• Category Archives Feelings
  • Oh, my

    Lugnasa and the Full Harvest Moon

    Wednesday gratefuls: New credit card. Tom in Omaha. At the Air and Space museum. Good workout. Isaac coming today. Possible personal trainer. Ginny and Janice today. Cooling nights. Gold popping up here and there on Black Mountain. My son. His commitment. Palliative care. Sharpe. Salisbury Steak. A vegetable smoothie. Bad dreams.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: Protein

    Kavannah: Teshuvah   Returning to the land of my soul

    One brief shining: Geez, ever have a night where the dreams stuck with you and you wish they hadn’t; last night I bought a used Porsche that had bald tires and rust, tried to preach in a synagogue bare foot which they said was ok, but couldn’t find my sermon, woke up agitated, out of sorts.

     

    What dreams may come. Must have been feeling insecure last night. Perhaps because I got a Groveland UU e-wire announcing their dissolution. Kate and I were a part of Groveland from the beginning and I preached there off and on even after we moved to Andover, then the Rockies. I tried to help them grow. Didn’t have much luck. A feeling of failure. Though I never was their minister except for a brief period. Guess it is a feeling of failure. As I write this, I feel bad. Sad. Inadequate. Groveland was the place Kate and I landed after I left the Presbyterians.

    Moods. As I’ve written. Need to return to the land of my soul. Which is here, today, this September 19th life of 2024. Shadow Mountain. Seeing friends. Living. How do I feel? Down. How do I feel? Grounded. How do I feel? Anxious. How do I feel? Sad. How do I feel? Inadequate. How do I feel? In my body. How do I feel? Grateful. How do I feel? Gathered in. How do I feel? Anxious. How do I feel? Surprised. How do I feel? Glad. How do I feel? Here. How do I feel? Sad/OK. How do I feel? Ashamed. How do I feel? Oh, yeah. How do I feel? In myself. How do I feel? Knowing. How do I feel? Back. Mostly

    What I learned here was why I never served as a pastor. Not me. I’m a political activist, an organizer, but never a minister. Even though I tried on the role briefly. Twice. Kate told me it wasn’t me. She was right. I wanted to work. To mean something. Sure, that’s fine. But I couldn’t get to that being someone I wasn’t. I didn’t have the right skill set to help a congregation grow unless I was a consultant, not of the congregation. And I was not meant for a pastoral role.

    I found work that mattered, that was me, in Andover. Gardener. Bee Keeper. Dog wrangler. Lumberjack. Cook. Husband. Writing. Learning. Oh, the joy I felt. We felt. How much time I wasted trying to fit into square holes when I was a plant shaped peg. A lover of dogs, plants, bees, writing, Kate.

    Here in Colorado I have a new focus. The Mountains. Judaism. Friends and Family. Writing. Learning. All about love.

     

     


  • As I went to bed. The Holy, The Sacred. Clear sight

    Lugnasa and the 99% Full Harvest Moon

    Tuesday gratefuls: Ninja blender. Figuring out the veggie paradox. Celecoxib. Allows me to stand long enough for short cooking. Pain lessened. Over my dislocation created by possibly shorter life span. Feeling grounded in my life again. In part thanks to the pain treatment. A beautiful photograph. Taken by me. Header. Serious thinking. Tarot. Jessica Roux.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Sky at dusk on Shadow Mountain

    Kavannah: Yirah

    One brief shining: Each night after the lights go dark, the window’s cranked full open, the fan turned on, and I’ve taken my last look at the Stars through the Lodgepoles, I fall into a revery of thought, never knowing where my mind will carry me but always happy for the ride, this idea bouncing off that one, triggering another turn of ideas or images, pure and unguided inner joy. Today’s post is about last night’s journey.

     

    Thinking about the day as my head lay on the pillow, body stretched out and at peace. As I try to do each night, I consider the middah I chose. Did it come to mind? Did I experience its manifestation? What were the specific moments when that happened? How did I feel? Then, and immediately afterward. What did I learn?

    Yirah. Awe. Wonder. Amazement. [(fear)] Yirah, the Hebrew for this sudden feeling of openness, of seeing clearly, often got translated, by Jews and Christians alike, as fear. As in the phrase “Fear of the Lord.” Bad translation. Bad. Down boy. And I say boy advisedly, because Fear of the Lord has a decided patriarchal connotation. Bow down to the King, the one who rules you, makes you obey, has the power of life and death over you.

