Category Archives: Feelings

Colorado, Feelings, Friends, Jefferson County, Minnesota, Shadow Mountain, Woolly Mammoths

Places are strange

May 4, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Beltane Beltane Moon

The plane performed its wonder, lifting a couple of hundred people into the air. The full Beltane moon lit up the clouds passing by underneath. I stared out the window, a bit confused, leaving Minnesota to return home. This required an adjustment in my thinking.

Then, when I arrived at my home airport, it was strange, another place on the road with unfamiliar paths and habits. Mostly I enjoy learning new things, but it was 10 pm, almost my bedtime and I stumbled a bit, as I would in an airport unknown to me. This experience conflicted with Kate waiting in the cell-phone lot, ready to pick me up and take me back to the mountains. Odd.

Coming home to Colorado, the first time from away. The Woolly retreat for 2015 now over.

It’s a cliche. Felt like I never left. But true. Slipping back into the physical presence of my friends, my Woolly brothers, was like putting on a comfortable shirt. It just fit. Coming as it did a couple of weeks after the start of the prostate path, it was especially welcome. One friend has had prostate surgery. Another knew many who had. Most of the news was positive. Cures, few side effects. Offers to talk further as the path winds on. So welcome.

I suspect the level of my comfort at Camp du Nord, about a half-hour north and west of Ely, figured inversely to the level of strangeness I felt when returning to Colorado. But. I had no desire to remain in Minnesota, to reconsider our decision. I wanted to get home.

The Time of Not-Knowing

April 30, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Spring Beltane Moon

Maybe it’s anxiety, but I don’t think so. My sleep habits have changed over the last couple of weeks. Where I used to get up once or twice, then return to sleep, now if I get up around 3:30 or 4:00, I’m awake! Oh, boy. Also, my naps in the afternoon have been briefer to non-existent.

If I were looking in on me from the outside, I’d say it’s anxiety. It makes sense given this time of not-knowing. Yet I don’t have that jittery, over caffeinated feeling. Distraction still marks some of my day, so maybe I’m not reading myself quite right. Repressing. Could be.

Anyhow I decided that sleep hygiene is not the most important facet of my life right now. It can wait until I’ve had my biopsy. If it stays like this, I’ll seek some help.

Feelings, Health, Third Phase

Sun Breaking Through The Clouds

April 25, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Spring Beltane Moon

When I woke up this morning, I felt terrific. The haze, the gloom had lifted. Why? Have no idea except time and honesty. Honesty made sure the feelings were not trapped in a poisonous cluster reinforcing themselves; and, time has let the shock factor diminish.

Here’s a for instance. I looked up ghost towns in Colorado this morning. There are a lot of them and many not too far from here in South Park. The desire to get up, get out and go see things has begun to kick in, to put the Andover house and the prostate in the rearview for a day or so.

And I’m glad for it. I don’t like the down, distracted, glum feeling even though I know in this instance it’s referented and therapeutic.

So, I’m going to dig out the camera, the tripod, the binoculars and go on a road trip after the Woolly Retreat.

Faith and Spirituality, Feelings, Health, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant.

Spirit in the Sky

April 21, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Spring Beltane Moon

On Monday (yesterday) my spirits lifted. The beginning of the work week moves my needle in a positive direction. Kate came up with some distractions. Yesterday we finally liberated all the art with the exception of our really big paintings from their containers and stored them in the guest room. This meant another slice and compress hour or so with the discarded cardboard, then stuffing it into the recycle bin. Mostly though I think I’ve integrated the possible futures and can live with any of them. (well, maybe not live with one really bad one.)

My distraction level is down. I’ve given myself (contraindicated over time) a break from exercising. An occasional vacation is good for the bones and blood vessels. I’m being gentle and compassionate with myself.

I got back my lab test results for other parts of my body. I am more than my prostate! An odd finding was that my total cholesterol at 127 is too low. Those atorvastatin pills go under the knife, cut in half to slim them down to the 10 mg dose. It’s weird considering the need to raise my cholesterol.

My kidney disease is stable and may well remain so for the rest of my life. The numbers were good for the most part with the exception of that damned PSA and the cholesterol.

Under any future I plan to live and live well until I die. That has always been my plan, my intention and I refuse to let anything, anything, interfere with it.

