Category Archives: Aging

The End of Days

Fall                                           Waxing Harvest Moon

The end of days.  No, not that one.  Just this one and the others.  The end of days is an important moment for me, a time of reflection.  Often, not always, but often, I will sit down and write, thinking as I do back over the day, the anxieties of which, as the New Testament said, were sufficient unto it.  So, here in the quiet, the gathering darkness headed toward the Solstice of Winter, I cast off those anxieties, trying to get to sleep.

Most of the time, over the last few years anyway, getting to sleep has not been a problem for me.  Sometimes, rarely now, I’ll awaken and not be able to sleep.  I’ve learned that instead of railing against it, I just get up and read until I feel sleepy again.  Won’t be a problem tonight.  I hope.

Most of the time sleep comes with difficulty when I’ve either been over stimulated during the day, an exciting debate or tour or new idea keeps kicking around even after bedtime; or, I’ve got an event upcoming in which I need to perform well.  Sometimes that causes me to lose sleep.  A speech, a tour of Chinese art for the Chinese Heritage Foundation, finishing a sermon.  Not often in either case, but they do happen.

I love sleeping.  And dreaming.  Off and on over the years I’ve kept records of my dreams.  I like to do it on a regular basis, but it doesn’t hold my interest for long, in spite of my intense curiosity.  The dream time has given me many important insights.  Right now my body is telling me I need to go dream.  Good night.

Representative

Fall                                                     Waxing Harvest Moon

Spent much of the day with stars in my eyes.  Literally.  After those damned dilating drops at the ophthalmologist.  However, my pressures are still below glaucoma level and the photographs of my retina show insignificant change.  The technician photographing my retinas kept saying, “Watch the green dot.  Your eye’s moving.  Watch the green dot.”  Well, geez.  I thought I was doing a damned good job of keeping my eye from doing its normal task, checking out those flashing lights to the left.  Apparently not good enough.  Anyhow.

Over to Cafe Ena, a Latin fusion restaurant, at the intersection of 46th and Grand for lunch with the docent outing crew.  I had mofongoed Yucca.  This involves pounding and cooking it in some way according to our waiter.

After lunch I walked with Allison and Jane MacKenzie from the Cafe to the Weinstein gallery.  Martin Weinstein, the gallery owner, introduced the current show of Robert Mapplethorpe, Alec Sloth and August Sanders portraits.  He represents Alec, a local boy now part of Magnum, and Robert Mapplethorpe’s estate.

Curious about the business side of gallery work, I asked Martin how representing an artist worked.  Turns out he ships art, packing and insuring it, both incoming and outgoing.  He frames all the pieces or arranges for them to be mounted.  He manages the three buildings that constitute his modest, spare gallery space, pays a woman to assist in the complex logistics of the business.  He also collaborates with museums to mount shows of his artists, mostly on his nickel.  In addition he mounts several shows a year with all the attendant costs, including a reception with wine and cheese, plus boarding and expenses for the artist.  This is all sunk cost, paid out long before any commissions come in from sales.

It is, he emphasized, “A very stressful business.  Always this coming, that going.”  Martin is a tall, slightly stooped man with a shock of white hair and round architect type glasses, thick ones.

The photographs were elegant, Martin was entertaining and there was a good turn out.  A fine afternoon.  Thanks, Allison.

Leaving Us, June Cleaver

Fall                                          Waxing Harvest Moon

That ol’ harvest moon has swollen past a half and has Jupiter as a pendant.  The jewelry that adorns our night makes the homogeneous light of day seem dull, unimaginative.

Two more signs of approaching old age:  June Cleaver dies at age 94.  Mr. Cunningham from Happy Days dies at age 83.  Oh, my.  Say it ain’t so, Beav.

The Tao of Liberal Thought

Fall                                        Waxing Harvest Moon

Art to me is an anecdote of the spirit, and the only means of making concrete the purpose of its varied quickness and stillness.
Mark Rothko

Another brush stroke about contemporary art and the future of liberal thought.  Given Mark Rothko as the exemplar of the link between liberal thought’s future and the radical rethinking of Western art he represents for me I will extend the metaphor one large leap further.  The future of liberal thought has a cathedral.  It is in Houston, Texas and the photo at right is of its exterior.  I’ve not visited it, but it is on my list and it stays in my imagination as a sacred place of the always contemporary spirit.

The interior is a quiet space, reserved as the website says, “as an intimate sanctuary available to people of every belief.”    Funded by Houston philanthropists its interior contains multiple canvases painted by Mark Rothko, hence its designation, the Rothko Chapel.  It is not its dedication to people of every belief that makes it a cathedral to the future of liberal, rather it is Rothko’s commitment to seeking truth through a leveling of old forms and the bravery to rethink and rexperience something so fundamental as art.  This chapel gives form to a new way of finding the future, a way, a tao, that does not flinch at change, takes nothing for granted, perceives no one, no institution, no book as a final authority save the open and always unfolding book of our universe.

