Category Archives: Faith and Spirituality

Hello, Darkness

Yule                                                                           Christmas Moon

“Hello, darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again.”

I’m writing this as the long night continues here on Shadow Mountain. Black Mountain is still invisible though it looms less than a mile away. These two great slabs of rock get their names from the dimming of the light. On them, this solstice night, we celebrate the darkness, our old friend.

An article I urge you to read, Why We Need The Winter Solstice, argues that darkness is the norm in the universe. “The stars are an anomaly in the face of it, the planets an accident.”

The tree we purchased in Evergreen yesterday and the lights that go on it are pagan reminders of eternal life and the hope that ancient humans required to make it through the apparent dying of the sun. Eternal life could stave off the encroaching darkness of death and the lights a world with no vegetation, which could seem inevitable as the nights of winter went on and on. The cold reminded our ancestors of what it would be like if the sun went down for the last time.

With our lamps and chandeliers, our bedside lights and even our candles we defy the daily change from light to dark. And lose something precious as we do. Darkness is fecund. It encourages an inward turn toward dreams and the deep wells of our souls. But when we turn on the TV, check our e-mail or texts, even when we open a book under our favorite light, we defend ourselves against the unsettling, Self challenging dark.

We don’t need to throw the switch on decades of artificial illumination, however. What we need is to restore at least some of the experience of the dark. Celebrating the Winter Solstice helps me stay in touch with the power, the spiritual nurture of darkness. Go outside in the night, hopefully away from city lights and look up at the stars. Then, in the way of appreciating sculpture, look not at the stars, but at the spaces between the stars, the much larger enveloping darkness, at the negative space of the universe itself.

Or, perhaps, turn off the lights in the living room every once in awhile and just sit there, in the darkness, neither doing anything or needing to do anything. Compost grows nutrient rich in the darkness. The decay and redistribution of organic matter in the forest happens in the dark. We grow in the wet darkness of the womb and return to the long night of death. The darkness is no aberration. It is the context of life, the mother of our light driven vitality. And this is its holiday.

Lights by the Lake. With Latkes

Samhain                                                                 New (Winter) Moon

Watched several different people, a rabbi, a politician, a cantor, a newspaperman and a Chamber of Commerce woman struggle with lighting a menorah on the shore of Lake Evergreen. We’ve had chinooks for the last few days and though muted at night they still made the bic auto-match flicker and the temporarily burning wicks blink out.

The politician, Tim Neville, is a conservative Republican. He had real difficulty getting the shamas lit. It was as if the winds were saying this one has no light within him. To be fair, others had difficulty, too.

This was a pan-Judaism event with Beth Evergreen, where Kate and I have attended educational classes, Judaism in the Foothills and B’Nai Chaim reform synagogue collaborating. It was not a huge crowd, maybe 75 to a 100 people: a few boys with prayer shawl fringes dangling beneath their t-shirts, two rabbis and a cantor, tables with Hanukkah gelt, dreidels, a two table set up for the latke cookoff* and an adorable two year old girl whose body posture said she was ready to rule the world.

The evening was enough for Kate to say, “I want to join.” She means Beth Evergreen.

I was happy the event took place to a giant fir tree festooned with many lights. That’s my religious tradition, Germanic paganism.

*Kate’s latkes are superior, in every way, to the ones I tried last night.

 

Mountains and Menorahs

Samhain                                                                  New (Winter) Moon

A public menorah lighting at the Lake House in Evergreen tonight. Kate and I are going. There’s also a latke cook-off and I look forward to helping assess the entrants. Evergreen is a downhill ride, 7,200 feet to our 8,800. We take county 78, which starts out at county 73 as Shadow Mountain Drive, changes, very near our house to Black Mountain Drive, and then, 2 miles further down mountain toward Evergreen, becomes Brook Forest Drive. It’s a curvy, forested, rocky road with the Arapaho National Forest on both sides for much of the way.

A joy of mountain living is that the quotidian can be extraordinary. On these drives we often encounter mule deer, elk, occasionally fox. Kate saw what must have been a mountain lion, long and catlike, slink away from the road. In the spring snow melt fills Shadow Creek, Deer Creek, Cub Creek with water churning and roiling. As the snow melt wanes, these same creeks become lazy wandering streams and must, in drier years, lose their water altogether at some point.

The flora, seemingly sparse in that only two species of tree, lodgepole and aspen, live in any numbers at our altitude, changes once in the fall to a minimalist palette of gold and green. Once the golden aspen leaves become skirts, the trunks of these trees become bony fingers, white and twisted. In the spring the green leaves return and the mountain views become more uniform for a time.

