth among Kate, her pedicurist, Becky, me, and the woman getting her feet done in the chair next to Kate. The woman next to Kate was having a spa day paid for by her employer. Her husband was a chef. “I only make reservations,” she said, a line she’d obviously used before.

The talk turned to animals, llamas, dogs, mastiffs and rescues and bulldogs. Kate’s pedicurist, whose name I don’t recall, had a pitbull mix that had been attacked by a mountain lion a month and a half ago, but survived. She and Becky both live in Bailey. Sobering. Kate, whose throne was in the middle, could see out into a meadow across from Tallgrass where a herd of mule deer and several elk bucks wandered.

Exfoliation with a salt scrub came next. Becky rubbed a gently scratchy substance onto my feet, one at a time, sloughed it off with water, foliation and hydration with oil followed.

Touch, human touch, was the theme of the whole day. Where the massage was quiet, the pedicure was chatty, friendly and the lunch was just for us two. I’m now launched into my seventh decade, partnering with Kate as she walks the path, always ahead of me.

Red Flag

Imbolc                                                                    Valentine Moon

Fiskar-Pole-Saw-Went out yesterday with the pole saw and began the task of trimming branches on our lodgepole pines. OMG. Working that saw, always over my head, wore me out pretty fast though I did get several trees limbed. Splintered Forest rents power pole saws and I might rent one for the rest of the work.

I did this work in honor of the red flag warning (highest fire danger) we had yesterday. Limbing up to ten feet prevents a grass fire’s spread into the trees. The branches below 10 feet act as ladder fuel, giving the fire a way to climb. Otherwise the trees are not nearly as combustible. It felt good to be outside, a sunny day, warmish but still cool.

Shadow Mountain is just below the R in warning.
Shadow Mountain is just below the R in warning.

There was a video clip of the recent Meyer’s Ranch grass fire on Pinecam.com. Meyer’s Ranch is near us. When I saw the fire licking up around the tree trunks, it prompted thinking about ladder fuel. The reality was very easy to see.

We chose to live here, so we have to take these matters into account. In a big fire, a crown fire or one whipped by the winds that often roar down mountain, we’ll probably lose the house anyway. This work means that in something less than that it might survive. Being close to the main road, Black Mountain Drive (aka Co. 78), and having a flat, short driveway means firefighters will work to save our house. That ups our odds, too.

And, on that cheery note, I’ll make all this a metaphor. Donald Trump is a red flag warning for our democracy. If we don’t do the important maintenance now and for the next four years, we might lose the White House and self-governance. Get out that pole saw and call your congressperson.

 

The All Clear

Imbolc                                                                          Valentine Moon

20170129_112922Kate’s clear, up and down. Endoscopy and colonoscopy show no problems. That’s a relief. When we came out of Swedish hospital (I know, the Scandinavian touch was right for these two former Minnesotans), the day was one of those gifts Colorado gives frequently bright blue sky, luminous sun, even a bit warm. As in the weather, so in our hearts.

Now, a short rant. Televisions. Every damned where. Waiting rooms, airports, bars, the cafeteria at the hospital. They’re a drug. And, they’re loud, not to mention filled with drivel. Muzak became ubiquitous, too, but noisy colorful images positioned in places where I want peace is an invasion of my inner world and not a welcome one. OK. Rant over. Well, not quite. Plus now most people are looking at their phones while the tv blares. I left the waiting room for a much quieter seat in the hallway. The hallway!

20170204_181447Jon’s grown weary of all the moving, as well he might. Moving stuff carries a physical cost, but even more, it carries a psychological cost. There’s the velveteen rabbit in reverse grief, the burden of baggage, the repetitive actions, but most of it comes from the constant reminder of a huge change. Even when the move is voluntary, the psychological cost is high. When the move has the additional overlay of divorce and animosity, the cost can sometimes exceed our capacity to absorb. That can leave us depleted in heart and body.

Ruth has a phone. She got her dad’s old one when he replaced it. This means I can reach her by text now. She and her friends have a group text that they use a lot sending selfies, pictures of their meals, comments about their day. This is the world of the digital native and it’s different than the one in which I grew up. The communications 20170129_110437aspect of it is a cultural transition similar I imagine to the introduction of the telephone in its impact.

But, oddly, instant communication often interferes with the personal, the immediate, as even when they are together, heads and hands are all too often directed towards the phone and away from the flesh and blood presence. Not sure what the implication of this is, but it feels icky to me.

