Yule and the New Year Moon

Where’s the Webb? From home? 641000 miles. To L2 257000 miles. 71% of journey complete. Slower yet at .2639 mps. Mission day 13. Yesterday the aft instrument radiator got deployed. Today the primary mirror begins to unfold from its launch position. This begins the last deployment,  the mirror segments. Complete by mission day 15. Then it’s cruise on, slow, slow, slow. Puff, puff, puff and L2 insertion.

Friday gratefuls: Mussar. Rabbi Jamie. Jodi, Bowe, and Brian. Coming today. Finish early next week, I imagine. Choice. Daily. Too much choice. Habit. Routine. Bed sheets. The family crate. Safeway. Grocery pickup. Covid. Kate, always and still, Kate.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Max in his parka, a snow angel.

Tarot-January spread: Money-The Wanderer, 0 in the major arcana

The whole team gathers here at 9:15. Me. Bowe and Brian. Jodi. We’ll discuss last steps to complete the work. I have a punch list but so far it’s pretty small. Bowe anticipates my concerns and fixes them. Wish I could hire him for everything carpentry I need to get done. Maybe I can?

If I had gone with the Karman cabinets, I would have had a three month wait for delivery. End of January. Even with delays I’m ahead of the curve. Bowe had bookings into March so it could have been much later. Even with Brian’s pokiness this is faster.

I heard one complaint he had: can’t hire good help these days. I’m sure the pool of folks looking for work in Fairplay is not big to begin with and the Great Resignation has upended the entry level job market.

His work is not quite as good as I’d anticipated, but it’s good. Good enough. I like it. I imagined custom cabinetry like in a fancy built home. Not that level. But maybe the next level down. Better than mass produced for sure.

Brian reminds me a bit of Gollum. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Oh, you’ll like these, sir. Attention to detail. Oh, yes. An obsequiousness that hides deep resentment. Not to me, we don’t know each other well enough to have that sort of bad blood, but to customers. To the folks who put demands on his time. To the world which has not seen his genius. Makes me sad.

Read an article on Languishing that ancient brother Paul recommended. Here’s the article’s definition: “Languishing is a sense of stagnation and emptiness. It feels as if you’re muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield.” The author describes languishing as the middle ground between depression and flourishing.

I recognize the symptoms in myself. Covid has gone on too long. Add grief. Hard to get the motor runnin’, get out on the highway. I’ve gotten stuff done, mostly d3 stuff, domestic duty day things. The remodel, Herme pushed back against this tendency to slow down, way down around 4 pm.

Finding a center point for my life, finding a way to make my schedule creativity friendly, that’s the big on the table right now issue for me as a person. I feel like this is a good time to go for it.

My grief has had the tincture of time. Part of me now, reminding me always of the beauty and power of my love for Kate, hers for me. I carry it as a gift today, not a burden.

Covid. Well, not gone. For sure. But. I am in a better place, not where I need to be, but better. In spite of omicron. As long as I stay at home, or meet with friends, it barely affects me. I’m tired of masks, yes. I’m tired of thinking about vaccines, about being high risk, yes. I can, however, see an endpoint, a time when covid becomes a flu equivalent. Maybe a booster at a certain time. Masks in some situations. Not an everyday, what’s the death count kinda thing anymore. This year. The truth is out there.

Yule and the 2% crescent of the Winter Solstice Moon

Where is the Webb? Interesting. It’s just over 50% of the way to L2 this morning. 52%. 474000 miles from Earth, 424000 to Lagrange 2. On mission day 7 it’s coasting, slowing. Now at .4082 mps. 1470 mph. Still gradually unfolding as it goes.

Saturday (and 2022 so far) gratefuls: 2021 is in the books. 2022 arrived with six inches of snow. First time out of high Fire danger since July. Jon, Ruth, and Gabe up for New Years. Medical Guardian. New Moon coming. Glad for clean calendar, no memories in it. Leaning toward the future, honoring the past. Celebrating in the present.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The New Year

Tarot past-present-future spread: Ace of Stones, The Foundation of Life; Six of Bows, Abundance; Queen of Stones, Bear

Auspicious. Always love that word. Has a Chinese ring to it to me. 2022 already and in an important way. On New Year’s eve and continuing through this morning we’ve received over six inches of fluffy new Snow. As I noted in the gratefuls, this is the first day since early July when we are not in high fire danger.

