Category Archives: Family

Sleep. Gone.

January 4, 2017 Charles Leave a comment

Winter Cold Moon

Sleep has finally gone on holiday for me. Not sure why, maybe no reason. Over the weekend I did have withdrawal symptoms since I stopped my narcotics: chills, upset stomach, agitation, generally feeling lousy. Kate says lost sleep might be part of withdrawal, too. I hope so.

We’re in storm’s coming mode. Not much of a storm by last winter’s showing, but at least a bona fide winter weather warning. 6-12 inches at the outside. I like it. We have no where to go and can enjoy the snow as it comes. I’ll be cleaning off the deck, which is pretty easy, but if plowing is required Ted will do it, that’s Ted of All Trades.

The knee has largely quit hurting, moves with more ease and is easier to use to go up stairs. The recovery arc is positive.

Haven’t mentioned the divorce in a while. Final orders were cut, so the marriage dissolved officially on Nov. 28. The house is the big remaining obstacle. It needs to be sold because both of them need the proceeds to pay for lawyers and to buy new homes. The hot, hot Denver housing market suggests the house will sell quickly and for a substantial gain. I hope so.

Of course, with joint custody and decision making, as I discovered, you are really divorced to someone, rather than from someone.

Colorado, Family, Health, Judaism, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

Negative. Good.

January 3, 2017 Charles Leave a comment

Winter Cold Moon

Kate’s endoscopy is over with gratifyingly negative results. The GI doc was a right jolly old elf with white hair and a belly that shook like a bowl full of jelly. Swedish Hospital, where the procedure was done, is an old hospital, built in multiple oddly connected buildings of different ages. Some are brick, some the same tired modernist shtick that infests elementary schools. Overall the mood is mildly depressing.

Swedish is in Lakewood, the first ‘burb in the Denver metro after we leave the mountains headed east on Hwy. 285. Its massive ongoing construction, buildings separated from each other and a general confusion about what goes where, makes their offering valet parking a very nice gesture.

This one had Kate worried. Not me, but it wasn’t my alimentary canal being scoped either.

After Kate woke up, she got dressed and asked that I drive further east on Hampden (also 285) to the New York Deli. There we picked up a half gallon of CNS, one huge matzo ball and a pastrami sandwich. We turned back west on Hwy 285 and made our way out of the Mile High City and into the foothills, then the Front Range.

Each time we leave the Denver metro and head home into the mountains, one of us says, “I love living in the mountains.” Kate said it today. As we climbed into Conifer, flakes of snow began spitting around us, not much, but a reminder of the bigger winter storm scheduled to hit us tomorrow and Thursday.

As the storm comes, we have plenty of CNS and leftover pastrami sandwich to see us through. New York Deli has come to the mountains.

Aging, Cinema and Television, Family, Health, Holidays, Judaism, Latin, Shadow Mountain, Translating Metamorphoses, Writing

The Year of the Absent December

January 2, 2017 Charles Leave a comment

Winter Cold Moon

lion Two good friends, Allison and Tom, have recommended I see Lion, on my list for this week, especially now that I’m mobile, both on foot and behind the wheel. Yes, the knee is becoming much less painful though strength and stamina will take a while to regain. Not sure whether it’s the drug cocktails I’ve been taking or what, but sleep has become a precious commodity again, not easily found in batches long enough to feel rested. Ick.

2016 will be year of the absent December for me. My 20161203_083526 surgery was December 1st and much of the first two weeks + I spent in a narcotic haze. Or so Kate tells me. The remainder of the month has been physical therapy and figuring out how to manipulate the meds so they help me rather than hurt me. Not an easy task.

The good part was having the grandkids here for most of Hanukkah. When Kate and I returned them to Jen yesterday, Ruth came back to the car to say goodbye to me. We touched hands and she smiled, a furtive lightning of her face. I said, “Remember what I told you about your audition.” (that I have faith in you) She said she remembered. This is her audition for the Denver School of the Arts. She presents her portfolio and sits for an interview.

