Category Archives: Family

Easter Morning

Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Sunday gratefuls: Broad spectrum antibiotics. Kate’s will. Jamie Bernstein. Easter and Passover and Spring. Friends. Rabbi’s. Countryfolk. Mountains. Dogs.

Sparks of Joy: Kate’s blood cultures negative for infection. Exhaustion, but exhaustion held in the care and concern of so many others.

Kate at Mama’s Fish House

Been thinking, a lot, about the holidays: Ostara, Easter, Passover. How they hold the wonder and awe of Spring and apply it to our human lives. On Maundy Thursday (no, I never remember what that means) Kate was in severe crisis. She had a crowd of nurses, physician’s assistants, respiratory therapists, a pulmonologist. All working carefully, quickly, urgently.

I had a hushed conversation in the hallway with the physician’s assistant and Dr. Fenton, the pulmonologist, about resuscitation.  Asking hard questions. Trying to be true to the situation, to her wishes, to the possible.

She survived the crisis, her blood pressure down and her breathing more stable. She moved to the 10th floor where she could be treated with nurses who work with more complicated cases.

Her situation got better, but death still seemed as plausible as recovery. On Good Friday, her lucidity returned, she made it off the bipap (a small mask that is actually a treatment for the pneumonia, among other things), and her white cell count continued to come down.

Yesterday we found her blood borne infection was gone. Though it still needs a four to six week bout of IV antibiotics to make it sure it doesn’t resurface. She passed her swallow study so she can drink and eat. Prognosis still guarded, but less so now.

Her friend, Jamie, reported she looks good. Jamie stayed all night with her.

It’s Easter morning.

Kate: Friday

Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Saturday gratefuls: Kate. Family. Friends. All the staff at Swedish that care and have cared for Kate. The valets. Ruby, working well. Being able to retreat into the mountain vastness. Jamie Bernstein who will stay tonight with Kate.

Sparks of Joy: Ruth turning 15. Ruth’s caring and her actions-taking care of the dogs and the house so I could stay overnight with Kate two nights in a row.

retirement party for Kate

Far from over. But, trending in a better direction. Kate’s infection has responded to the antibiotics, broad spectrum, powerful. Her breathing is still an issue, but Dr. Nguyen thinks it will improve.

I’m knackered right now. Spent the last two nights on the visitor’s bench in Kate’s room. She sleeps better when I’m there and that’s pretty important to recovery. Plus, I can tell what’s going on.

Lot of driving in and out, but fortunately at least some of it is always in the mountains. So, not hard duty.

Gonna end with this. See you tomorrow.

Kate, Me

Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Thursday gratefuls:  Kate. Swedish. Infectious Disease docs. Dr. Nguyen. Jewish Family Services. Diagnostic tests. Nurses. The Mountains. Kep and Rigel. Friends and family reaching out. Sunny days.

Sparks of joy: Kate, even in her struggle. Second vaccine for me today.

Kate’s situation could take a turn, perhaps toward death, perhaps toward a somewhat better tomorrow. This infection, MSSA, could push her in either direction. If she goes to a rehab facility for the long duration IV antibiotics she requires, that might finish with her gaining some weight and having enough PT to walk on her own again. If instead she returns home with in-home health care in addition to me, I think she’s moving toward hospice care.

MSSA, in her weakened condition, and with her immune system hammered by both drugs and Sjogren’s, may prove too much for her. She is strong of will, though, and has pulled through worse in her post-bleed recovery in 2018.

Rigel

Rigel, our big girl, defeated MSSA, and has gone on to a full recovery. She was much stronger than Kate is now, however. Weird that we have it twice within the same year. Rigel’s illness was in August of last year.

How am I, you might ask? I told Marilyn Saltzman yesterday that I’m sad and joyful. I learned you can experience more than one emotion at a time, even contradictory ones. A deep and persisting sadness set in over two and a half years ago when I saw Kate begin losing weight, fighting against Sjogren’s disease. It got more profound after her bleed.

I’ve gone up and down with her health over that time, sadness a constant companion. A signal that I took her situation seriously.

