Category Archives: Aging

Aging, Cooking, Family, Feelings, GeekWorld, Health, Memories, Myth and Story, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

Wandering. Bored. That’s me.

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Fall and the Full Sukkot Moon

Made shawarma yesterday. Not bad. Used both my cast iron skillet and the instapot. Seared the chuck roast in the pan, deglazed and put it all in the instapot. An hour or so later, done. This is a favorite food for me, so I’ll work to perfect this. Also made tabbouleh and bought some hummus. A real Middle Eastern meal. Put some of the leftover meat in the borscht I made for Kate a week or so ago.

Kate, a much better cook than I am, backs me up, gives me the benefit of her knowledge. On Friday, for example, I wanted to make french toast from a baguette that had dried up. It had to be easy, I imagined, but I still didn’t know how. Instead of using a cook book I asked Kate. Vanilla in a beaten egg, coat the bread, fry them. Cinnamon and sugar on them while they’re cooking. And it was so.

Both of us have less of an appetite in the evenings so I made this meal for late lunch, Sunday dinner.

Still bored. I guess that’s the feeling. Don’t wanna do this. Don’t wanna do that. Wandering around. Tried the chain saw, get started on fire mitigation, Round II. Starter rope won’t pull. Guess I really fixed it when I took it apart and put it back together. Going to the chain saw e.r. today.

Had some success yesterday with wu wei. When I cooked, I cooked. When I ate, I ate. When I painted, I painted. But I got back to wandering around. Felt like I was waiting for Godot.

In that mood I decided to mess around with my webhost. They’re the folks that provide a server and security for Ancientrails. Got right in there and changed my PHP settings, then added SSL. Closed out AncientrailsGreatWheel and CharlesBuckmanEllis. Don’t use them, no need to pay for them.

Felt good about all that. Clicked on Ancientrails to see if things had changed. Ah, they’d changed. Ancientrails had disappeared! OMG. So I messed around a bit more. No joy.

Knew that this was not a matter to settle while I was tired, so I waited until this morning. It was baaaaccckk. Why? I don’t know. But, I’m glad.

Still not able to load images. Gotta get on that in a more disciplined way.

This whole year plus, since last September 28th, has been a transitional time for both of us. At first the transition focused on Kate’s health, especially her malnutrition and her bleed. Then, while in for her pneumothorax in April, a pulmonologist thought he saw lung disease. That got added to the cart.

In February, I had the flu and my annual physical. PSA 1.0. Too sick to recognize it for what it was. But you know what happened when I tumbled to it. Radiation, lupron. Ongoing. Last month I went in to see Lisa about some tightness in my lungs. COPD. Oh, damn.

The transition has forced us both to acknowledge that our lifespans are probably not as long as we imagined. Sobering. But, o.k. They were limited to begin with. Death is not an optional experience. Or, as an Arab saying goes, Life is an inn with two doors.

The wandering and the boredom, I think, comes in here. A month ago I was imagining beating prostate cancer and living into my 90’s. Now? Not so sure. What does that mean? A foreshortened life span? Maybe. And what would that mean? That’s where my ikigai got lost, I think. Unclear how to live into this reality.

So, wandering and bored it is. Except when I engage. You know cooking, shopping, doctor appointments, fire mitigation. Getting the new Rav4 repaired. At some point a new direction will emerge. Perhaps it will simply be what I’m currently doing, but I don’t think so. Just don’t know.

Aging, Health, Judaism, Mountains, Shadow Mountain

Ikigai gone

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Fall and the Full Sukkot Moon

Each morning Orion is a bit further to the west, hunting must be better on the other side of Black Mountain. That’s where he’s headed. This morning the full Sukkot moon lit his search for game, hanging in the west over the northern most peak of Black Mountain. Seeing Orion, Cygnus, Draco in the early morning sky makes me joyful. Visiting old friends each time I go out for the newspaper. A reminder of how non-earthcentric our galaxy and the universe are.

Trying to reach down inside, find an ikigai. Hard right now. My usual pattern of working daily on a novel or the garden or fire mitigation has disappeared. Not been seen for months. Yes, I get Ancientrails done each day, and I’m glad for that, grateful I have the early morning time.

Rabbi Jamie talked about loneliness in his erev Rosh Hashanah sermon. Embrace it, David Whyte counsels. Lean into it. What I’m experiencing is not the same as feeling alone, lonely, but I sense I’d do well to lean into this defocused state. It’s similar to loneliness in that it involves distance, but in this case I’m not feeling distance from others, but distance from a self I’d come to appreciate.