    Rudolf Otto defined the Holy as containing an element beyond the ethical sphere, which he named the numinous.* Stripped of what Otto defines as its element of moral perfection, which he has to assume because he’s writing within a Christian context, the holy, the numinous, is in my opinion what we mean by the word sacred.

    Yirah opens a neural pathway for experiencing of the numinous. Which, again Otto, can be both terrifying and fascinating. In Yirah, in awe, wonder, and amazement we find the gateway to revelation. And what is revelation? An experiencing, however brief or long, of the numinous, the holy. The sacred.

    I reclaim a possible connection to Kant here in his use of the word noumenon. Below the author of the Wikipedia article says the numinous is unrelated to Kant’s idea of the noumenon which refers to: “…an unknowable reality underlying sensations of the thing.” Kant also called this the ding an sich, the thing in itself, whatever an object of perception is without the observer.

    What I believe Yirah opens us to is just that: the ding an sich, the thing itself. Reality as it is, not as we confuse it with our preconceived ideas, our biases, our values. I think you could also call it the field out beyond good and bad where Rumi invites us to meet.

    What is that reality, for which I now claim the word sacred? A place where the mystic bonds of each to each and all to all become, however briefly for us, accessible. So in cultivating the middah of yirah we strengthen the inner muscle that allows us to see beyond the surface to the ligaments and tendons that link us to the Tree, the Friend, the Lodgepole Pine, the Mountain, the Ocean, to our Lover, to our Inner World and in it to the Collective Unconscious. Those connections which tie us inextricably together, a roiling, boiling mass of creativity, of newness that we try, hard, to ignore because experiencing it directly is to experience, perhaps, the terror of dissolution, yet also a deep fascination. Oh, so this is what the World is really, really like?

    An important observation here is that this is not a logical nor a conceptual process. It is a sensory process, in other words, a process stimulated by seeing something, hearing something, touching something, tasting something. It is in no way faith. You might call the experience of yirah a mystical moment, whether long or short.

    So when I took in whole cloth the bulk of Black Mountain and realized a moment of wonder, what happened was a brief, bodily experience of all the links and bonds that tie me to Black Mountain and Black Mountain to me. When I watched Great Sol’s light fade into night and the colors entranced me, I saw into the mystic bonds that tie me to Great Sol, to the dusk, to the coming night, to the vast distances between Shadow Mountain and our Star. When I experienced, for a moment, myself as part of the Arapaho National Forest, a human among Trees, I felt one with each Lodgepole, Rock, Stream, Mule Deer, and Elk.

    And one more bit. Yirah, then, is a sensory event which peels back the gauze of day-to-day illusion in which we see and treat everything as separate from our body, ourselves. The midot, all the character traits we study in mussar, I think, are ways we can open ourselves to the world, ways we can become a moment for the other to experience yirah and us as bonded to them. A give and take, a push and pull, a way perhaps of becoming holy, sacred.

    Yirah is the gateway for revelation. revelation the gateway to the sacred. The sacred is seeing the links that bind us to the all and the all to us.

    *”…while the concept of “the holy” is often used to convey moral perfection, which it does entail, it contains another distinct element, beyond the ethical sphere, for which he coined the term numinous based on the Latin word numen (“divine power”).[2]: 5–7  (The term is etymologically unrelated to Immanuel Kant’s noumenon, a Greek term which Kant used to refer to an unknowable reality underlying sensations of the thing).” He explains the numinous as an experience or feeling which is not based on reason or sensory stimulation and represents the “wholly other”

    “The Holy, according to Otto, is a mystery (Latin: mysterium) that is at once terrifying (tremendum) and fascinating (fascinans).   Wiki


  • Exuberance!

    Lugnasa and the Harvest Moon

    Sunday gratefuls: THC. Celecoxib. Erleada. Orgovyx. Vince. Alan’s opening night for Man of La Mancha. My son and Seoah in Okgwa. Her father. Her mother. And family. Chuseok. Teshuvah. South Korea. The U.S. Air Force. The wide Pacific. 15 time zones. Korean. Paul Wellstone. Tim Walz. Kamala Harris. We’re not going back. The politics of joy.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: My Korean family

    Kavannah: Exuberance

    One brief shining: When I choose an intention for the day, sometimes I crosscut the feelings I’m having, as this morning I’m feeling a little pressed down, not much but enough that it interferes with my joy, my willingness to embrace the day, squeeze some juice from it, find the yirah/awe in the ordinary that usually comes easily, sometimes I see the day ahead and want a kavannah that leans into it, focuses me, as I did with teshuvah yesterday.

