Monthly Archives: April 2025

Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase

Four Years

Leave a comment

Spring and the Wu Wei Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Kate, always Kate. Her yahrzeit. Passover. Talmud Torah. Tara. Arjan. Eleanor. Leo. Findlay. Gracie. Annie and Luna. A Mountain Morning. Pagans. Planting festivals. Beltane. Greenhouse. The Night Sky. Shadow. A perfect night. Paul’s procedure. Dad’s birthday.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Passover

Week Kavannah: Wu Wei

One brief shining: Kate had the b-pap on, negative pressure to get air in the lungs, hated it; not long after she asked me if I would rather have her dead or disabled, not long after that she decided to die.

Kate in Lima, Peru. Pissaro’s place. 2011

Of course I told her I wanted her alive between those two choices. When she decided to die, she asked what I thought of her decision. I hate it, because I’ll lose you; but, I think it’s the right decision for you.

She had a clarity of thought, an unflinching nature in the face of trouble. If there was ever an emergency at work, she got called to go with the crash cart. We both knew the struggle had gotten near the end.

We cried. I asked her about some of her last wishes. Jewelry to Jeremiah, the painter and brother-in-law. Expand the Iris bed on Shadow Mountain. Plant lilacs. Then to me: Zip up. And trust your doctors.

Her doctor came in and said she understood Kate wished to “transition.” Die is not in the vocabulary of the physician. Kate said yes. Her life supports, including the b-pap machine were removed. Morphine sufficient to stave off the fear generated by air hunger dripped from her IV.

I left. The doctors said it would take a day or two for her to die. I had Rigel and Kepler to take care of back home. After driving me home, Rich asked me if I wanted to go back. No, I said.

At that point I had to feed and get water for Rigel and Kepler. The last ten days had been constant travel between Shadow Mountain and Swedish Hospital down the hill in Englewood. Emotional and physical exhaustion had taken a toll on me, too.

She died that night. I regret not being there. I also regret that when I saw her corpse it frightened me so I could not go to her. Over the years since I’ve made my peace with those regrets. I can’t change them and Kate, I know, would have understood.

This is the first time I’ve written about these last things. The regrets. I do it now because we make such a fetish of hiding the reality of death. I don’t want to be part of that. It was hard, painful for her and for me. For many others, too.

Later on, a couple of years following her death, I took her remains, housed in a Richard Bresnahan clay jar, and spread them out on a small, unnamed Mountain Stream that feeds into Maxwell Creek, then Bear Creek, then the South Platter River, carrying her down to the Gulf of Mexico and the World Ocean.

Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Holidays, Judaism

Shadow. Yet again. Passover.

Leave a comment

Spring and the Wu Wei Moon

Friday grateful: So. It has come to this. The Supreme Court, remember how big it used to loom over our culture, has to say no, you cannot leave an immigrant you deported by mistake in an El Salvadoran prison because you claim you have no authority to undo it, to the President’s lawyers arguing against bringing him home. The Supreme Court. Involved in fixing a bureaucratic travesty any decent person would have scrambled to fix on their own.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Puppy energy. Even at 5:30 am.

Week Kavannah: Wu Wei

One brief shining: No more night time excursions for Shadow, for whatever reason darkness transforms her from Shadow into Nightshade the ornery, unwilling to come in, happy to wander in the dark well beyond my bedtime.

 

Dr. Shadow is in the house

 

Dog journal: She’s nose deep in a new toy for aggressive chewers. Sharp teeth and not afraid to use them. By turns amusing and frustrating.

She’s house-trained. Loving. Self entertaining. Willing to train. Sometimes. Her eyes contain the lives of Dogs around the campfires in the Veldt. Domesticated, but not quite.

Part Dingo. Part Kelpie. Part Dalmatian. All Australian muster Dog. Alert and ready to herd.

No, Shadow. It’s not yet time for breakfast. She’s looking right at me, putting in her order.

 

Got back to mussar yesterday. First time in a month or so. Maybe a bit more. Though I’ve been on zoom. Still working on anavah: humility.

Odd moment. I wore my new round Raybans, my trademark plaid flannel, and my Grateful Dead dancing bears hat. One of the women said, after class finished, that I was the sexiest man in the room. Only three of us: Rabbi Jamie, Luke, and me, so there’s that…

Still. It surprised me. Made me think of days long past. BP. Before prostatectomy. 2015. Yet the affirmation made me feel good. Even at 78.

