All posts by Charles

Family, Health, Kabbalah, Tarot

The Great Wheel. The Tree of Life.

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Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Thursday gratefuls: The lost conversation. Thanks, Benzo. Tarot and Kabbalah, learning at a deep level. Bones. Bone density. Dexa scans. Finding Sally Jobe. Horchatas. Voodoo donuts. Hot dogs, New York Style. Orgovyx. Circulating.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Tarot

Tarot: Hanged Man, #12 of the Major Arcana

 

It came! It came! Just like my Red Rider BB gun! Orgovyx. A pill to rule them all. All them damned cancer cells. No, not really. A pill to starve them all. Those damned cancer cells. Yes, I’m dropping my testosterone once again, by as much as 93%. Food for prostate cancer infested cells. Fedex. Everything comes by delivery these days.

The medical churn has begun again; this time with me at the epicenter. Go here. Find this place. Get this test. Wait for these results. Then go here. Go there. Rinse. Repeat.

Exhausting. Driving. Waiting. Wondering. Days given over to the medical-pharmaceutical complex. Sometimes it feels like agency on my part, sometimes it feels like the loss of agency. Confusing.

Spoke with my cousin Diane. She’s a good listener and familiar with the medical scene, her mother a charge nurse before her death. I need the connection, the time being seen. Always, of course, but more so now. We all do, yes. I’m just acknowledging that need.

Celtic Cross tarot spread

Next week presentations in Tarot and Kabbalah. We learned the Celtic Cross spread in class yesterday. Rabbi Jamie asked me about its link to Celtic thought, “Charlie’s our Celtic expert.” I said I hadn’t thought about it.

Well. Now I am. The Great Wheel. 8 seasons. Midwest. 4 seasons. Winter=Samain-Midwinter, Spring=Imbolc-Ostara, Summer=Beltane-Summer, Fall=Lughnasa-Mabon. Kabbalah: 4 worlds Assiyah=physical, Yetzirah=emotion, Briyah=conception, Atzilut=connection. Four directions and Six (up, down). Four winds. Four elements.

The traditional presentation of the 4 seasons and the four worlds is two dimensional. The 4 seasons happen in linear time, the winter of 2021. The four worlds go up in a ladder on the tree of life from Malkut=Assiyah to Keiter=Atzilut.

Rabbi Jamie has suggested that the tree of life is better envisioned as a circle, perhaps even a sphere. That’s because the relationships between and among the sephirot are dynamic, bursting with energy going from one to the other and back again. Nothing is higher or lower.

As in the Great Wheel. No season comes first. The seasons need each other, feed into each other, create problems and solutions for each other.

More. We could overlay the four worlds on the great wheel. I would do it this way:  Assiyah=Spring, Yetzirah=Summer, Briyah=conception, Winter=Atzilut. You might choose different linkages, but in a sense it doesn’t matter since both represent energy moving from one form into another, then back. Sort of like E=MC2.

This last idea has the effect of overlaying the tree of life onto the great wheel. Or, vice versa. But, only if the Tree is circular.

In spite of the risk of way overloading the boat I’m going to throw in a bit of Taoism, too. With wu wei we follow the tao rather than forcing it. We bend with the transformation reality brings to us, adapting, leaning into it. This feels very sephirotic and great wheelish to me.

The seasons come and go; we live in them with coats and shorts and hats and gloves. We adapt ourselves to the growing season, to the fallow season. Our soul’s journey may seem physical here in Malkut, but the soul can break free from Malkut and travel back up, or, better, over to the Crown, the Keiter and past it into the ayn sof. Then, return.

Still have to add tarot in here. I hope this doesn’t become too Rococo, but it does feel true to my understanding. More to come.

 

 

Great Wheel, Health, Kabbalah, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

No Rage Against This Machine

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Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Rocky Mountain Cancer Care. Tarot. Kabbalah. Positron Emission Tomography Scans. In a trailer. Axumin. Drugs. Benzo. Air purifiers. Purified Air. Rarified air. 8800 feet. Living in the Mountains. On a Mountain. Alan. Tesla.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Axumin tracer

Tarot:  Eight of Pentacles

 

Boy did I relax. Took the benzodiazepine. Slept 3 hours and 40 minutes when I got home. Got up at 7 pm and the dogs hadn’t been fed. They were lying in the family crate with me, willing to let me sleep. Calmed me way down.