Ironic and sad that it came a day after the Boulder County fire. Now we can switch anxiety to slick Mountain roads and Ice dams. Just kidding. Feels so good to have Fire off the table for a while. Hopefully until late May, June.

Up at 8 am though I only stayed up until 9:35 pm. I told Gabe that was midnight in Grandpa world. When I got up to what Gabe now calls my lair, it was 2 degrees outside, 2% humidity, and 2 degree windchill. The winds subsided yesterday. Glad.

Finished Wild Seed by Octavia Butler a couple of days ago. Paul Strickland recommended. A good, strange book. Butler died in 2006. She wrote Afrofuturist science fiction. Wouldn’t know how to describe this book. A mythology of sorts. Doro and Anyanwu’s back story. It was the last published in her Patternist series, but the earliest in terms of the series chronology.

Butler was the first science fiction writer to win a MacArthur genius grant. I can see why. Her work, this is the first one I’ve read, is not like anything else I’ve read, science fiction or otherwise.

Gonna leave this for now and go see the kids and Jon downstairs. I’ll do a proper New Year’s post later today.

Samain and the Winter Solstice Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Gabe and his beef stew. Gabe, Ruth, Jon. Jon and the zoom today. Family circling the wagons. The kitchen. The pause. Holiseason. Winter Solstice and the beginning of Yule on Tuesday. Christmas Eve present: Launch of the James Webb Telescope. That guy under the porch eating my neighbor’s chickens. (see pic) Seven lean years. Seven fat years? Kate. That sweety.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mountain Lions, our neighbors, too.

Tarot: Ten of Vessels, Happiness. wildwood

Took Jon, Ruth, and Gabe to Benihana. Not because I like it, I don’t, but because Gabe loves it. You can’t not have a good time here, he said. What a joint. All tepanaki tables. Could use a refresh. The latest reservation they had yesterday was 3:15 pm. Yet, the place had full tables. A perfect spot to contract Omicron. Not my brightest idea this year. A Hanukkah gift from me to Gabe.

And, it’s expensive! The food was ok. There was the usual clanging spatulas and forks. Food cooked in safflower oil right there. That’s what Gabe likes about it. Our cook spent most of his time talking with the nubile young lasses, three of them. A lot of smiling, joking, hair caressing. Even Ruth had that, oh my gosh he’s cute smile on her face.

In the morning I studied the Tree of Life Tarot spread. Luke Coaciello and I will have lunch on Monday. My first ever experience as a Tarot card reader will follow. I’ll have to use my notes because the Tree of Life spread has many, many permutations. It’s a spread that lays out the cards in the same structure as the Tree of Life. The cards’ meanings get changed, heightened, intensified by the sephirot on which they fall. 72 different Tarot cards and 10 sephirot.

I’m mildly excited to put my growing knowledge of Tarot to use. Have no idea if I’ll ever do another reading after this one.

Zoom call today with the sisters and Jon. Talk about how to help Jon through this crisis.

Gabe has begun to blossom. He cooks on his own, asks if he can help when he’s up here, thinks of others. Not sure what prompted this change, but it’s refreshing and encouraging. He thinks he might want to work at Benihana. Here he is the Benihana hat. A boy in his happy place.

Ruth has become a go to babysitter, making cash. Gives her a bit of freedom. She claims she’s going to help pay the insurance on Ivory, the Rav4 Kate and I gave to Jon for her to drive when she gets her license.

Sad that Sarah and Paul will not make it out here for Christmas. Looked forward to seeing them.

I sent out a letter yesterday about my idea for linking faith communities to the needs of the New Builders. I’ll close with a copy of it.