We all need the occasional validation of others. No matter the reason. When validation comes unexpectedly and in a manner that delights us, all the better.

Here’s the big takeaway. You can be the source of that kind of validation for another. Elevating others is a kindness always available to us. Worth doing.

 

Dawn has come to Shadow Mountain. An hour plus after Shadow gnawed me awake. Another Mountain Morning. Grateful for that.

Going to Evergreen this morning. The Dandelion. Breakfast with Alan.

 

Just a moment: Yesterday was anniversary #9 for my son and Seoah. Today’s my brother’s 66th birthday. Tomorrow’s Passover and the fourth anniversary of Kate’s death and my father’s birthday: #112 had he lived.

A lot of big moments for a three day period.

I’ll be heading over to Tara Saltzman’s for her seder tomorrow afternoon at 4 pm. My contribution is red wine.

We’ll sit around the table and celebrate the origin story for our people. Remember that time back in Egypt, so long ago. That night when we spread the blood of lambs on our doorposts and lintels. When the angel of death passed by our first born sons. Remember?

Remember the Reed Sea. How it made way for us?

This festival of liberation. Of the freeing of slaves. This is now my story, too. And a wonderful story it is. To have at its root the struggle against an oppressor, one who would diminish slaves through harsh labor. Of a people who listened to the sacred inner voice calling out for freedom and, most important of all, acted on it. Gained their release. An ancient story, yes, but one that needs reliving in every decade, every century, every millennia.

 

Commentary on Religion, Dogs, Fourth Phase, Judaism

The Shadow Knows

Leave a comment

Spring and the Wu Wei Moon

Thursday gratefuls: Shadow, the Night Dog. Cool night. Being a doggie Dad. Tarrific Trump, the unpredictable. China. My son, near to China. Seoah and Murdoch. Leo. Annie and Luna. The Jangs come to America. Ruth. Gabe. My &#$! back.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Religion

Week Kavannah: Wu Wei

One brief shining: She ran from the door into the night, once again inside shy after dark, staying mysterious, a Shadow on my late evening, coming in suddenly, behind my back, there under the bed in the morning though I thought she was outside.

 

Dog journal: My Shadow. A conundrum. Loving, playful. Dr. Shadow. Timid, threshold shy traumatized Shadow. Exuberant. Fearful. Difficult to train. Happy to train. A deeper wound than I thought. As Kate would say, tincture of time.

We spent time, Amy and me, with Shadow on the leash outside. Shadow led; then, I led a bit. Amy noticed, I did not, that Shadow panted part of the time. A sign of stress she said. Means we need to go slow with training, with the leash.

I trust Amy. She’s Dog-centric, concerned about Shadow’s mental health as well as training. The two have an intimate relation in Shadow’s case.

In the daylight and with me Shadow is a puppy. Throwing her toys in the air, chewing on bones, running outside with her tail held high.

At night she becomes fearful of the threshold to the inside. When I try to train her, she becomes cautious, tentative, suspicious. Amy’s better with her, but she gets some of the same behaviors, too.

A difficult journey for both of us. Worth it. Why? Because it’s a matter of love, of learning each other, of coming to know each other in our mutual woundedness.

 

Started my class on Religion’s Radical Roots yesterday. Rabbi Jamie through Kabbalah Experience. He’s such a good teacher. The best I’ve ever had. A very smart guy, empathetic, too.

We gave religion as a whole a letter grade, then offered what religion meant-the word and the social institution. I gave a B to a B- admitting I might be guilty of grade inflation.

Here’s my three minute definition of religion’s purpose:

I see religion as an antidote to hyper-rationalism, as a poetry of the inner world, as an attempt to order the chaos of public life, (which is when it usually gets in trouble), as a source for ideas about justice that can challenge existing political paradigms.

Fun to be in class with Rabbi Jamie. Thursday mussar, Bagel Table, and now this class. My happy place. Makes me wonder, again, why I haven’t taught.

My current conclusion. My understanding has a built in trap door. The minute something begins to feel solid for me the acid of questions opens holes in it. If I taught, I would say: Here is this idea. But, don’t trust it. It has this flaw and that one. We’d never get anywhere.