I’ve chosen, so far, to feel uncomfortable about this. Why aren’t I getting anything done? Why has my writing stopped? It’s not like I don’t have time, I do. But when I have time I could use, I wander around, not sure what comes next. Sometimes I paint. Sometimes I read articles on the web. Sometimes I read a little. Could read a lot more. I say I want to.

What if instead I decided to go with the schedule I have rather than the one I want or think I need? What Self would emerge then? Taking the pressure off to be something, someone else? That would be the wu wei move. Let life be. Flow with it, don’t force it.

My old Tao Te Ching teacher, I took a series of online Taoism classes several years ago, says forcing things is a Westerner’s style. When I read that, I thought of my choosing to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them. Guess I’m a Westerner.

Actually, I’m more bi-cultural. Strong forcing, yes, but also a willingness to let things take their course, to emerge, to flow with them. Right now feels like a wu wei moment. Perhaps for a good while.

Aging, Family, Health

Seeing Dr. Guber

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Fall and the Sukkot Moon

Kate had a much better day yesterday. She decided to conserve her strength for the appointment today so we missed Yom Kippur. The parking at CBE gets problematic on the High Holidays and walking much distance creates breathing difficulties for Kate.

On to Harvard this morning. Harvard Avenue that is. Denver has a small cluster of streets with names like Yale, Vassar, Bates, Cornell, Dartmouth. In or near them is Denver University and Iliff Methodist Seminary. Also, Porter Adventist Hospital and its campus with the offiices of Dr. Gruber, the cardio-thoracic surgeon.

Kate’s seeing him for a consult on the lung biopsy and assessing the new nodule found on her lungs. The lung biopsy involves taking many small samples of cells from her lung tissue. Diagnosing what kind of interstitial lung disease she has depends on the relative amount of scarring (not treatable) and inflammation (treatable). It also allows pathology to look at the specific types of cells.

Once diagnosed she can get treatment and a prognosis. The problems? Well, taking the samples collapses the lung. This means a chest tube to reinflate it. The chest tube is painful even after the anesthetic wears off. There is also the risk of pneumonia and/or ending up on a ventilator.

Here are some positives. Kate’s in much better physical shape overall than back in May when Ed Smith put the feeding tube in. She’s had a prednisone burst which improved her breathing and made her feel better.

Then there’s that new nodule. Will require a biopsy, too. How to do it? That and whether she’s fit for a lung biopsy is the purpose of this consultation.

Just to add a bit of interest the temps dropped wildly from yesterday. And there’s snow! 15 degrees right now.

Aging, Faith and Spirituality, Family, Health, Holidays, Judaism, Myth and Story, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

Days of Awe

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Fall and the Yom Kippur Moon

Vectors by Vecteezy

This is a day of fasting, prayer, and repentance for Jews in all places. Yom Kippur. The holiest day of the year, one when the soul is bare before the Self and all creation. Asking and seeking forgiveness. Putting in the past wherever you fell short. Cleansing for the year ahead. The Day of Atonement.

Kate and I will probably go to services this morning though we missed Kol Nidre last night. She wasn’t feeling good.

It’s been a tough week or so. Again. Her feeding tube has been giving her fits. Leaking. Since it’s now her primary source of nutrition, any hassle with it is significant. And, her shortness of breath seems to be worsening.

We see a cardiac-thoracic surgeon tomorrow morning to plan both her lung biopsy (which she dreads, understandably) and how to assess the new nodule that was found during her last c.t. Not a pleasant prospect, either one.

I’m dog paddling these days, trying to keep my head dry. I work out, cook, shop, do the laundry, dabble with gouache. This doesn’t sound like much, I know, but in the times between these activities I have no motivation. Frustrates me a bit since I have other things I want to get to: fire mitigation, revising Superior Wolf, starting a new novel, getting back to sumi-e, going to classes at Beth Evergreen. Some day soon.

Aging, Dogs, Family, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate, Woolly Mammoths
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Fall and the Rosh Hashanah Moon

Kep in the loft
Gertie

Worked out yesterday. Was sleeping really well, really well. Until. Cold noses in my face. Yes, Kep. Yes, Gertie. A yip from Gertie. Kep jumps up on my legs. OK, OK, give me a minute. Forces head back onto pillow, hopes the dogs will disappear for about fifteen minutes. Nope. All right, all right, I’m getting up. Geez. 4:30. Right on time, but no slack for a tired dad.

Rigel, “Who, me?”

Kate had a dentist appointment in the morning. We took Gertie and Rigel with us since it’s cooling down up here. I drive because her ability to walk very far has diminished. I can put the car as close as possible to the entrance. She came out with brighty whities.

requires moving 5 tons of river rock. 10,000 pounds.