     

    I’m finding this daily kavannah a powerful practice. I write the middah on my small slip of paper, put it into my pocket. The act of choosing it, writing it down, putting it in my pocket and carrying it with me throughout the day triggers an awareness that lasts till bedtime. I want to find things in this day, things that make me want to lift my arms up and shout with joy. With awe. With love.

    Exuberance carries over feelings from my zoom call with my son. As I wrote yesterday, they’re in Okgwa for Chuseok, a Korean harvest/fall holiday similar to our Thanksgiving. My son came on in one of the all white rooms at Seoah’s parents house, all concrete, and built for them a year or so ago by her brother. We chatted a bit, he caught me up on work. Showed me Murdoch lazing on the floor. And moved the laptop into the main living area.

    There was Seoah’s sister who will take over the farm from her parents starting in some fashion this fall. In the kitchen, her usual location when inside, Seoah’s mom ate from several small dishes in the Korean style. Her Dad, a joyful man and a very hard worker, wanted to say hi. He wanted to see the outside. Removing the camera, I aimed it out my window for a view of Lodgepoles and Black Mountain beyond.

    He got excited. I want to come to Colorado! Seoah translating. I got excited, too. Sounds like they may show up here on Shadow Mountain sometime next year. He loves Mountains. Climbs Mountains. Went to China to climb from the China side Baekdu Mountain*, an active strato-volcano on the China/North Korean border. He’ll love Colorado.

     

    Just a Moment: Buoyed me up to see Paul Wellstone’s name** back in the national political conversation. The quote and the article referenced below show how Tim Walz might bring the Wellstone spirit to a Harris/Walz government. May it be so.

     

     

     

    *”According to Korean mythology, it was the birthplace of Dangun, the founder of Gojoseon (2333–108 BC), whose parents were said to be Hwanung, the Son of Heaven, and Ungnyeo, a bear who had been transformed into a woman.” Wiki

    “The legendary beginning of Korea’s first semi-mythical kingdom, Gojoseon (2333 B.C.E.–108 B.C.E.), takes place here. Buyeo (2nd c. B.C.E. – 494), Goguryeo (37 B.C.E. – 668), and Balhae (698 – 926) kingdoms also considered the mountain sacred.” New World Encyclopedia

     

    **“I don’t represent the big oil companies, I don’t represent the big pharmaceutical companies, I don’t represent the Enrons of this world,” Mr. Wellstone said. “But you know what, they already have great representation in Washington. It’s the rest of the people that need it.” NYT article. 9/15/2024


  • Chuseok and Teshuvah. Double post. see below as well.

    Lugnasa and the Harvest Moon

    Shabbat gratefuls: Torah. Jamie. Mussar. Ruth and Gabe. Lighting the candles. The shema. CBE. Mary and Guru. Mark in Bangkok. My son and Seoah in Okgwa for the Chuseok Festival.* Alan and his busy weekend. Good sleeping. Kristie. Second opinions. Cancer. Spinal stenosis. Sally. Aging. Its joys and its struggles. Scott and Yin. Men. Women. UC Boulder.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: Friendship

    Kavannah: Teshuvah-“…the journey of teshuvah is not about “turning over a new leaf” or being “born again”; rather, it is simply finding our way back to the land of our soul…Every person possesses a core of inherent goodness whose integrity cannot be compromised. While outwardly, one’s actions may not always reflect this inner goodness…people always have the ability to shed their superficial facade and do teshuvah—returning to their truest, deepest selves.” chabad.org

    One brief shining: Chuseok draws families together in North and South Korea, often back to the places of their birth or raising, like little Okgwa for Seoah, back for thanksgiving for family, for the harvest, for love between a brother and a sister, all over that land, a return to the place of your formation; we might say finding a way back to the land of your soul, which has an individual component, of course, but also and strongly a community, familial component, though, yes, the land of your soul and your homeland may be also be widely divergent.

    Chuseok card

     

     

    Sept 2023. Seoahs family

    The key move here, from a Jewish perspective, lies in the neshamah, that essence of you, that buddha nature, that stainless and unstainable core to which one can always return, no matter how hamartia-missing the mark-has confused your nefesh, the outward facing portion of you that changes, grows, shrinks, expands depending on which of the many wolves you feed.