Rabbi Jamie, Luke,

Here’s the link that set me thinking. The New Builders. Levine is with Foundry Group, based in Boulder. At the time I didn’t realize the woman with him was the CEO of Sistahbiz A Denver based business accelerator for Black women. In my initial thoughts I imagined creating something like Sistahbiz. Not necessary.

Another key player here is EforAll, the Colorado extension of a Massachusetts business accelerator. Levine connected with EforAll through the story of a woman New Builder in Lawrence, Mass. Now they’re here, too.

This feels like a big opportunity to me. It’s the sort of thing I used to do in Minnesota. Get an idea, get some folks together, make something happen.

Rabbi Jamie mentioned getting Levine to come give a talk. Great idea. Putting New Builders into the CBE book club. Ditto.

Here are some baby ideas that I have. Others will occur to you two, to others.

First, I worked for two years on building a Minnesota equivalent to the fundacion grupo social in Bogota, Colombia. Here is their mission statement: Contribute to overcoming the structural causes of poverty to build a just, supportive, productive and peaceful society.

Google translate will help you if you don’t have Spanish like me.

This work included staff from Northwest Bank, the Roman Catholic Church, community organizations, and many Christian denominations. We failed because of the recession of 1988. Could still happen. The fundacion provides banking and business services to the poorest of the poor. And, was a while ago anyhow the 10^th largest corporation in Colombia.

Second. A sit down with Levine, Sistahbiz, EforAll. Talk about how the faith community might help. Then, a sitdown with interested people from the faith community. Idea: create a way for churches and synagogues to contribute both capital and expertise for Black New Builders. I don’t know what it would look like. Might by a fundacion style banking institution. Might be something like S.C.O.R.E. Might be direct loans and/or investments.

Third. Minimalist. A public relations campaign to Denver Metro synagogues and churches about the possibilities.

Fourth. At some point the Denver Economic Development Office, the State’s too, should be brought into the conversation. Both will be flush after passage of Build Back Better.

There are lots of possibilities here. The aim, imho? Create a permanent, institutional presence that supports the small business dreams of Black men and women. That understands the structural dilemmas facing Black New Builders. That works at the roots of these problems.

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Samain and the Winter Solstice (no kitchen) Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Shirley Waste Pickup. Bowe. And, the kitchen demolition. Seeing the walls of my kitchen. Jon’s colonoscopy/endoscopy. Being with him on the way out and back. No microwave. No sink. No cabinets. Rigel and Kep, not sure what’s going on here. Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli in Lone Tree. That salami and provolone sandwich.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Agency

Tarot: Six of Arrows, transition.  wildwood

Coffee perking up here in the loft. I can smell it, see it. Yes, it’s kitchen remodel time! Busy day Monday. Full day with Jon yesterday, driving to Aurora to pick him up, then down to Lone Tree for his imaging, back to Aurora, then drive home in the early rush hour. Exhausted when I got back to an empty kitchen. Well, almost empty. The dishwasher, new induction stove, and the refrigerator are still there.

By keeping the appliances, including the microwave, and not putting in a new floor (the current one has radiant heat), I saved additional expense. But. It does mean we have to match the tile in some fashion. That’s imposed some limits on aesthetics.

Not going to be quite as busy today. Until later. Funeral at 2 pm for Rabbi Jamie’s mother-in-law. Going on zoom. Tom’s coming to take advantage of Colorado’s green free zone. And to spend some time with me. After the funeral we’ll connect.

The last two days have hammered me. Too much driving. Which I find exhausting these days. I forgot to take Herme out of the car yesterday so he visited Aurora and Lone Tree. Going on the downstairs table for now.

Took a beat on the way in to pick up Jon and went up Colorado Blvd to the Modern Bungalow. This place has Amish furniture but most of it made in the arts and crafts style. Their inventory fits well with the Stickley furniture Kate and I bought a long time ago.

A rocking chair. A chandelier. And, a floor lamp. From them. Not right now, but I wanted to see the stuff in person. Like it. The rocker I saw was perfect. Also looking for a low table, but something unique. Not in the arts and crafts style. At least most likely not. Something organic, think stone or wood with live edges.