We’re scheduled for an absurd temperature drop on Thursday along with some snow. Hope the cold and snow calm down the extreme fire conditions we’ve had for the last month or so.

The CBE Mitzvah committee may help with my fire mitigation. My energy level for doing it is low. My desire to get it done is high. Susan convinced me that she might find some folks willing to help in some way. Here’s my e-mail to her after we talked:

Susan,

How I feel most days.

I needed your directness. It’s tough for me to ask for any help, ever. I know, I know, I’m a guy. Partly that. Partly, too, I want to do as much as I can as long as I can. It’s about love.

I promise when I wear out, before I wear out, I’ll give you a call. Right now I’m really fine. Except for that fire mitigation stuff.

It has surprised me how much having people out there that care matters. As you say, just knowing that is so much.

I’m pretty self-reliant, one of those blessing and curse sorta things, but I’ve always needed friends and community. Beth Evergreen is both. And, more.

So, gratitude to you, to your committee, to the ancient path that breeds such caring folks. We’re in this together and that makes all the difference. Really, not rhetoric.

Aging, Cooking, Family, Feelings, Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

Hmmm

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Fall and the Rosh Hashanah Moon

A culinary Saturday. With a few oddities.

Invited Jon and the grandkids up for a High Holiday meal of brisket. I bought a brisket, two actually, at Safeway. Brought them home, froze one, put the other in the fridge for the meal. Looked up a holiday brisket recipe. Found one for the Instapot. Chopped the onions, salted the brisket, added the tomatoes. Put it in for 65 minutes. Got it out. The meat was tender. Looked good. The jus in the pot also smelled wonderful.

Kate came by and looked at it. That’s corned beef, isn’t it? Oh, boy. Category mistake. I had bought, technically, a brisket. But, well… Anyhow I’d also picked up a white cabbage for the borscht I wanted to make for Kate. It only required a quarter of the head. I cut up the rest, threw it in boiling water and, voilá, corned beef and cabbage! The meal included baked potatoes, not normally part of this actually Jewish, too, dinner, but they fit well with the original brisket plan.

Everyone said it tasted good even though the menu got altered in a strange way.

Made mine with golden beets, too.

I did make the borscht, too. That was all day in either the grocery store or the kitchen. Tired.

Jon and the kids were late. Very. When Jon came in the door, I’d just gotten off the phone, the dogs were sending up their usual storm of barks for visitors. I came into the living room. Jon, I gotta tell you, I’m pissed. Oops. Not in front of the grandkids, Charlie. Too late, outta the mouth.

OK. I’ll try to remember this.

I wanted to talk to him about his chronic lateness, explain that it upset me, see how we could change the settings. Kate suggested this after I fumed when they were almost an hour late. She was right. Didn’t intend (mostly, anyhow) to do in that manner.

Apologized to Jon, Ruth, and Gabe. Not for what I said, but for when and how I said it.

Family. Not always easy.

Aging, Family, Health, Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

Yet More

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Fall and the Rosh Hashanah Moon

Piling on. Saw Dr. Gidday yesterday. Follow up on the c.t. scan from Monday. A new nodule on Kate’s lung. Will have to be assessed for malignancy. Dr. Gidday also prescribed a burst of steroids to possibly help with her shortness of breath. Since we have no diagnosis for her interstitial lung disease this is what physicians call an empirical treatment. Basically, making an educated guess.

Kate reluctantly agreed to a lung biopsy, a procedure that will be both painful and dangerous, but is the only way to definitively diagnosis which of two basic types of interstitial lung disease she has. The treatments for the two types are very different, and a pathology defined diagnosis is the only way to know the difference.

We got the name of a cardiac-thoracic surgeon whom Dr. Gidday trusts. The biopsy will happen sometime in the near future. Kate’s new pulmonologist, whom she likes, is unavailable, off for two weeks. He’s at National Jewish, the U.S. hospital for respiratory disease.

A lot. More than we need right now, but this stuff doesn’t honor fatigue or worry. It just keeps coming. Kate’s done well, keeping her spirits up mostly, but a steady stream of new matters to consider makes that difficult.

I’m doing well. Did a six-minute walking distance test (self-administered) yesterday. Walked as far a healthy person my age, something like 1580 feet. Means my exercise capacity is still in the normal range. That’s a good sign for life-expectancy with COPD. I’ll take any good signs I can get right now.

Aging, Commentary on Religion, Faith and Spirituality, Family, Garden, Great Wheel, Holidays, Jefferson County, Judaism, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

Days of Awe

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Fall and the Rosh Hashanah Moon

Here we are, paused between the New Year and the Day of Atonement. The book of life is open, waiting for your next year to be inscribed. This is a new liminal space for me. A holiday(s) in which repentance and forgiveness are the focus, both at the beginning of the new year. It’s location in the early fall (a lunar calendar) makes it a part of the Michaelmas springtime of the year and part of the harvest festivals that end with Samain on the 31st.

