Category Archives: Shadow Mountain

Cooking, Fourth Phase, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

A Permanent Hall Pass

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Our winter in spring continues with a white blanket of snow and freezing temps. Weird. But nice. Warming toward the end of the week.

Melissa came. I took a two hour nap so she cooked and did laundry. We’ll get to the decluttering on Friday. Pleased with her. Her food makes life better for me.

I continue to coast on a plateau, feeling much better than the last four weeks, yet not seeing gains beyond that. My referrals for in-home p.t. and o.t. have not been acted  on. Eventually. That’s when I expect further progress.

Included now among Dopy Don’s presidential perks: a permanent hall pass from the I.R.S. Allows the holder to have no peaking at their returns. Why would an honest taxpayer need this? Exactly.

The fleecing of the USA. Courtesy of, your President.

Fourth Phase, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

Moderate Risk

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Another good night’s sleep. Cold air through my open window. A Kate star quilt covering my electric blanket. Shadow curled up by my head. Dreams.

Only problem. Still tired when I get up. Wonder if my treatment induced anemia has gotten worse.

Melissa comes today. We (well, really, she) will prepare the bedroom so the mini fridge is ready for the microwave that comes Saturday. If there’s time, we’ll begin decluttering this space.

Snow again yesterday. Smoky the Bear, Tom reported, points to moderate fire risk. Much better. Thank you, May winter.

 

Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Politics, Shadow Mountain, US History

UFC Freedom 250

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May winter. 35 degrees this am. Rain. A chilly, somewhat wet week ahead. A delight with cool nights. As if May knew what we’d missed and decided to make up for winter’s puny showing.

My good friend Tom’s visit is over today. Back to Minnesota. When he comes, we talk of matters both profound and humorous. Tom and I have been Woollies for the same amount of time, ritually welcomed together at Valhelga. Old friends.

He remarked yesterday on the strong bonds Kate and I formed with others at Congregation Beth Evergreen. Moving the fridge. Alan’s cinnamon rolls. Tara’s visits with Eleanor. Ginny and Janice including me in their family. Rich. Jamie. Part Judaism. Part the folks we got close to.

Thinking over my fall. Believe I might have briefly passed out from the hypotension. Probably triggered the fall. I’ve made modifications including sitting on the edge of the bed before I get up. Helps.

I’m at another hinge point. I need some p.t., some other help or I’m on a downward slope. The actinium trial is my last stand. If it doesn’t produce good results, I don’t imagine I’ll sign up for any more treatments. Too tired. Too weary of the fuss and bother. I suppose hospice would make sense then.

This trial is far from over. I’ve had one treatment out of eight. No telling results till number 4 or so. It may yet yield lowering of my PSA and my tumor burden. We’ll see.

This is, for me at least, not bad news. I accept where I am, what the situation is. No life goes on forever.

An NYT journalist went to four Chinese cities during the recent Trump visit and asked residents what they thought of Dopy Don. “Brutal” and “Unfriendly” lead their answers. I read this article, then turned on my TV to a Paramount ad for a major UFC event. Clips featured MMA fighters kicking each other in the head, punching and grappling. UFC Freedom 250. Location? The Whitehouse! June 14th.

Brutal. Unfriendly. Not to mention embarrassing.

Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain

Here and Now

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Sleeping and visiting. A quick note to say: still here.

Tom’s visit has been as always heartfelt and intimate. Ancient Brothers this morning on the feminine. Also heartfelt and intimate.

More tired than usual.

Marilyn Saltzman’s grandson, Deion, and his friend Eric, moved my dorm fridge from the loft to my bedroom. Ordered a microwave. Reduce trips up the stairs.

 

Cooking, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain

A Day

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Melissa came yesterday. She made shrimp corn chowder, grilled beef ribs (from her grill), breakfast burritos, a blueberry and a strawberry parfait, and carne asada with potatoes and veggies. In addition to other chores like moving the trash into the garage (bears).

She has a mini-Cooper convertible. Driving it with the top down is one of her favorite things.

Sue Bradshaw called, following up on our telehealth visit. She’s taking conscientious care of me. Offered to bring a bread basket by.

Last night got up for the bathroom. Felt light headed. Tripped on my shoes getting back into bed. A small cut and large bruise on my forearm. Fell onto the bed, but scraped my arm on my nightstand.

One of the downsides of living alone. Tough to clean and bandage something with one hand.

Beautiful spring weather up here on Shadow Morning. Sunny, low seventies, trees leafing out.

I am feeling gradually better. To get much further I need some p.t. Soon.

Well, it’s a sunny day in the neighborhood and my good friend Tom is in town. Looking forward to spending time with him.

Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain, Writing

Dopy Don

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Good Morning, Ancientrails! (think Robin Williams)

My new normal: limited movement, O2 more often. Weak and tired. Not a happy place. Yet. It represents part of the slow recovery from the difficulties of the last month.

I hope some p.t. will increase my stamina and strength. Any improvement would be welcome.

Irv and Marilyn, Selam and Mocha came for lunch yesterday. Mocha and Shadow played during our meal. Selam is Irv and Marilyn’s granddaughter. 16.

They brought baked salmon, Saltzman Caesar salad, and an Irv baked apple pie. His grandma’s recipe.

Shadow shows a sweet level of concern, coming close to me in bed, her brown eyes focused on mine. What a gift.

Bad sleep last night. Hope to catch up this morning. At least some.

Saw Trump slouched in a Beijing banquet chair looking every year of his age. Sleepy Joe and Dopy Don. Can’t believe he represents us. China may see itself as the dominant power while we try to figure out what happened.

You, my friends, get me up in the morning. Thank you.

Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Judaism, Shadow Mountain

Enough

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Monday gratefuls: The Ancient Brothers. Safety. May. Spring. The beauty of the Lodgepoles. The Aspens leafing out. BJ and Pammy.

Rene Good and Alex Pretti. Say their names,

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mac and cheese

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: I pull out mac and cheese. Plate it and warm it. Perhaps a frittata instead. No? A drumstick, blueberries and strawberries. Maybe. Having a refrigerator stocked with ready to eat food. Melissa, my visiting angel.

 

Visiting Angels. A palliative care nurse. A social worker. Melissa. Maddie. Used to be Rachel. My home team. They care about me and I appreciate it.

My friends at CBE. Visiting me. Giving me rides. Ruth coming up to cook for me. Tom and Paul’s visits. I’m a lucky guy. Family coming. Mary. Mark. Joe and Seoah. Ginny and Janice, chosen family.

Alone, but not lonely.

It may be, probably is, that these relationships are my purpose now. Staying in touch. Visits. Zoom calls. Enlivening and being enlivened. Seeing and being seen.

Perhaps this has always been true. I-Thou over the I-Its of career, striving.

Yes. If I-Thou extends to the wild realms, to dogs and cats, to the wonder of the light-eaters, then I say yes. More than skill. More than income. More than knowledge. More than status or power.

The simple, everyday magic of loving and being loved. A hug. A gift of a smile, a kind glance. The warmth of another’s hand. Bedrock for all of life.

 

 

Cooking, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Trending

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Friday gratefuls: Mac and cheese. Melissa. Her hard work. Lunch. Better sleep. Reading. Emergence. Lodgepoles.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Moon

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: A healthy helping of homemade mac and cheese. Strawberries and blueberries. Lunch made by Melissa. Food improved. A lot. One piece of the returning to better health puzzle. Sleep another. Plus, as Kate said, the tincture of time.

 

Yes, I’m feeling better. No longer whacked out. Gut calm. Decent sleep. A start. Feels good to not feel bad.

The path to peak health in the fourth phase can be tricky. Quiet this ailment. Treat the cancer. Deal with muscle and stamina loss.

I’m far from it. The most recent insult has taken a positive turn. Trending in the right direction.

Melissa has taken a lot of pressure off me. Laundry. Dishes. Making food. Prepping the guest room. Trash. Picking up and putting away groceries. Getting the mail. Glad both she and Visiting Angels are in my life.

Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain, Writing

Visits

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Friday gratefuls: Cold chicken. Asian dumplings. Mac and cheese. Paul, Sarah, Kate, Michael. The tire. Snow.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Friends from away

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Sarah came. Fourteen years since I saw her last. When she and Paul moved to Maine all those years ago. A delight. Kate and Michael, their young energy, committed. Targeted. Paul, my friend. Calling time on the visit. Next stop the Train Museum in Golden. For Max, the train obsessed.

 

Their visit came and went too fast. Politics. Women’s fractured bodily autonomy. By red or blue. The sweetness of old friends with whom fourteen years don’t matter. Right back where we were. Paul and I see each other more often, much more. These are friendships of long, long standing. Precious.

Kate did not get a chance to ask her question. What’s everybody reading? Always a fruitful one. I’ve picked this up from her. Next time.

Michael mentioned the Sherpa Restaurant in Boulder. Run by actual Himalayan sherpas. One of the film company principles–Michael works for a documentary filmmaker–had recently come back from Everest. One of the sherpas he had worked with on Everest was at work in the cafe.

Visits affirm the visitor and the visited. You are both worth the effort of seeing and being seen. No small thang.

Sleep less good last night. Though. No longer falling asleep when I write as I did not so long ago. Body still quiet. Regular food. Healing.

A main issue now: detraining. Major muscle loss. Not sure how or when or whether to address this. Will become more front of mind.

Had a kind note from Allison Theil. A fellow docent from the class of 2005. She says she reads Ancientrails everyday. Allison was/is a good friend. Buoys me up to hear from readers.

 

 

Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain

Seeing Past Illness

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Shadow. Paul, Sarah, Kate. Snow. Cool nights. Dr. Josy. Melissa. Sleep. Food. This nation. Our lives in it.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Fruit

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: As sleep has improved, as my diet has gotten more varied, I can feel definite progress. My body feels better. Yet this journey has taken a lot out of me and full recovery will, I imagine, take months. Rehab, movement. More of each. Staying with sleep and diet.

 

I’ve been house bound for a while. Medical appointments the only exception. I can see how being a shut-in (not quite me, yet for the last few weeks…) might cripple a life. Unless friends and family visit, there’s no frisson, no healthy friction between my life and the lives of others.

Why get dressed? Shower? Follow a routine of rising and sitting down, sitting down and rising. Bed to chair to fridge to chair. Of course I have my zoom calls, friends and grandkids visiting. Melissa twice a week. I’m not all the way down that rabbit hole, but its existence looms closer now.

I pride myself on resilience. Take the hits. Timex. Keep on ticking. When my body kept signaling distress, when sleep seemed faraway, I found myself shrinking, diminished to a janky physical platform and an I can’t see beyond this mess version of my self.

With sleep and good food, as my body has quieted, I’ve begun to see past my illness induced narcissism. I can be grateful, very grateful, for the kindness and love I’ve experienced. Tara and Eleanor. Ginny, Janice, Annie, Luna. Melissa. Ruth. An old man, especially when ill, needs folks who see where he is. Ruth comes at least once a month, cooks for me, tells me, “You’re not old, you’re wise.” Bless her pea-pickin’ heart.

Time for breakfast. Melissa made frittatas.