    The month of Elul, our current month in the Lunar Calendar for 5784, encourages all Jews to chasbon nefesh, accounting of the soul. Look back over the last year and see if you got lost in moments of despair over an illness. Like I did. See if you judged others harshly, rather than judging them on their merits. Like I did. See if you neglected opportunities to act with loving-kindness. Like I did. See if you failed to discern again the purpose of your life. Like I did. See if you failed again to act on that purpose. Like I did. Take steps to amend those personal lapses that you can. Like I have. Take steps to open your lev to your true path. As I have.

    Teshuvah is not about guilt, however. It is about sweeping away the barriers in your life to being who you most truly are: a sacred becoming, a moment in the ever expanding tapestry of novelty that is the universe and everything. A unique and irreplaceable soul, a unique, never to be repeated, ishi-go ishi-e self awaits your joyous return.

    No stains that lead to damnation. No sins even God could not forgive. Only you and the land of your soul. To which, at any time, you can, with exuberance and calm, return.

     

     

     

    *”It’s the other time of the year in Korea besides Lunar New Year’s Day, aka Seollal (설날), when family members gather together.  Usually, this means traveling to the home of the head of the family, often one’s grandparents.

    According to legend, an ancient king of the kingdom, Silla, started a month-long weaving contest between two teams.   The team who had woven the most cloth won, and they were treated by the losing team with food, drinks, and other gifts.  Thus starting the tradition of Thanksgiving almost 2000 years ago.

    Some scholars also tie Chuseok to Korea’s history, wherein agriculture was a big part of daily life.  Koreans commonly offered rituals to ancestors to give thanks and celebrate the harvest moon.

    Traditionally, the purpose of Chuseok was for family members to gather together during the full harvest moon. This usually appeared in the sky on the 15th day of the 8th month of the lunar calendar. Families wanted to celebrate and show gratitude to their ancestors for the fruitful harvest.

    Chuseok is very much a traditional holiday where many of the customs from the old days still stand.”

    Chuseok in Korea

     

     

     


  • Bonus post: That’s Life, that’s what all the people say

    Friends. And, family. Seeing them. Hearing them. Touching them. Being seen, heard, and touched. Equals life itself. We are, for better and worse, social creatures. Go without contact and even the self begins to deteriorate, turn in on itself, push itself further away from health and wholeness.

    This morning I drove the thirty minutes to Evergreen, constant thoughts about the middah of beauty coming to mind. The green card with the single word, beauty, in my pocket. Those Lodgepoles covering Black Mountain. The occasional golden Leaf. Black Mountain and Shadow Mountain themselves. Tall, firm, reliable. Vishnu.

    I came close to Kate’s Creek and started talking to her as has become my habit. How beautiful, eh, Kate? These Mountains you found. Shadow Mountain Home. You. I do miss the beauty of your presence. I’m heading to see Alan, breakfast at the Dandelion.

    Into the charming downtown of Evergreen, beautiful in its Mountain town way. Already filling with tourists. A 70 degree, bright Sun, blue Sky day. Lake Evergreen, a small jewel amongst the Mountains here. Bear Mountain. Berrigan. Others whose names I do not know, but whose features are familiar. This rock outcropping around the Lake. That spot where the Elk herds cross, causing Elk traffic jams.

    Past Elk Meadow, the huge open space saved by the Mountain Land Trust. Past the Hiwan Hills Golf Club. Right at the light. The main Evergreen Fire Station with its statuary, one a huge bronze circle with a man riding it at the very top. Another, smaller meadow and valley. Another right turn. Beautiful meadows. Sculptures. Even the main Evergreen Fire House. All pleasing. Offering their own glints of knowledge, of truth sent straight to the heart, no analyzing. Appreciation of the sculptor’s hand. The green of the meadows.

    Down a steep, short hill into the Hiwan Mall. Bivouac Coffee and the Dandelion next to each other. Alan already there. And I was ten minutes early. Remarkable.

    He smiled as I stood there arms outstretched, palms up. What’s this? Alan? Early?

    We ordered. Got our water and utensils, a napkin. Sat down.

    Let the healing begin. I know, all too well, the punishments laid on the body by disease, by malformed spines. And, yes, I want the ministrations of healing folks like Sue Bradshaw, Kristie Kokenny, palliative care. But they don’t have on offer the real healing, the true healing. Why? Well, they will always fail. Their job is to push death as far away from the present moment as possible. I want them to do that.