I’ve become ok with this over my lifetime, even see it as a feature, not a bug. Yet it has definite complications.

Commentary on Religion, Politics, US History, World History

Mormons

Leave a comment

Spring and the Wu Wei Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Shirley Waste. Amy. Ritalin. Gabe and the Water Grill. Aspen Perks. Conoco. Sinclair. Ruby. 4.20. Shadow, fair warning. Sleeping hard. The tiger. Still squeaking. Not for long. Dr. Shadow at work. Mark and his students. Mary and the Monkeys. My son and his wife, anniversary #9 tomorrow. Ruth in her last month of her freshmen year. Taking out the trash. Wish someone would do it on Pennsylvania Ave. Looking like NYC in the 80’s.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mark Twain, The Diaries of Adam and Eve

Week Kavannah: Wu Wei

One brief shining: Those Mormon missionaries came by and we talked at my breakfast table, their earnest smiling faces, their convinced sincerity, their modest honesty, and my heart ached for their young minds already captured and tied like a Calf in a Utah rodeo.

 

chatgpt in the style of Giotto

They came inside. I was curious about them. Wanted to know a bit more. So I asked. They pay $400 a month into a pot for all those out on mission. Then they get funds from the mothership for lodging and food, transportation. Elijah’s parents paid. The other, younger looking guy, said he paid his own way.

They go out for two years. Seems like a long time to me. Elijah was from Irvine, California. The other from Utah. They’re living in a cabin in Aspen Park.

Elijah had the extroverts ease. He loved my house, my art. The other guy, quiet, had an air of slight menace about him, the menace of the true believer, ready to throw down if disrespected. Fair enough. He did though answer this to my question about why they believed, “I suppose because I was raised in it.”

an interesting chatgpt take on the Mormon Tabernacle

The book of Mormon settles disputed territory (as understood by Mormons) in the restored church of the LDS, latter day saints. Baptism is a for instance.

At age 8 you become accountable. That’s when you can sin and it’s the earliest you can be baptized. Roman Catholics believe you can baptize by sprinkling an infant; Baptists believe in full immersion. The Book of Mormon endorses full immersion thereby resolving the issue.

There was a moment of weird crossover with the New Apostolic Reformation. Remember them? Mormons have had 12 apostles and one prophet since the time of Joseph Smith. When an apostle or prophet dies, the remaining men (yes, men) choose their successor.

This is significant since only the apostles and the prophet can receive revelations for the whole church. Individuals can, and do, receive revelation for their own lives, but only the top dogs can speak to the whole.

An interesting half hour. I admired their commitment and their persistence. Told them that. But, I also said, not for me.

 

Just a moment: Tariffic Trump. A beautiful plan he says. From a not so beautiful mind, a downright immoral narcissist. Reminds me a bit of the quieter one of the Mormon missionaries. The menace of the true believer.

I know. If you agree, I like you. If you don’t, I not only don’t like you, but I’ll punish you.

Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Great Wheel, Sport

April

Leave a comment

Spring and the Wu Wei Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Shadow, eater of bones. Fatigue. Ritalin. Breakfast out. CookUnity, above adequate. Passover this Saturday. Liberation. Easter, April 20. Resurrection. Jihad. Greater and lesser. Mark’s students, boys becoming men. Dire Wolves live. Colossal Bioscience. De-extinction. Science wonders. The Night Sky. Orion, my old friend. Andover. A time of abundance.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Dire Wolves alive

Week Kavannah: Wu Wei

One brief shining: Shadow comes over, puts her paws on the arm of my chair, stares up at me with her soulful dark eyes, and says, in crystal clear Dog, I want my breakfast!

 

April. Brother Mark and Dad’s birthdays. Ruth and Gabe’s. Kate’s yahrzeit on April l2th, celebrated on April 28th of the Hebrew calendar this year. My son and Seoah’s wedding anniversary. #9 this year. Passover and Easter.

An emotion filled month recognized by T.S. Eliot’s Wasteland. April is the cruelest month. Has some of that flavor for me.

How do we ever make sense of death and the awful emptiness it brings to the living? Especially when it comes as Mother Earth makes a seasonal turn toward new life. Plants shooting up from Winter’s sleep. Mule Deer Fawns and Elk Calves and Mountain Lion Kits. Bear Cubs. Baby Mark, baby Curtis, baby Ruth, baby Gabe. And Kate’s death. All together. Death and life. The Great Wheel turning, grinding as it goes.

