Category Archives: Feelings

Family, Feelings, Great Wheel, Health, Kabbalah, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

Inner Weather: Cloudy

Leave a comment

Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Tarot. Kabbalah. CBE. Rabbi Jamie. Downton Abbey. High level schmalz. Sadness. Grief. The occasional desolation. Lymph nodes. Orgovyx, stretching itself. Rigel and her persistent communicating. Even when I don’t understand. Kate, always Kate. Ruth’s healing.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Jackie, my hair stylist, a sweetheart

Tarot: Two of Cups

 

I miss this woman. So much.

Inner weather: cloudy with a chance of tears. Using my mussar practice for the month:  what’s the context? what are the feeling(s)? how do I choose to experience them?

The immediate context includes graduating from p.t. on Monday morning, doing doggy things like nails and getting Kep’s allergy shot, getting my own hair cut, taking out the trash, getting groceries, having cancer in my left pelvic lymph nodes. And, five and a half months of grieving. Finishing up the Tarot and Kabbalah course. The imminence of the High Holidays.

What are the feelings? Sudden desolation. Mourning. Sadness. Frustration. Joy. Attaboy. Resignation.

How do I choose to experience them? The mourning, sadness, desolation. I embrace them, say yes to them. They are my psyche’s tools used to carve and paint and write a new vision for my life while honoring Kate. Visit a while. But, don’t overwhelm me. Unless, of course, you just have to.

The frustration, an outgrowth of my now 6 and a half year experience with prostate cancer, prostate cancer treatment, tests, side effects. Cut it short. It’s past oriented and unhelpful. Resignation. Resist this one. It’s a road I do not wish to travel. Acceptance? Yes. Resignation, no. Joy. Come on in, dude. Make yourself at home. Stay a while, a long while. I sure need you.

It’s been a tough week and a half. The PET scan, the bone scan, waiting on the results, the results themselves. I’m feeling vulnerable because of them, mortal. Also the strange road of the cancer that can be managed. A 2 year course of androgen deprivation therapy. Off and on for the rest of my life. Prostate cancer has become part of me, literally, and as an identifier. Oh, he’s the one with prostate cancer.

On Friday I’m going to have homemade ice cream with a friend who has ovarian cancer and is on her third recurrence. Cancer is a bastard, and still too often a homicidal bastard. A lot of progress has been made, that’s true, but not enough for the word cancer to lose its bite.

I’m achy, my body adjusting to the new med, Orgovyx. Even though I graduated from p.t. (no hat, darn it), I’ve not yet got my exercise routine back to, well, a routine. I keep scheduling things in the morning and by afternoon I’m too tired. Gotta change my scheduling practices. I’m part way there.

The first impulses to prune, to reorganize have hit a temporary seawall. Cancer, my need to exercise, feeling low. I got a lot done, a lot. There is still more to do and right now I have no energy for it. Makes sense. A lot going on physically and emotionally. Still, it frustrates me.

I want to get to a new life, a new way without Kate’s physical presence; but, I feel ground down, worn down with lots of steps between today and that new way of being. Whatever it will be.

When I took the garbage out today, recycling and trash, I felt weak. Wondered what it will be like lugging them through the snow. Then, I remembered I lost my snow plow guy and have to find a new one. Another task to add to the list.

It feels like I’m dog paddling, making a little progress with a lot of thrashing around, when what I want is the Australian crawl. Fast, crisp, leaving a wake behind.

 

Tarot: Two of Cups Druid

I continue to draw cards that focus on my anima. This one, though, may refer to the energy available when my anima and my animus work as one, focus together as lovers and creators.

I sure need this sort of energy right now. It reminds me to not follow only one inner path, watch the one the anima takes, then the animus, find where they intersect. Stay a while. Enjoy the heat and the power.

 

 

 

Family, Feelings, Hawai'i, Health, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Manage It

Leave a comment

Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Doxy.com. Telemedicine. Waiting for Kristie. Prostate cancer. Orgovyx. Pet scan results. The Mountains. The Blue Sky. The fresh Air. Sun. Oxygen. Emily and her nail clippers. Graduating from p.t. Rebecca.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mortality

Tarot: Ace of Cups (again)

 

Waiting on Kristie for a telemedicine appointment. She’ll give me my PET scan results and, I imagine, my bone density, results, too. Feels uncomfortably like sitting for a final exam. Did I study hard enough? What if she asks questions I don’t know the answer to? Oh, well. I’m as prepared now as I’ll ever be. I always was a good test taker, that might help.

Emily came by yesterday and clipped Rigel and Kepler’s nails. Rigel allowed it, sort of. Kep surprised by both of us by being skittish. He’s had a bad experience somewhere. It was good to see her again after the Hawai’i trip. When I go to Hawai’i in February(probably), I’ll use her again if she’s available.