Feelings, Health, Weather +Climate

Aside April 16, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Spring Mountain Spring Moon

The mountain spring moon is a sliver, 7% of full, close to a transition to new moon. And what do we have? A snowstorm that may produce 1-3 feet, that’s FEET, of snow. Based on what it’s doing right now that might be a low estimate since, according to the forecast, the snow has until tomorrow evening to fall.

And, in other news. I had a distracted day yesterday but today I’m back to normal. Slept fine both nights. Whatever comes, comes. Kate’s a great source of support.

Feelings, Health

Distraction

April 15, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Spring Mountain Spring Moon

Been distracted today. Not highly anxious, but finding it hard to focus. Which is not good for doing Latin. This will pass. I have an appointment with a urologist on April 27th and my new PSA numbers will come in today or tomorrow. More information.

Kate has said, long before I began hearing it everywhere, “It is what it is.” True. No amount of fretting will make the reality any different. Still. It is my reality and it is, at least potentially, my mortality.

I’m recording this more for myself, for later. A peg to measure reactions. Not unaffected, but not depressed, sad, worried. Distracted. The best word.

Faith and Spirituality, Family, Feelings, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Third Phase

Vulnerable & OK

March 28, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Spring Mountain Spring Moon

Quick note to say I’ve moved past the mood of the last post. Business meeting this morning with Kate at the Wildflower. We shared some of our mutual vulnerabilities: mortality, worthiness, relationships with kids and grandkids. In that unusual alchemy of love vulnerabilities shared become a source of strength and self-forgiveness. 25 years now of letting each other in, hearing and the seeing each other, loving each other. A gift beyond measure.

Aging, Colorado, Family, Feelings, Health

Yikes

January 14, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Winter Settling Moon

Both Kate and I feel like we’re ahead of what we’d expected in terms of getting stuff liberated, sorted and placed. We’re maybe 60% unpacked in the house, somewhere between 40 and 50% in the loft and very little in the garage, which will probably wait until spring.

Had a bit of a scare last night when the dogs rushed inside ahead of us after we returned from the science fair. The dogs’ feet carried in snow which quickly melted and Kate slipped right at the door and fell. Scared me for her, with two metal hips. Fortunately, she has strong bones, no osteoporosis, and walked away with a skinned shin. Yikes.

This morning I got up and put a new indoor/outdoor rug down in the front of the door. We’ll do that at the other two entrances as well. All tile makes sense with the snowy weather here, part of the charm, but it also makes slipperiness an issue. Part of getting used to a new space, a new climate.

A light snow last night covered the driveway and our small deck. With the temps forecast into the high 40’s or low 50’s tomorrow and the next day, I’m going to see whether it will melt without shoveling. An experiment. Getting used to a new place.

Colorado, Feelings, The Move

Acceptance

December 22, 2014 Charles Leave a comment

Winter Settling Moon

Belongings had to be shuttled in by U-Haul truck. Van wouldn’t fit in the driveway. An extra, healthy charge.

New place, new persona. Anger, not helpful. I looked up the serenity prayer, took off the first word and went through this wise sentence many times. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change: the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

So. Could I adjust the size of the van or the length and width of our driveway? No. Pay the cost, then. Greet the driver and the movers as allies in our move. Which they are.

The dogs, whose crates would be exposed to the wind through open garage doors, I could help. I cut up emptied boxes and taped them around their crates as a wind barrier. Unexpected result? Quiet, peaceful dogs. Something I could change.

Kate and I had a nice lunch while the movers are packing the remainder of the load into the U-Haul truck, got some rest and can still laugh. The Colorado me.

Feelings, Friends, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Woolly Mammoths

Enough

December 14, 2014 Charles Leave a comment

Samain Moving Moon

Back from Groveland. A period put now to ministry. The Woollies showed up en masse thanks to Ode’s organizing. The conversation after Purity of Heart Is to Will One Thing was solid, engaging. Interesting. And deep.

Told Kate that with the docents, the Woollies and the Groveland send-offs I feel affirmed. She said I could gloat if I wanted. No, I said. Affirmation is adequate. More than adequate, she said. Yes. Affirmation is enough.

It means that somehow the sum of how I’ve shown up in the world has been a positive for some people. Enough.