I like the cohesion of Passover and Easter. Their twin messages confront April with powerful reassurance. Slavery of any kind diminishes, weakens the human experiment. Liberation from  the slaveries we are heir to lifts us all.

Death ends a life but it does not end life. Resurrection can heal a whole fallow season, the human heart as it emerges from mourning, the soul killing atrophy of numbness to existence.

These two ministers to the inner and outer realms complement each other. Live in tension perhaps as key representatives of different religions, but can be embraced by both and by those with none.

Religion holds these non-rational ideas, lays them alongside the daily human existence. Reminds us that bondage is not our fate; that death and rebirth are fellow travelers. Always.

 

Sports stop: Do not count your championships until they’re hatched. Or something like that. Ask Duke. Ask Houston. Both lost games they thought were theirs. Duke losing its long predicted Cooper Flag coronation as king of the teen basketball prom. Houston losing its championship in the final seconds of the final game of March Madness.

The new look of college basketball? Uncertain, but likely. Build a team of one and dones. Go for it. A coaches nightmare, I would think. Every year trying to get the one or two best players coming out of high school. Transferring others to compliment them. Play the season. Get into the playoffs. Hopefully. Rinse and repeat.

 

 

Dogs, Health, Politics, US History, Weather +Climate

It’s International Beaver Day!

Leave a comment

Spring? and the Wu Wei Moon

Monday gratefuls: Glaucoma. Dr. Repine. Eye exam. Brother Mark in Al Kharj. His Yemeni students. A big rain gonna fall, in Indiana. National Beaver Day. Shadow. The desqueaked toys. The Minneapolis Institute of Arts. Goya’s Dr. Arrieta. The Doryphoros. The Jade Mountain. Song Dynasty ceramics. Art.

Sparks of Joy and Art: Painting and sculpture

Week Kavannah: Wu Wei

One brief shining: Bought a cane, made by the Asterom family woodworkers of Ukraine; it came wrapped carefully in two parts with a nicely designed ring to cover the join between grip and the cane body where I twirled the long screw around and around until the grip fit snugly.

 

As you undoubtedly already know, it’s International Beaver Day. I had chatgpt make this special poster. Shadow, who continues to manifest her inner Beaver, celebrated by throwing her toys in the air, running around the back, and chewing extra hard on her new bone. Oh, what a day!

She continues to ignore me as her trainer. Sigh. As I said, I want her leash trained, the rest can come later after she matures a bit.

She’s bugging me right now for breakfast. Excuse me while I step away.

 

Cousin Diane sent pictures of flooding in Shelby County Indiana where my mom’s family lived and lives. Dramatic.

She also sent some video of Madison, Indiana where a driver recorded themselves driving under a gushing waterfall cascading over the highway. The driver kept saying to their passenger, “This is dangerous.”, while continuing to drive on through. Ah, Indiana.

Meanwhile on the Mountain top we’re in a warming trend. Though you never know about Snow there’s none in the forecast for the next few days. About time to see some Wildflowers, green Grass. Happy ungulates. Bears pushing the sleep out of their eyes.

I’ve already stopped throwing my garbage in the rolling bin outside, instead I now wait for every other Wednesday morning and throw it in then. Reduces by a lot possible Bear raiding. That’s a sign of a Mountain Spring.

 

Glaucoma check today. Visual field test. Eye drops. Dr. Repine and her crystal peering into my retinal nerve. A good news story for Western medicine. My glaucoma has been held at bay for over thirty years.

 

Just a moment: It’s a beautiful plan he says as stock markets all across the globe tumble down. Tariffs confuse me. But I know what economic chauvinism looks like and this is it.

On the new series Mobland on Paramount Plus. Pierce Brosnan, the head of a British crime family says, “What we want we take.” He goes on, “And if you disrespect us, I’ve got a man for that.” You can think of Tom Hardy, his enforcer, as the U.S. military.

Let the wild rumpus begin.

