Category Archives: Family

P.T. and Hanukkah

Winter                                                             Cold Moon

Katie, my physical therapist, is young, only a year and a half into her career. She’s thin and a somewhat recent transplant from Florida. Colorado and its mountains, its snow, even its trout streams are her playground. She went snowshoeing on Hoosier Pass yesterday, the road from Fairplay goes over Hoosier Pass to Breckenridge. It’s high, you can access altitude above the tree line. She did, being out there “a few hours.” Afterwards, she said, she fished. Fly fishing. Which she took up a year ago with classes and a membership in Trout Unlimited.

She tells me my flexion and extension are remarkable. She says, too, that the stiffness and achiness that I have is typical. “It’s not scar tissue or anything else like that, it’s the body’s reaction to the surgery. It will pass. You’re doing very well.” That was nice to hear.

As the day winds down and night falls, the knee begins to kick out pain again. Feeling better, I’m going up and downstairs more often, walking more, generally putting the knee to work. By day’s end it’s tired of the effort and says, “Slow down. Stop.”

We’re on the sixth night of Hanukkah, many candles have burned to get us here. Lots of wrapping paper and delighted squeals. Opened boxes litter the coffee table and the couch, gift sign. Ruth got skins for her skis today. These get put on skis when you want to go up the mountain, rather than down. Gabe got Pokemon cards and a sketch book.

Hanukkah requires some discipline, apportioning presents so there are some left for the end of the 8 days. Jon enforces a strict two-present openings a night rule for both kids. Kate recites the Hanukkah blessing in Hebrew while Ruth and Gabe try to follow along.

Our three generation household runs pretty smoothly in spite of the usual sibling rivalry.

Illness and Recovery

Winter                                            Moon of the Winter Solstice

The ancientrail of illness and recovery continues here on Shadow Mountain. Yesterday it brought an unusual moment, a highly emotional tidal wave crashing through my early Christmas morning consciousness.

The immediate trigger was, I think, the pile of Hanukkah presents on the coffee table beside me. The Christmas spirit that still flows around this secular, pagan heart saw them. And rejected the moment. What followed was a period of dislocation, the closest analogy I can give is culture shock.

What was I doing in this house with this holiday underway? Mom, Dad, Mary and Mark rose up. I missed them all, a lot. Further the friends from Minnesota. Why was I here in cold Colorado, in the mountains, when my family and friends were dead or far away?

The logic of these feelings did not account for Kate, who worked the New York Times crossword across the room. Nor did it account for Jon, Ruth and Gabe. Nor the dogs. These were dramatic, histrionic feelings, slouching toward despair and isolation and loneliness. I cried for the distance I felt from the house, from my life here.

In talking with Kate about this later in the day she offered an interesting perspective. After my Minnesota trip in September, I began to forego my workouts which had become too painful. The decision to replace the knee had been made not long  before that trip. Oddly, at some point the act of sitting became painful which made using the computer in the loft all but impossible.

Then on December 1st I had knee surgery. Since then, 3 weeks plus, I’ve lived with pain and meds, often so disoriented that I lost track of sentences midway.

Kate thinks I may have lost my self. The self that cut down the trees, cut up the slash. The self that writes. The self that hikes. The self that engages easily with the world. That self was lost in the last few months, diminished, then vanished. The journey from the trauma of surgery to healing and beyond has displaced at least my sense of self.

All this came to a confluence yesterday. Still not sure what to make of it though the crying felt cleansing. I’ve not had the same feelings since then.

The Morn

Winter                                                            Moon of the Winter Solstice

twas-the-night-before-christmas-a-visit-from-st-nicholas-by-clement-c-moore-with-pictures-by-jessie-willcox-smith-published-1912-3Christmas. Today. Right now the electricity of children twirling in their beds after a sleepless night, the clatter of little feet racing down stairs, bleary eyed parents waking up, wondering why all of this has to happen so early in the morning cause psychic vibrations to pulse through the country, hitting even the top of Shadow Mountain. If they were lit, they would put the northern lights to shame.

It’s sweet in its way though there is a slight tinge, ok maybe not slight, of greed, of concupiscence being lodged in innocent hearts. This morning I’m traveling with the innocence of wonder and hope and pleasure, the sounds heard through the night of reindeer on the roof, some sort of clattering in the chimney or on the stairs or in the elevator shaft. As I do, I realize this is a true aspect of American culture, not practiced by all Americans to be sure, but enough that the magic of Christmas morning is a part of us we all recognize.

druid santa
druid santa

While it happens elsewhere, up here on Shadow Mountain we woke up to a light dusting of snow, a cloudy sky and the dying crescent of the winter solstice moon occluded, but partially visible. It would not surprise, in this mood, to see a long string of reindeer push up above black mountain, a victorian sleigh attached and a jolly old elf holding the reigns. I would be pleased in fact.