A cool spot with lots of nice things. I gotta get out here before I spend a lot of money. Owner: No. Stay!

Jon’s trying to figure out why he’s lost 40 pounds and has neuromuscular problems in his leg. Big problems but no explanations. At least right now. His ability to do daily work has taken a substantial hit. Makes it hard for him to stay employed.

Hope he gets some diagnostic news. Without a problem definition, there’s no solution.

Remember I said there might be an issue that could slip past my old guy in the mountain top Hermitage defenses? Well. Might have found one. A small business support, start-up help effort. A local Jewish venture capitalist, Seth Levine, Boulder, has a special take on “entrepreneurship.” His book, just out, using the term New Builders because of the stereotypical view of business startups as coastal, white male, and tech.

According to his data the vast bulk of new start-ups are by women and black women in particular. In the middle of the country. I love his idea. He’s in Boulder. He’s Jewish. Rabbi Jamie has a close connection with a Black congregation in Denver. I love synergy in these situations and I can see it coming into existence here. Around what? I don’t know, but something connected to women-owned, black-owned startups, small business support. Possibly linking Denver Jewish congregations into the mix. Using as leverage the more progressive congregation way out here in the Foothills. Could happen. Might be fun.

Samain and the Holiseason Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: The Turkey Liberation Front. Stuffing. Family and friends. Clouds. Drought. Woolly Mammoth tusk found ten miles off Monterey Coast. 200,000 years old. That’s older than even Frank. Mark in Minnesota. Honey Baked Ham. In the frig. Ready. Safeway pickup after I talk with Diane. Jon, Ruth, Gabe. Coming tonight.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Rigel shook off her hang dog look. (I think she had indigestion. From that glove of mine she ate.)

Tarot: Message of the three card spread from yesterday. We will have a joyful Thanksgiving. If we remember Kate (we will), and rejoice in our time together. (and I intend to)

Bit the quartzite bullet. Ouch. $$$. Not gonna settle. I want a beautiful kitchen. Jodi and Bowe came by. Brian, the Fairplay cabinetmaker whom we chose because my cabinets would be handmade and available in time to get the work done before Christmas, told Jodi he needs more time. Ah, the joys of remodeling.

I liked Bowe. He seems competent and confident. A good combination. The sticking point is this: Bowe can do demo and install the new cabinets in two days. Give or take. But he has to wait to finish the backsplash and the plumbing until the quartzite fabricators measure, cut, polish, deliver, and install the counter top. So, if he has to wait a week on Brian, that means a tight, tight schedule with the waiting time on the countertop.

All in all, not a big deal. With one exception. I have to empty all of my cabinets. I don’t feel comfortable putting things away in the new kitchen until it’s done. A long time to have everything in boxes. I can still cook, use the refrigerator, and the microwave though I don’t know about the sink.

As most of you already know, remodeling means people a large sum of money to inconvenience you in your own home. I don’t have the wherewithal, nor the desire, to move out during the work.

The end result though. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Decided I’m going to find a personal trainer who will come to the house. I don’t need a lot. A new workout every 6-8 weeks. Attention to form so I do the exercises correctly. I like Deb Brown and On the Move Fitness but I don’t feel comfortable going in with Covid surging. Especially, I’m sure, after Thanksgiving.

I do have questions about physical fitness and the aging body. What is my goal? I understand the cardio goal, I think. Work the heart hard, often. At faster and slower intervals. But in the resistance work I’m not trying to bulk up. Never was, certainly not now. How do I know when I’m doing enough resistance work? Do I really need to do three sets? Those sort of questions. Even the cardio. I’ve read too much and absorbed too little.

Trying to bring Kate in closer. Has resulted in more tears. But I expected that. Kate and I are still together, always will be. Unlike, for example, Raeone and me, Judy and me. Kate and I shaped each other. Not so much with Judy and Raeone. A bit, of course, but nothing at the soul level.

Had an insight about mussar. Jewish ethics it’s called, but it’s actually about practical ways to improve character. We learn about midot, character traits. Examples: joy, patience, judging another favorably (and, ourselves), loving-kindness, curiosity, courage of the heart. Each session we come up with a practice to help us “get” the character trait.