We’re already getting prepared for the Renaissance Fair. We all plan to go in costume. Ruth’s working on her’s. I’m growing my beard and hair so I can be a credible wizard. The Colorado Renaissance Fair is in mid-summer, so it’s a ways away, time for the sewing to get done and my beard to extend.

 

 

You know, daily life.

Imbolc                                                                      Valentine Moon

Sundays still exist out of time for me, as if they’re not quite real. They are my rest day from exercise and I usually read, watch TV or movies, do something outside the house. This is psychological residue from years as a Methodist, then Presbyterian. I often worked on Sundays, but just in the mornings. Now, with a pagan sensibility, that old imprinting, the mood of Sundays, still prevails. Seems odd to me, but it happens anyway.

Today is Kate’s colonoscopy. She’s been prepping since 6 pm yesterday. For those of you who’ve had one, you know that’s the fun part. The actual test itself, tinctured with some conscious sedation, is not a big deal, unless of course it reveals some precancerous polyps or actual cancer. They’re relatively quick, over in a half an hour. Then, a good lunch.

Ruth, here for a day of President’s Day skiing with her dad, got sick yesterday afternoon. She spiked a fever in the late evening. “I want my daddy!” Daddy was in Denver finishing up the move I mention below. He did finally get home and things took a turn for the better.

Red flag warning tomorrow, high winds and low humidity mean real and present danger of wildfire. Time to find the pole saw and get to work. The next phase of fire mitigation, which I didn’t finish last year, involves trimming branches on the lodgepoles up to 10 feet above the ground. Branches lower than that potentially become ladder fuel, allowing a grass fire to climb up the ladders into the tree itself.

Well, time for my workout. I’ve successfully shifted them to the early morning, mimicking my appointment times at physical therapy. It will be better in the summer months, too, when the heat builds in the afternoon and mornings are still cool.

 

 

Breaking: Survivors of Bowling Green Massacre to go to Sweden in Show of Support

Imbolc                                                                         Valentine Moon

Breaking: Survivors of Bowling Green Massacre to go to Sweden in Show of Support

This morning the survivors of the Bowling Green massacre announced they will be journeying to Sweden to show support for what is happening in that country.  The trip came together quickly, soon after the president highlighted the terror that is occurring in Sweden because of their immigration policies.  It was for the Bowling Green group nothing less than a call to arms to help and support their Swedish brothers and sisters in their hours of need.

“The parallels between the Bowling Green massacre and the terror in Sweden are extraordinary,” said one member of the Bowling Green group.

“I feel as the terror victims of Sweden and I exist in the same small universe,” said another.

The group expects to be welcomed by the Swedish government.  “I have contacted them and they said we could get together and smoke a little something,” said the leader of the group.  “An activity that I hope will bring us together in important ways.  We share so much, we are in many ways the only ones who can understand each other.”

The group will then stop at Maro-Lago on the way home.  “We won’t be able to get in of course,” the leader of the group said.  “But we will hold a candle light vigil outside, across the water, eating Subway sandwiches.  We just want the president to know we are there and we exist….at least in his own mind.

February. Rushing By.

Imbolc                                                           Valentine Moon

February Les_Très_Riches_Heures_du_duc_de_Berry_février
February, from the Très riches heures du Duc de Berry

February always seems to scoot by so fast. It’s the 19th and there are only 9 days left, this not being a leap year. I suppose one reason February seems to move so fast to me is my birthday is in the exact middle of the month, except for those leap years.

Last leap year we plunged over the cliff and down the snake hole into Trumpland. At least that can’t happen again this year; though we do have to navigate the never (we wish) land created by the Disney of political horror. Perhaps Trump is Peter Pan, the boy who would not grow up. If so, does that make Kellyann Conway his Tinkerbell? Even if she dresses like the toy soldier from the Nutcracker Suite?

Went grocery shopping with Ruth yesterday. First time I’ve gone in a while. It was fun having Ruth along. She finds many things that she needs, things not on the list. Yesterday one of them was a potato bagel that we shared on the way back home. Delicious.

divorceJon moves the last of his things out of Pontiac Street today. I’m hopeful this will be a sharp demarcation point, maybe a turning point in the whole divorce process. His considerable work on that house made it a difficult place to leave and to be shut out of for the last nine months. The restraining order made it so. Finally removing the physical objects that bound him there will help him look forward, no longer tethered by dishes, records, bicycles, pots and pans and books still lodged, like something between the teeth, in his former home.

Our contribution will be taking care of Gabe and Ruth today.