    Friends over coffee however heal the soul. Death is inevitable, despair and depression are not. Alan talked about the recycling day tomorrow. His solo in Man of La Mancha which opens tonight. I told him about palliative care. About Professor T, the excellent British mystery on CPTV. We challenged each other when we slipped into platitudes. This heath stuff doesn’t really bother me. Don’t lie to me. Oh, ok. His own lapses into self-denigration. No, dude. You exercise every day. You’re busy and able to be at 72. You go.

    When we finished, we both felt lifted up, held in each others care. Loved. You see, death is no match for love. Life’s real purpose? To love and be loved. Not immortality. Not fame or money. Friendship. Family ties. That’s life.

     


  • A serene and joyful cluster

    Lugnasa and the Harvest Moon

    Wednesday gratefuls: Orange one v. Harris. Harris by a knockout. Great Sol. Tara. Ariaan. Vincent. Julia. Sophia. Mystical awareness. The sacred within and as the ordinary. Politics. Life at home. Muir Woods. Joshua Trees. Bristlecone Pines. Coastal Redwoods. Sequoia. Lodgepoles and Aspen. First gold beginning to appear. 9/11.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: Accepting life as it comes

    Kavannah: CONTENTMENT הִסתַפְּקוּת Histapkut     Contentment, simplicity, moderation; from ספק to divide/apportion (נַחַת Nachat: Satisfaction, gratification, comfort) (קִמּוּץ Kimutz: Minimalism, frugality, thrift; related קוֹמֶץ closed hand/fistful)  [קִנְאָה Kinah: Passion, envy, competition]  brackets are antonyms

    One brief shining: Great Sol comes in at wider angle now, Mother Earth’s tilt having brought us round to Fall, headed toward Winter and the fallow times, my Lodgepole Companion has begun to settle in for the cool weather and heavy loads of Snow that lie ahead; the Aspens have sensed the changes, too, and auxin proliferates which triggers the revelation of gold that lies below the chlorophyll green; soon the Mountains will become a brilliant minimalist work of art, gold and green against the steel blue of a Colorado Sky.

     

    I’m looking at a cluster of middot that are key to my life right now: contentment, serenity, equanimity, balance, beauty, joy, patience, peace, stability, wisdom. There are turbulent factors in my life, all medical at this point, that rise up, break the surface releasing noxious gases of agitation, sadness, worry, sending my moods into dark places. I don’t want to overstate this. I’m still essentially stable, balanced in the way I react to these miasmic intrusions. But it takes greater effort these days.

    The two major sources of swamp gas are uncertainty about my current cancer reality, back pain and the methods to treat it. Having untreated metastases, as I do now, meaning I have active cancer growth until or if the orgovyx/erleada combination drops it to zero again, makes me feel untethered, floating free of effective medical care. The celexcoib has tamped down my back pain, though I’m now noticing break through pain right after I get up and in the late afternoon, early evening. Which might mean I need to increase my dose which increases the possibility of negative side effects.

    So I need more joy, patience, peace, and serenity. I plan to focus on these middot over the next few weeks with the overall intention of keeping me here and now, in this 9/11/2024 life. Also holding uncertainty as the truth and constant that it is. Merely the overall state of all things, not a purveyor of doom.

     

    Just a moment: I tried to watch debate. I saw orange guy bloviate. I watched Kamala rehash lines from her CNN interview. I thought about the observation that wanting to be president should disqualify you from the job. Realized both of them were distasteful to me in that sense. Nope, I don’t to watch preening and attacking. The world has enough of that. And it doesn’t enhance my serenity.

    Wish I’d hung on a bit longer. Apparently Kamala got the orange one to twist himself into the negative, thoughtless, witless person that he is. Go, Kamala.

    Will it be enough to turn the tide? Not on its own. But it will energize the Democratic troops for a marathon push to election day. Probably good enough.


  • A Busy Day

    Lugnasa and the Harvest Moon

    Tuesday gratefuls: Seeing long time friend, Scott Simpson. Dinner with Joanne, Rebecca, and Terry. Water treatment by Greg. Vaccine reaction. Early dark. Waking up in the dark. Stars through the Lodgepoles. Evergreen. Coal Mine Dragon Chinese. Los 3 Garcias. Tara. Ariaan. Eleanor, their new dog. Norbert, their old dog. Both very sweet. The Muddy Buck.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: Scott in Evergreen

    Kavannah: Serenity Menucha

    One brief shining: Sat at one of the Muddy Buck’s white marble topped tables on the boardwalk in Evergreen, waiting for Scott, delighted to see Yin had come along, too, that special joy of greeting long time friends who’ve gone out of their way to see you, getting coffee with Scott and talking for an hour, knowing each other, seeing each other in the way only aged friends can, past the surface quickly and into things that matter.