Here’s the insight. It’s not so much learning about the character traits that’s important. It’s the constant willingness to examine ourselves and pay attention to the ethical choices we make that creates a heightened awareness of how we are in the world. That awareness is the gift of studying mussar. One I imagine you could gain by studying Buddhism or Taoism with a similar intensity and regularity.

It is not, let me emphasize, a guilt trip. You could take it there, but that’s sorta silly. The core of mussar teaching recognizes our humanness, our flaws and our strengths. Work on one, build on the other. Life-long journey.

When you add tarot into the mix, another route into the development of character opens up. Archetypal work. Venturing into the collective unconscious. Like mussar tarot guides us into looking at parts of ourselves we might otherwise gloss over or outright ignore. Both tarot and mussar require unflinching honesty. That’s another psychic muscle that gets bulked up in both. Without honesty we fall prey to our prejudices, our assumptions, our too quick takes on the world.

Let me give you two examples. The first, about judging the whole of a person favorably. When I encountered this idea in mussar a month and a half ago, I realized in my thinking about Jon I had allowed myself to focus on what I found lacking in him. (note: by my standards, probably not his) When I balanced those things with the good parenting, no, excellent parenting, the long arc of his art teaching career, his own art making, his tender heart, I realized I had an unbalanced approach to him.

Since then, I’ve changed my interactions with him, trying to respond to those positive characteristics and reinforce them. To give him support in critical life areas that can reduce his anxiety. Result? I feel better about my interactions with him and he seems to be eager to interact. A positive change.

Tarot: Each card I draw for a daily oracle or the cards dealt for me during my Tree of Life spread reading with Mark Horn invite me to investigate areas of my life I might miss, or deny.

In the Tree of Life spread I had the Emperor in the Keter position and the 9 of Swords in Malkut. The Emperor suggested I look at how my organizational skills might help some as yet unidentified cause. I’m moving in the hermit direction but the Emperor suggests I should not foreclose any particular style of living. I’m currently resisting the idea of becoming engaged with or creating a new organization and might continue to. But even the resistance is a creative tension. Making me consider facets of my new life I might have pushed away.

The nine of Swords in Malkut, the opposite position on the Tree of Life from Keter, this world as opposed to the whole universe, suggested I had grief work to do before I could move on to the next phase of my life. Specifically, I have to bring Kate in closer as a blessed memory, as a daily helper, as a net positive in my psyche. This is to counter my remorse over feeling good when I wonder if I should still be feeling bad.

Continued feeling grief stricken will cripple me. Block me for a new vision. I sense my movement is in the direction of bringing her in closer. But, I’m not there yet.

Time. As Kate would say, the tincture of time.

Samain and the Holiseason Moon

Saturday gratefuls: The electrician and his dog, Lulu. Omega Electric. The mini-splits with power. Jodi. Brought a copy of the quartzite Taj Mahal and some of the brick backsplash. Plus, cabinet samples. One with the stain. Which is very close to the Stickley. Missed workout with all the busyness.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: New kitchen by Christmas

Tarot: Three of Swords, Druid Craft

Electricity out in the loft all day. Running conduit to the mini-split. Forgot to ask the electrician’s name, but we bonded over Rigel and Kepler. He has a Shibu Inu/Husky mix, Lulu. She’s a cutey. Looks like a miniature Husky.

I have a new, larger electrical panel in the garage. More space. David will come on Monday or Tuesday to walk me through operation and maintenance of the mini-splits. From Tom and his colleague to my walls in less than four months. The spring will be a much happier experience. And, perhaps, this winter, too. Though. Not counting on that.

The other project, the kitchen remodel, got a check written yesterday. That means matters have gotten serious. Right now it will be rich brown, espresso cabinets, a brick backsplash, and a slightly veined white cabinet top. And, a farmer’s sink. Jodi says it will be underway the week after Thanksgiving and finished before Christmas.