Next big medical event is Kate’s endoscopy tomorrow. This is a follow-up on an occult blood finding, so it could have serious implications, though I’m not expecting them. I have physical therapy at 7:15 a.m., then we head down the hill on 285 to Swedish Hospital for a 9 a.m. procedure.

A sequelae of the absent December is waking up from it to a New Year. What will I do in 2017? Will it be continuous with the first two years here? Or, will I rethink it all, maybe reshuffle the deck one more time? I’m leaning toward the latter. There will be Superior Wolf, yes. There will be workouts, yes. There will Beth Evergreen. There will, I decided yesterday, be Latin. I’m picking that project up again beginning this week. But, beyond those and how those fit with other potentials? I don’t know. I do know that taking a big insult to my physicality, even for a good cause, has got me in a contemplative mood, wondering, once again, about how life fits together.

Dogs, Family, Health, Holidays, Judaism, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Third Phase

The Holidays

December 31, 2016 Charles Leave a comment

Winter Cold Moon

The grandkids have been here since December 23rd, with the exception of one day. That means a full house, lots of zigging and zagging. Adding Hanukkah to the mix leaves empty boxes, unfurled wrapping paper and gifts cluttered in the living room. Lots of watches this holiday: Ruth, Gabe, Kate all got watches. Too. There were legos, several games like Pandemic, Mexican Train, Rock of Archimedes, Mille Bourne, an assortment of clothing items like socks, ski jackets, t-shirts and the odd book or dvd.

While their presence here is a blessing and one of the really good things to happen as a result of the divorce, it gets pretty stressful with five people in the house, two under 11. Not to mention that Kate has had a wounded me to care for, in addition to the other work she does for the grandkids like laundry and cooking. We will miss them when they leave tomorrow, but both of us will require some time to decompress and get back to our usual, slower old folk rhythms.

Gabe enjoys the dogs, sometimes too much. Yesterday he squeaked and squeaked and squeaked a nerf football at Kepler. Eventually, Kepler told him to stop that. He did.

Ruth and Jon went skiing again yesterday, a wonderful warm day with reasonable numbers of folks at A-Basin even though it was New Year’s weekend. Ruth loves to help. She offers to get the mail, feed the dogs, help make supper, buy presents. And then does just that.

Her audition for the Denver School of the Arts is January 7th. She has an hour before an admissions committee. By herself. At age 10. She has a portfolio of work she’s done, a lot of work, much of it prints. That weekend I’m going to take her to this place, The Inventing Room. She’s been there and loves its emphasis on nitrogen fixing of food.

The knee. So much better now. Still achy, but not bad. Biggest problem now is that it still interrupts my sleep. My workouts for p.t. are a lot of bending the knee, straightening the leg, strengthening muscles that support the knee. I have to do 3 sets. Since my p.t. is scheduled at 7:30 a.m., I’ve shifted my workout from the afternoon to the mornings. I’ll likely keep it there since it’s much cooler then in the summer.

Commentary on Religion, Faith and Spirituality, Family, Health, Judaism, Shadow Mountain

P.T. and Hanukkah

December 29, 2016 Charles Leave a comment

Winter Cold Moon

Katie, my physical therapist, is young, only a year and a half into her career. She’s thin and a somewhat recent transplant from Florida. Colorado and its mountains, its snow, even its trout streams are her playground. She went snowshoeing on Hoosier Pass yesterday, the road from Fairplay goes over Hoosier Pass to Breckenridge. It’s high, you can access altitude above the tree line. She did, being out there “a few hours.” Afterwards, she said, she fished. Fly fishing. Which she took up a year ago with classes and a membership in Trout Unlimited.

She tells me my flexion and extension are remarkable. She says, too, that the stiffness and achiness that I have is typical. “It’s not scar tissue or anything else like that, it’s the body’s reaction to the surgery. It will pass. You’re doing very well.” That was nice to hear.

As the day winds down and night falls, the knee begins to kick out pain again. Feeling better, I’m going up and downstairs more often, walking more, generally putting the knee to work. By day’s end it’s tired of the effort and says, “Slow down. Stop.”

