Category Archives: Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant.

Quadfecta

Mabon                                                                       Elk Rut Moon

September has seen me accomplish a rare third phase quadfecta. First I drove to Indiana for my 50th high school reunion. After my return I had three appointments: internist, audiologist and urologist. The internist ordered x-rays and gave me my first ever diagnosis of arthritis. The audiologist told me what I already knew, deaf in the left ear and not hearing well out of the right. The urologist told me I was nominally cancer free.

This morning I picked up and am now wearing my new hearing aid. That’s right. Aid. Just one. So far my voice sounds gravely and I’m hearing the computer keyboard clack. No real revelations so far.

So, in less than three weeks cancer vanquished, hearing aid, arthritis and my 50th high school reunion. That’s roaring around the corner into the third phase, pedal to the metal.

Neither the First nor the Last

Mabon                                                                               Elk Rut Moon

 

The bloody supermoon. Saw it last night over Conifer Mountain with Kate. We stood at the end of the driveway, she in tie-dyed t-shirt and a small Hawaiian quilt for a skirt and me trying to make sure I didn’t fall in the ditch. It was, after all, dark. It reminded me of a frigid Minnesota night, a January of long ago, with the Woolly Mammoths at Villa Maria in Frontenac. We went outside to see the lunar eclipse. The air temperature was well below zero, maybe 15 0r 20, and we stood, in the dark, marveling.

When I checked Facebook this morning, I saw many cell-phone shots of the super, bloody moon. They all proved that cell-phones are not a good choice for photographing lunar anything. Too far away. They also proved the old lover’s promise, we’ll be looking at the same moon.

As any reader of this blog can attest, I start with the same two things every post: the Celtic season on the Great Wheel and the current moon. The spiral nature of time is caught by the different seasons of the Celtic year, seasons which recur, and the always changing, yet always the same phases of the moon. This focus helps me stay in context with the natural world, in it and of it.

It also reminds me of a crucial fact. This life will end in death, but death is not the end. It is, like the recurring Celtic seasons and the phases of the moon, a moment in the spiral passage of the human species from yesterday to tomorrow. I am neither the first nor the last, but rather part of a widening gyre that is the cumulative experience of what it means to be human. I contribute my part, then make way for others, just as the blood moon departs to make way for countless more phases.

 

 

 

 

Self-ish

Mabon                                                                     Elk Rut Moon

 

I’ve had false dawns on this recent journey, thinking the time was right to get back to writing, to Latin, to dreaming, to acting. A flywheel somewhere in my psyche has pulled me back into the day-to-day, letting the sweep of things carry me along like a piece of driftwood on the tide. I pushed against it a couple of times, trying to will myself into a more productive place. I’ve failed.

Now I’m waiting, trying to flow with the direction of my psyche, following the ancientrail of change without attempting to bend it to my own wishes. It’s hard. Perhaps this is the third phase way, a more Taoist one, one where the day-to-day and our Self’s work can merge, then diverge.

There is no clock. No agenda set by others. (other than doctors) No career mountain to climb. No financial aspirations. Those of us in the third phase and out of the work life can be more open to the currents of our inner life. We do not have to cut and shape our day to meet the demands of second phase goals.

Not all who wander are lost. This Tolkien phrase unintentionally captures the problem. If you wander, the second phase life assumes you are lost. Though there are no second phase norms by which to judge your direction in the third phase, no child raising (hopefully), no boss or vocational directives, no 401k to plump up, our long affiliation with these norms often carries them over into the third phase anyway. It is in this sense that wandering in the third phase can make us seem and feel lost.

Yet I believe that the true norm of the third phase is to wander, to become like a planet to your Self, pulled by the gravitational attractions of its values and its directions. Now is the time, if you have not availed yourself of it earlier, to listen to the voices of your own heart, your own dreams, your own ancientrail. You may think or feel that, because second phase norms require us to chop and curtail our own desires to fit the needs of institutions, workplaces, family that this is selfish.

I say yes, it is. Just so. Self-ish. Always the world would have been better off if you had let your own voices guide you. Why? Because you are the only you this universe will ever see and to shortcut your development for what others want is to deny the universe your particular gifts. Now is the chance to give expression to that you hidden by the often crushing world of family and career. Now is the time to become the person the universe needs. You.