Imagine your inner cathedral lined with the somber, blue paintings.  Imagine a small black tiled floor and a simple leather cushion set on a metal plate.  Now go and sit upon the cushion, clear your mind and your heart and allow your Self to speak to you through the painting.  Whatever it says to you is the path you need to follow.

Here’s another way of thinking about this.  Each progenitor of a new faith tradition, from the Buddha to Lao Tse, Jesus to Mohammed, each had a liberal approach to the questions of human spiritual longing.  Each one.  They were in their historical moment, raised in a particular faith tradition, taught its comprehensiveness, its completeness, its sufficiency.  They each went deep into their faith tradition and found it wanting.  They did not step back and say, no, these are thoughts that must not be; they did not say, no, our tradition will reveal itself to me if I only wait longer.  No.  They did not leave on their shoulders a cloak that no longer fit, a cloak that had, in fact, come to chafe.  Each of them, from Abraham to Zoroaster, stepped out from beneath the overhang of the past and dared commit themselves to an alternative, an uncertain future.

This is our responsibility, the great possibility that lies before as liberals approaching the holy wells of human understanding.  We, too, can throw off the cloak of former beliefs that has come to chafe and replace it with a walking staff for the way is long.  In the old Celtic Christian faith, the Christianity that preceded Rome in the British Isles, the monks had a form of spirituality called peregrenatio, literally wandering around.  The walking staff of personal responsibility will keep you company as you wander on the way, traveling from hut to hut, open to the hospitality available where ever you come to rest.  This is the future of liberal thought and it may be your future.

Books Along the Way

Fall                                  Waxing Harvest Moon

I have begun to accept that I will never read everything I want to read.   Books sit stacked up on the floor in my study; they lie on top of rows of other books on bookshelves;  all my 6702010-10-09_0461bookshelves are full and many have books piled on top of them.  Each one I want to read.  Some I want to use only as reference, but most I want to read cover to cover.  The books range in topic from fairy tales and folklore to basic scientific texts on biology and geology, from philosophy to theology, art history to renaissance life, china, japan, india and cambodia to single dictionaries and the multiple volumes of the OED and the Dictionary of Art.  Of course there is fiction, too, and poetry, works on historiography and works on the enlightenment.  This doesn’t count the 90 books I now have on my kindle, many fiction, but many non-fiction, too.

When it comes to books and learning, I seem to not have an off button.  Maybe it’s a pathology, an escape from the world, from day to day responsibility, could be, but I don’t think so.  Reading and learning feel hardwired, expressions of genes as much as personal choice.  So it’s tough for me to admit that I have books here, in my own house, that I may never read.  A man has only so many hours in a day and I find spending any significant amount of them reading difficult.

That always surprises me.  I love to read, yet it often feels like a turn away from the world of politics, the garden, connecting with family and friends, so it takes discipline for me to sit and read for any length of time.  Instead, I read in snippets, chunks here and there.   Even so, I get a lot read, finishing the Romance of the Three Kingdoms took a lot of dedication, for example.  One year, I put the books I finished in one spot after I finished them.  I don’t recall the number or the number of pages, but it caused me to sit back and wonder how I’d done it.

Sometimes I fantasize about stopping all other pursuits, sitting down in my chair and begin reading through the most important books, the ones on the top of my list.  Right now that would 6702010-10-09_0460include the histories of Herodotus and substantial commentary.  The Mahabharata. Several works on Asia art.  A cabinet full of books on the enlightenment and liberalism.  Another cabinet full on calendars and holidays.  I will never do it.  Why?  Because I do have interests, obsessions maybe, that take me out into the garden or over to the State Capitol and the Minnesota Institute of Arts, the homes of the Woolly Mammoths and our children.  Kate and I will, I imagine, resume at least some of our SPCO attending when she retires and there will be travel, too.

This relates to an odd self-reflection occasioned by Lou Benders story of my first day on the Ball State Campus.  According to him, there was a picture of the Student Body President, I reached out and touched it and told him, “I’m going to do that.”  Three years later I ran and lost for Student Body President.  The year was 1969.  Recalling this, I wondered if my intention, my ability to clarify my direction had waned.  Had I defocused, living my life with no clear intentions, drifting along, letting life happen?