We’re on the sixth night of Hanukkah, many candles have burned to get us here. Lots of wrapping paper and delighted squeals. Opened boxes litter the coffee table and the couch, gift sign. Ruth got skins for her skis today. These get put on skis when you want to go up the mountain, rather than down. Gabe got Pokemon cards and a sketch book.

Hanukkah requires some discipline, apportioning presents so there are some left for the end of the 8 days. Jon enforces a strict two-present openings a night rule for both kids. Kate recites the Hanukkah blessing in Hebrew while Ruth and Gabe try to follow along.

Our three generation household runs pretty smoothly in spite of the usual sibling rivalry.

Family, Feelings, Health, Holidays, Judaism, Shadow Mountain

Illness and Recovery

December 26, 2016 Charles Leave a comment

Winter Moon of the Winter Solstice

The ancientrail of illness and recovery continues here on Shadow Mountain. Yesterday it brought an unusual moment, a highly emotional tidal wave crashing through my early Christmas morning consciousness.

The immediate trigger was, I think, the pile of Hanukkah presents on the coffee table beside me. The Christmas spirit that still flows around this secular, pagan heart saw them. And rejected the moment. What followed was a period of dislocation, the closest analogy I can give is culture shock.

What was I doing in this house with this holiday underway? Mom, Dad, Mary and Mark rose up. I missed them all, a lot. Further the friends from Minnesota. Why was I here in cold Colorado, in the mountains, when my family and friends were dead or far away?

The logic of these feelings did not account for Kate, who worked the New York Times crossword across the room. Nor did it account for Jon, Ruth and Gabe. Nor the dogs. These were dramatic, histrionic feelings, slouching toward despair and isolation and loneliness. I cried for the distance I felt from the house, from my life here.

In talking with Kate about this later in the day she offered an interesting perspective. After my Minnesota trip in September, I began to forego my workouts which had become too painful. The decision to replace the knee had been made not long before that trip. Oddly, at some point the act of sitting became painful which made using the computer in the loft all but impossible.

Then on December 1st I had knee surgery. Since then, 3 weeks plus, I’ve lived with pain and meds, often so disoriented that I lost track of sentences midway.

Kate thinks I may have lost my self. The self that cut down the trees, cut up the slash. The self that writes. The self that hikes. The self that engages easily with the world. That self was lost in the last few months, diminished, then vanished. The journey from the trauma of surgery to healing and beyond has displaced at least my sense of self.

All this came to a confluence yesterday. Still not sure what to make of it though the crying felt cleansing. I’ve not had the same feelings since then.

Faith and Spirituality, Family, Holidays, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain

The Morn

December 25, 2016 Charles Leave a comment

Winter Moon of the Winter Solstice

twas-the-night-before-christmas-a-visit-from-st-nicholas-by-clement-c-moore-with-pictures-by-jessie-willcox-smith-published-1912-3 Christmas. Today. Right now the electricity of children twirling in their beds after a sleepless night, the clatter of little feet racing down stairs, bleary eyed parents waking up, wondering why all of this has to happen so early in the morning cause psychic vibrations to pulse through the country, hitting even the top of Shadow Mountain. If they were lit, they would put the northern lights to shame.

It’s sweet in its way though there is a slight tinge, ok maybe not slight, of greed, of concupiscence being lodged in innocent hearts. This morning I’m traveling with the innocence of wonder and hope and pleasure, the sounds heard through the night of reindeer on the roof, some sort of clattering in the chimney or on the stairs or in the elevator shaft. As I do, I realize this is a true aspect of American culture, not practiced by all Americans to be sure, but enough that the magic of Christmas morning is a part of us we all recognize.

While it happens elsewhere, up here on Shadow Mountain we woke up to a light dusting of snow, a cloudy sky and the dying crescent of the winter solstice moon occluded, but partially visible. It would not surprise, in this mood, to see a long string of reindeer push up above black mountain, a victorian sleigh attached and a jolly old elf holding the reigns. I would be pleased in fact.

Whatever the inner push that moves you this morning, take a moment to drink in the flavor of this old family holiday, so disconnected from the notion of incarnation, but not too far from pagan joy in the evergreen tree and its brave lights.