Joy? Oh, yes. Often. When Rigel prances in from outside. When I write this blog. When Kate’s feeling better and we can talk, play cribbage. Each time my PSA is undetectable. When friends and family communicate. When the sun rises. When it snows. When I got my vaccine, when Kate got hers. When Trump lost the election.

Today. Sad. Waiting for news. At 6:10 pm I’ll be joyful as the second Pfizer vaccine hits my bloodstream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kate

Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Tuesday gratefuls: Diane and Mary. Margaret, nurse case manager. Kep. Rigel. Cremation. Death. Illness. Covid. Vaccines. April Fool’s.

Wednesday gratefuls: Kate. Swedish E.R. Hospitals and rehab centers. Friends and family. All of you, each of you. Sunrise. Pesach. Mountain Waste. The dogs. Also, always.

Sparks of joy: Margaret. Insurance. Vaccines. #2 tomorrow. Kate’s, April 17th.

Oh, geez. (imagine a Minnesota inflection here) Kate thought she’d stored everything she needed in the panels in our overhead fan. Nope. Just fan blades. She went in and out of hallucinations, delusions on the way, yet again, to the E.R. at Swedish.

Once there we waited a long time to be told, not sure what’s going on. They did admit her and she’s now in the hospital. What happens next? Not sure. Leigh Thompson, her doctor, Margaret, Kate, and I have all agreed to hospital, then rehab center. But. Get a call from Kate about 5 am. “I can come today.” Oh, geez.

This rhythmic pattern, hospital, home, decline, emergency room, hospital, home, decline wears on both of us. The idea behind the rehab is to get some weight and strength back so she can move for herself at home. Interrupt the pattern, or reset it on a longer amplitude.

Gotta workout now. Short one today. Catch you either later today or tomorrow.

My Sister, Rigel

Ostara and the Ovid Moon of the Metamorphoses

Monday gratefuls: Heart to heart with Kate. Sweet and sad. Rigel, her head on my pillow most of the night. Vaccines. Salivary glands. 45 Mar-a-logged out. 46 looking more FDR’y everyday. Grief in Boulder. Stimulus checks mailing on April 2nd.

Sparks of Joy: Truth spoken from deep within.

 

Rigel

 

Rigel. Dogged. After her multi-thousand dollar hospitalization last August for endocarditis, she developed a gimpy left back leg. She fell sometimes, tried to climb the stairs to the loft and got stuck. Once she made it up to my balcony on the second story over the garage, got part way down and tumbled the rest of the way. She is not a cat.

So. I have created a dog barrier at the bottom of my stairs. Two outdoor chairs placed together which I move going up and down. Sure, a gate would be better and I think Jon may have finished one. But. Covid. Someday soon perhaps.

This morning. I’m sitting here finishing my spark of joy. Woof. Woof. Woof. A deep bark came from out my chamber door. Quoth the Canine, here I am!

Yes, Rigel had moved a chair and climbed the stairs to come visit. Sweet, you might say. Really it was a treat run for her. I gave her one, went down the stairs with her, she navigated them with ease, and I altered my chairs to better guard the stairs.

She beat the endocarditis, prances and jumps, hunts for the critters that live under our deck and shed, and has made it into her thirteenth year. Worth every penny.

I’ve called the dogs family members for a long time, as do many. Only lately I’ve realized it’s not a paternal relationship; it’s a fraternal and sororal one. Kep is my brother. Rigel is my sister. We live in mutuality, Kate and me, Rigel and Kep with both of us. We take care of each other. Through good times and bad.

 

Same thing, said another way by Rilke:

Mother Earth, isn’t this what you want

To arise in us invisible?

Is it not your dream, to enter us so wholly

there’s nothing left outside us to see?

What, if not transformation,

is your deepest purpose? Earth, my love,

I want that too. Believe me,

no more of your springtimes are needed

to win me over — even one flower

is more than enough. Before I was named

I belonged to you. I seek no other law

but yours, and know I can trust

The death you will bring.

~Rainer Maria Rilke~

Considerations

Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Saturday gratefuls: Tough towels. Morning lucidity. Vaccines. Kate’s appointment today. Georgia GOP. No doubt now about their racist, oligarchic ideology. The Voting Law. Ditching the filibuster.

