Category Archives: Friends

Anoka County, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Hermitage, Memories, Minnesota, Mountains, Shadow Mountain

Good memories

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Winter and the Wolf Moon

Monday gratefuls: The Good Life. Helen and Scott Nearing. Kate and mine’s version. Garden catalogues. The Bees. Their Superorganism. The Squirrel that used to steal our Honeycrisp Apples. Gertie standing on my electric fence. Those first Shoots in the Spring. Grape anemones. Daffodils. Crocus. The eagerness to get out there. Plant something. Reluctantly waiting for May 15, the last frost. The Woods in Winter. That Opossum that visited me one Winter Solstice.

Sparks of joy and awe: Horticulture

 

Happy and fulfilling memories. The Andover years. Kate and I working as a team in the Vegetable Garden. I handled the Orchard, the Bees, and the Flower beds, but the ongoing work of the growing season in the Garden. A mutual task. Harvesting Honey. Also mutual.

Kate earning money allowed me to work in the Gardens and in the Woods during the day. If I had worked full-time, we couldn’t have had as much. With writing I could take a break and plant. Cut wood. Tend to the Bees. We both felt the division of labor worked well.

We did have a housecleaner. Cooking and shopping were also my responsibilities. It was a good life. And a level of physical effort we did not want to continue after we both got older. Moving to Colorado came at the right time in our lives. Out here we had the grandkids, CBE, the Mountains. Travel. Also a good life, one suited better to our energy.

As I said in the Ancient Brothers yesterday, even the years of Kate’s decline were good years. Sure there was anguish, pain, frustration, anxiety. But we had three solid years of working closely together again to keep her healthy and alive. In her last year I would apply lotion to her arms and legs because they would get very dry. A lot of touching. Not the rosy glow of forgotten difficulty, rather the difficulty was the point. The connection. As our many hours in the garden had been all those years ago.

 

The same with these years after her death. Two in April. The adjustments, the adaptations. The work on the house. They have been the necessary domestic duties that kept me grounded. As did caring for Rigel and Kep as they cared for me.

Even the cancer. Not fighting it. Learning to live with it. With the now much reduced stamina occasioned by androgen deprivation therapy. Going slower. Doing things in slower increments. Resting more. Also a good life.

Yes, I may recognize the benefits later. Sometimes in the moment. But, I do find them. More and more the realizations of the good life I’m living come to me daily. As a result, I’m calmer, more accepting.

Blessed be.

 

Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Garden, Great Wheel, Great Work, Health, Hermitage, Judaism, Memories, Minnesota, Mountains, Mussar, Plants, Politics, Shadow Mountain, The Move, Writing

Dutiful

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Winter and the Wolf Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Breakfast with Jen, Ruth, Gabe, Barb. Driving back up the hill. F1. The MIA. The Walker. The docent program. My many years there with good friends and art. Acting class. Creativity class. Origins of North America. Finding the volume of a Mountain. Korean. Pruning moving forward. Interior painting, early February. Probate. Still moving. slow. ly. The Good Life. Scott and Helen Nearing. Eudaimonia. Kristen Gonzalez. Psoriasis. Mark and the USPS. Mary in Kobe. Ancient Brothers.

Sparks of joy and awe: Eudaimonia

 

Human flourishing. Eudaimonia. Satisfaction. More important than happiness. Duty is just another word for cultural norms received and accepted. Obligations. On the other hand. Imposed. Why do we do what we do?

Assessing the life that is neither heroic nor mediocre. Since that’s where most of us end up. No need to measure ourselves against the ends of the bell curve. No need to measure ourselves. But can we be at peace with a life without comparisons?

As for me, I choose eudaimonia. Flourishing. Satisfaction. And, yes. Duty plays a role. Family. Sacrifice. Friends too. Being there. Wherever love is, there is duty. To be honest. Sincere. Kind. Helpful. To support the best for the other. Right down to the end. And by implication to support the best for yourself. Also, duty. The unexamined life is not worth living. Yes. A duty to yourself to know thyself. And to thy own known Self be true.

 

What’s interesting for me right now is how much a sense of duty has played in my life. Oh, no! The original oppositional defiant guy admitting to a sense of duty. I who even rebel against my superego. You can’t make me!!! Yes, duty.

A minor yet significant example. As a convinced feminist of the Betty Friedan/Simone de Beauvoir second wave. At the age of 26. In seminary. Went to the Rice Street Clinic late on a Winter afternoon. A scalpel I felt on the first cut slashed my vas deferens on both sides. Shutting down sperm from my testicles. Being responsible for my own contraception.