Not sure it helped much with the scan. I’d read the wrong information about the scan. I read the information for a PET scan where the wait after injection of the radioactive tracer is an hour. In the case of the axumin scan? No waiting. After injection the axumin travels to the prostate bed, the most important site for the scan. Right away. They want you in there soonest. Oh.

I popped the small pill and waited. I think they had mischeduled my scan. The main tech was in a bit of a hurry. She slipped the butterfly IV in my right arm. Said she’d be back in a bit. She was. About five minutes later she injected the axumin and I went into the bed of the trailer for a lie down.

Oh. Yeah. This is the newest PET scan machine. The latest and greatest according to the tech. Just got it in April. We had to walk through the receiving bay for ambulances, out into the parking lot. Sure enough, a long white tractor trailer sat on a stretch of asphalt behind the main building.

Watch the stairs. The handles are loose. They were. It felt like going up the steps to a carnival attraction. Step right up, see the amazing, the latest, the greatest, PET Scanner!

Lying on the curved bed of the scanner, knees up on a naugahyde triangular pillow, after the techs had left the room, I remembered. Hey, hey. My hearing aid! They came and got it. No metal in the machine.

The bed wiggles a bit when it moves but otherwise goes forward and backward smoothly and precisely. Gotta get the right parts to the scanner. I closed my eyes, the benzo had not yet taken affect. The bed moved. I opened my eyes.

Oops. Closed them again. I was in the middle of the tunnel, surrounded on all sides by curved metal. Just the thing that triggers my claustrophobia. I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m ok. I talked myself down though the urge to crawl out of the tunnel and run away was strong. Gradually the drug began to work and I calmed down. Took about twenty minutes, maybe a bit more.

Now, somewhere, stored in bits and bytes, the current story of my prostate cancer has visual imagery. In the next couple of days a radiologist trained in the dark art of reading such images will make a report. If there’s nothing urgent (I don’t know what that would be.), I’ll get a telemedicine call from Kristie, Eigner’s PA, to go over the results next Tuesday am.

After that, I imagine, will come a referral for radiation. Probably back to Anova Cancer Care in Lone Tree.

I drew, again, the eight of Pentacles. “A time for slow and steady work to fulfill a vision. Focus on one step at a time rather than the final goal.” And, “Whatever your health concern is, right now you need to take a step back and look at the process you are taking.”

A holistic look, a vision for my health, not just cancer, not just post-polio, but my healthspan.

The cancer path has clear steps now and I’m following them: orgovyx comes today. Had the PET scan, await the results and what they suggest. Nothing more to do now. My bone scan is today. See what I need to do for my bone health. The new hearing aid and microphone come on Friday. That will help me, especially as  mask mandates return.

I’ve restarted my exercise routines, gradually building back up to three sets a workout, 15 reps, three days a week. Longer cardio on off days.

My spiritual life (I don’t like the word spiritual, gotta find a better one. It has no there there.), for lack of a better term, continues strong. I am part of the world, part of the natural world, ensnared by entropy. I will return to the earth, dust to dust. That is certain and ok. The Great Wheel turns and I turn with it. Rejoicing in the seasons: of the earth, of my Kate, of myself.

The place I could improve the most is diet. Want to get that kitchen remodeled so I’ll want to cook in it. I need to get better at preparing food for myself rather than going the easy routes of frozen meals or take-out.

One foot. Then another. And, another. The path? The ancientrails? Life. Health. Creativity. Friendship.

 

 

 

 

Friends, Health, Kabbalah, Mussar, Tarot

The Fire This Time

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Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

August, 2017

Tuesday gratefuls: Mary’s card. Alan. Pet scans. Cancer. Urology Associates. Rigel, snuggling in with her head next to mine last night. Dogs. All of them. Each of them. Blue Sky. Green Lodgepoles and Aspen. Oxygen. 8,800 feet. Shadow Mountain. The Rocky’s.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: No name baby Giblin

Tarot: Princess of Wands

 

PET scan at 1 pm today. Nothing but water after 9 am. The ritual rules now applying to me, not Kate. Wear soft clothes with no metal. BYOB. Bring your own benzodiazepine. (for my claustrophobia) Got my single pill yesterday at King Sooper Pharmacy. $.06. I plan to take it at the same time as the axumin injection.

Paul’s daughter Claire had her Baby! In August, pretty close to Kate’s birthday. New life. The wheel turns.