Oh, my. Here we go.

OK. The results. Left side pelvic lymph nodes lit up. A suspicious area in the bone of the right hip. And, a doubtful reading of something in the cervical spine. That means I do have metastasized cancer. Kristie, whom I trust, says this is very treatable. We can manage this for twenty years, she said with a very confident tone of voice.

I’m a bit less sanguine since I’ve had my prostate removed, Lupron, and 35 sessions of radiation, yet here I am with an elevated PSA and cancer in my lymph nodes. Kristie says, as does Eigner, that of all the cancers, prostate cancer is one they can manage.

I want to believe and I know the truth is out there.

Taking Kep into the VRCC today for his allergy shot. Afterwards, a haircut with Jackie, whom I always like to see.

Had a sad day yesterday. Sorta outa the blue. Although waiting on my PET scan results probably figured into it. I was missing Kate, feeling lonely and isolated. Didn’t feed it, didn’t ignore it. Experienced it and the sadness dissolved.

Need to go for breakfast, get ready to take the Kepster into Lakewood. Ta for now.

 

Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Great Wheel, Holidays, Kabbalah, Mountains, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

The Year of Grieving ends in Wisdom and an Irish Wolfhound

Leave a comment

Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Sunday gratefuls: 49 degree morning. Ruth, only a strained shoulder and sprained back in a car accident with Jen. Gabe o.k. A quiet three days. Subway. Tarot. Kabbalah. The Hermit. The Magician.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth’s ok

Tarot: finishing the Life spread

 

As you may recall from yesterday, I created a new Tarot spread. Forgot to say it’s my final project in the class. We all have to show something we’ve learned. Not gonna go through the whole thing with them, too long. And, I imagine you didn’t read it through. But, I have. And, I will again.

Why? Because the tarot cards have the capacity to breach the veil of consciousness into the collective unconscious, to call out and up to awareness archetypal energies at work in my life. The only way to do it? Hardly. Poetry. Art. Friends. Kabbalah. Torah. Sacred literature. Movies. Literature. Nature. The tarot works for me much to my surprise.

#8. Samain/Binah, Three of Wands

“Keywords: Confidence, Realizing goals

Hard work begins to payoff…Realizing long term dreams and goals.” DTB

Perhaps Steiner’s springtime of the soul. A man, a farmer? an arborist?, stands with his hand on a Tree, looking out to the horizon. Beside him three wands have begun to leaf out, signaling that his work is vital, growing. A scene of future possibility. The full grown tree recalls earlier work, perhaps of another such man, now mature.

“Binah refers to the analytic, distinguishing aspects of God’s thought.

It is the uppermost feminine element in the Godhead, and is symbolized as the mother of the Shekhinah. Many of the symbols associated with Binah are therefore identical to those of the Shekhinah.” Jewish Virtual Encyclopedia

8 is infinity stood up straight.

Samain is the time when the veil grows thin and the boundary between this world and the other world is at its most permeable. Thus, Halloween, Dia de los muertos, All Saints. Coco.

The Celts chose to start their year now, at Summer’s End. The seasons between now and Ostara are Samain, Yule/Winter Solstice, and Imbolc. With Ostara these make up the first half of the Celtic year.

All this suggests that my life after Kate’s death may take a turn at Samain rather than Michaelmas. If her spirit/soul lives on (I make no assumptions.), then she will be able to communicate easily with me. I will make her an offrenda, my altar surrounding her ashes is a good start.

We’ll have a meal together, as Latin and Central Americans do in their graveyards on dia de los muertos. We’ll discuss her life and mine. She’ll have a glass of chardonnay, scallops and rare steak with fresh boiled asparagus. Finished off with some espresso, doppio, and a flan. I’ll have the rare steak, fried potatoes, and asparagus. Espresso and flan. A Paulaner Thomasbrau.

Perhaps I will achieve binah about her death and my life, discerning understanding.

#9 Yule/Tipharet  Ten of Wands

“Keywords: Demands. Burdens. Overwork.

Carrying the weight of responsibility or obligations on your shoulder…Uncomplaining acceptance of your perceived burden. Reassessing priorities and values.” DTB

“Tipharet represents the ideal balance of Justice and Mercy needed for proper running of the universe.

This Sefirah unites all the upper nine powers.” JVL

The season of Yule, midwinter. The season beginning at the Winter Solstice. I feel strong, centered, in midwinter. 40 years a Minnesotan. The winter will not be ten wands on my back, though I would say that those wands don’t look all that heavy.