 

 

 

Dogs, Health, Politics, US History

A Chucky Doll Come to Life

Leave a comment

Spring and the Wu Wei Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Shadow the toy destroyer. Talmud Torah. Duke loses. Snow, enough to plow. 6″. Lodgepole Branches loaded with their white, late Snow burden. The joy of Puppies. CBE men’s group. Gaza. Ukraine. Israel.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Fresh Snow

Week Kavannah: Wu Wei

One brief shining: When early morning light breaks through the spaces left by numerous Lodgepole Branches, when the air temperature hovers at 15, when Vince has plowed the driveway, I know the Mountain Winter has once again pushed its way into the Mountain Spring, well into it.

 

A few of Shadow’s patients

Dog journal: I love my Shadow girl. She throws her toys high in the air. Prances with them, tail high. Then carefully and with toothy precision she performs another squeakectomy. Ripping and holding she reaches inside to find the air bladder, removes it.

I’m always in the observing room for these operations. I remove the plastic air bladder and throw it away before she can swallow it. She has one almost out right now. Soon.

 

Staying home more often. Since Shadow. It began with general fatigue from lack of sleep and keeping up with her needs during the day. Then, it was easier to zoom in to mussar, Torah study, use telehealth. Getting my evening meals delivered through CookUnity. The back pain played its role, too.

I have books, food, my home gym, television. Shadow’s companionship. I see many people during the week on zoom. Hardly isolated or lonely.

Even so I want to challenge staying home too much. Continue to live IRL. I need interaction with flesh and blood people. I’m already limited by rarely driving at night.

Gotta get back to Thursday mussar. Go in to the Bagel Table. Continue with breakfasts and lunches out. I admire Diane who has an active life singing in a choir, regular yoga, monthly bookclub, and close friends of many years.

Though. It may also be that I’m slowing down. Living a quieter life. If it turns out to be that, well, I’m ok with that, too.

 

Just a moment: Every time I see Trump with the Huey Newton raised fist I throw up in my mouth. This guy is a caricature, a satirical Chucky Doll of a politician come to life. He has stolen the fist of solidarity (appropriated) from the 1960’s and uses it to signal the triumph of some other part of his dastardly plot.

While Musk may have morphed into a real life Bond villain, Trump has become Snidely Whiplash. A cartoon villain without a Dudley Do Right to rein him in.

Love the British poster, done with high production values, that at first glance looks like a Tesla ad. It reads:  An autopilot for your car. And, below that. An Autocrat for your country.

Kakocracy. Kleptocracy. Oligarchy. Autocracy. All in one. See the amazing government that eats itself! You’ll be astounded. And, broke. Or deported.

Let’s pause a moment. And pray.

 

Dogs, Fourth Phase, Health, Judaism, Mussar, Shabbat, Weather +Climate

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.

Leave a comment

Spring and the Wu Wei Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Talmud Torah. CBE Men’s Group. Ritalin. Shadow. Less gnawing. The Shema. MVP. Paul. Tom. Irv. Diane. Easter. Passover. Kate, always Kate. Isaiah. Leviticus. The Mishkan. The Golden Calf. Our orange demiraja. My son’s liver. Less fatty. His long month of exercises.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The tongue that says Good Morning, Dad!

Week Kavannah: Wu Wei (yes, still)

One brief shining: It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, several inches of new white Snow, significant chill in the air (15 degrees), Shadow zooming, leaving trails of white behind her, small paw prints near the door.

 

When Kate and I returned from my son’s and Seoah’s wedding, April 16th, 2016, four feet of Snow had fallen the previous day. Four feet! That’s my mental marker that big Snows are possible here until mid-May.

We got 6 inches overnight which makes 107″ for the season. A bit less than usual so far. I think our average is around 120″.

With Mountain roads this all means the best Snow tires for Ruby. Blizzaks so far, but I may shift to a Hankook studded tire for next winter. Want to give myself the best odds possible the older I get.

 

Conversation with Ellie, palliative care nurse, led me to a decision on treatment options for my back. Going to try the steroid injections first. See what relief I get from them. If it’s not enough, or doesn’t last long, I’ll try the radio-frequency nerve ablation.

I needed some time to get past my fear of needles in my spine. I still have it, but the tradeoff of fear and reward balances toward trying rather than not trying. Still working on setting up physical therapy, which I look forward to.

 

You might be interested in my practice for ratzon this month. Ratzon means will, wish, desire, pleasure in Hebrew. At MVP we locked onto the instinctual nature of desire and the conscious choice implied in will.