Another. One I’ve mentioned before. Fits here. No. I don’t want a Johns-Manville full scholarship to college. Managing people in a large corporation is not me. Will never be me. High school.

Once convinced of Vietnam’s sturdiness as a nation, one that had held back China for over 3,000 years. No. I will not fight, nor support that war.

After reading a convincing study about the future job prospects for Ph.D.’s. No to graduate school.

Family. Staying in the fire with Jon. Ruth. Gabe. Kate in later life. Mark. Yet also. Cut your hair or leave! Leaving.

These may not at first reading seem like duty. But they are. A duty to myself, to my own understanding of how to be present in the world.

When I realized Ruth and Gabe needed us in Colorado. Broaching the idea of a move. Kate on board. Following through.

Those two and a half acres in Andover. Leaving them better than when we bought them. How? Working it out with Kate over the years. Together. Staying the course with the full cycle of responsibilities throughout the year. Each year.

And, dogs. Living into their lives. With them from puppyhood to death. Oh. Sweet duty. Painful duty. Life realized in full.

Aging, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Hermitage, Shadow Mountain

Like a book end

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Winter and the Wolf Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Earth trivia. Perihelion today.* Also, happy birthday Isaac Newton! Who discovered calculus and wrote the Principia Mathematica. An alchemist, too. Kristen Gonzalez. My favorite doctor ever. Aside, of course, from Kate. Evergreen, my Mountain town. Low T. The Valley between Shadow Mountain and Hwy. 73. Mule Deer. Fog on Black Mountain yesterday. Korean. Rational, real, natural, and imaginary numbers. Geez. DNR. Yes. Approaching 76. Colonoscopies.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: A straight forward doctor, Kristen

 

Annual physical. Kristen. Kind and wise. Thorough. Practical. Do you have an Advance Directive? Yes. If we could put it in your chart. One more place for it. Are you DNR? Well, if I’m fragile and decrepit, yes. Like I am now? No. This is only for if you die. If we bring you back, we break ribs and you end up in the ICU on a ventilator. After that you are fragile and decrepit. This is not what I wanted you’ll be thinking. I advised my own parents the same way. Ah. I see. Well. DNR then. Straight, this Kristen.

Colonoscopy. When I had one last? Before I moved here. Well. You’re at the cutoff. Your choice. Can I think about it? Of course.

She referred me to a vascular specialist for my left foot which seems to have problematic blood flow.

Nothing new. But the conversation about death and the colonoscopy. If we think you’re going to live a long time, we’d stretch that to 85. The colonoscopy recommendation. Oh. Later. Huh. That means.

A new, more realistic sense of my life span. Though not changed in length. Just the inner awareness. I’m guessing now somewhere between 85 and 90. Which was Dad’s. He died at 89. Trick now is maintaining health span as long as possible. Which I’m doing by managing my prostate cancer, exercising, eating a healthier diet, staying calm, remaining in close contact with friends and family, having a dog. Most you can do. Which is enough. Need an emergency contact. Maybe Rich?

Interesting feeling. Like a book end. Yes, a date out there somewhere. Ten, fifteen years from now. Buh, bye. At first. Huh? A time sort of certain? That seems, oh I don’t know. So sudden? Yeah. So sudden it’s taken me 75 years to get to this point. Ha. Will welcome death when it comes. Until then, I welcome life and all its wonders. Including you, dear reader.

 

Will see Ruth on Saturday. Breakfast at Jen’s. The whole remaining gang. Jen, Ruth, Gabe, Barb. Barb is Jen’s mother. Talked to Ruth for only a moment but her voice was strong. Excited to be back  home. To start school. I’m excited to see her.

 

Kep has gone out and returned on his own since his stuckness the other day. I’m giving him intermittent reinforcement. Treats. When he comes back. That seems to have encouraged him to find his way home before he exhausts himself. Also warmer weather for a while reduced the Snow depth. I want the joy of wandering in the Snow for him.

 

Seeing Marilyn and Irv today for brunch at Aspen Perks. Always a pleasure. Looking forward to the chicken fried steak and eggs.