 

The Now and the Not Yet

Lughnasa                                                                    Labor Day Moon

A curious bifurcation. Friends comment on how well my life’s going. I’m not feeling it. Kate says look at the big picture. That’s what they’re seeing. Time with grandkids. Settling into the mountains. Healthy dogs. Cancer season mostly over. Loft getting put together.

When Kate suggested I look at the big picture, I replied, “It’s not in my nature.” My comment surprised me. What did that mean? “It’s not in my nature.”

In the moment I meant the larger trajectory of my life always gets swamped by the quotidian. The generator, damn thing. Rigel’s cast. Aimlessness. Sleep. That’s what gets my attention, my focus. It’s the way of generalized anxiety. Yes, I can back off from the day-to-day, know that these things are transient and the bigger things more lasting, but I get dragged right back in. Gotta change our home insurance before October 31st. Like that.

But more to my question, what is my nature? What does that mean? I mentioned a while back I’m reading a book called How Forests Think. In it Eduardo Kohn makes a strong, a remarkable case for animism, identifying animism with the Selfhood of living things. Self, if I understand Kohn right, is the gathered experience of not only an individual tree, dog, human, but of the evolutionary and genetic inheritance each individual bears. In this sense my Self is the culmination of human adaptation over millions of years, specific adaptation in the instance of my particular genetic family and the moments since my birth that have shaped who I have become in dynamic interaction with those genetics.

I’ve always had a strong view of Self, that emergent being/becoming we each are. (BTW: we, in Kohn’s vocabulary, includes all living things) Thanks to many years of Jungian analysis I have tended to articulate Self in relation to Jungian thought as an entity rooted in the collective unconscious, born of the struggle between persona and our genetic tendencies, or, said another way, between our adaptative responses to the world and our animal inheritance.

It is in this sense that I meant it is not in my nature. Over time, thanks to events subtle and gross, I have learned to focus on the thing not finished, the matter with something left to do. That moves attention away from the completed, the resolved. Things like settling into the mountains, presumptively cancer free, time with the grandkids recede, get placed in the room marked o.k. for now.

So my nature is the sum of me, the skin-bound memories (another Kohn term) and the adaptative ancestry from which I descend. Here’s an interesting point about genetics and adaptation that Kohn makes, they are future oriented. That is, the adaptations that stick are, in essence, bets on a future that will require them. So, though they come from the past and manifest in the present, each adaptation represents a subtle reorientation of the species to a time imagined, in the most physical of senses, to have similarity with the near past.

No Hurries

Lughnasa                                                              Labor Day Moon

The Labor Day moon has been full the last couple of nights. From our north facing bedroom window we see its light amongst the lodgepole pines, soft on the intermittently grassy and rocky surface that is our backyard. In Andover our south facing bedroom found the full moon shining, lighting up our bed and the room itself. This mountain experience is more subtle, we see the moon by moonshine only while the moon itself floats across the southern sky toward Black Mountain.

My mood has not lifted. I feel my Self as I see the moon shine. The Self, though hidden for now in my psychic south, still sends out rays of thought and feeling. Its presence is known only by these hints. An inclination toward horror fiction. A surge of interest in images from Rome. Imagining my books spread out on my art cart or me sitting in the now covered with books chair, reading. Looking through notes written on art works remembered. Feeling my way through the mountain, into the mountain. Wandering the trails, climbing on the rocks of Shadow Mountain.

After what I wrote yesterday, I realized this is not an unusual transition for me, though it’s not one I’ve made in a while. Something, perhaps the Self’s phases as it passes through the sky of a new place, perhaps the false winter of the cancer season, perhaps the ongoing adjustment to family and the absence of friends, something, probably a mix of all these, has put my Self in the southern sky, out of my range of vision for now.

The ancientrail through this place must be walked slowly. I’ve been trying to push, to run, to shorten the journey with speed. My inner ear becomes deaf as I hurry. My mind narrows to the dangers of the trail, watching for roots and projecting rocks. Imagination has no role. Yet, on this ancientrail of Self re-discovery listening, imagining, expanding the mind are what is necessary.

Waiting now to see the moonrise.

Lughnasa                                                                 Labor Day Moon

 

Been trying to feel the mountain. Beneath our house Shadow Mountain extends at least 8,800 feet to sea level and just where a mountain begins and ends after sea level is a mystery to me. That’s a mile and 2/3rds of rock. A lot of rock.