The man here, who does look overburdened, has walked a long way and has now begun an uphill segment. Might be me, coming back from down the Hill and through the Valley of grief. Navigating now a new life, back up on the Mountain. It will be, could be, that the new understanding of life will have created a tension between the old ways of life with Kate and the new ways of a realized life without her physical presence. That may be the ten wands.

But tipharet is the beautiful, the balanced place between Justice, Gevurah, and Mercy/Chesed. So it may also be that the wands will have begun to balance themselves, their weight distributed well for the climb.

#10 Imbolc/Hokmah  Ten of Pentacles

“Key words: Blessings. Prosperity. Legacy

You may be in receipt of a legacy, or are creating one-either for your family or the wider community. Even difficult circumstances can carry hidden benefits. The chance to count our blessings and discover that they’re too numerous to count.” DTB

This is the last card in the spread, having now come round the full Great Wheel from Ostara to Imbolc. That it should have an Irish Wolfhound on it tells me all I need to know. The circle of Kate and mine’s life is in this card.

The woman stands in the black, out of the frame, perhaps out of this world. Perhaps in the other world. The gray headed man has a blond haired granddaughter by his side, Ruth, and a young man, perhaps Joseph over his shoulder. This represents the family left after the woman has gone into the blackness of death.

Though dead, the woman still holds a pentacle, a symbol of earth and abundance. Her presence is yet a source of comfort and grace for the family still on this side of the veil.

She is not absent from the lives of her family, just absent from Malkut, the physical realm.

This card strongly suggests to me that a full year after Kate’s death will find me, and our family, living and celebrating together, informed and supported by Kate’s legacy, her person and the wealth that she created. The spirit of the Irish Wolfhound, kind, compassionate, loving, loyal made present to all of us.

Since this is also the card for hokmah, or wisdom, I’m also inclined to believe that the year of grieving for Kate will bring to all of us a better sense of how to live our lives, both with each other and for each other.

 

Aging, Beyond the Boundaries, Cinema and Television, Family, Feelings, Great Wheel, Kabbalah, Myth and Story, Original Relation, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

I am

Leave a comment

Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Monday gratefuls: Helen Reddy. I am Woman. The Women’s movement. Cancer. Its sequelae: pet scans, orgovyx, friends reaching out, fatigue, persistence. Shortness of breath. Family. T-shirts. Living in the moment. The Day. A Day. This Day.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The voice of the 1960’s

Tarot:  Prince of Pentacles

 

Watched I am Woman. A biopic about Helen Reddy. Got drawn in by a snippet of the movie in which Tilda Cobham-Hervey sings Delta Dawn. Didn’t know that was Helen Reddy. I’ve been listening to it in my head for weeks now, since I thought about a parody featuring the Delta variant.

Not a great movie, but a good one. My anima is strong, perhaps even dominant. Movies which feature women overcoming obstacles and flourishing speak directly to me.

Many tears. Why? Well, sixties music almost always moves me, reminds me of the passion, the wonder, the promise of those magical years. Speaking truth to power. Yes. Especially when the vulnerable do the speaking.

Remembering Kate. Her determination to go to med school. The Dean who tried to turn her away because “You’re already married to a doctor.” Her determination to conquer the obstacles in her life: back pain, sexist managers, a lost voice, her final illness. A strong, smart woman. Ill-used by many of the men in her life. But always, always getting back up and going on.

Cleansing, the lacrimae. Sacred waters. Draining pain and sadness and nostalgia. Bringing me into the present after a trip through the past.

Got a lot done over the weekend. Money stuff. Pruning. Cleaning. Writing.

What is a good use of time? A key question for those raised in the success obsessed American culture. I still clip articles about improving my productivity. Why? That ancientrail, my highest potential, trapped me in a long and narrow tunnel, one I’ve struggled against, embraced, knelt down and crawled through on my hands and knees.

All those novels. Unpublished. Kate wanted me to publish before she died. All that injustice. Still there, seeming deeper and more entrenched now, after all the work. That damning number, carbon in the atmosphere. Still rising.

And then we die. Leaving behind an unjust world, a world heating up behind human endurance, creative works birthed but never raised into adulthood.

Tarot cards speaking to my anima, encouraging her, telling her to dive in, create, dance, sing-the High Priestess, the Lady, even the eight of Pentacles. Today, again, the Prince of Pentacles. That’s the patient, methodical, practical approach guy. Speaking to my animus.

Animus and anima working together, literally yin and yang, vibrating, humming, feeding each other, feeding off of each other. My neshama emerging, cheering them both.

I am Woman. I am Man. I am. Both.