Sukkot follows the Days of Awe, coming three days later. Rabbi Jamie says that Sukkot used to be the primary festival at this time of year with the Days of Awe sort of a preparation for it. Sukkot is the big harvest festival in the Jewish liturgical year. It’s fun, ending with Simchat Torah. “Sukkot through Simchat Torah is nine days long. The first two days (Sukkot) and the last two days (Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah) are full-fledged festival days, and the middle five days are Chol Hamoed.” chabad.org

The Jewish month of Tishrei is a holiday filled time for Jews. And, they vibrate between profundity and joy. This feels congruent with the turning of the Great Wheel which has three harvest festivals over the same time period. The middle one, Mabon, on the fall equinox, is a celebratory time followed by Samain, the end of summer when the veil between the worlds thins and the dead can walk among us. (where all the goblins and ghosts and ghouls come from at Halloween)

At least in the temperate latitudes temperatures begin to cool, leaves change on deciduous trees. Farmers and gardeners harvest fruits, vegetables, grains, nuts, then prepare gardens and fields for the fallow season. The days grow shorter, frosts and freezes mark, then kill many plants. The bare trees give forests a stark look. A friend was of the opinion that the thinning of the veil came from being suddenly able to see through forests.

Kate and I need all of the spiritual juice available right now and these two holiday traditions, Jewish and pagan, fill that need.

Aging, Family, Health

Another E.R. Visit

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Fall and the Rosh Hashanah Moon

One more trip to the E.R. Well, after a no-good, pretty bad Monday, described below, we got home around 6 pm. Both tired. Both hoping things would just magically get better.

They didn’t. When Kate went to bed, the feeding tube that is her main source of nourishment popped out. The nurse at the E.R. said, “It happens.” Kate, being Kate, inserted a #16 Foley into the ostomy, the hole in her gut, and inflated its small balloon with ten ml of water. The Foley plugged the hole, but didn’t serve well for her nighttime feeding.

Kate said this day sucked. Yes, indeed it did.

She had to have a new feeding tube, right away, because that’s how she gets the bulk of her nutrition and calories. Our primary care folks said, “Call the surgeon.” She did. Ed Smith, a solo practitioner, no spring chicken himself, was out getting a total knee replacement.

The E.R. was the next best place. So down the hill we went. New feeding tube number 1, but following up with them on the shortness of breath, number 2.

Dr. Stader, a helluva nice guy, took over. What is that? A 16? Yes. Kate had handed him the defenestrated feeding tube. The feeding tube and the Foley both have a small balloon attached to the end of the tube. It’s inflated by using a syringe to push water into it. See pic. The yellow capped port is where the water goes in.

Getting the new tube in was easy. They had to inflate it a bit more after the first try, but it worked fine last night. Yes, in a first, our fourth trip to the E.R. did not result in a hospitalization.

Kate also gave Don, Dr. Stader, a cd of her c.t. from Monday late afternoon. It had not been read. Don and the E.R. radiologist reviewed it and found no sign of a pneumothorax. Kate had feared that her shortness of breath was a second one, the first one happened back in May or June.

They did find abnormalities, interstitial lung disease, but no obvious reason for a sudden increase in, as they say in the E.R. notes, SOB. We checked out, went to the car, and drove back up the hill. She’ll followup with both her pulmonologist and Dr. Gidday.

This is getting old we both remarked while she was on the hospital bed in Swedish E.R. room #20. But, so are we.

Aging, Family, Health, Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

Another Hard Day

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Fall and the Rosh Hashanah Moon

Even tougher day for Kate yesterday. Still short of breath. I took her in to see Tabitha, our doc’s P.A. She ordered a chest x-ray to see if another pneumothorax (collapsed lung) had manifested. Kate felt similar to the time before her last hospitalization which found a small one.

Chest x-ray negative. Hmm? So, Tabitha ordered a ct scan, still searching for either a pneumothorax or another cause for her shortness of breath. Got the scan late in the day yesterday. No results yet.

Meanwhile at home something happened to her feeding tube and she had to effect an emergency repair. Still waiting for what to do about that. Whatever it is, it will happen today along with any other followup from yesterday. And, of course, we will have to fit it in around my 9 am Lupron shot.

Kate’s made tangible progress, but having to deal with this lung stuff dispirits her. And, me. So much going here and there, waiting. Waiting. Wondering. More to come today.