14 years ago I came out to Colorado and camped above Georgetown in the National Forest. Right next to me was a sugarloaf mountain. As darkness fell, the mountain disappeared into the gloom. All that massiveness just disappeared. But I could feel it looming over me. Since then I’ve wondered what the mountain equivalent is to the Shedd Aquarium’s freshwater exhibition tag: The essence of a stream is to flow. What is the essence of a mountain?

Mass seems to be the answer. It is the distinctive feature that draws our eyes when we come in on Interstate 76 from the plains of Nebraska. Suddenly, the plains stop. The essence of the plains is flatness? No more flatness, verticality created by mass intervenes with sight lines. The volume of rock pressed upwards by colliding tectonic plates changes the topography.

So these last couple of mornings, before I got out of bed, I’ve been trying to feel the mass of Shadow Mountain. Trying to extend my Self into the mountain, to feel the mountain as it lies there. Not so successful so far. It occurred to me this morning that this is the opposite of conquering the mountain, of summiting, of climbing. This is diving, deepening, merging. Part of the difficulty is the claustrophobic feeling of having the mountain all round me even in my imagination.

This is not all. I noticed the other day in the east, just above the lodgepoles on our property, Orion. In Minnesota I was a late riser so I don’t know where Orion was at 5 am in August, but his presence here surprised me. I have, until now, counted Orion as a winter companion, first becoming visible in November. He may have risen much earlier even in Minnesota, but I missed him. Orion is a special friend, a constellation with which I’ve had a long relationship and one I view as a companion in the night.

Then, there are the bucks. Mule deer bucks. On Sunday as we drove to Evergreen there were four mule deer bucks with still velveted antlers quietly munching grass along the side of the road. They looked at us; we looked at them. The velvet has a prospective nature, auguring the rut when not yet released. On this morning they were friends, not competitors for breeding rights. And they were in harmony.

Then, yesterday, Kate said, “Look at that!” I turned and over my left shoulder looked down into the grassy valley that extends between Shadow Mountain and Conifer Mountain. In the field of mown alfalfa stood a huge bull elk. His rack was enormous and already cleared of its velvet. It arced out away from his head on both sides, tines extending its reach even further. This was a bull of legend. Seeing him took us into the wild, the world that goes on alongside us here on Shadow Mountain, the lives of our fellow inhabitants of this mountain.

All of this, the essence of the mountain, Orion rising, velveted mule deer, the bull elk, hiking on the Upper Maxwell Falls trail, all of this accelerates becoming native to this place. The Rockies. Our home.

Memory Imperfect

Lughnasa                                                                 Labor Day Moon

4-A5C54CF7-1230171-8004-CA2E3357-1456389-800Today the grandkids again. Tomorrow with them the Georgetown Loop Railroad. I took them and their parents on it in 2012. Here’s a couple of photographs to show you how they liked it then. Now, they want to go back. Memory is an imperfect thing.

Yesterday we got Kate her birthday present. At 71 Grandma got a smart phone. The grandkids made fun of her old-fashioned phone, a flip top cell. They have no idea what an old-fashioned phone really looks like. Lots of bakelite.

I know I’ve been waxing philosophical over the last few days, maybe even the last few weeks. I think it’s a response to renewed life, getting serious about work again and the gradual, but steady finishing of the loft. This latter gives me a space where I can be serious and I need a certain quantum of seriousness in my day to feel balanced.

 

 

Having a Moment

Lughnasa                                                            Labor Day Moon

I’m having a moment. It’s immediate stimulus has been reading How Forests Think, by Eduardo Kohn. Kohn is an anthropologist who has done significant field work in el Oriente, the east of Ecuador where the Andes go down into the tropical rain forests of the Amazon drainage. But this book is something else. Though it draws on his field work with the Runa, its focus is the nature of anthropology as a discipline and, more broadly, how humans fit into the larger world of plants and animals.

Thomas Berry’s little book, The Great Work, influenced a change in my political work from economic justice to environmental politics. Berry said that the great work for our time is creating a sustainable human presence on the earth. In 2008 I began working on the political committee of the Sierra Club with an intent to do my part in an arena I know well. I continued at the Sierra Club until January of 2014 until I resigned, mostly to avoid winter driving into the Twin Cities.