Sparks of Joy: Vaccine #2 on April Fool’s Day.

Gabe’s bris

Miracles in my world. The greening of the Lodgepoles. The leafing out of the Aspen. (both of these I’m anticipating) A Black Mountain decked in white. Iris rhizomes throwing up stalks for another year. (this, too, anticipated) Fawns. Calves. Colts. Life. Abundant and rich. Puppies. Dogs. Love. Mountains. Justice. Memories. So many, everywhere. Hallelujah.

Oh. Terrible night. Kate talking throughout the night, explaining her dreams to herself, she said. Lotsa lost sleep for both of us. Makes everything more difficult.

Contacted Jewish Family Service in Denver. They’re sending a social worker out who specializes in gerontology. With her we’ll develop a plan, perhaps, plans, that we can use to define our next year, few years. Housing options. In-home health care options. That sort of thing.

There are lots of services available but knowing which ones exist, which might come to the mountains, costs, is difficult. At best. Same with housing options including, but not limited to, buying another home.

Kate’s healthspan, lifespan are critical, but unknown. I imagine this will include some more time with Dr. Thompson, consulting. Mine are, too, but I’m the more functional at the moment. Dogs are a crucial element. Our stuff is less of an issue. We can sell or keep. My library can be sold in whole or in part. In that sense we’re portable. Except for the Dogs.

I suppose you could say, why didn’t they consider all this before they moved to the Mountains? Fair enough. We did give it cursory attention, but we both felt good, were planning for a healthier time than we got. Didn’t happen.

Shadow Mtn. Drive, down the hill a mile from home. Black Mtn ahead

Living in the Mountains is a big adventure for us, something we wanted long before we decided to move. I don’t regret it, not for a minute. Even if it seems foolish. Even if it was foolish. To lose a sense of adventure, of new possibilities, is to die before the grave.

We’ve had six years so far. A really long vacation in a place people come to from all over the world. Would I make the move knowing what I know now? Maybe not, so I’m glad we did it without knowing.

Rigel and a bull Elk in our back a day before my first radiation treatment.

My hope is that we will find a combination of home health care services that allow us to remain here. Moving the Dogs would be very difficult. They’re both older, Rigel beyond the expected life span of large breed Dogs at 12, and Kep turning 10 this year.

I’m still alive, healthy for 74. Love Kate, the dogs, our house, family, extended and birth, our CBE friends, my Ancient friends. I love reading, learning, writing, creating. Colorado and the West. The humid East. The Midwest. The Mountains and all of our wild Neighbors. Neither resigned to life, nor resigning from it.

Ready for this moment and the next. Here I come.

Gosh

Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Thursday gratefuls: Dr. Thompson. Salivary glands, even when swollen. Oxy. Yet more Snow. Ruby and her snowshoes (blizzaks). Snowplow drivers of Jefferson County. Sleep. Vaccines.

Sparks of joy: Kate’s #1 shot on Saturday. My #2 Wednesday.

 

Gosh. As the characters say often in Korean dramas. At least in translation. Yesterday. Physical. I’m in good shape, great shape for a 74 year old with cancer, kidney disease, and post-polio syndrome. Seriously.

Serious conversation with Dr. Thompson about our need to define a threshold for a move. What combination of things will lead us to say, yes, now? The idea of assisted living, for this mountain dwelling introvert with a several thousand book library. Yeeecccchhhh. Not to mention an introverted wife and two dogs. Not sure what the options are.

Buy a new house down the hill, a ranch style, no stairs. Co-housing with Jon. Independent living in a setting where there are phased alternatives. Gonna get together with a senior living specialist from Jewish Family Services, look at options. Maybe some live in help or regular home health care?

We’re going to investigate Kate’s long-term health care insurance, too. See what it might offer. Not ready for this, but then I imagine no one ever is.