Family, Feelings, Garden, Kabbalah, Plants, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

Blindfolded and Bound

Leave a comment

Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Irises in Andover, 2014

Friday gratefuls: Kate, sinking into the top Soil, nourishing the Irises. Her birthday. Now over. Seeing Mary. Jon. Ruth. Gabe. Yesterday. Mussar. Being seen and heard.  Living with cancer. Advanced. PET scan on Tuesday. Allergies waned. 45 degrees this morning.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: PET scans

Tarot:  8 of Swords, Druid

 

August, 2010, honey extraction

I needed everyone gathered on Wednesday. Kate’s birthday. The first since her death. Their presence honoring her also buoyed me up, made the day rich, meaningful, even though painful and sad. I especially appreciated the sense of joy added with the balloons and the yellow Roses. Kate’s work with simcha, joy in Hebrew, included giving yellow Roses to each participant in our mussar class.

Yesterday was a quieter day. I worked out in the a.m., took a nap, then went to mussar at CBE. Took the opportunity to tell folks about my PSA and Kate’s birthday. Being heard and seen. By folks who care. I said yes, I’m alone, but, not lonely. Living alone suits me, two thumbs up. Of course, I’d prefer if Kate were here, but, she’s not.

On the way home I stopped again at the Chicago beef food truck; it’s parked on my way home. Two hot dogs with pickle, mustard, and relish. Two chili cheese dogs. Ruth and Gabe stayed the night on Wednesday. We all love hot dogs.

Mary transferred out of the cabin Sarah rented through Air B’nB. She got a hotel downtown, ready for her first train trip to Chicago and then on to Tomah, Wisconsin to see her friend, Debbie. She’ll be in the continental U.S. for quite some time visiting relatives. BJ left yesterday morning.

Mary, Jon, Ruth, and Gabe attended a Beatle’s cover band concert at Red Rocks last night. A cool, rainy evening. I had a ticket, but chose not to go. The last two days wore me out, down. Feeling a little lost in my inner world, needed time. Not to mention the crowd and the Delta variant.

Eight of Swords: Gonna write about this in the main text. Because I resisted this one. Victimization? Sense of being trapped? No way out? The first card I’ve drawn since the Tarot/Kabbalah class began that didn’t make sense to me. I read a few interpretations, relooked at the card. Nope, not me.

Then, as I wrote. Oh, maybe.

I do not see myself as a victim. However. I do have two unyielding realities dominating my life right now: death and cancer. Both of these restrict me, bind me to themselves. And, I have no choice. Kate is dead. My cancer has returned. Trapped? Not exactly, but constrained, captured, bound? Yes.

Looking at the card, it seems to me that a dawn has begun to emerge through the trees. The woman’s bare foot, her left appears ready to take a step, a step toward the opening in the swords. A way out of the dilemma. If she touches a sword, she’ll realize she can cut her bonds. Then remove the blindfold on her own.

Both grief and serious illness have a way of cloistering us, making us self-involved, self-engaged. And often blind to the needs of others around us. Ourselves, too.

Wednesday it was hard for me to focus on others, see them. Grief clouded my heart. Under the Chesed Moon and in this month of repentance and self-examination, Elul, I’m inclined to understand, forgive myself.

Being unavailable to others is not where I want or intend to live. Yet. Scooping out Kate’s ashes, getting the date for my PET scan put me there on Wednesday and some of yesterday, too. In the late afternoon I felt the blindfold begin to slip, slip far enough that I could put my bare foot out another step, release myself from the binding by cutting them on the sword of reason.

Yes. Cancer and death. This week’s emphasis, no doubt. Yes.

My reaction to both of them is in my control. When I let myself remember that. Today I’m committed to staying conscious, aware, not letting either Kate’s death or this cancer recurrence dominate my inner world.

“A practical, patient, and methodical approach to a project may be needed. These qualities may be needed to improve your health and nutrition.” The Prince of Pentacles from yesterday. These two cards together. I see.

Both cancer and death need a practical, patient, methodical, grounded way. Allow each one the time they need. Follow through. Keep putting one foot out, then another. Cut the ties that bind, slip off the blindfold and see, really see.

Family, Feelings, Friends, Health, Kabbalah, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

Sad

Leave a comment
Kate, Glenwood Springs

Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Monday gratefuls: Swinging low. Cool morning. Kate, always Kate. Jon. Rigel and Kep. Allergies calming down. Appointment today. My future with cancer. The Ancient Ones and Love. The clan gathering in person and in spirit.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Sleep.

Tarot card: Seven of Swords, Druid Deck

 

 

A bit of darkness in my mood this morning. Allowed, I guess. Cancer on the comeback trail. A focus on Kate, her life, her loved ones. Will bring her death closer. God, I loved her. Love her. Miss her. Sadness and longing for what cannot be.