     

    On Sunday at noon I got a flu vaccine and a covid vaccine. Left arm. Safeway pharmacy in the still novel to me experience of getting jabbed by pharmacy techs. I like it. No need to go to the doc. Collected my 10% off my next grocery order coupons, two, one for each needle. Sort of like the pediatrician’s lollipop for a good patient.

    Went home and about an hour later felt tired. 3 hours later up from my “nap.” Yesterday morning had to go back to bed, slept another two hours. I’ve never had a reaction to vaccines before, but I recognized this for what it was. Not a large price for protection from two diseases that can devastate the older body.

     

    The Geowater guy came, checked my water’s acidity, and swapped out my filter for a new one. Geowater has changed from its former aggressive upselling and now seems focused on customer service. A welcome change. Paid by check. Always feels anachronistic.

    Greg lingered, chatting. Couldn’t see why, but he must have liked me and/or had some extra time on his hands. We talked about the bike park, the spate of brutal wrecks a month or so ago on Hwy 285, Mountain living. After he left, I took another nap, a brief one, to be sure I would be rested for seeing Scott and for the later dinner with Rebecca, Terry, and Joanne.

     

    At 3:10 I hopped in Ruby and drove down the hill to Evergreen. Scott was kind enough to meet me in Evergreen at the Muddy Buck before a concert at Red Rocks. I hadn’t seen him in a long time, years for sure. Scott introduced me to the guide program at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts. He talked about a recent Chinese tour he and Yin gave. Made me nostalgic for my docent days and the Institute’s Asian art collection.

     

    When the Muddy Buck closed at 5, Scott took off and I drove the short distance to Evergreen Lake and the Coal Mine Dragon Chinese restaurant. Where I met Rebecca, Terry, and Joanne. Rebecca leaves on Thursday for another four month stint at a Tibetan Buddhist nunnery near Dharamsala. She teaches English to the nuns and has become a beloved teacher over the last few years of her regular four month visits.

    I admire her grit. She’s four years older than I am, also has spinal stenosis, and makes the trip there and back annually. Terry gave her an early birthday present, hers is in October and she’ll be gone. A purple floppy Octopus. Like Kate, Rebecca loves octopuses.

    The four of us talked books and politics and Judaism. Joanne told a funny story. She always packed lunch for her late husband, Albert. One day she had nothing for dessert, so she put in four marshmallows, a candle, and a single match. At his work Albert found them, took out the candle, lit it, and began to roast a marshmallow. Oh, one of his co-workers said, I didn’t know that was a Jewish ritual.

    As I drove back in the dusk, Elk Cows lounged in the front yards near Brook Forest Drive, occasionally going down to Maxwell Creek to take a drink, perhaps eat a late meal of Kentucky Bluegrass. The rut is near.

     


  • What a gift

    Lugnasa and the Harvest Moon

    Shabbat & Jubilee gratefuls: Being with my sacred community: Veronica, Tara, Ariaan, Luke, Leo, Ron, Rich, Marilyn, Irv, Ginny, Elizabeth. Celebrations. A Mountain evening. A cool Mountain night. Gut shabbas. Absent friends: Alan and Joanne. The drive down Black Mountain Drive and Brook Forest, up past Lake Evergreen, Elk Cows eating alongside the road. The drive home at night.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: Congregation Beth Evergreen

    Kavanah: Joy  Simcha

    One brief shining: The life of a semi-hermit with its openings into the lives of others like sitting with Tara and Ariaan and Luke and Leo while Veronica in her Moon and Stars covered scarf sang, then came over and kissed me on the head, Ron and Rich, strong long hugs, giving Luke the book of Beatle lyrics when we left a bit early, a chill in the air as three stars became visible overhead. Ad astra, Veronica said, as she kissed me.

     

    A week of depth and intensity. Beginning with Gabe on Sunday and the hike up Kate’s sadly dry Creek, the next day, Labor Day, driving to Boulder to see Ruth, eat sushi in honor of Jon, over to Denver to drop off Gabe, back home to Shadow Mountain. A quiet Tuesday, recovering. Breakfast at Primo’s with Marilyn and Irv and their friend from the Boston area, Judy. We talked about poor Rider and his blue algae experience, near death. Survived. Judy’s many travels. The Snow Leopard photograph she took in Tibet with a long telephoto. Talking with Ruth twice as she processed Jon’s death away from home.