Forgot to finish this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Colorado Can Lead

Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

Wednesday gratefuls: Chipmunk wife. Snow. More. And, yet more. Vaccines. Diane and Mary. Formula 1. Netflix. Yin Yang Master. Biden at work. 45 in Florida, his natural habitat. The Woollies. Spring. The Great Wheel. Its turns. Celebrate.

Sparks of joy: Snow. Life itself.

 

The Snow coming down again. Like Minnesota rain, straight down in gentle punctuated lines. Sat watched it against the Lodgepoles yesterday afternoon. Their red Bark, their Branches beginning to droop, covered in Branch shaped dollops of white. The Japanese Ukiyo-e prints and some paintings often show Snow and Pine trees. This was the same. It was easy to imagine myself in the mountains of Akita Prefecture, Kep wandering around on genetic home territory.

Then. Spring snows. Not the harsh snows of December and January. Wet, yes, but coming as a confection rather than an invasion, even in the depths we’ve had over the last three weeks. It’s as if we’re being inundated by confectioner’s sugar, a big wire shaker somewhere overhead.

And, even better, as Kate just said: “I see Snow and I see no Fire.” May it be so. This helps. Better Spring moisture gives some protection during June, our month of greatest fire danger. Historically. In July the monsoons come and soak the afternoons. Though. Has not happened but once since we’ve been here.

Kate has swollen salivary glands. Chipmunk face. Or, mumps. But she’s not been anywhere to catch the mumps. She had mumps as a child, anyhow. Good thing we already have an appointment for her at 1:00 pm today. My annual physical follows. Good times at New West Physicians. Painful enough to require an Oxy. Unusual for Kate.

Boulder continues to be in the news. A Libertarian ethos reinforced by cowboy culture is in a scrum with the progressive politics of metropolitan Coloradans. Boulder is the epicenter of this Mountain state’s radical left, as Berkeley is to California. I don’t know if that has anything to do with the shooter’s motive, but even if not, it’s still a bloody metaphor for the tension.

I do think there are ways through this impasse. At least here. I’ll mention the primary one I see today. Coloradans are outdoor oriented. Even if you never get out to hike the trails, ski the runs, or camp in a Mountain Meadow, the Mountains loom in the background or foreground. The Skies turn blue and the Sun shines in that bright, cheerful Colorado way. We all care about the wildlife, the rugged valleys, most of which we will never see.

Rancher culture in particular loves the land, too. The way forward that I see presses this love of the outdoors, of the wild things that live here, into a compact for a Colorado future both wild and free. The drivers for this compact will include a need for better water policy, climate change, changes in the nature of agriculture, especially toward regenerative agriculture. Regenerative agriculture has a foot hold in the Flint Hills of Kansas. What they do there can work here.

This idea and its friends excite me, make me want to get into the mix. Colorado can lead the nation I think just because of the conflict and tension. Use the power and energy it generates to forge a covenant between metro and rural.

The Bristlecone Psalm

Ostara and the Ovid Moon of the Metamorphoses

Monday gratefuls: More Snow. And, yet more. Kate’s temp and blood pressure in normal ranges. Vaccines. Covid. 46 at work. Colorado, its interesting divisions. No pussy grabbing in the news. No need to check on the idiot. Oh, hallelujah.

Sparks of Joy: Flocked Lodgepoles. Resilience.

 

 

The Bristlecone Psalm

When Creeks run full down the Mountain,

And Thunder booms deep in Valley,

                              I cry by the Bristlecone Pine.

Lenticular Clouds crown the Mountain,

Waters course toward the Sea,

                               As I mend by the Bristlecone Pine

Sweet grass and Boulders, Mule Deer and Moose,

                Pines, Aspens, and Willows and Spruce

                               Find me sad by the Bristlecone Pine

That Water my tears, the Thunder my grief,

With hard Rocks and wild Flowers tucked underneath,

                               Make me holy by the Bristlecone Pine

The sounds of the clear water running,

The sense of the mending it brings,

                               I dance by the Bristlecone Pine

This was my final piece for the Psalms class. Yes, it still needs some work, but I thought I’d put it out there as an example of a realization I had after a conversation with Kate.