We had so many good years, so much mutual support and kindness. So many hours of gardening, cooking, dog caring, traveling this world. Enough, really. Desiring more may seem to make sense, but it doesn’t. Enough.

With cancer raising its ugly presence again I’m tempted to say the thing about my own life. Enough. And, when death arrives I’m confident I will be able to say just that. Enough. Desiring more may seem to make sense, but it doesn’t.

Singapore, 2016

Kate, my strong, noble, beautiful Kate, knew that desire was no longer hers when she said to me, “Death with dignity.” Brave. Real. True to her self and to our relationship.

No, I’m not there in any way. Not yet enough. Although I will say that what has been has been good, has been what I chose, what I needed. And, that I expect the same, living into the next few years with joy and anticipation.

Not without the occasional darkness. Darkness, my old friend, comes to visit me each Winter Solstice. A determined, long night holding me, reminding me of the time before life and the time after. So, when darkness comes into my mood, as it has this morning, I welcome it. The sinking into myself, the quietening of outside noise, a veil between my feelings and the world. Necessary, at times.

Not to say I want to stay there. No. But that I will go into myself, take my journey underground, hunt for Tiresias. Or, my Virgil. For the learning that comes from pursuing the inward and downward path, away from the sun, into the fecund night.

Finding, as I often do, that writing about my feelings changes them. Feeling now more like tackling the day, getting on with what comes next: cancer, house rejiggering, the celebration of Kate.

 

The Seven of Swords (Druid Craft Deck): “Insights. Strategy. Research. New ideas challenge old assumptions and great progress is made. Using intellect, wit, or charm to gain an advantage or recover something that has been lost..Strategic planning or research.” from the Druid Craft’s accompanying book.

Bald, gray, intensely thoughtful. Seven different swords available for his use. Working late at night as a waning crescent moon shows itself among clouds.

“Charlie, You’re a Druid!” John Ackerman, my spiritual advisor back in the mid-1980’s. I had gone deep into the Celtic world, begun to use the Great Wheel as a way of understanding life and death.

Not exactly a Druid, but a man deep into the way of the natural world, the Te of the Tao. Following a path that’s often fuzzy, mysterious, yet comforting and ever present.

I see myself in this card, willing to go into the darkness with or without illumination, to learn from it, to report back to the lit world.

Will need new ideas today at 2 pm. How to counter the cancer’s return. Yes. Making great progress? I sure hope so.

 

 

Family, Feelings, Health, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain

Changes

Leave a comment

Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Nancy and Steve. Gazpacho. Alan. Rigel, noisemaker. The back road, Columbine to Dorothy. Ruth. Diane. Fatigue? Cooking. Cooking for someone else. Tarot. Introspection. Wu wei. Te. Tao. Coyote HVAC.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mitzvah

Tarot, a three card draw: past=High Priestess, #2 Major Arcana; present=five of Wands, future=Hanged Man, #12 of the Major Arcana

 

Experienced a lift yesterday cooking. I made a meal for Steve and Nancy, took it over to them. The preparation surprised me by being joyful, grounding. The drive to their house took back roads off of Brook Forest into Mountain Valleys, past homes even further off the beaten track than mine. Delightful. Spent some time talking with them. Again, surprised myself by thanking them for the opportunity to make them a meal. “I’ve received so much love from the congregation, it feels good to give some back.”

Got ingredients for two batches of gazpacho because I want to take some to the new neighbors. They drove a Penske truck up yesterday evening and unloaded it. A semi brought a big pod, Gominni’s, but I don’t think they got started on that. Not up here very long.

A lot of new folks. People cashing out, or, like Holly and Eduardo, moving to new jobs, have created a churn. Must change the demographics because these folks pay a hefty surcharge for their Mountain fantasy, one levied by the hot, hot, hot Denver metro real estate market.

Strange to consider myself an anchor neighbor, but this year’s Winter Solstice will be seven years. I almost wrote for us. Driving to Nancy and Steve’s down Black Mountain Drive toward Evergreen images came of that first week after we got here, Kate and me gingerly navigating the curves downhill to find a restaurant. Sad recollection. It was all full of promise. Grief will have its moments.

Have not gotten back to regular energy level. Thought I would. Not sure why. Grief? Lack of exercise? Something else? If it continues, I’ll have to talk to Dr. Thompson. My sleep has been good. I’m eating well. Exercise has suffered because of my injury at Hickham. That may well be it. I’ll wait a bit until I’ve regained my former exercise level.