Faith and Spirituality, Family, Health, Judaism

137 degrees. Yowza.

December 23, 2016 Charles Leave a comment

Samain Moon of the Winter Solstice

New physical therapist this morning. Measured flexion in my left knee at 137 degrees. A lot of people at my stage can’t bend their knee at all. Many work hard to reach 120. When I acknowledged my surgeon, Katie said, “We’re not supposed to say this, but the surgeon matters. A lot.” I believe it.

She put me through some new work. First time on a Pilates machine. Some balance exercises. I liked her. I may go the whole 12 sessions just to learn new exercises.

Our coffee table has Hanukkah gifts for the kids and, starting tomorrow night, will have menorahs. This is Hanukkah showing up very late in the year. A few years ago we had Thanksgivukkah, a combination of Thanksgiving and Hanukkah. We’ve moved pretty far into the Jewish home ritual world, lighting shabbos candles occasionally and always celebrating passover.

So, no matter how you take your holidays, straight or bent a bit, have good ones.

Family, Health, Writing

It’s Alive!

December 23, 2016 Charles Leave a comment

Samain Moon of the Winter Solstice

karloff-history-science-and-frankenstein So. The old computer, dead to me when I went in for surgery, has shown signs of life. I’m very glad because there are many things on here I want, need to keep. It’s six years old though, past its sell-by date, and I no longer trust it, so I’m going to buy a new one after the holidays. I’m glad to have it available now, however, because it means I can visit the loft again in the early morning, expand my daily circuit, get me out of the house for a while.

Had a very sweet moment yesterday. I took a nap, slept peacefully for an hour, and woke up with no pain. It was as if, for a moment, that the surgery was long past or never happened at all. Then I got up. Oh, well.

Progress is good, not swift, but good. My second out patient p.t. today takes care of my workout for the day. No more three a days as I was doing up until now. Though. The new exercises are harder and I have to do more sets. I’m a fan of p.t. It’s cheap. It’s non-invasive and it puts me in charge of my recovery.

(just one of the tools used in my surgery. this one drills the hole in the tibia. Inserted in the hole is a titanium rod. Hello, TSA.)

The grandkids are here for the holidays. Hanukkah begins tomorrow. Lots of energy buzzing and blooming throughout the house. Jon and Ruth have been printing a lot using Jon’s found metal method. In case you don’t remember he finds crushed metal on the road side, retrieves it, takes it home, cleans it up, inks it up and prints it using a rotary printing press. (like the one we used at the Highpoint Cooperative for docents and Woolly readers.)

I’m so happy to greet you all from my loft here on Shadow Mountain. Have a wonderful holiday season.

Family, Health, Shadow Mountain, Tea, Third Phase, Weather +Climate

Chilly

December 18, 2016 Charles Leave a comment

Samain Moon of the Winter Solstice

Woke up this morning to a text from Tom Crane. He lives in the western Twin Cities’ suburb of Shorewood. It was, he said, -20. Now that’s getting chilly. Up here we started out at zero, but hit 28 later in the day. The solar snow shovel is hard at work. Yeah.

Due to my delicate condition we hired a snow plow guy, Ted. Ted moved here from Ames, Iowa, the closest town to Nevada where Kate grew up. Weird. He came early yesterday, did a great job.

I’m looking forward the next couple of weeks because I’ll begin to get up to the loft. December and January are my finishing touches months. Hang art. Make sure all bookshelves are organized. Get standard file holders for my shelves of files. Get the tea going, all things that have been waiting, I want to see them finished.

The grandkids come on the 21st, the Winter Solstice. With a short break we’ll have them through New Years. A strong family inflection to the end of the year. It feels appropriate.

Due to the pain and the drugs I’ve had less thinking time than I imagined. Not a bad thing, just a surprise. What I have had is an intense couple of weeks with my body and its limits. Being focused and present to my body has been a good thing. I probably don’t take as much of that kind of time as would be helpful.

Kate has had four days of sleeping and resting though today she ventured out shopping. Crazy, she said. She’s my beauty, my strength.

Anyhow, to all of you, happy holidays.