Desire impels us toward some action, some theme in our life. Like ambition, love, greed, generosity, wisdom, pancakes versus eggs and bacon, get up or stay in bed. This partner or that one.

Which desire we choose to follow when we summon our will and act determines the path of our life. This rhythm never leaves us. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute we choose to act on this desire or that one, accumulating in those acts habits and trends in our lives.

My practice for this month involves looking through my acts each day to see what desires I’ve chosen to reinforce, which ones I’ve said no to.

For example. Yesterday I got up with Shadow as her gnawing became more and more insistent. I chose her needs over my desire to remain in bed. Our new habit of my sitting on the ottoman while she snuggles into me followed.

I wrote Ancientrails, a longstanding habit of over twenty years then got myself breakfast. Lox and cream cheese on crackers. A choice. While eating, I watched a TV show, let Shadow outside after she finished eating her breakfast.

I decided, for the fifth day in a row, that I would wait on the physical therapist to start exercising again. Spent the rest of the morning in Talmud Torah on Parsha Vayikra, reading the first five chapters of Leviticus and Zornberg’s commentary.

At 11 I talked to Ellie, the head palliative care nurse at Denver Hospice. We discussed the Ritalin and its effects on my fatigue, my MRI results and the treatment options.

After that Shadow and I took a long nap. When I got up, my Cookunity order had been delivered. After horsing it into the house, I put the meals in the refrigerator, finished unloading the dishwasher, and added twenty-four cans of seltzer water to the fridge’s pullout door.

And so forth. I reinforced my desire to be a good dad to Shadow. Several times. I reinforced my 2005 decision to write Ancientrails every morning. I reinforced television as a companion while eating. I reinforced Talmud Torah on Fridays before Bagel Table. I reinforced good selfcare by talking to Ellie and by taking a nap.

I did not reinforce exercise, lighting the Shabbat candles.

So. Who was I yesterday. A good dog dad. A Jew. A writer, self-explorer. A man aware of his health, though not always acting on that awareness. A man who watches television in part as a companion. A reader of fiction.

Today more choices. More desires. More chances to shape my life. Trying to figure out how wu wei fits with this approach. Later on that one.

 

Dogs, Family, Fourth Phase

Last of the Teen Age. More Shadow. Humpty-Trumpty.

Leave a comment

Spring and the Wu Wei Moon

Friday gratefuls: Shadow. Diane and her healing. Mark in Bahrain for a visa run. Talking to my son this evening/his morning. Parsha Vayikra. Dog toys. Passover. Liberation. Wu wei. Snow. Mary in K.L. (I think.) Tara. Vince. Sophia. Arjan. Namibia. Ratzon and daily actions. Rich. Ron. Jamie.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Desire

Week Kavannah: Wu wei

One brief shining: Yesterday my zoom screen lit up four different times with cousin Diane and her adventures, the Fantastic Four talking about dogs and the value of friendships, a Kabbalah Experience class focused on a New Story for Human Consciousness, and Thursday mussar with yet more on anavah, humility. Zoomed out.

 

Spoke with Ruth yesterday. Today is her 19th birthday. Last of the Teen Age. We talked. About this, the third birthday since her Dad died. About my MRI results. About her plans for today.

She said at one point, “I believe in you.” Hit me stronger than I would have imagined. Realized Kate was my I believe in you person. With her death I’ve not had that sentiment expressed from someone as close in as Ruth. If I’ve had it expressed at all. Felt good. Really good. At 78 I don’t need that kind of validation, but it sure feels fine to get it.

 

Dog journal: Shadow continues to gnaw at me. Or, at least close to me. No alarm could be better. May have hit on a way to solve her morning chewing. Just bought some dog toys that release treats as they’re played with. I’ll fill them up, take them to bed with me and when the chewing starts, I’ll toss one down to her. Might work. Right?

Once she’s trained to the leash I’m going to pause the training for a bit. She seems reluctant to take training from me. Not sure why. Might be too much for her right now. Or my No, Shadow! I want to sleep! might have made her resistant right now. The leash though is key to vet visits, trips to mussar, and beyond.

Our life has a rhythm. Much more like the doggy relationships I’m used to. Of course, she’s still a puppy, 10 months old I think, yet we’re getting much better at mutual communication.