I’ve got boxes by the fireplace. I have to clear out the kitchen before the demolition begins. That will take awhile. Gonna look for a reupholsterer for the couch so it can be gone during the kitchen work. I’ll have enough money left over to buy an additional chair for the upstairs. Not sure if I will or not. Might just go with the Stickley and the leather chair I’ve used for several years.

Although I’ve not used the fireplace much, especially since Kate got sick and I got diagnosed with COPD (later changed to post-polio syndrome), I couldn’t resist ordering, from Ireland, a box of peat logs. Gotta get some firewood, too. The post-polio diagnosis means a little smoke from a fireplace is not gonna create a problem.

The reason for the peat logs? The Faery Faith, the book By Evans-Wentz. He gathered stories of the auld Celtic faith in Scottish, Irish, Welsh, and Breton homes. The Irish heated with peat and I want to smell it.

They came yesterday while I talked with the electrician. A heavy box, though not very large. Maybe 2 feet long and six inches square.

Kep and Rigel slept back to back with me. A cool night with warm dogs. Perfect.

Three of Swords:

“Keywords: Heartache. True growth. Wisdom from suffering.

Meaning: True growth and transformation. Heartache, out of which can come healing and emotional maturity.” DCB

Heartache? Oh, yes. Suffering. Quite a bit. Growth? Feels like it. Quieter. Calmer. The worst has happened. I’ve had to integrate Kate’s death into a new life. On the cusp. Learned to lean on those who love me. While loving them back. Perhaps that’s all the wisdom we need?

Transformation. We’ll see. I feel different, my life feels like its contours have changed. But. Am I different? Hard to say from the inside. In many ways my life and I are the same.

I come home to 9358 Black Mountain Drive. Kep and Rigel get fed, cared for. I see folks from CBE, commune with my ancient friends at the electrical hearth. Family, too. I buy groceries, cook, pay bills. See to my own medical issues.

What’s different? Kate’s gone. And, my physical, in this world, relationship with her. It’s now Kep, Rigel, and me. I make decisions on my own, without my partner. Though. I do hear her voice. The responsibilities here are now all mine. To be fair, however, that was true for quite a while before now.

I’m not sure I can define the transformation well. At least this morning. Maybe later. I’ll ask others, see what they see. Some significant things have changed, I know. But what they are? Not sure.

Samain and the crescent moon of the thinned veil

Wednesday gratefuls: Carol and Bill. Easy Entrees. Frigidaire. Ruby. Kep and Rigel. Cold air. Diane. RJ. Kate’s bequest to me. Jon. The Subaru now a donation. Bay empty. Jodi comes by Friday to show me a cabinet stain sample and a counter top possibility, Taj Mahal. Heheh. Fancy. Great workout this morning. Life. Death. Family, friends, and community.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Hermit neon sign

Tarot:  The Moon, #18 in the Major Arcana

Got up late. 7:28 am. Zoom with Diane at 8, then RJ at 9. Workout after. Lunch and nap. 5 pm and here I am writing today’s post. Feel like a delinquent. But, a well rested delinquent.

Life has begun to have flavor again. A sweet taste. No longer a mashup of love, duty, sleeplessness, stress. No longer a grief dominated over burden. Just life. This mayfly moment. And that feels pretty damned good.

Tomorrow I’m going in to Morry’s Neon to decide on colors for my hermit sign. Glen insisted, saying that neon colors are different than those that can be rendered in an image. True, I’m sure. Anyhow an interesting time, to see the inside of a neon sign shop.

Jon and I will have lunch since I’ll be in Denver. He says he’s feeling better. Like his endocrine system has quieted down, gone back to its job. The Subaru left the property early this morning. On its way to CPR coffers as a donation.

Jodi plans to come by on Friday around 1 with the cabinet stain sample and a new counter top possibility. All means the kitchen project has momentum. In the new kitchen by Christmas, she hopes. Because of my increasingly Jewish family and friend base, in by Christmas doesn’t have quite the same zing it might’ve. But, still.

I’ll spend some of Christmas with the Colorado and the Maine Stricklands. At Mike and Kate’s on Christmas day and at the Buckhorn on the day after. Looking forward to that.