Tomorrow a bone density scan. Friday, the new hearing aids. A positively body week.

Tomorrow is the next to last Tarot and Kabbalah class. I’ve gotten a lot from this class. Mirrors of the soul. Or, better, mirrors for the soul. Take the Princess of Wands I drew today.

Wands are a fire suit, focused on the spirit, on chi, prana, life force. The Princess brings the earth element to fire, representing the role of Malkut, the physical realm, in the Fool’s journey of the spirit. Malkut is this world where the Shekinah, the anima of divinity, rules. The Princess in my daily draw adds to the cards speaking to my anima.

Cancer is a fire burning through my physical body, affecting my nephesh, my animal soul. It brings fatigue, weakness, struggle. Yet fire is, too, the element of spirit. And, yes, even cancer has its role in the Fool’s journey of my spirit.

Mortality, a signal characteristic of Malkut, often hides behind career, fear, distractions. And, Quests for meaning, or money, or fame. We put mortality behind the Wizard of Oz curtains of success, reward, trophies.

Cancer sets fire to those ambitions, those frail and evanescent forms of the earthly. Into its fire goes health, focus, even life itself.

As its flames burn hotter, it sears away the dross of expectations leaving room for nothing but soul. It may even burn away the physical body, sending the nephesh on its journey back up the Tree of life to the crown, the keiter. Because nothing is lost. Transformation is the only rule.

The Princess of Wands is this transformation of the earthly into the spirit’s furnace. She reminds us, me, that even cancer can be a tool for spiritual growth, for change.

Mussar practice:

Name the context-The day of my PET scan. Putting location and quantity to my cancer. A day of truth. Truth used to help my body last as long as it can.

Name the feelings: Fear. Mild anxiety. Calmness. Curiosity. Acceptance.

Choose which ones to express: Calm. Curiosity. Acceptance.

Aging, Beyond the Boundaries, Cinema and Television, Family, Feelings, Great Wheel, Kabbalah, Myth and Story, Original Relation, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

I am

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Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Monday gratefuls: Helen Reddy. I am Woman. The Women’s movement. Cancer. Its sequelae: pet scans, orgovyx, friends reaching out, fatigue, persistence. Shortness of breath. Family. T-shirts. Living in the moment. The Day. A Day. This Day.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The voice of the 1960’s

Tarot:  Prince of Pentacles

 

Watched I am Woman. A biopic about Helen Reddy. Got drawn in by a snippet of the movie in which Tilda Cobham-Hervey sings Delta Dawn. Didn’t know that was Helen Reddy. I’ve been listening to it in my head for weeks now, since I thought about a parody featuring the Delta variant.

Not a great movie, but a good one. My anima is strong, perhaps even dominant. Movies which feature women overcoming obstacles and flourishing speak directly to me.

Many tears. Why? Well, sixties music almost always moves me, reminds me of the passion, the wonder, the promise of those magical years. Speaking truth to power. Yes. Especially when the vulnerable do the speaking.

Remembering Kate. Her determination to go to med school. The Dean who tried to turn her away because “You’re already married to a doctor.” Her determination to conquer the obstacles in her life: back pain, sexist managers, a lost voice, her final illness. A strong, smart woman. Ill-used by many of the men in her life. But always, always getting back up and going on.

Cleansing, the lacrimae. Sacred waters. Draining pain and sadness and nostalgia. Bringing me into the present after a trip through the past.

Got a lot done over the weekend. Money stuff. Pruning. Cleaning. Writing.

What is a good use of time? A key question for those raised in the success obsessed American culture. I still clip articles about improving my productivity. Why? That ancientrail, my highest potential, trapped me in a long and narrow tunnel, one I’ve struggled against, embraced, knelt down and crawled through on my hands and knees.

All those novels. Unpublished. Kate wanted me to publish before she died. All that injustice. Still there, seeming deeper and more entrenched now, after all the work. That damning number, carbon in the atmosphere. Still rising.

And then we die. Leaving behind an unjust world, a world heating up behind human endurance, creative works birthed but never raised into adulthood.

Tarot cards speaking to my anima, encouraging her, telling her to dive in, create, dance, sing-the High Priestess, the Lady, even the eight of Pentacles. Today, again, the Prince of Pentacles. That’s the patient, methodical, practical approach guy. Speaking to my animus.