Coyote HVAC folks came out. They’ll give me an estimate for mini-split systems. Thanks again, Tom, and your HVAC guy. I asked for three estimates. One: the downstairs two rooms which are my bedroom and the TV/reading/writing room. Two: those two rooms plus the great room upstairs. Three: the loft. I plan to do the downstairs rooms for sure. The rest will be down to budget.

I’ve kept the windows closed for the last three or four days. Thankfully it’s been cool enough to allow that. Amazing. Little trouble with allergies while sleeping. Cements the idea of ac for the downstairs. That way I can keep the window’s closed and have not only cool air, but filtered air while I sleep. Sleep is good.

Changes. The AC. The new hearing aids. Painting the house. And, I’m going to get on the new kitchen after the celebration of Kate’s 77th. Barring medical issues I’m staying put and I want to have as congenial a space as I can afford.

 

 

 

 

Denver, Dogs, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Great Wheel, Health, Holidays, Judaism, Kabbalah, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Tarot, Weather +Climate

The Moon

Leave a comment

Lughnasa and the Moon of Chesed

Sunday gratefuls: New neighbors. Rigel, slow. Kep, eager. Workout yesterday, 20 minutes of cardio. Treadmill. Mac and Cheese. Vacuuming. Video on Akitas. Bad air. Shortness of breath, sleep.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Breath. Ruach.

Tarot: The Moon, #18 of the Major Arcana

 

 

We’re #1! Denver topped the world list of most polluted cities yesterday. Smoke. Bad. Today, also bad. A level of 172 on a scale where 300 marks the start of I can’t breathe! weather. Not a spot we cherish. Better in the Mountains, but not by a lot. Smells like a clothes closet full of worn bonfire apparel.

Not to mention pollen. High yesterday. Fun times in the Arapaho National Forest.

Makes sleeping a challenge for me. I wake up consistently in the early morning with clogged sinuses. I can unclog them with saltwater, but the effort tends to wake me up so far that I have trouble returning to sleep.

Got a glimpse of the new neighbors yesterday. They brought their mountain bikes. Then, left.

Went 20 minutes on the treadmill yesterday. My IT band and the knot over my hip have begun to loosen. Still tight, but better. I can see a return to my old exercise habits in the not too distant future. This has been a tougher recovery than I had imagined. Slow and painful.

Friday and yesterday were domestic days. Doing chores like vacuuming Kep’s hair, brushing him. Again. Still. Making Rigel flee as I came toward her with the brush. Put some more soil in the road divot after traffic pounded down the initial batch.

Attended a session on kosher rules and regs. Virtual. Rabbi Jamie. He’s kosher at home, not necessarily so out. Mordecai Kaplan suggested this. Kosher at home for Jewish tradition, flexible out so dining with others doesn’t stigmatize Judaism.

The kosher rules don’t appeal to me though the notion of conscientious eating does. Hard, though. I find my meat and potatoes Midwestern diet stubbornly persistent. Long ago I added a fruit and a vegetable at most meals, but cutting down on red meat? Not so much. And, I have the vascular disease to prove it.

Big day tomorrow. PSA time. Appointment with oncologist on the 16th. As I’ve written before, this is an important one. After that, I go for a hearing exam. Maybe new hearing aids? Also, house cleaning.

The next day Coyote HVAC comes out to give me a bid for mini-split air conditioning. As pollen and smoke interrupt my sleep, heat, too, this feels like a logical step. At least for the two downstairs rooms. Might get pricey for the rest.

Elul, which begins this evening, is the sixth month of the Jewish lunar calendar. The New Year, Rosh Hashanah, is the first day of the next month, Tishri. It gets two nights of celebration. On the tenth day of Tishri the high holidays end with Yom Kippur, the feast of atonement.

Nissan, the first month of the Jewish year, is in March-April, the beginning of Spring. But. The Jewish year number changes on Rosh Hashanah. Not sure why.

Elul is a month of preparation for repentance and atonement, the central theme of the High Holidays. Chesed, loving-kindess, matters when a period of self-examination like this comes. Especially for your own soul. Treat yourself honestly, but gently.

 

The Moon:  A path runs from the sea, past a Dog and a Wolf howling, through two Stone Monoliths, and on beyond the rise. Perhaps to the Moon itself?

The Moon in a crescent phase shows itself between two curtains of Clouds and above the Monoliths. Mountains are visible in the background. The Coast goes on for some distance beyond the Monoliths and, to the left, a Crab crawls up on land, near the path but still partly in the water.

The overall effect is mysterious, lonely, and eerie. The howling adds to it.

With the Wolf and the Dog evolution has a prominent role, ancient ancestor and modern descendant showing how close they still are. The wild does not leave us. Consider fight or flight. Fear. Peripheral vision. Vasovagal response. Lust.