 

Just a moment: Break the government. Break the economy. Break the norms of decency. Break the power of the courts. Can Humpty-Trumpty’s America ever get put back together again?

Make America great again? Hell, I’d settle for low normal right now.

Those elementary school teacher photos of Humpty-Trumpty holding up the tariff explainer board? Sad. Economists agree that his view of tariffs and their uses are simplistic. Gosh, that does. Not. Surprise. Me.

 

So glad I have Bond and Devick watching my investments. This turmoil Trump has created in the markets can be read as an opportunity for folks who understand. Even if I make no gains overall I know Bond and Devick will protect my corpus. Important to have that confidence.

My finances are a three-legged stool: Presbyterian pension, Social Security, and income from Kate’s rollover IRA. The first two together produce about as much as my draw from the IRA.

The rollover is the part of my portfolio subject to market fluctuations. Both the pension and social security increase from time to time. A 5% rise in my pension starts this July. Got a S.S. bump in January. I look to the rollover for a steady amount each year. Can be hard in down years, but Bond and Devick have kept it steady for over thirty years.

 

 

Dogs, Fourth Phase, Friends, Mussar

Something’s gnawing at me

Leave a comment

Spring and the Wu Wei Moon

Thursday gratefuls: MVP. Desire. Jealousy. Will. Willingness. Ron. Rich. Joanne. Marilyn. Susan. Laurie. Kaathe. Tara. Loving friends. The crescent Wu Wei Moon with Jupiter below. The Night Sky. Shadow. Ana. Clean House. CookUnity.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Cosmic Void

Week Kavannah: Wu Wei

One brief shining: Gnawing, chewing, Shadow announces the coming of early morning, still dark, still fast asleep until the grinding of wood on Dog teeth, what is that, that noise, I want to sleep, no she says, stopping only for a moment, oh fine you win and I stumble out of bed after a late night.

 

Dog journal: Yes, I have a new alarm clock. Not a welcome one at the hour she chooses. Yet I left her alone last night while I went to the synagogue and she was fine.

She doesn’t clock the lateness of the hour when I return. Doesn’t adjust her waking to my sleep deprived brain.

She’s throwing her weasel in the air, squeaking it, chewing, twisting her head and the weasel in the predator’s death grip, breaking the spine. Mine aches in sympathy.

Her life and mine, intertwined and growing closer by the day, the hour. She will not chew on the bed, the nightstand, and the baseboard forever. Thank Dog.

 

Got my ears lifted, as we used to say in Indiana. Jackie’s letting her silver sneak out of her blondeness. Just a bit in front.

Rhonda sat cross legged on her chair, eating a lollipop, and laughing at meme’s on her phone. A budding thespian cured under the hair dryer, having asked Jackie at the last minute for a twenties hair-do. With finger rolls, whatever that it is.

I’m seeing Jackie every three weeks now, keeping my hair and beard under tighter management. Plus I get to see Jackie and Rhonda every three weeks.

(The weasel squeaketh yet. Now the skunk.)

 

MVP: To get at will and desire as core to our soul and our growth, I invented an exercise. After asking folks to use their best centering techniques to get into a calm place, I offered two instructions: first, pick a time period of significance: might be a day, a month, a year, a decade. Consider what challenges, barriers, joys it presents. They had time to settle into that.

Then. Imagine you are in a white room, sitting in a chair. A long wooden table is in front of you. I’m asking you to imagine five objects on it: a pile of cash, a book and a pen, a thread, a pair of scissors, and a tiny globe.

Once you have those objects clearly in mind, pay attention to which one attracts you. After you’ve done that, as you wish come back to the room.

When every one had returned, I asked them to imagine how the object they chose might help them during the time period they selected.

One person had chosen the time period between now and high school graduation for their grandkids. Their object was the thread which they saw as connecting them to their grandkids and to their extended family.

Another had chosen retirement and the book and pen. He talked about the challenge of getting to retirement so he could once again focus on his creativity. His writing.

Surprised the hell out of me that the exercise worked so well. Everybody enjoyed the explanation of it, too. The table was a doljabi table which Koreans use on a child’s first birthday to gauge the child’s future. I wrote about this a few weeks ago.

An evening of deep, intimate conversation. I felt so good when it was done.