Whatever the inner push that moves you this morning, take a moment to drink in the flavor of this old family holiday, so disconnected from the notion of incarnation, but not too far from pagan joy in the evergreen tree and its brave lights.

137 degrees. Yowza.

Samain                                             Moon of the Winter Solstice

New physical therapist this morning. Measured flexion in my left knee at 137 degrees. A lot of people at my stage can’t bend their knee at all. Many work hard to reach 120. When I acknowledged my surgeon, Katie said, “We’re not supposed to say this, but the surgeon matters. A lot.” I believe it.

She put me through some new work. First time on a Pilates machine. Some balance exercises. I liked her. I may go the whole 12 sessions just to learn new exercises.

Our coffee table has Hanukkah gifts for the kids and, starting tomorrow night, will have menorahs. This is Hanukkah showing up very late in the year. A few years ago we had Thanksgivukkah, a combination of Thanksgiving and Hanukkah. We’ve moved pretty far into the Jewish home ritual world, lighting shabbos candles occasionally and always celebrating passover.

So, no matter how you take your holidays, straight or bent a bit, have good ones.

It’s Alive!

Samain                                                                   Moon of the Winter Solstice

karloff-history-science-and-frankensteinSo. The old computer, dead to me when I went in for surgery, has shown signs of life. I’m very glad because there are many things on here I want, need to keep. It’s six years old though, past its sell-by date, and I no longer trust it, so I’m going to buy a new one after the holidays. I’m glad to have it available now, however, because it means I can visit the loft again in the early morning, expand my daily circuit, get me out of the house for a while.

Had a very sweet moment yesterday. I took a nap, slept peacefully for an hour, and woke up with no pain. It was as if, for a moment, that the surgery was long past or never happened at all. Then I got up. Oh, well.

tibial-keel-punch
tibial-keel-punch

Progress is good, not swift, but good. My second out patient p.t. today takes care of my workout for the day. No more three a days as I was doing up until now. Though. The new exercises are harder and I have to do more sets. I’m a fan of p.t. It’s cheap. It’s non-invasive and it puts me in charge of my recovery.

(just one of the tools used in my surgery. this one drills the hole in the tibia. Inserted in the hole is a titanium rod. Hello, TSA.)

The grandkids are here for the holidays. Hanukkah begins tomorrow. Lots of energy buzzing and blooming throughout the house. Jon and Ruth have been printing a lot using Jon’s found metal method. In case you don’t remember he finds crushed metal on the road side, retrieves it, takes it home, cleans it up, inks it up and prints it using a rotary printing press. (like the one we used at the Highpoint Cooperative for docents and Woolly readers.)

I’m so happy to greet you all from my loft here on Shadow Mountain. Have a wonderful holiday season.

Chilly

Samain                                              Moon of the Winter Solstice

Woke up this morning to a text from Tom Crane. He lives in the western Twin Cities’ suburb of Shorewood. It was, he said, -20. Now that’s getting chilly. Up here we started out at zero, but hit 28 later in the day. The solar snow shovel is hard at work. Yeah.

Due to my delicate condition we hired a snow plow guy, Ted. Ted moved here from Ames, Iowa, the closest town to Nevada where Kate grew up. Weird. He came early yesterday, did a great job.

I’m looking forward the next couple of weeks because I’ll begin to get up to the loft. December and January are my finishing touches months. Hang art. Make sure all bookshelves are organized. Get standard file holders for my shelves of files. Get the tea going, all things that have been waiting, I want to see them finished.

The grandkids come on the 21st, the Winter Solstice. With a short break we’ll have them through New Years. A strong family inflection to the end of the year. It feels appropriate.

Due to the pain and the drugs I’ve had less thinking time than I imagined. Not a bad thing, just a surprise. What I have had is an intense couple of weeks with my body and its limits. Being focused and present to my body has been a good thing. I probably don’t take as much of that kind of time as would be helpful.

Kate has had four days of sleeping and resting though today she ventured out shopping. Crazy, she said. She’s my beauty, my strength.

Anyhow, to all of you, happy holidays.

 

Weird about the cold

Samain                                                  Moon of the Winter Solstice

We’re in the cool zone here. Zero right now. Coloradans are weird about the cold. When the temps head toward single digits, they break out the down coats and head for the King Sooper to stock up. They do the same when there’s much snow in the forecast, too. Kate and I just shake our heads. Silly Coloradans. Spend a winter in Minnesota.

Jon went to A-basin yesterday but due to the closing of Loveland Pass he drove all the way to Fairplay, over Hoosier Pass, through Breckenridge then backroads. A long drive, but beautiful. Fair Play is the county seat of Park County, all of which is South Park. South Park inspired the adult cartoon.

I see my internist tomorrow. She wants to check out my 02 levels and my use of narcotics. Healing faster now.

From the land of high mountains, blue skies and abundant ski and bicycle racks.