Black Mountain, Shadow Mountain, Conifer Mountain and all the others around our neighborhood change, too. The flora goes up and down them, different with the seasons, but on display in often vertiginous falls and in huge rock gardens where outcroppings are bare but surrounded by trees. At night the mountain sides light up with homes also up and down, a sort of external dwarfheim, often invisible in the day. Precipitation, especially snow, alters the mountains immediately, sometimes obscuring them, most often painting white over their peaks and valleys.

We have found a new place to live, our mountain home. It suits us now.

Sad

Samhain                                                                       Thanksgiving Moon

Routine disrupted. My loft computer is now downstairs where I can hook it up to the internet. On Monday I have a serious computer service company coming out to create a wi-fi or hardwire setup. Calmed down after I made a decision to get it done once, then forget about it. My problem is that I obsess about these things until they get taken care of. If I’m trying and failing to fix things, then I keep obsessing. Tiring.

Sad about guns, about the killing, about terrorism, about the obtuse beliefs of NRA fanatics, about climate change deniers, about the too slow pace of change toward a sustainable future. Angry, too. Yes, angry. In the past sadness and anger have pushed me into political work. Got started when I was a freshman in high school and found the school itself a barrier to learning.

Today, though, I find myself on the sidelines watching a circus where the acrobats miss the trapeze, where the fire eater gets consumed by his element, where the animals smash the cages and trample the crowd. The world has once again sunk into madness.

Yes, the world is always mad. War began thousands of years ago. Slavery, too. People without power did terrible, unthinkable things to break free. So, in a way, the diagnosis of madness, of chaos and insanity, is a tautology. The world is. The world is mad.

It’s also true that any one action, any one person, even any political movement has little chance of creating change systemic enough to bring sanity. Yet, as Margaret Mead said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” It might be this action, this person, maybe you. It might be this political movement, this one you choose to support.

Where am I going here? What I want to say is that the only way to avoid despair is to choose to act in some way. I won’t be on the sidelines much longer, the projects of our making this home ours will finish and I’ll find somebody to team up with. Somebody to shake a fist with. To make what strangled sort of cry we can. Fatalism just doesn’t work for me. Might be about the third phase and our lives in it.

The Year of Two Thanksgivings

Samhain                                                                     Thanksgiving Moon

Grandson Gabe walked in the door and asked two important questions right away: Grandpop, what’s the password for your wi-fi? This was followed quickly by a pulled down t-shirt. See my new port! It was on his right side, had a small yellow butterfly valve in place temporarily and looked good. The end of a week long saga of hospital, surgery, recovery. That’s what he and his parents did on Thanksgiving day, Thursday.

So, we had a Thanksgiving brunch today: prime rib roast, popovers, squash from Jon and Jen’s garden, a rice dish from Barb, then pecan pie and homemade vanilla bean ice cream.

It was one of those children at the table holiday meals where the kids could hardly wait to get away. God, I remember that feeling. Stuck with the old people talking about grown up stuff. Boring. Really boring. I’m dying here. Let me go, please let me go.

Barb (Jen’s mother) recounted the story of her husband, Henry, and his family’s escape from Romania in 1964. Her father-in-law, mother-in-law and 16 year old Henry plus some other family members got ransomed by a group specializing in getting Jews out from behind the Iron Curtain. Henry’s parents wanted to go Israel. They got a flight to Vienna, then Genoa where they were told it would be six months before they could get papers for Israel.

Old town in Brasov, Transylvania
Old town in Brasov, Transylvania

Henry’s father knew there was a large Romanian Jewish community in Buffalo, New York, so they went there instead. Barb grew up in Buffalo. The rest of the story is Jen, Karen and Andy.

These are the long tendrils that any Thanksgiving meal sends out, connections weak and strong to ancestors who suffered, who triumphed, who slogged out their life and in that way allowed the people around this table to come together.

I’m grateful for each one in that great cloud of past lives who preceded this Saturday Thanksgiving on Black Mountain Drive. Yes, even those we don’t like so much. Without them, we wouldn’t have eaten this meal as a family today.

Oh. And the dogs got the four rib bones with plenty of meat on them. I’m grateful, too, for the doggy ancestors who brought this current pack of ours into existence.

 

Black

Samhain                                                             Thanksgiving Moon

At 4:30 this morning the Thanksgiving moon hung to the north of Shadow Mountain, obscuring Orion and most of the stars. Luna was the first light polluter. The lodgepoles glisten faintly, the snow on their branches catching a bit of the moonlight. It’s quiet, too, a Saturday on a holiday weekend, so few cars on Black Mountain Drive.

Black Friday has been on my mind. Maybe yours, too. This morning I contrasted the peaceful moments I have looking up at the night sky with those, who at the same time of day, waited in line in the cold for the chance to save big on some item or another.

It’s an easy target, Black Friday. The crazed shoppers banging carts to get there or there or there, first. The notion of a “holiday” devoted to retailers finally easing out of the red into profitability. The mission creepiness that caused Black Friday to ooze backwards into Thanksgiving Day. Trying to find a connection with the holiday of the incarnation or any of the wonderful celebrations of Holiseason.