Then I recalled the moment I told Kate I wanted to write, the moment four years ago when I realized I had to put my shoulder behind the Great Work, creating a benign human presence on the planet, the moment I began to pester Deb Hegstrom for a spot in the junior docent class of 2005, the time when Kate and I decided to push our property toward permaculture-the harmonious integration of people, plants and animals in a specific spot in a sustainable way.  No, I’ve not lost my ability to focus.  Not at all.6702010-10-09_0462

This life, the one I’m living now, is the one I’ve chosen to live, a life Kate and I have made together.  And that feels good.

Who knows, maybe I will finish these books?  Who knows?

Diversity

Fall                                            Waxing Harvest Moon

Whew.  Sierra Club am.  Latin at noon.  Touring the Embarrassment of Riches show for Lindquest and Venum from 5:30 to 7:00.  A very diverse day.  Fun in that respect, but also tiring.

Greg took me through some Latin readings to test my level of retention since we paused back in mid-summer.  He decided I was fine to pick up again where we left off in July.  Good to know my brain has not gone soft.

Around 4 pm I took off for the cities and went to the Ford Bridge on 46th street.  Jon e-mailed me and asked for me to take some shots from the bridge looking north.  He wanted some of the fall colors.  Don’t know how good the images are, but I took them, then scooted over to the museum for my stint in the Embarrassment of Riches show.

It came to me while touring this show that it validated many of those who came through in a way similar to African and Chinese galleries for their respective ethnic communities.  That is, these folks saw images that were of the world in which they moved.  They may not all be in it personally, but in working with clients they cross over many of these thresholds.

A different experience than I had anticipated, but not a bad one.  Interesting, rather than revelatory.

Harvest

Fall                                      New (Harvest) Moon

Second round of apiguard in the parent and the divide.  The top box on the package colony has gotten heavier, but I plan to feed them some more as I will do to the parent once the apiguard comes off in two weeks.  Sometime in early November I’ll get out the cardboard wraps and cover the hives for winter.  That will pretty much finish bee work for the year until late February or early March.  I’ve given away honey and plan to give away more.  Part of the fun.

A quick walk through the vegetable garden shows kale and swiss chard looking good, a few rogue onions that escaped the harvest, plenty of carrots, beets and butternut squash.  The harvest is 2010-10-04_0351not yet over and will go on until the ground threatens to become hard.

While I drove through the countryside on my way back to Lafayette on Monday, I passed field after field of corn and beans, some harvested, some not, about half and half.  Seeing those scenes put me right back at home, especially the corn fields.  Here’s a field near Peru, Indiana with the combine spilling corn into a tractor trailer for transport either to a corn bin, grain dryer or even straight to the grain elevators, all depending on the price and moisture content of the corn.

Indiana is no longer home, Minnesota is, but Indiana has a large section of my heart, the chamber of childhood and early young adulthood, a room full of corn fields, basketball, small towns, a baby sister and brother, county fairs and James Whitcomb Riley poems.  I was glad to be there the last few days and to walk again in the part of my heart filled there so long ago.

We move now toward Samhain, Summer’s End.  Blessed be.

A Life in Ruins: Part II

Fall                                    Waning Back to School Moon

When I visited Angkor in 2005, I wrote a piece for my Pilgrimage series entitled, A Life in Ruins.  Ephesus, Delphi, Delos,Rome. Pompeii, numerous civil war battlefields and Attuthya are among the many ruins I’ve visited, trying to piece together from blocks of stone, information plaques and Blue Guides their meaning and significance. At Knossos I wondered what it felt like to be in the labyrinth of rooms that made up what entered legend as the habitation of the Minotaur.  At Delos I imagined what the birth of Apollo and Diana was like.

Given that history, amazing is an understatement when I discovered my actual life had become a site with ruins, not one, but many.  In my hometown of Alexandria the first factory in which I2010-10-02_0396 worked, Johns-Manville has nothing left but concrete coated pillars and a loading dock.  I worked as a receiving clerk the summer I was there, so I knew exactly what went on there when the trains loaded with coak and limestone rolled onto the factory grounds.

That was the first, but far from the last.  The old High School, my middle school, gone.  Tomlinson, my first elementary school. Gone.  Most of the businesses of my youth, abandoned shells.  This is only in Alex.  In Anderson the mighty General Motors Guide  Lamp and Delco Remy, employers once of 25,000, gone.  Parking lots and concrete factory pads covering thousands of square feet and fenced in with tall chain link are all that remains.

If we had a magic button we could push, one that would light up the home’s lost among those 25,000, we would have a better estimate of the lives ruined along with these structures.  These are the missing elements at Ephesus, Rome, Delos.  What about the lives of the priests, the grounds keepers, the cooks, the sailors?  Like members of my class and their parents forces beyond their control eliminated the places where they earned their livings.  Places made sacred by the holy work of labor.  So much desecration.