Animus and anima working together, literally yin and yang, vibrating, humming, feeding each other, feeding off of each other. My neshama emerging, cheering them both.

I am Woman. I am Man. I am. Both.

Dogs, Family, Friends, General, Health, Kabbalah, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

Low Anxiety

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Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Eye moistener. Cool nights. Anxiety. Kep, a sometimes loft dog. Right now, for example. Rigel. Marshdale Burger Company. Fried cheese curds. (a Wisconsin health food) My chair. Friends like the Saltzmans and Tom. The Ancient Ones today.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Lady

Tarot: The Lady, #3 of the Major Arcana Druid Deck

 

Trying to remain present and/or distracted. Woke up though wondering whether my usual morning aches were, really, BONE PAIN. Don’t think so, but that idea, once planted, seems determined to hang around. Reached over to pet Kep and I was right back in the day. Another good thing about Dogs. They’re in the present, all the time. And, have the capacity to take me there, too.

That PET scan is on my mind. What will it show? Am I riddled with cancer? Probably not. But that thought wanders through. Not helpful. Are there metastases in parts of my body far from the prostate? Again, I don’t think so, but I have no evidence either way. Knowing with greater precision where the cancer likely is, the PET scan’s benefit, also means knowing I have cancer. With images. How much will they show? What will they mean?

The Orgovyx which shows up on Wednesday means hot flashes, sarcopenia, fatigue. Big fun likely to last the remainder of my life. Oh, boy.

OK. Yes. A bit over focused on these things right now. Hard to be casual about them. I know wondering, worrying will neither change the results nor help me now. I KNOW that. Have to figure out how to live it.

No more Kate focused events until April 12, 2022. Her yahrzeit. Between today and then the off and on grief, integration of her presence, rehoming the remaining items of her personal life. Living with the fact of her absence, her death.

This month through the end of September sees a lot of particular expenses: long term care insurance, 3rd quarter taxes, house staining, new hearing aid and microphone. Big ones for me. I’ve planned for them. And, the new Social Security payment should begin the third week of September.

Cooking for one remains a challenge. It’s not that I don’t know how to cook, I do. But will I spend the time in a day to do it? It’s easy to fall into the easy, the big easy. Not make a salad, follow a recipe, make sure there are fruits and vegetables. Last night I went to Marshdale Burger Company, for example. Easy.

I’ve gotten back into mussar, into MVP, taking my class on Tarot and Kabbalah. I find myself less willing to go to services and other events due to Delta. The risks still seem too high to me. Might be inertia. Can’t tell yet.

A most unsettling fact about death is the ongoingness of life. How cars still whoosh past on Black Mountain Drive. How Centurylink and IREA still send their bills. How the people I know still look the same. How the days on the calendar keep coming and going. Death is so big it seems like it should blow up reality. Instead it rearranges bits.

Later, all. If this sounds gloomy or unsettled, I do have those feelings. But I also have the Lady.

 

The Lady: The Lord and the Lady are the lovers of Major Arcana 5 in the Druid deck. This card is the Lady alone. The God (Cernunnos) and the Goddess make love in the Spring. Fertility. The Lady oversees the time from Beltane to Samain in my thinking. The Maiden shows up at Imbolc, replacing the Crone, who appears at Samain. These are the three stages of womanhood, the full seasons of the year, the psychology wheel which turns in all of our psyches.

This card, and the one from yesterday, the 8 of pentacles, make creativity, abundance, vitality a center piece. Suggesting the same for me. A suggestion I need. I’ve let that slide.

 

 

Aging, Friends, Health, Jefferson County, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

In This Body. Now.

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Lughnasa and the full Chesed Moon

Saturday gratefuls: Cancer. The full Chesed Moon. Emergency responders in front of the house last night. Congregation Beth Evergreen. Alan. Pet scans. Orgovyx. Cool morning. The dogs who love me. Friends and family. Fatigue. Claire and her new life.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Soul Mirrors-tarot, torah, tanakh, astrology, friends, memories, art, literature, poetry, wilderness and wild things

Tarot:  Eight of Pentacles

 

Yesterday. A stay at home, I’m too tired to go out anyhow sorta day. Any time I feel weary now I hear Kristie, Dr. Eigner’s PA, asking, “Have you been experiencing fatigue? Bone pain?” Meaning, is the cancer causing you to experience either of these symptoms? Maybe I’m just tired? Or, maybe not. Acchh. Not needed.

