All posts by Charles

Family, Feelings, Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

She was joyful

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Ostara and the Moon of Mourning

Friday gratefuls: Kate. Seoah. Ruth. Important women in my life. CBE, our once and future life together. Woolly Mammoths. Snow. Once more, deep. Grief and its sad currents. Evergreen Memorial Park. Kep, who had to get up early today.

Sparks of Joy: The card from Carol Horger. “Kate brought yellow flowers to our class to remind us of joy. She was joyful.” Yes.

Mother’s Day, 2016

Life has changed, Kate gone. It’s like an unassembled puzzle with familiar pieces, yet a new picture waiting to emerge. Don’t know how long it will take to put it back together. But I’m confident. A new way of being. One informed by who I am and who Kate was and is in my heart. Lies ahead, is underway. Days pass and the reality of her absence becomes clearer, more solid. Less fear and pain, more memories and consolation.

I stood at the window yesterday, looking out over our driveway, and felt Kate watching the snow with me. She loved the mountains and watching the snow come down among the Lodgepole pines. Me, too. Her eyes and mine, one.

As I hear more about her, from so many, I wonder how I found such a remarkable woman. How she found me. The world has its ways of bringing together improbable matches. Ours was one.

Yet it fed both of us. Lifted us up, made us more than we might have been. Her whisper in my heart’s ear will not vanish. She will read my new novels as I write them. Admire my amateur paintings, encourage me to take on new challenges. Her body is gone, but her heart lives on, synching as it always has with mine.

She was my true love, the one who knew me better than I knew myself.

I miss her. I love her. I’m so happy she entered my life. Grateful.

Family, Judaism, Third Phase

Rachel’s Obituary

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Ostara and Kate’s Moon

Kate Olson has died. She was a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a pediatrician, a gardener, lover and mother of dogs, a bee keeper, a quilter, a needleworker, a master cook, and crossword puzzle completer.

She was also Rachel since her early 30’s after her conversion to Judaism at Temple Israel in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Kate died April 14th after a long illness, over three years, wore out her body.

Kate loved me (her husband) with a love that made me a better person and she told me my love for her made her a better person. No marriage can wish for more.

A tribute from a friend who got Kate right:

“She seemed fearless, walked to her own drummer and if she wanted to do something she damn well did it.”

As her long illness pushed past her body’s ability to cope, she chose to move to hospice care. Her choice. A brave one, someone said. Yes, it was brave, and yet it was typical.

I will miss her at a level and in a way no words can express. The joy she brought me will be a constant resource when times are tough. Again.

 

 

 

 

Family, Judaism

Rachel

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Ostara and Kate’s Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Kate, always Kate. The washing machine. Food from CBE. Tara last night with great Japanese. Schmira. Evergreen Mortuary. Zoom. Coffee. Rest.

Sparks of Joy: Snow and cold today. Kate’s favorite.

Kate, costumed for Purim March, 2018

 

Schmira. Folks from CBE now watch over Kate’s body in an ancient tradition that guards or watches (schmira) until burial or cremation. One at a time, 24 hours. Her soul lingers until then and needs companionship. That’s the idea. I think. Reassuring and humanizing this wait no matter the reason. Humans and religion. A wonder.

Kate was a Jew of the heart, I told Rabbi Jamie the other day. She walked into Temple Israel in Minneapolis, attended a service officiated by Rabbi Max Shapiro and “I felt at home.” She was in her thirties. This lead to a full conversion, a two year process in which she studied with Rabbi Shapiro.

When we moved to the mountains, our last great adventure together, we happened on a class, “King David”, taught by Bonnie Houghton, then a rabbinical student. At that that class, over five years ago, we met Tara and Marilyn Saltzman. They are our friends today. In fact, Tara brought food for our gathering last night.

Congregation Beth Evergreen became a locale where, for the first time, Kate could live as a Jew in her own synagogue. She became a trusted and loved friend to many.

 

Baruch Dayan Emet,

With heavy hearts, we share the sad news of Kate Olson’s passing.

Kate had been a member of Congregation Beth Evergreen since 2016, was an active member of the Mussar class, and served on the board of directors.

We extend condolences to her family. Details about arrangements are forthcoming.

 

 

 

 

 

Family, Health

Kate.

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Ostara and Kate’s Moon

Monday gratefuls: Kate.

Sparks of Joy: Kate

Oh. How can I write this? Kate is dead. She died a peaceful death at 12:20 am this morning. Her sister Sarah was with her.

Soulmate. So over used as to be a silly notion. But we were each others. Loving into each others best life. Living into each others best life.

I’m so, so sad. Tears right there. Head spinning, denying, wishing. But, knowing.