Bandage Removed

Samain                                                      Moon of the Winter Solstice

Over to Panorama Orthopedics H.G. today. It sits next to Earth Trek, an indoor climbing wall, and across from the difficult to read Jefferson County Courthouse. Is it a museum? A housing complex? An observatory?

Saw Becky, one of my surgeons p.a.s. She removed my acquajel bandage and I saw the glued together incision, no stitches, for the first time. It’s a ragged wound from above my knee to about 5 inches below it. It was a ritual moment, the bandage removal. It felt significant, a milestone on this journey.

We had planned some shopping, but I chose to go home, get out the ice, then go straight to bed. This was my first lengthy outing and it exhausted me.

Later we drove into Aspen Park where I signed up for physical therapy, the out patient version. Then, lunch at JJ Maddens, a so-so Italian place not far from Select Physical Therapy.

The drugged out haze seems likely to continue for a while. Buddy Mark O says it lasted a while for him, also saying, very helpfully, “It was worth it.” Right now that’s still a question mark to me. All pain and only some gain.

Looking forward to the time when the knee is not the first and last thing on my mind each day.

Monitoring

Samain                                                      Moon of the Winter Solstice

Yes, self-absorbed. It’s one of the moral hazards of serious illness or significant medical procedures. The world is about my temperature, my pain, drugs, sleep, diet, chair. Other’s agree. For a while. But there comes a point where too much attention can become a path to a different, darker place. In that place the original cause for self-absorption passes, but the demands for preference do not. I’m raising the red caution flag for myself. (ok. yes, it’s ironic I do this on a blog devoted to my thoughts and life)

It’s time I began to take on tasks again. That gentle veil of opiates is still there, so is the pain, but my understanding of what this will take is also much greater now. Time and persistence. That’s what it will take. So, I’m on that and on integrating myself back into my life.

Kate’s taking a rest day, maybe two or three. The divorce. The grandkids on weekends. My surgery. Her own arthritis. She’s a dynamo that’s slowly wound down. Needs a recharge.

The main lineaments of the divorce, the rules of disengagement you might call them, are recorded. (I think.) Given the drama and pitched battles of the past few months you could be forgiven for thinking this is the end. Really, though, it’s the beginning. Being divorced is a verb, an ongoing action and it relates to the after marriage. Ask anyone who’s negotiated what to do with a sick kid. Or, had to choose a new school for children in a shared custody arrangement. Ask anyone whose heart thumps on that first date. Ask anyone who’s self-doubt still drags a locked trunk marked: the ex.

Let the after marriage life begin! And, as my buddy Bill Schmidt suggests, let the post-surgery life begin, too.

 

Slow

Samain                                               Moon of the Winter Solstice

Jon came in yesterday evening, billowing chartreuse ski pants, boots with snow fresh from A-basin’s recent 18 inch snowfall. It was, he said, “Worth it.” Skiing, Jon told me long ago, is “when I feel most like who I am.” He turned 48 Saturday. His 48th year will be a significant one, moving him past a painful chapter and toward what we all hope will be a better one.

Ruth built a fire in the place: small to big, one match. She did it. She is now one-match Ruth. She also moved split logs closer to the house using her plastic toboggan. A problem with the lodgepole pine that we burn is its poor heat to weight ratio. Burns fast, not much heat, lots of resin. When the fire mitigation wood runs out, I’ll probably buy a cord or two of hard wood. We can get that, at a price, from down the hill where deciduous trees make their last stand before the Rockies.

Jon’s birthday meal was yet more steak from our Carmichael Cattle Company quarter beef. We discuss the cow from which the meat came, not every meal, but often, following our short ceremony thanking it for its life on the occasion of our first meal with its meat.

Pat, the leprechaun p.t. guy who lives down Shadow Mtn. Drive on the grounds of a 1920’s/1930’s tennis camp will be here in a few minutes for another round of exercises. My follow up with the surgeon’s p.a. is this Friday so I’m prepping for what I imagine will be a less painful phase (less, not none) of the recovery. As soon as I’m off the narcotics, I can drive.

I’ve been in a morphine, dilaudid, vicodin haze since the 1st of December. I lose track of the conversation, can’t follow sentences in books, generally feel gauzy. Less so now as Kate has me on a slow wean, a tricky balance, as I’ve said, between enough pain control to exercise, but not more than enough.

Even with an attractive goal and the knowledge that I volunteered for this, the immediacy of pain and the druggy haze dominates the moment. Hard to feel beyond.

In other organ recital news Kate is off to a rheumatologist today to see if there is more that can be done for her rheumatoid arthritis: wrists, shoulder, back, ankles. When we crossed the border into Colorado, myself with Tom Crane, Kepler, Rigel and Vega, Kate with Gertie a bit later, the entire medical services industry in Colorado joined in a chorus of that old Leonard Cohen song, Hallelujah! A major revenue source coming to stay. Welcome!

This week should see marked improvement. I’m looking forward to it.