These factories, these shops, these shuttered houses, these abandoned people are the friends and family with which I spent the weekend, real people, not statistics.  Never did I think that the mighty flood of cars bearing workers on Highway 9, no absurdly named Highway of Vice Presidents, would dry up.  Never did I think that the vibrant small town of my youth with its mens store, its womens store, two variety stores, two pharmacies, a bakery, two theatres, bars and banks and service stations would fade away only to be replaced by dollar stores and wholesale outlets.

So this weekend, an affair of the heart most of all, a reconnecting with those who lived then, only underscores the pain.  I will never visit a new ruin again with the same detached attitude.  Real people lived there;  real people suffered.

Camp Chesterfield: Blessing of the Animals

Western Hotel, Camp Chesterfield, 8 pm.

This was my day to poke around here at Camp Chesterfield, the reunion over and a day remaining on my stay in the Western Hotel. I picked a poor day. Instead of the usual worship services held today thee was a blessing of the animals. Before that I went back to the gift shop, which has an unusual collection of books and items for sale.2010-10-03_0378

Footfalls on the Boundary of Another World, by Robert Dale Owen seemed the most substantial work on spiritualism, so I picked up a copy. Written in 1860, a California outfit named Health Research has produced a facsimile edition. Most of the works on spiritualism were from the late 19th or early 20th century, the prevailing zeitgeist here at this 124 year old Spiritualist center. It will make for interesting reading.

I looked through many other books, including a series by Alice (?) that fills a bookshelf. A couple of the books interested me: White Magic and Esoteric Knowledge (actually 6 separate volumes), but at $27 or so a copy, I decided to pass. Besides, the book store plans to go online next month, so I’ll have access there whatever titles I want. Most of the ones that intrigued me were by presses I suspect even Amazon doesn’t carry.

Why do they intrigue me you might well ask. In part because this small subculture has shown durability over the centuries, persisting and now beginning, it seems, to thrive again. They tap into the universal hope that something persists after death, that death is not final, rather a transition to the Spirit world, or the non-physical plane. As a writer of fantasy novels, I like to use religious world views grounded in living or once living faith traditions. Not much has been done with Spiritualism and it carries such a strong overlay of Victorian and Edwardian sensibilities, that it makes a good setting for a novel.

As I made away across the grounds from the Western Hotel, the direction of transition in spiritualism, I passed a prayer grotto, a large marble angel, a setting of busts honoring creating of major faith traditions and a setting of concrete tables with two wooden chairs. These last I imagine were at one point the site of outdoor readings.

Just beyond the chairs and concrete tables was the cathedral. That’s what they call it. This is a rather modest cathedral, though it has two ranks of movie style seats and a large stage upon which a pulpit sits. The décor is simple, plain plaster, a couple of small stained glass windows and a statue of Jesus off stage right.

I began with a critical attitude. The nearly bald older woman in the flowery chiffon dress couldn’t pronounce Assissi or covenant, both coming out garbled at best. She also started the service with a CD of a 9/11 fireman singing God Bless America followed by the pledge of allegiance. Peculiar way to start a worship service unless in a militia camp. Then she read a brief bio of Francis, butchering the words yet again.

Once came she came down from behind the pulpit and discarded her professional persona for animal lover, the service got in synch. She loved each animal, from Great Danes to Italian Greyhounds and lively kitties to one brought forward in a roller bag because, as her own said, “She has severe arthritis.”

Our nearly bald celebrant said, “Well, I can identify with that.”

Animal after animal came down, got a sprinkling of holy water and a St. Francis medal and a dose of love. The celebrant assured us that the water and the medallions had been blessed by Fr. Justin. From a traditional theological perspective this was peculiar at best.

One of the Great Danes, almost as big as our Irish Wolfhounds, took it upon himself to lap noisily from the basin holding the holy water. A sanctified stomach.

As a couple of people came up with names of pets who had died, there were asked when the transition had occurred. They were then assured that St. Francis greeted each animals arrival, as did, in one case, another cat who had died—transitioned– in the last year. The grief and the joy which met all the animals or their owners who talked of loss was real and consoling and honoring.

Seeing the animals up there, participating in the service, made me realize how infrequently we give active attention to the sacredness of animals and the human-animal bond. This all felt more authentically spiritual than many services I’ve attended.

I shed a few tears for Hilo and Emma, both recently deceased—transitioned. It was an affecting time and one that convinced me of the sincerity of this unlettered woman who spoke of spirit and transitions.

I hope to get a Tarot card reading before I go, though because this is Sunday it seemed awkward to call people. I’ve got tomorrow morning yet.