Cleaning up. All of Kate’s personal belongings have been donated or targeted to certain people like Ruth. That’s a key part of the first phase. Now I need to clean up the clutter, pitch the items that no one wanted (mostly toiletries). When that’s done and Marina Harris’s crew has cleaned the house (Monday), I’ll be ready to move furniture. Oops. No, I won’t. Ruth still needs to move her sewing things to Jon’s house. A lot.

Anyhow, when they’re gone and the sewing room is empty, I plan to reuse it as a family dining area, a place for large meals. The grow room idea for the front part of this room is still in progress, uncertain. I also want to create a conversation area in front of the fireplace. That means getting rid of those two display cases. That’s not yet accomplished either. Someday soon.

The conversation area will take Kate’s chair from downstairs, the Stickley, perhaps my chair from downstairs. Or, maybe I’ll leave the couch and put the Stickley and Kate’s chair across from it. TBD.

At some point rooms will get painted, more art hung, and the photographs moved to the new dining area’s metal shelving. I’d like to accomplish all this before Thanksgiving, even better, before the end of September.

Cancer news: Alan will take me to Aurora on Tuesday afternoon for my auximin scan. Have to be there at 12:30 for a 1:00 appointment. The inevitable and voluminous paperwork. The presentation of the cards. Then, an injection. “Axumin® (fluciclovine F 18) injection is indicated for positron emission tomography (PET) imaging in men with suspected prostate cancer recurrence based on elevated blood prostate specific antigen (PSA) levels following prior treatment.” Takes about 30 minutes to circulate before the PET scan can begin.

Somewhere before that I’ll take whatever drug Kristie ordered for my claustrophobia. Enclosed spaces and me? Not a good combination. The scan itself takes around an hour, full body. A week later I’ll get the results unless something urgent is found. I hoping for a week later.

On Wednesday I get my first shipment of Orgovyx, the pill-form replacement for Lupron. It has 50% less impact on cardio-vascular issues, important for me. Could cost as much as $140 a month. I balked, then remembered that I’m paying exactly the same for Kep’s cytopoint injections for his allergies.

One step at a time. “A practical, patient, and methodical approach to a project may be needed. These qualities may be needed to improve your health and nutrition.” Tarot’s prince of pentacles. Especially important because this line from the 8 of Pentacles is also true: “(It)…usually will symbolize that you have been working hard for your health goal and yet you are not seeing the desired responses. (see below)

Prostatectomy. Radiation. Androgen deprivation. All of that and I still have a 7.4 PSA. Not the desired response. I appreciate this as well: “Do not allow yourself to become overwhelmed with the larger picture.” A day at a time. Stay in the present. Be here now.

I’m doing pretty well with that. I spin out once a while, but the ultimate question on the table, my mortalityspan, does not send me there. Dying is ok. Expected. Necessary. It’s the hassle of the last days, as Kate experienced, that challenges me. Again, though, not often. I try to stay here. In this body, in this place.

 

 

“The Eight of Pentacles is a card that represents a work in progress. The card can be somewhat concerning in health because it usually will symbolize that you have been working hard for your health goal and yet you are not seeing the desired responses. Whatever your health concern is, right now you need to take a step back and look at the process you are taking. Consider what ways you are doing counter-productive actions and which efforts are simply not enough. Do not allow yourself to become overwhelmed with the larger picture at hand. Take one step at a time and do not lose sight of your goal.” Auntyflo

“A positive card, you should expect good things to happen when you see it; especially aspects relating to a creative industry, or a project or part of your life that you have worked extremely hard on and dedicated yourself to. A good card to draw if you are intent on learning a skill or trade which you have a lot of passion for.”  tarot-explained

 

 

 

Family, Feelings, Garden, Kabbalah, Plants, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

Blindfolded and Bound

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Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Irises in Andover, 2014

Friday gratefuls: Kate, sinking into the top Soil, nourishing the Irises. Her birthday. Now over. Seeing Mary. Jon. Ruth. Gabe. Yesterday. Mussar. Being seen and heard.  Living with cancer. Advanced. PET scan on Tuesday. Allergies waned. 45 degrees this morning.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: PET scans

Tarot:  8 of Swords, Druid

 

August, 2010, honey extraction

I needed everyone gathered on Wednesday. Kate’s birthday. The first since her death. Their presence honoring her also buoyed me up, made the day rich, meaningful, even though painful and sad. I especially appreciated the sense of joy added with the balloons and the yellow Roses. Kate’s work with simcha, joy in Hebrew, included giving yellow Roses to each participant in our mussar class.