Yet. For all the blackness and greed and confused motives Black Friday seems more sad to me than blameworthy. The assumption that somehow, if only I can get it, that cheaper something will heal me or make someone else happy. The frantic desire of parents to find the it toy of the season for their kids. The real underlying issue, the squeeze of the 99% by the 1%. Then twisting that squeeze into a way to wring more money out of the 99% and funnel it to the 1%.

Feels more like desolation, despair. Bordering on hopelessness.

Give me the Thanksgiving moon north of Black Mountain. The forest covered in snow. Orion above the house. And the gifts that are my family, the dogs, my friends, this wild and stony place.

 

Not the Thanksgiving We Got Ready For

Samhain                                                                 Thanksgiving Moon

20151117_070312And so, we spent Thanksgiving on Shadow Mountain, watching the snow come down in lazy lines, thinking of Gabe and his second surgical procedure in a week, the roast and the pies and rolls in the freezer. It was downbeat, too quiet for a holiday.

Kate the clinician, a person with a bias for action, stewed. She wanted to do something, fix something, but the snow came down and no roast could be cooked, no salad prepared, no engagement with the medical issues of her only grandson. Impotence, or the feeling of impotence, is a terrible burden because it shrouds the capacity to act with an inability to do so. So many revolutions have been borne. So many political movements.

Later, after Gabe’s delayed procedure was over in the late afternoon, she relaxed. Jon had called and asked us not to come. The snow. The stress of the day. All made sense to me.

The holiday hung in the air like a sneeze not completed. Thankful, of course, for the good outcome with Gabe’s procedure. Thankful for the snow and the flocked lodgepoles, snowy Black Mountain, the dogs running pushing muzzles into the snow, rolling. Thankful that Kate and I were together, playing Bethumped, talking.

I ate too much of the sugar cream pie I made. Really more like a delicious pudding. It didn’t set up. No matter. We had shrimp with Bookbinder’s sauce while we answered questions about word origins, eponyms, general history, homophones and pushed our plastic markers around the board.

It wasn’t the Thanksgiving we had prepared for, but it was the one we had. And it was a good one.

In fact, this year we’ll have two Thanksgivings, yesterday and the delayed meal on Saturday around noon. Now, there’s plenty to do. Gabe’s better. Kate will have tasks to be done. And that prime rib roast. Well, I’m looking forward to that.

Shadow Mountain Monastery

Samhain                                                                      Thanksgiving Moon

Noticing as I cut down the trees, move the limbed branches and get ready to cut trunks into fireplace size logs that my body looks forward to the work. A riff on the Benedectine ora et labora. My prayer (ora) is writing, reading, translating. It’s easy for me to get stuck at the computer, in a book and neglect the rest of my body.

Workouts aren’t the same since they are artificial, moving my body for the sake of moving my body. That’s different than doing physically challenging work. With the work there’s the exercise of the body, yes, but it meshes with the satisfaction of accomplishment.

There’s a couple to three months of lumberjack work left, maybe more when you add in stacking the logs for curing. That’s good. With the winter there’s also the occasional snow blowing time, shoveling off the deck. Good to be outside.

Might consider trail maintenance when spring comes. Similar work.

Anco Impari

Samhain                                                                       Thanksgiving Moon

(Anco impari, Learning Still.) Goya’s small print with this title might be my third phase image.

Let me give you two very recent examples. In the first, granddaughter Ruth got a signal honor as one of ten students from her elementary school, named after Colorado astronaut, Jack Swigert, who got to meet the surviving Apollo 13 astronauts. The learning was this: Ruth wore a skirt. At 9 Ruth has her own fashion sense. It’s distinctive and one that includes neither skirts nor dresses.

Second, last night we took grandson Gabe to a Polar Express live event at the Colorado Railroad Museum. I had advocated this as grandchild time because Ruth, on a recent overnight up here, had watched the movie. But, Ruth’s astronaut event was the same night, so Gabe went without her.

He was not entranced with the Polar Express idea. He kept saying, “We don’t celebrate that.” That is, Christmas. He is a Hanukkah guy after all. Gabe had a book along, Goosebumps by R.L. Stine, and kept reading it during the evening. His diffidence and general orneriness irritated me. The whole night.

Later, out of the immediate context of the event, I had to admit to myself that I admired his willingness, in the way he could muster at 7, to stand up for his sub-culture, Judaism. We went to the event based on Ruth’s interest and I expected him to share it. Instead, he felt assaulted by things his family doesn’t emphasize. So, shame on me.

Then, this morning, as I worked up here, I heard clumping steps on the stairs. There was Gabe, smiling, rested and wanting to see Grandpop. Every day brings a new chance to relearn humility.