Both the Sea and the Moon can be metaphors for the subconscious or the unconscious. Perhaps life emerges from the unconscious, travels the path of evolution while retaining a rootedness in the past, then passes on through the gates of death back to a post consciousness existence.

Here’s what the Druid Craft creator says about this card:

Keywords: Psychic awakening. Dreams. Deep revelation of feminine mysteries. Facing Fears. Change. Imagination. Creative work.

“A difficult emotional journey ahead. Any loneliness or confusion you feel will pass as this phase reaches its natural conclusion.”

This feels like one with those cards of last week or so, ones suggesting a time of sadness, perhaps grief, will change in this next phase of my life. The August 18th celebration of Kate’s life will, I hope, mark a change. The retreat idea for the Michaelmas time sits gently in my mind as a time to integrate and incorporate that change into a new life.

May it be so.

 

 

 

Family, Feelings, Kabbalah, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase, Travel

It Means the World To Me

Leave a comment

Lughnasa and the Lughnasa Moon

Monday gratefuls: Jon, Ruth, Gabe. The dinner they made. Their visit. Jon donating his Subaru to CPR. His management of his glucose levels and his depression. School starting for him this week. The kids in two. Kate, always. Rain. The Monsoon’s! Flank steak salad. Today.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Rigel’s indignant bark.

Tarot: The World, #21 of the Major Arcana (on the right), Druid Craft*

 

The Fates

Ancient ones in the morning. The thread that runs through our lives. Mine = curiosity. Another’s: leadership and service. Another’s: being in the experience. Anothers: being unconventional. Anothers: agency. What thread appears throughout the tapestry of your life?

Breakfast. Laundry. Nap. Jon, Ruth, and Gabe came up. They brought pasta salad, pasta with pesto, and steak. Not having to cook? Yeah. We ate a meal together. Jon and Gabe went out to remove items from the Subaru. Ruth went into the sewing room to sort out what she wants of Kate’s various quilting, sewing tools and cloth. I cleaned up the kitchen.

BJ

At 3 we all gathered round electronic rectangles to talk with Sarah and Annie in North Carolina. They were in Annie’s spacious two-bedroom apartment in a Winston-Salem assisted living spot. Annie’s been there a couple of weeks now.

We talked about the 18th, our plans as they have modified to accommodate Ruth and Gabe’s back to school day. Continental breakfast or brunch here. Cooking during the day for a meal after scattering Kate’s ashes. Family time. Collective grieving. A lesson from Judaism.

Jon and the kids left to return to their mom’s, for their week with her. The energy level in the house dropped back down to normal.

Love you all, I shouted out the door as they climbed into the Jeep gifted to them by Annie. We love you, too!

Kate in Rehab, 2018, with the quilt made for her by the Bailey Patchworkers.

The World. Stepping outside my comfort zone. See below. Grief wrenches you way outside your comfort zone, destroys it altogether for a bit. Pushes you beyond it because you have to go somewhere brand new and starkly different.

It’s almost four months now since Kate died. Funeral. Shiva. Family. Food. Anguish. Fussy administrative stuff. Picking up Kate’s ashes. Six weeks in Hawai’i. Overdoing my right leg. Coming back to a Kateless house. Settling back in. Groceries. Cooking. Jon, Ruth, Gabe. CBE. Rigel and Kep. The house.

Still moving with a bit of the slows. Not anguished anymore, but distracted. Pruning Kate’s closets, dresser, jewelry chests. Reorganizing her sewing room for Ruth and the Bailey Patchworkers. Tom’s help. Most of this accomplished from my end.

Donating to Mountain Resource Center and the consignment shop in Bailey await Marilyn’s return. August 11th. On August 13th Laurie and Jamie will come to retrieve what Ruth does not want. Ruth has already begun to move things. Still targeting the 18th, a couple of days before, as the point when all of Kate’s left behinds will be gone.

Seeing Jon and the kids pull away after a pleasant visit. Yes. P.T. still loosening up my I.T. band. A full freezer. The Tarot and Kabbalah class. Kep’s allergies resolved. Rigel eating well. House staining scheduled. The mini-split identified.

The World card suggests that I’ve passed through an initial, and difficult phase of grieving. It feels true to me. Life with Jon and the kids seems set for a smoother, loving future. The most dramatic aspects following Kate’s death have come close to resolution. Pruning. All the administrative details. Living day to day without her physical presence. Taking charge of my own, independent life.

“Right now you can rest in having achieved closure and the lessons you needed from this phase of your life.” Not sure I’d go quite this far. Closure has always been a suspect idea. I don’t want closure with Kate’s death. I want integration of my life with her and my life without her. Learning the initial lessons of grief? Yes, I believe I have.