The pain in my heart throbs. I ache, for her, for our life together. I rejoice for her peace. She can breathe freely now. No more nausea or fatigue. Her weight no longer an issue.

A tribute from a friend who got Kate right:

She seemed fearless, walked to her own drummer and if she wanted to do something she damn well did it.

 

Family, Health, Plants, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, The Move, Third Phase

Tough

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Ostara and Kate’s Moon

Saturday gratefuls: Kate’s clear head, her choices. Death with dignity as an option. The Ancient Friends. Rabbi Jamie. CBE. Sleep. Kep and Rigel.

Sparks of Joy: Sarah calling the Long Term Care folks. A Golden with his head out the window of a pickup truck.

I know about true love. And, about bad love. Kate and I lived and loved into each other, saying yes. Saying of course you can. Of course we can. In bad love you hear and say no, you can’t do that. I don’t want to. Not now.

We bring out the depth of each others soul. Kate’s needle gifts, her love of Mother Earth, Flowers, Vegetables, Dogs, Fruit. Grandchildren. Sons. My writing. My love for Mother Earth, Flowers, Vegetables, Dogs, Fruit. Grandchildren. Sons. Not hidden, not wished for, but acted upon.

Supporting each other, even when the world might not agree. Have 7 Wolfhounds and two Whippets? Sure. Put in an orchard? Of course. Go around Latin America. No question. Move to Colorado? Not only that, let’s go up in the mountains. End life on your own terms? Yes, if that’s what you need.

This ancientrail of human life may have come close to an end for Kate. She wants to consider death with dignity. I imagine she’ll choose it. Does it make me scream inside? Yes. Does it make me sad? Yes. Will I support her? Yes, as in all things.

This is stark. It means a time certain, not an ambiguous, drawn out process. But, the end is the same. And, it’s coming for Kate, as it is for us all. Just sooner for her.

I cried a lot last night. Sat up with friends talking. Then, slept well. No anxiety. This is sad. Not unexpected. No details yet. It’s not decided decided. But I know Kate. Once she broached this idea, her mind was close made up.

It makes sense to me. She was told she’d have to wear the bipap at least at night from now on. She hates it. It’s intrusive, invasive, and claustrophobic. There is no hope she’ll come off of it. Also, she’s exhausted from a two and a half year struggle with first this, then that.

She’s so frail, her breathing labored, her movement restricted to bed, mostly. No magic bullet. No procedure. No medications left.

What would you do?

Family, Health

Off to rehab

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Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Friday gratefuls: Kate. Sarah. Nurses, techs, respiratory techs, Beth at case management, docs from New West. rehab. Sleep.

Sparks of Joy: A new class starting today with Rabbi Jamie. Kep and Rigel chasing the bunny all across the yard this morning. He got away.

 

 

Sarah has helped me get the Long Term Care application underway. I don’t do well on phone calls with people I can’t hear well, who expect precise quick answers to questions I didn’t understand.

Found myself saying, this isn’t my strength a lot this week. Phone calls. Putting in applications for much of anything. Assembling items like the new bedside table for Kate.

Sarah’s husband, Jerry, is the artist who painted the two large paintings that we have. He builds everything, from their house to a wine cave to a greenhouse and several interesting tables. Jon, too. Ruth, too. Me, not so much.

If you want an essay, a short story, a sermon, a novel, give me a call. If you wanna talk, have someone listen. Yeah. Provide nursing care or feed your dogs. That’s me. Organize to fight oppressive landlords, cool climate change, fund unemployment benefits. In my younger days, for sure.

Anyhow, nice to have help.

I’m dull right now. Too little sleep, even with Sarah’s aid. Too much concern about Kate. Too many trips in and out to the hospital. Too long in the saddle.

Kate probably goes to a new facility today, a rehab place that will work on her walking and on climbing stairs. I hope it helps her. After that, home with palliative care. Probably a week.

 

Family, Health

Kate. Me.

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Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Monday gratefuls: Kate. Ruth, now 15. Gabe. Jon. Sarah. Anne. BJ. The Johnson/Olson clan. A survival knife.

Sparks of Joy: Ruth in her birthday tiara. The meal she cooked.

A stand for our honey extractor. 2011.

Gonna be a short one.

In today to see Kate and her docs. Sarah stayed the night. Beginning to discuss discharge for Kate. She wants to come home, so we’ll figure out what’s necessary for that to happen.

Even with two nights sleep at home I’m knackered, pushing the edges of emotional and physical exhaustion. Something has to give for me. I need a rest.

Contradictory movements, I know. Committed to figuring out a solution. I’m no good to her if I’m running on empty.