Well. Rigel is being a pest, barking, barking, barking to go inside. So I’m going to end this here. See you on the flip side.

Samain and the Crescent Moon of the Thinned Veil

Monday gratefuls: Kep and Rigel. My friends. That crescent Moon with Mercury nearby. In the morning fog. Aunt Hecate and the Weird Sisters. BJ in her Queen of the Night costume. In Rebecca’s mink stole. LOL. Gabe and his very big hair as Bob Ross. Ruthie as the invisible woman. My costume, all made by Kate. Arlo the Almost Magnificient. The veil itself. The Otherworld. Celtic myth and lore. Religion.

Sparks of joy and awe: The Crescent Moon of the Thinned Veil in fog

Tarot: The Three of Pentacles

The Saga of Roger. As some of you may know, Roger spirited himself away from me at Gaetano’s. Or, perhaps, a latter Smaldone snatched him. Maybe I should check Bobby the Fence? Anyhow, even after a C note reward, his disappearance remains a mystery. A $1,400 mystery. Until yesterday evening I had decided to pull up my big boy pants and spend another $1,400. I like the Roger.

But. The Samsung washer, always a bit crazy, has gone full bore loon. On occasion it would show an error, but one I could eliminate by repeated pushing of the off and on button. A bit of a hassle, but NBD. Over the last six months the periods of crazy have far outstripped the times of working. Call a repair guy you might say. Sure. But this is the electronics, the motherboard and all its little washer chilluns. A repair guy told us, way back when Kate began complaining about it, that the only fix is a $900 replacement electronics unit. Still true. And the washer is now 7 years old.

Consumer Reports, oh, Ouija of the appliance world, tell me what washer I should buy. Yeah. It’s down to that. I have a load of towels and sweatshirts in the washer, but over the last day plus I’ve not been able to convince the damned thing to do its job.

Tired of it. So, instead of a Roger, I’m going to get a new washer. I know about the Roger now and perhaps I’ll get one in the future, but for now I’m going to eat my loss and move on. To cleaner clothes. Done. New LG on the way from Best Buy. Delivery November 8th. Seoah, ever the wise Korean consumer, told Kate and me that Samsung makes great phones and terrible appliances, LG is the reverse. After losing a Samsung dryer and washer to strange issues, I’m following daughter-in-law wisdom. And, Consumer Reports.

Next up. Medicare advantage policy and home owners insurance. At 9 am I talk to Julie Freshman again. I’m leaving New West Physicians and probably the particular AARP plan I have. Got to set that in motion. This morning.

Later, I’m going to contact an independent insurance agent to get quotes on home and car insurance. Traveler’s boosted my home insurance into the stratosphere, $4,500. Car’s high, too. While Kate was sick, I just didn’t have the energy to go after better rates. I do now. This week or next.

This all Malkut, pentacles work. Here and now, this reality. Physical stuff.

Three of Pentacles

“Meaning: Work flourishes as you build on previous efforts. The skilled use of matter and intelligence to create works of beauty and value…Work may still need to be done but support is at hand.” DCB

Mini-splits recommended by Tom and his colleague. Kitchen remodeling help from Jodi and Mike. Consumer Reports and Seoah for appliances. Marina Harris for house cleaning. Years of experience managing domestic matters also in there. Julie on Medicare insurance. An independent agent to check on insurance.

As Tom said yesterday, these are life infrastructure matters. And, it pays to have good agents for them. Pentacles, the suit of earth, of stuff happening here and now.

Lughnasa and the Lughnasa Moon

Thursday gratefuls: Shortness of breath. Prostate cancer. Vascular disease. Post-polio syndrome. As long as I have them, I’m alive. Kate, always Kate. Rigel. The slows this morning. Kep, snuggled last night. That steak and Romaine salad I made. Cooking. HVAC appt. next week.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Tarot

Tarot card drawn: Queen of Pentacles*

Excited about my call with Social Security today. Shows you what my life is like now, I guess. No, really. I want to get this one finished and those SS checks fatter and getting deposited. They want me to prove my marriage to Kate. Fair enough. Ordered a copy of the marriage license two weeks ago from Ramsey County. No joy yet.