Leaving for Hawaii

And, yes, there is a sense of satisfaction. I’ve not gone crazy, nor has despair put me down. But. I did not achieve these things alone, far, far from it. One of the lessons learned is the necessity of beloved community to weather hard times. So evident. Another lesson. Keep moving. Another. Keep Kate close. Always. Another. Work at transforming yourself and the relationships you have with others.

And more, I’m sure. These are the ones evident right now.

Yes. I’ll admit. I feel good about the months since Kate died. Not because they have been easy, but, to paraphrase JFK: because they have been hard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*”This represents a moment to acknowledge the hard work that got you where you are now. Along with this achievement is a sense of deep satisfaction.

Right now you can rest in having achieved closure and the lessons you needed from this phase of your life.

In a practical sense, the World can suggest pushing yourself to explore the world with confidence —especially if you have issues stepping out of your comfort zone. It can hint at adventures found traveling or overseas.” tarotluv

 

 

 

Family, Feelings, Friends, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Third Phase

Besties

Leave a comment

Summer and the Lughnasa Moon

Monday gratefuls: Ruth. What a sweetheart. Gabe and his puzzles. Jon. Rigel and Kep. The three of swords. Rain, hail. A cool wind and a cool night. Good sleep. Rebecca and p.t. Pruning. Facing front. Kate, always Kate.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth

Tarot card: Three of Swords

 

The Ancient ones. The best decisions in our lives. Easy top two: Kate and Joseph. No doubt. Kate for love, for mutuality/intimacy, for discovering the best selves of two injured souls. Joseph for love, for nurturing, for satisfaction of a need to parent, for his wonderful life.

After that came one you might not consider. I decided early on with Kate’s illness that I would do for her what she could not do for herself. And, that I would greet each task with yes in my heart, with love. The depth of that decision was, I think, clear to me at the time. It was a choice to live that part of our lives primarily for her.

The fourth best decision, at least as I ordered them yesterday, was our mutual decision to move to Colorado. We did it to be part of Ruth and Gabe’s life in a meaningful way and to have an adventure in the Rocky Mountains. In unexpected ways, like through the long arc of the divorce and through Kate’s illness, we realized both dreams.

Black Mountain

If you find this idea intriguing, you can help research on big decisions by looking at this website: The Ten Biggest Decisions.

After the Ancient ones (9 am Sunday mornings for me), I worked on pruning. Got almost all of Kate’s jewelry gathered together for Ruth to go through. Did a bit more work in the sewing room, dividing things between the Patchworkers and Ruth. She’ll go through both over the next couple of days, decide what she wants. The rest will go to others: the Patchworkers, Mountain Resource Center, and a consignment shop in Bailey.

In Korea, as Seoah told me, the equivalent is taking the deceased’s clothing and other belongings outside and burning them. I understand this. There is a need to purge the personal items like clothing, jewelry, hobby material. They carry an emotional weight, for some survivors heavy, for some not so much, but there nonetheless. Donating them, burning them. Both honor the significance of the deceased and their choices about what mattered to them in the realm of the very personal.

Later, Ruth and Gabe, Jon, came up. Around 7 pm. Ruth and Gabe will stay today and tomorrow. Ruth has work to do, figuring what she wants as her legacy from her grandma. Gabe, not so much that, but he loves being up here with the dogs and his Grandpop.

I spent a half-hour or so with Ruth, catching up, figuring things out with her for today.

The Three of Swords. Not a happy card. How could it be? A heart pierced with by three sharp blades, rain, and storm clouds. This from Labyrinthos: “This card comes at a time when you need to prepare yourself for this next stage in life. While the grief may be extremely hurtful, it enables you to forget your past and focus on your future knowing that you have control of what actions you take afterwards.”

You might imagine, given Kate’s death, that this card reflects turmoil in my life as a result. Nope. Just not where I am with my grief. I’m in a solid place, integrating Kate into my life without her presence. Working at tasks that move my life forward without regret or shame. I feel good there.

No, this card represents the family member I mentioned earlier. “A harder day yesterday later. A family member and I got crosswise. Yet again. Disturbed me before I got to sleep. Will have to get more clarity about this. Say my piece. Not let it drag me down, too.” This was Saturday.

My upset after the anger this person let out troubled me. A lot. Got in the way of my sleep, left me restless in my heart. I decided to face front with it and scheduled a lunch where I said we would have “…a serious talk.”

This is not easy for me. Something I’d rather avoid, but circumstances demand that I lean into the pain. Some resolution is necessary for life here on Shadow Mountain to retain one of its primary purposes. Wish I could be more specific, but I can’t.