 

Family, Great Wheel, Health, Holidays, Judaism, Myth and Story, Plants, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

Easter Morning

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Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Sunday gratefuls: Broad spectrum antibiotics. Kate’s will. Jamie Bernstein. Easter and Passover and Spring. Friends. Rabbi’s. Countryfolk. Mountains. Dogs.

Sparks of Joy: Kate’s blood cultures negative for infection. Exhaustion, but exhaustion held in the care and concern of so many others.

Kate at Mama’s Fish House

Been thinking, a lot, about the holidays: Ostara, Easter, Passover. How they hold the wonder and awe of Spring and apply it to our human lives. On Maundy Thursday (no, I never remember what that means) Kate was in severe crisis. She had a crowd of nurses, physician’s assistants, respiratory therapists, a pulmonologist. All working carefully, quickly, urgently.

I had a hushed conversation in the hallway with the physician’s assistant and Dr. Fenton, the pulmonologist, about resuscitation.  Asking hard questions. Trying to be true to the situation, to her wishes, to the possible.

She survived the crisis, her blood pressure down and her breathing more stable. She moved to the 10th floor where she could be treated with nurses who work with more complicated cases.

Her situation got better, but death still seemed as plausible as recovery. On Good Friday, her lucidity returned, she made it off the bipap (a small mask that is actually a treatment for the pneumonia, among other things), and her white cell count continued to come down.

Yesterday we found her blood borne infection was gone. Though it still needs a four to six week bout of IV antibiotics to make it sure it doesn’t resurface. She passed her swallow study so she can drink and eat. Prognosis still guarded, but less so now.

Her friend, Jamie, reported she looks good. Jamie stayed all night with her.

It’s Easter morning.

Family, Health

Kate: Friday

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Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Saturday gratefuls: Kate. Family. Friends. All the staff at Swedish that care and have cared for Kate. The valets. Ruby, working well. Being able to retreat into the mountain vastness. Jamie Bernstein who will stay tonight with Kate.

Sparks of Joy: Ruth turning 15. Ruth’s caring and her actions-taking care of the dogs and the house so I could stay overnight with Kate two nights in a row.

retirement party for Kate

Far from over. But, trending in a better direction. Kate’s infection has responded to the antibiotics, broad spectrum, powerful. Her breathing is still an issue, but Dr. Nguyen thinks it will improve.

I’m knackered right now. Spent the last two nights on the visitor’s bench in Kate’s room. She sleeps better when I’m there and that’s pretty important to recovery. Plus, I can tell what’s going on.

Lot of driving in and out, but fortunately at least some of it is always in the mountains. So, not hard duty.

Gonna end with this. See you tomorrow.

Family, Feelings, Health, Shadow Mountain

Kate, Me

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Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Thursday gratefuls:  Kate. Swedish. Infectious Disease docs. Dr. Nguyen. Jewish Family Services. Diagnostic tests. Nurses. The Mountains. Kep and Rigel. Friends and family reaching out. Sunny days.

Sparks of joy: Kate, even in her struggle. Second vaccine for me today.

Kate’s situation could take a turn, perhaps toward death, perhaps toward a somewhat better tomorrow. This infection, MSSA, could push her in either direction. If she goes to a rehab facility for the long duration IV antibiotics she requires, that might finish with her gaining some weight and having enough PT to walk on her own again. If instead she returns home with in-home health care in addition to me, I think she’s moving toward hospice care.

MSSA, in her weakened condition, and with her immune system hammered by both drugs and Sjogren’s, may prove too much for her. She is strong of will, though, and has pulled through worse in her post-bleed recovery in 2018.

Rigel

Rigel, our big girl, defeated MSSA, and has gone on to a full recovery. She was much stronger than Kate is now, however. Weird that we have it twice within the same year. Rigel’s illness was in August of last year.

How am I, you might ask? I told Marilyn Saltzman yesterday that I’m sad and joyful. I learned you can experience more than one emotion at a time, even contradictory ones. A deep and persisting sadness set in over two and a half years ago when I saw Kate begin losing weight, fighting against Sjogren’s disease. It got more profound after her bleed.

I’ve gone up and down with her health over that time, sadness a constant companion. A signal that I took her situation seriously.

Joy? Oh, yes. Often. When Rigel prances in from outside. When I write this blog. When Kate’s feeling better and we can talk, play cribbage. Each time my PSA is undetectable. When friends and family communicate. When the sun rises. When it snows. When I got my vaccine, when Kate got hers. When Trump lost the election.

Today. Sad. Waiting for news. At 6:10 pm I’ll be joyful as the second Pfizer vaccine hits my bloodstream.