A tree island at the krummholz level

I’ve been struggling with keeping up exercise and tending to Kate’s needs. Partly my fault because I’m pretty habituated to a MWF morning routine and if something breaks up those mornings, I’m not motivated to replace them.

 

I asked Kate about it in the context of whether I should take:  The Alphabet, The Psalms, and You: Sound and Symbol, Word and Melody, Awareness and Attunement. This Rabbi Jamie class is taught at 9:30 am Friday, as was the Psalms class. Direct conflict with my workouts, you see.

Kate suggested I do what would make me feel best. Well, doing both. But, given my routine… Anyhow, here’s the realization. I need to do something for my mind/soul as much as I do for my body. All connected, all important.

Mt. Goliath, a large stand of bristlecone

These days I’ve been telling myself, stay flexible, change as needs change. Wu wei. Go with the course of the qi as it passes in and through and around you. This is important at all times, but none more so than when life keeps throwing things at you’ve never seen before.

So. Compromise. Ensure workouts on Monday and Wednesday. Take the class on Fridays. Perhaps a workout or a hike on Saturday or right after the class. No pressure on that one.

Totality

 

 

 

A Good Day

Imbolc and the waning Megillah Moon

Thursday gratefuls: Kate, feeling better with a new placement of her feeding tube. Our 31st anniversary. Vaccine shot #1! Vaccines. Polio. Snow. Big Snow. Living in the mountains.  Ruby, sure footed on the snow. Blizzaks.

Sparks of Joy: Vaccine shot #1! Vaccines. Kate. Seeing her yesterday.

Kate on our 2011 cruise around Latin America, Santa Marta, Colombia

What a day yesterday. A good day. Needed one. Went into see Kate. Can’t miss seeing your wife on your anniversary, right? She looked and sounded wonderful, better than she has for weeks. I took her an empty olive jar filled with wine. Looked like a urine sample since it was white wine. I figured the hospital would be less likely to reject a glass jar than a wine bottle.

31 years. Good ones. We’ve been places together, grown flowers and vegetables, raised many dogs, and have two wonderful sons.

Her self-advocacy convinced the interventional radiologists to snake her feeding tube lower, getting it all the way into the jejunum. We’d expected that placement during her surgery to create the feeding site.

This puts the tube further down, out of the small pouch of her stomach created during her bariatric surgery. Hopefully this will mean less or no leaking, allow a faster feeding pace, and better absorption of the nutrients and calories. Since malnutrition is a major, perhaps the primary, medical issue for her at this point, we may see some significant improvements. Yeah! Go, Kate.

Love is a verb. Love guides and wills you to act. And, love is the act itself. Life without love is a sterile desert, nothing blooms. Flower for those you love.

First vaccine dose. Pfizer. Left arm. No pain or swelling. I sat in a socially distanced chair afterward, a small plastic timer stuck to a doorjamb behind my head. 15 minutes. Carla, the nurse, watched the long hallway filled with just shot folks. My timer beeped and I could go on with the rest of my day. And, I was that much closer with being able to go on with the rest of my life.

Even with the chaos of the weekend and the last three days I felt jubilant. A positive, wonderful step toward dealing with the virus instead of passively trying to stay out of its way. After a year.

45 in the rearview. One of two jabs complete. Kate feeling better. The stimulus passed. A big snowstorm on its way. I could get giddy.

I started yesterday with a trip to Bailey, The Happy Camper. (THC, get it?) Bought my Cheebachews for a good nights sleep. Had to wait until around 10 am so 285 could clear the snow and ice collected over night. That’s the beauty of the Solar Snow Shovel. The continental divide snakes along the horizon just after Pine. Snow covered.

On the way home I stopped at Scooter’s Barbecue. Voted the top barbecue joint in all of Colorado two years in a row. And it’s in Conifer. Odd, but true.

The guy who runs it is a linebacker sized guy, Southern. Thick accent. “I have this catering job, a Mexican wedding in South Park this Saturday. I’ve told them we’ll not be here on Saturday, that they have to pick it up on Friday.” He shook his head, “These people.” I waited for a racial slur, “They just don’t understand March in Colorado.” Ah. Good.

We’ll keep yesterday as one of the good days.