Yesterday was a quieter day. I worked out in the a.m., took a nap, then went to mussar at CBE. Took the opportunity to tell folks about my PSA and Kate’s birthday. Being heard and seen. By folks who care. I said yes, I’m alone, but, not lonely. Living alone suits me, two thumbs up. Of course, I’d prefer if Kate were here, but, she’s not.

On the way home I stopped again at the Chicago beef food truck; it’s parked on my way home. Two hot dogs with pickle, mustard, and relish. Two chili cheese dogs. Ruth and Gabe stayed the night on Wednesday. We all love hot dogs.

Mary transferred out of the cabin Sarah rented through Air B’nB. She got a hotel downtown, ready for her first train trip to Chicago and then on to Tomah, Wisconsin to see her friend, Debbie. She’ll be in the continental U.S. for quite some time visiting relatives. BJ left yesterday morning.

Mary, Jon, Ruth, and Gabe attended a Beatle’s cover band concert at Red Rocks last night. A cool, rainy evening. I had a ticket, but chose not to go. The last two days wore me out, down. Feeling a little lost in my inner world, needed time. Not to mention the crowd and the Delta variant.

Eight of Swords: Gonna write about this in the main text. Because I resisted this one. Victimization? Sense of being trapped? No way out? The first card I’ve drawn since the Tarot/Kabbalah class began that didn’t make sense to me. I read a few interpretations, relooked at the card. Nope, not me.

Then, as I wrote. Oh, maybe.

I do not see myself as a victim. However. I do have two unyielding realities dominating my life right now: death and cancer. Both of these restrict me, bind me to themselves. And, I have no choice. Kate is dead. My cancer has returned. Trapped? Not exactly, but constrained, captured, bound? Yes.

Looking at the card, it seems to me that a dawn has begun to emerge through the trees. The woman’s bare foot, her left appears ready to take a step, a step toward the opening in the swords. A way out of the dilemma. If she touches a sword, she’ll realize she can cut her bonds. Then remove the blindfold on her own.

Both grief and serious illness have a way of cloistering us, making us self-involved, self-engaged. And often blind to the needs of others around us. Ourselves, too.

Wednesday it was hard for me to focus on others, see them. Grief clouded my heart. Under the Chesed Moon and in this month of repentance and self-examination, Elul, I’m inclined to understand, forgive myself.

Being unavailable to others is not where I want or intend to live. Yet. Scooping out Kate’s ashes, getting the date for my PET scan put me there on Wednesday and some of yesterday, too. In the late afternoon I felt the blindfold begin to slip, slip far enough that I could put my bare foot out another step, release myself from the binding by cutting them on the sword of reason.

Yes. Cancer and death. This week’s emphasis, no doubt. Yes.

My reaction to both of them is in my control. When I let myself remember that. Today I’m committed to staying conscious, aware, not letting either Kate’s death or this cancer recurrence dominate my inner world.

“A practical, patient, and methodical approach to a project may be needed. These qualities may be needed to improve your health and nutrition.” The Prince of Pentacles from yesterday. These two cards together. I see.

Both cancer and death need a practical, patient, methodical, grounded way. Allow each one the time they need. Follow through. Keep putting one foot out, then another. Cut the ties that bind, slip off the blindfold and see, really see.

Family, Friends, Health, Kabbalah, Memories, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

The Weight

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Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Kate, always Kate. Her 77th. Sadness. Grief. Down. Plunging. Rigel, the slow to wake. Rain. Kate’s ashes. Touching them. Canning. Kate in the kitchen. Cancer. Treatment. PSA. 7.4. Life is short; death is sure.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: BJ and Mary here

Tarot: The High Priestess, #2 of the major arcana

 

Feeling the weight. Yesterday. Today. A sinking in, slowly, a light burden tied around my feet. Watching joy and peacefulness go by. The surface getting fainter. Can’t say I’m surprised.

Wish it would have waited a day or two. The folks coming today. Kate’s ashes. Her birthday. Being a host not my thing. At all.

Even my fingers seem slow. Not as nimble on the keys. An opaqueness behind my eyes.

Talked with Diane yesterday. A good talk, mostly about cancer, but still good.