    On Wednesday after my usual erudite conversation with long time buddy, Tom, Jackie cut my hair and we talked about her puppy, kidnapped in a gentle way by her son, stacking firewood, her wood-fired sauna. Rhonda showed us her gray hair. Barely visible underneath. Jackie remembered to the hour, 3pm, and the location, Hampden and University, and her age, 27, when she sat as the stoplight changed, her first gray hair in her hand.

    Leaving her salon I drove into Denver and turned north at, yes, Hampden and University, where I found Modern Bungalow in its new location further north. Sat in Stickley/Arts and Crafts inspired chairs and chose one. Over to Dardanos to buy a pair of colorful kicks. Hoka Speedgoats. Tired of white.

    Thursday found me talking to Tom again, with Paul and Irv. The Fantastic Four. Zoom. Though I usually go to Thursday mussar I took a nap and slept through. Knowing I was going to go to the Jubilee dinner the next night.

    Friday I talked to Diane in a Michigan motel. Zoom. Did stuff around the house.

    At 5:30 I saddled up Ruby and drove in my semi-sedate way to the synagogue. It was, for me at least, a night of long hugs, smiles, intimate moments with long time friends. A genuine celebration of this unique community rooted in the Jewish tradition while living into the 2nd millennium with creativity and profound relationships.

    Not done yet. A Torah study this morning at 10 and lunch with Alan afterward.

    This, then, is my life now. Rich and full, nourishing. Peopled. What a gift.

     


  • Harvest Season

    Lugnasa and the Harvest Moon

    Friday gratefuls: CBE. Tara. Jamie. Luke. Rebecca. Joanne. Alan. Marilyn and Irv. 50th year Jubilee. Celebration tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday. Diane in Indiana and Michigan. And Ohio. Cousins. Mark and Mary. Fall. This surprising election year. Hope, that battered refuge. The United States of the Americas. Our regional and political differences. Ruth in college. Gabe a junior. All you Virgos out there. Including you, Mary.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: Tarot

    Kavanah: THANKFULNESS   הוֹד Hod Thankfulness, acknowledgement, distinction; related to הוֹדָיָה/הוֹדָאָה confession. Eighth Sefirah = splendour, literally “glow/brightness”; concession & submission; left leg (opposite Netzach/Victory) (הַכָּרָת הטוֹב Hakarat Hatov: Gratitude, appreciation; literally “recognition of the good”)

    One brief shining: Calmed my breathing, cast a mental net for the question that mattered most today-Is my final harvest beginning to take shape?-and drew a card from my Jessica Roux Woodland Guardian’s deck, 46 the Butterfly and Snowdrops, then one from my Wildwood Tarot deck, the Ace of Arrows, went over to the chair and read what they portended, rejoicing.

    I sent this question to the Ancient Brothers for this Sunday mornings reflection:

    “Fellow travelers on the Great Wheel. We are in the Celtic season of Lugnasa, the first fruits of the harvest. It is the first of three harvest festivals, following it is Mabon or the Fall Equinox, then Samain, or Summer’s End.
    I invite you to place yourself on the Great Wheel of your life. What might you consider its first fruits, its main harvest, its final harvest before the fallow time?”

    My own reflections on it prompted the question in one brief shining: Is my final harvest beginning to take shape?

    Got to this today because my first fruits harvest and my main harvest seemed apparent to me. First fruits were the various justice and Great Work initiatives I worked on in my late 20’s, 30’s, and early 40’s. They were a direct link to the preparation for leadership and for a sensitivity to issues of justice that had dominated my life in high school, college, and directly after college.

    My main harvest happened in the Years of Abundance, from 1994 to 2014, when Kate and I gardened, growing vegetables and flowers, had an orchard, cared for bees and many, many dogs. Novel writing. Caring for Joe and Jon. A lived expression of our mutual commitment to and love for Mother Earth. What a time!

    The harvest of my final years, still underway of course, seems more difficult to define. I see three or four main threads, but can’t yet see the common one. There is a thread of death, disease, loss and grief. There is a thread of living into what is here: the Mountains, the Trees, the Wild Neighbors, Congregation Beth Evergreen, Mountain living, Evergreen and Conifer, Colorado and the West. There is a thread of relationships as life giving, life affirming treasures. Since Kate’s death, there is, too, a modified Hermit’s life thread which includes the mystical matters of Tarot, Astrology, and Kabbalah.