Since then, I’ve been struggling with how I can contribute to the great work. Our garden and the bees were effective, furthering the idea of becoming native to this place. The move to Colorado though has xed them out.

Kohn’s book has helped me see a different contribution I can make. Political work is mostly tactical, dealing in change in the here and now or the near future. In the instance of climate change, tactical work is critical for not only the near future but for the distant future as well. I’ve kept my head down and feet moving forward on the tactical front for a long, long time.

There are though other elements to creating a sustainable human presence on the earth. A key one is imagining what that human presence might be like. Not imagining a world of Teslas and Volts, renewable energy, local farming, water conservation, reduced carbon emissions, though all those are important tactical steps toward that presence; but, reimagining what it means to be human in a sustainable relationship with the earth.

Kohn is reimagining what being human is. His reimagining is a brilliant attempt to reframe who thinks, how they think and how all sentience fits together. He’s not the only one attempting to do this. The movement is loosely called post-humanist, removing humans from the center of the conceptual universe.  A posthuman world would be analogous to the solar system after Galileo and Copernicus removed the earth from the center. Humans, like the earth, would still exist, but their location within the larger order will have shifted significantly.

This fits in so well with my reimagining faith project. It also fits with some economic reimagining I’ve been reading about focused on eudaimonia, human flourishing. It also reminds me of a moment I’ve recounted before, the Iroquois medicine man, a man in a 700 year lineage of medicine men, speaking at the end of a conference on liberation theology. The time was 1974. He prayed over the planting of a small pine tree, a symbol of peace among the tribes of the Iroquois confederacy because those tribes put their weapons in a hole, then planted a pine tree over them.

His prayer was first to the winged ones, then the four-leggeds and those who swim and those who go on water and land, the prayer went on asking for the health and well-being of every living thing. Except the two-leggeds. I noticed this and went up to him after the ceremony and asked him why he hadn’t mention the two-leggeds. “Because,” he said, “we two-leggeds are so fragile. Our lives depend on the health of all the others, so we pray for them. If the rest are healthy, then we will be, too.”

Reimagine faith in a manner consistent with that vision. Reimagine faith in a post-humanist world. Reimagine faith from within and among rather than without and above. This is work I can do. Work my library is already fitted to do. Work I’ve felt in my gut since an evening on Lake Huron, long ago, when the sun set so magnificently that I felt pulled into the world around me, became part of it for a moment. Work that moment I’ve mentioned before when I felt aligned with everything in the universe, that mystical moment, has prepared me for. Yes, work I can do. Here on Shadow Mountain.

 

 

 

One Month Out

Lughnasa                                                                 Recovery Moon

Now a full month out from surgery. Cancer made less threatening with clear margins, no cancer cells in the tissue around the prostate after its removal. Now kegels, those exercises vaunted in Cosmo in the 70’s, an upcoming PSA in September and healing wounds where the robot arms reached inside me are the physical remnants. The kegels strengthen muscles necessary for continence. And they’ve worked.

I thought I’d be back at it now: translating Ovid, writing Superior Wolf, investigating the mountains and the west, but I’m not. The catheter came out only three weeks ago. That required the kegels and a brief use of adult diapers, maybe a week and a half all told. Jon’s been putting the bookshelves together and shelving books has taken time.

There was, too, the steady flow of Ken of Boiler Medic and the boiler installation, Herb and John the plumbers running line for the new stove and the generator. Arranging with Eric for the generator move, then Herb back for the gas connection, then Eric back to install the automatic transfer switch and connect the generator, test it.

There is, as well, a niggling feeling that post-cancer me and pre-cancer me are no longer quite the same person. I’ve not had that sudden revelation of life’s purpose found, or a mission uncovered; but, I feel somehow different. It might be that my day-to-day won’t return to the old pattern, that some new mix will emerge.

One specific instance is a more co-ordinated reading program, using Nina Killham’s bibliotherapy recommendations, certain projects like re-imaging faith and neglected areas of reading like poetry and classical novels as guides. Then, too, there is the type of writing I’ve avoided, long form, essay like pieces on matters like reimagining faith, politics in our time, water, identity and self-hood.

I’m waiting for sign along the ancientrail of recovery from a dread disease. There is planning, goal setting and then there’s discovery. Right now I’m more focused on discovery.