Afterward I loaded almost all the remainder of Kate’s personal belongings in the Rav4, ready to donate to the resale shop in Bailey. Two and a half cases of nutrient liquid and adult diapers for Mt. Evans Hospice. Felt weak. I mean, geez.

Waited on a call from Urology Associates. Got it. Rocky Mountain Cancer Care will do my pet scan. If my health plan approves it. They often drag their feet, the nurse from Urology Associates said of my insurance carrier. This may have been the stimulus for feeling the burden.

It took me back to the bad old days before my radiation therapy and just after the recurrence, the first one. When I found out on the day of the test that a pet scan would not be covered. I felt abandoned and devastated. Then.

Now. The specter of an insurance company closing its fist around my life. About all the various incidents with insurance around Kate. Around the imaging studies. The constant trips, waiting rooms. Diagnosis. Prognosis. Each time a little worse, not better.

Feeling it all. In my chest, my face. My vision. A lassitude creeping over my muscles. An inertia in my bones. Not wanting to move. Take action. Be present.

Grief. Sadness. The profound exhaustion and stress. Kate’s long illness. Today. All present. Visiting me at the same time.

Won’t last. Will pass. Equanimity shattered for the moment.

My practice.

Name the moment: Kate’s birthday. Cancer matters swirling. People coming. A celebration of Kate’s life.

Name the feelings: Loneliness. Sadness. Exhaustion. Inertia. Grief. Resignation.

Choose: Yes, I’ll let these come. They all feel appropriate, timely. Necessary.

An instant feeling of relief when I chose. No longer pushing them away, trying to rationalize, or deny. Yes. These are my feelings. And, I am not my feelings.

The Jewish idea of the lev: the heart/mind. Which suggests to me, again, that the heart and mind are one, yet severable in a moment. The heart affects the mind and the mind affects the heart, they work in synchrony. Except when they don’t.

Right now my lev is one. Wracked and wrecked. OK with it. Need help today. Especially. A tough one. Yes, there it is. I need help. Today.

 

The High Priestess:  “Entering the stillness. The High Priestess seems to bar our way forward-don’t be in a rush to move onwards…true passivity is strong and fertile…Open to the stillness and the depth within you to gain strength and wisdom.” Druid Craft Tarot Deck

 

Over the last week plus I’ve drawn the High Priestess card three time and the Queen of Swords twice. My anima. Gaining ground, becoming stronger. Taking me down and encouraging me to stay strong, to act when the time is right. Wu wei. The Te, the integrity, of the Tao, the way. Strength for me right now, the path, involves surrender, slowing, resting in my inner sanctuary.

She who is me. And the feminine side of my intellect. Together. Nourishing each other. Counseling my animus to be still. To wait. To feel. To ask. Yes.

 

 

Family, Feelings, Friends, Health, Kabbalah, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

Sad

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Kate, Glenwood Springs

Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Monday gratefuls: Swinging low. Cool morning. Kate, always Kate. Jon. Rigel and Kep. Allergies calming down. Appointment today. My future with cancer. The Ancient Ones and Love. The clan gathering in person and in spirit.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Sleep.

Tarot card: Seven of Swords, Druid Deck

 

 

A bit of darkness in my mood this morning. Allowed, I guess. Cancer on the comeback trail. A focus on Kate, her life, her loved ones. Will bring her death closer. God, I loved her. Love her. Miss her. Sadness and longing for what cannot be.

We had so many good years, so much mutual support and kindness. So many hours of gardening, cooking, dog caring, traveling this world. Enough, really. Desiring more may seem to make sense, but it doesn’t. Enough.

With cancer raising its ugly presence again I’m tempted to say the thing about my own life. Enough. And, when death arrives I’m confident I will be able to say just that. Enough. Desiring more may seem to make sense, but it doesn’t.

Singapore, 2016

Kate, my strong, noble, beautiful Kate, knew that desire was no longer hers when she said to me, “Death with dignity.” Brave. Real. True to her self and to our relationship.

No, I’m not there in any way. Not yet enough. Although I will say that what has been has been good, has been what I chose, what I needed. And, that I expect the same, living into the next few years with joy and anticipation.

Not without the occasional darkness. Darkness, my old friend, comes to visit me each Winter Solstice. A determined, long night holding me, reminding me of the time before life and the time after. So, when darkness comes into my mood, as it has this morning, I welcome it. The sinking into myself, the quietening of outside noise, a veil between my feelings and the world. Necessary, at times.