    So my question. Is that common thread becoming visible? Is there another turn that might happen, needs to happen? Will happen? I don’t know. The cards I pulled today offer the possibility that its appearance might not be far off. May it be so.


  • Repost from Sept. 4, 2022: Jon has died.

    The Harvest Moon

    Wednesday gratefuls: Ruth. Gabe. Jon. Kate, always Kate. Death. Life. The passage of Time. The Great Wheel, turning. Lugnasa. Fall. Samain. Then the fallow time. The fourth phase. After childhood and education, after family and career, after early retirement and young old age. A time of life’s harvest gathered in for the final years. Knowing that, yes, spring will come for the young ones, summer, too. And we will rely on their memory to keep us here in the physical world.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: Grief

    Kavanah: COMPASSION   רַחֲמִים Rachamim    Compassion, empathy; related to רֶחֶם womb; cognitive function = personal feeling

    One brief shining: A shock in the late evening, the call from Ruth I can still hear today-“Dad is dead.”-disbelief, sadness for the kids, a rush in my heart to get to them, the long forty-five minute drive through traffic and street lights, past stores and filling stations, others going about their life while one we knew would never again find his way in this material world.

    The Repost:

    Lughnasa and the Harvest Moon

    Monday gratefuls: Jon. Ruth. Gabe. Meme. Death. Again. Arapahoe county medical investigator. Police. Family gathering. Again. Sarah. BJ. Joe. Seoah. Kep. Aurora. Jon’s house. Plan. Change plan. That gurney.

    Sparks of Joy and Awe: the cycle of life and death

     

    A phone call. About 6:45 pm. One ring on the cell phone. Off. Then the landline. Hard to understand. Someone in distress. Crying. Dad’s dead. It was Ruth. She had gone down in the basement of their house to ask him a question and found him. He was cold.

    Yes, of course I’ll be there. Threw on my jeans. Grabbed my keys and my phone. Headed down the hill for the 45 minute plus drive in to Aurora.

    Joe called. He had plans underway. Be here tomorrow or Wednesday with Seoah. I called Sarah. No luck. All the way down thinking. Jon. Ruth. Gabe. Meme, their cat. What happens now?

    Jon. A tortured soul. Buffeted too much by life, never found that life preserver that could have kept him afloat. He would have been 54 this year. Not suicide. Except in a post-divorce slow motion lack of self-care way.

    By the time I got there the EMTs had come and gone. Pronounced him dead. An Aurora police car sat near the house. Jen was there.

    Ruthie ran up to my car as I drove by. I stopped. She leaned in and sobbed.

    Once I parked both Gabe and Ruth ran to me and we formed a tight circle, hugging each other, a defense against this mystery, so ordinary, yet so harsh, so final. Crying. Crying.

    Both of them surprised me by asking me how I got through the death of my mother. They knew I was young and that it was sudden. I was numb for a long time. In shock, I said.

    Gabe went with me to get some water. Are you really leaving in February? I really wish you’d stay longer. Oh. Arrow found my heart. Focus on the now.

    Back at the house on Florence Avenue a vigil of sorts set up. Waiting on the medical investigator for Araphahoe County and the coroner’s van. I had to take my Mountain appropriate sweatshirt off in deference to the 83 degrees of an Aurora late evening.

    Jon’s house is in a working class neighborhood. Small brick homes placed close to each other. A mixed community of Latino and poorer whites. The light from the police cruiser painted the house across from Jon’s in a thin layer of bluish white. Hushed conversations.

    Jen and I. Thought we might get along but her animosity and cruel treatment of both Jon and Kate was too close to the surface. We had different sectors and the kids came to each of us at different points.

    The coroner’s van came. Ruth gave Jon’s quilt wrapped body a final hug and the gurney took him on his last exit from his house.

    I left shortly after, driving back up the hill. Ruth and Gabe headed to their mom’s. Sarah and BJ are on their way. Joe and Seoah.

    Many things unclear. How will I communicate with Ruth and Gabe now that they will be with their mom full time? What kind of service? Where? Ruth said Jon wanted to be cremated.

    The coroner will have his body at least until Tuesday late afternoon. They have to determine cause of death, rule out suicide, other possibilities. Sarah, as his closest blood relative, has legal authority since Ruth is under 18.

    Jon had no will. What happens to the house, the cars? All of the stuff in the house. The house itself.

    Lots of details ahead. For which I have little energy. Feeling like Colorado has been about too much disease and death. Conflicted about Gabe’s comment. Wanting so much to start a new chapter far from here. Hearing him. And, Ruth.