Eye exam yesterday. Every six months for glaucoma. Dr. Repine, who is quick, but solid, said: “Stable. Everything’s stable. Your pressures are good. The retina photograph shows the same status as 2019. Stable.” They always look for those holes Jane West drilled in my eye. “Patent.” Considering the previous fate of cataract and glaucoma sufferers, I’m glad to have good ophthalmological care.

Tarot and Kabbalah class yesterday. 52 cards. 52 weeks in a year. 4 suits of 13 cards each. A quarter of a year, a season. Rabbi Jamie’s correlation of pips and royals with the Tree of Life.

This class. Surprisingly good. Digging deeper into the archetypal, the daily introspection offered. Finding the tarot and the kabbalistic inflection of it provocative, evocative.

Beginning to peel back the layers. The cards, the Tree of Life, the Torah, poetry are all mirrors in which the subconscious and the unconscious can, occasionally, be seen.** Dreams, too, of course. All symbols, numbers, art can serve the same mirroring function, pushing us to access matters we’ve hidden, suppressed or repressed, or matters that exist in the pool of symbols Jung calls the collective unconscious.

Not all serve us equally. Some might find the Bible essential when held lightly, not as a rule book, but as a mythic text about humanity’s inner journey. Others, astrology. Others, Mary Oliver or Rainer Marie Rilke or William Yeats. Jungian analysis.

Right now I’m discovering that the Tarot cards work for me. Don’t know whether I could ever read for others. Maybe. Could be fun to try. I do know that when I pull the cards, consider them, check possible interpretations I find myself enlightened, an unseen portion of my psyche made visible to me. Not unlike the Johari window.

The Queen of Pentacles: Pentacles correlate to Earth, to the Body, to action, and to nefesh, the soul that we are, as a whole person. The Queen represents the anima of those correlations. She is mother Earth. She is the body. Her actions bring us close to mother Earth, reassure and nurture us.

This morning my mirror showed me independent Charlie, living within family and community, but on my own. A calm and balanced life can come from the underworld experience of grief. Grief plows through the subconscious and the unconscious, turning up furrows. Oh, love hurts. Yes, indeed. Love sustains. yes. Kate sustained me, nurtured me, loved me. Now I have to incorporate that Kate into my own psyche so she can still sustain, nurture, and love me.

Death, where is thy sting? In loss. In silence. In absence. Kate’s no longer at the table doing her crossword, writing checks to pay bills, laughing with me, kissing me. God, I miss her. Yes. She was my Queen of Pentacles, a grounding, nurturing force.

Now I have to consider that any subconscious or unconscious doubts I have about my own worth, my love worthiness, my creativity must dissolve under the Queen’s reign in the court of my soul. Why? Because Kate saw me as worthy, creative, lovable.  And that challenges any doubts early illness, parental conflicts, relational slights, alcoholism raised.

So for now, I’m a follower of the way of the Tarot. A western I-Ching. Still gotta learn to throw the yarrow sticks. Maybe next year.

*”…the Queen of Pentacles suggests that it is important to you to live independently, with a stable income and with enough time and space to also nurture your loved ones. You may be trying to strike a better balance between your home and work lives, giving it your all in both domains. At the same time, you find time for yourself and prioritise ‘me’ time in between all of your other commitments.

This Queen asks you to maintain a compassionate, nurturing, practical and down-to-earth attitude when dealing with others and your present circumstances. Focus on creating a calm and balanced life for yourself. Be resourceful and practical, dealing with issues as they arise using straightforward solutions that fix the problem with minimal fuss.”  biddy tarot

**”If you’re to better understand and accept yourself, as well as the concealed motivations governing maladaptive behaviors, it’s critical that you access the internal forces dictating them. There’s no way that you can reach your full potential until you gain entry into much of what exists below your awareness—that is, make both the unconscious and subconscious conscious—and, at last, come to positive terms with what, unknowingly, has been sabotaging you.” Psychology Today