Not to say I want to stay there. No. But that I will go into myself, take my journey underground, hunt for Tiresias. Or, my Virgil. For the learning that comes from pursuing the inward and downward path, away from the sun, into the fecund night.

Finding, as I often do, that writing about my feelings changes them. Feeling now more like tackling the day, getting on with what comes next: cancer, house rejiggering, the celebration of Kate.

 

The Seven of Swords (Druid Craft Deck): “Insights. Strategy. Research. New ideas challenge old assumptions and great progress is made. Using intellect, wit, or charm to gain an advantage or recover something that has been lost..Strategic planning or research.” from the Druid Craft’s accompanying book.

Bald, gray, intensely thoughtful. Seven different swords available for his use. Working late at night as a waning crescent moon shows itself among clouds.

“Charlie, You’re a Druid!” John Ackerman, my spiritual advisor back in the mid-1980’s. I had gone deep into the Celtic world, begun to use the Great Wheel as a way of understanding life and death.

Not exactly a Druid, but a man deep into the way of the natural world, the Te of the Tao. Following a path that’s often fuzzy, mysterious, yet comforting and ever present.

I see myself in this card, willing to go into the darkness with or without illumination, to learn from it, to report back to the lit world.

Will need new ideas today at 2 pm. How to counter the cancer’s return. Yes. Making great progress? I sure hope so.

 

 

Family, Feelings, Health, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain

Changes

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Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Nancy and Steve. Gazpacho. Alan. Rigel, noisemaker. The back road, Columbine to Dorothy. Ruth. Diane. Fatigue? Cooking. Cooking for someone else. Tarot. Introspection. Wu wei. Te. Tao. Coyote HVAC.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mitzvah

Tarot, a three card draw: past=High Priestess, #2 Major Arcana; present=five of Wands, future=Hanged Man, #12 of the Major Arcana

 

Experienced a lift yesterday cooking. I made a meal for Steve and Nancy, took it over to them. The preparation surprised me by being joyful, grounding. The drive to their house took back roads off of Brook Forest into Mountain Valleys, past homes even further off the beaten track than mine. Delightful. Spent some time talking with them. Again, surprised myself by thanking them for the opportunity to make them a meal. “I’ve received so much love from the congregation, it feels good to give some back.”

Got ingredients for two batches of gazpacho because I want to take some to the new neighbors. They drove a Penske truck up yesterday evening and unloaded it. A semi brought a big pod, Gominni’s, but I don’t think they got started on that. Not up here very long.

A lot of new folks. People cashing out, or, like Holly and Eduardo, moving to new jobs, have created a churn. Must change the demographics because these folks pay a hefty surcharge for their Mountain fantasy, one levied by the hot, hot, hot Denver metro real estate market.

Strange to consider myself an anchor neighbor, but this year’s Winter Solstice will be seven years. I almost wrote for us. Driving to Nancy and Steve’s down Black Mountain Drive toward Evergreen images came of that first week after we got here, Kate and me gingerly navigating the curves downhill to find a restaurant. Sad recollection. It was all full of promise. Grief will have its moments.

Have not gotten back to regular energy level. Thought I would. Not sure why. Grief? Lack of exercise? Something else? If it continues, I’ll have to talk to Dr. Thompson. My sleep has been good. I’m eating well. Exercise has suffered because of my injury at Hickham. That may well be it. I’ll wait a bit until I’ve regained my former exercise level.

Coyote HVAC folks came out. They’ll give me an estimate for mini-split systems. Thanks again, Tom, and your HVAC guy. I asked for three estimates. One: the downstairs two rooms which are my bedroom and the TV/reading/writing room. Two: those two rooms plus the great room upstairs. Three: the loft. I plan to do the downstairs rooms for sure. The rest will be down to budget.

I’ve kept the windows closed for the last three or four days. Thankfully it’s been cool enough to allow that. Amazing. Little trouble with allergies while sleeping. Cements the idea of ac for the downstairs. That way I can keep the window’s closed and have not only cool air, but filtered air while I sleep. Sleep is good.

Changes. The AC. The new hearing aids. Painting the house. And, I’m going to get on the new kitchen after the celebration of Kate’s 77th. Barring medical issues I’m staying put and I want to have as congenial a space as I can afford.