 

 

For 2023, our closest point to the sun comes this morning for us in North America (16 UTC  on January 4). It’s our annual perihelion, from the Greek roots peri meaning near and helios meaning sun. In early January, we’re about 3% closer to the sun – roughly 3 million miles (5 million km) – than we are during Earth’s aphelion (farthest point) in early July. That’s in contrast to our average distance of about 93 million miles (150 million km). Read about perihelion today.  earthskynews

Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

Ruth comes home

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Winter and the Wolf Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Memories with Tom and the dogs. 8 years ago. 12 degrees. Dusting of Snow. Rabbit tracks on the driveway. Kep in the Snow. Ruth came home. 15 years of Solstice entries. (lost 3 years somehow) Lodgepoles with Hoarfrost. Aspen Branches coated, too. Fog. Kristen Gonzalez. My PCP. That Kringle. Eggs. Apples. Peanut butter. Yogurt. Blueberries. Blackberries. Raspberries. Sourdough bread. Ramen. Mother Earth’s bounty. Made into us, to me. Oatmeal.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth at home

 

Got a call about 4:30 pm yesterday. Jen. Ruthie’s coming home. We had a family therapy session (on Zoom) that went well. Half an hour later they called. I said I couldn’t go get her. I have work tomorrow. They insisted. Also, I wanted to invite you to dinner some night. Would you like to come? Yes. Of course.

We’ll see how things go. Part of the logic in sending her home was the chaotic nature of the Cedar Springs Hospital unit she was on. Back to a calmer, more stable environment. Made me wonder though about the therapeutic nature of such a place. Though. Ruth says she got what she needed. And more. May it be so.

She will go back to school starting tomorrow. Holiday break is over and she’ll start her second semester as a junior at Northfield High. A Denver STEM school. Unlike her she failed two classes last semester. One in which a teacher refused to let her make up work in the weeks after Jon’s death and during her hospitalization. Jerk. Another in which she didn’t turn in assignments. Doesn’t seem right to me.

She and Gabe both had a very tough fall semester. Jon’s death. The transition to living full time at one parent’s place. Ruthie’s own struggles with mental health before she left for Cedar Springs. Yet another example of the Cartesian split. If the body is sick, say Ruth had had cancer, the school would have accommodated her. But when the mind is sick, what do we do?

 

The Hoarfrost on the Lodgepoles make them look like sage elders, gray bearded and wise. Ephemera. It will not survive the warming Sun. The Aspen Branches look arthritic, curled up and accented by the Rime. I can see the dawn Light striking a few Trees. Gray white branches, red Lodgepole Bark, and the glow of the Sun. A beautiful moment on Shadow Mountain.

 

Kep. The fourteen inches of Snow has created trouble for him. He goes out, often breaking trail the whole time because he can not see where he’s been. His back legs tire out. So he sits. When he’s not exhausted, he finds his way back. Not sure  how, but he does.

Exhaustion makes him frustrated and he sits, then strikes off in a new direction. Maybe toward the house. Maybe away from it.

Yesterday I had to go out and attempt to lead him back. I say attempt because he’s an Akita. And has chosen those moments to become very stubborn. Glad I had those forty years in Minnesota. The cold was not an issue. It took a while but between spurts with a leash on. He pulled it off. Then my hand on his collar. He found the house and walked along it to the back door. His back legs quivered when he got inside.

He did recover quickly however. I may have to put him on a lead when I let him out. I don’t want to because he loves the Snow and wandering around in it. Still…

 

 

Asia, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Hermitage, Holidays, Korea, Mathematics

Connected

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Winter and the Wolf Moon

Monday gratefuls: A day into the New Year. Talking to Ruth. Who comes home Friday. Bit of Snow. So far. Limits, differentiation, integration. Functions. Two youtube calculus lessons. Back to Korean. Another thousand word plus day. Content rich Ancientrails archives. Annual physical tomorrow. Flagged off Robin until April. Prepping the house for interior painting. Car insurance. Bill for my PET scan. The Ancient Brothers. Mark’s interview. Mary’s introduction to me of the god Toshigamisama, a Shinto deity. the God of the New Year-he brings good luck.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Toshigamisama, may he bring you good luck

 

Talked to Ruth last night. Said Happy New Year. Asked her if she had gotten what she needed at Cedar Springs. More than what I needed. I’m coming home Friday. That was big news. Maybe a week earlier than anticipated. I plan to take the two of them for regular Saturday morning breakfasts every two weeks. Hope we can get back to some of the normal things like the Planetarium in Boulder. The Zoo. Science Museum. Might start taking Ruth to Dazzle Jazz. Gabe to the Rockies.

Gabe texted me with the rules to a card game called tycoon. All the rules. It was a long text. He wants to teach it to me when he comes up next. I look forward to it. As I wrote before, my relationship with both Gabe and Ruth has deepened since Jon’s death. Grateful for that. Feels like it will continue.

As we discussed on the Ancient Brothers Sunday morning, relationships are a key to good health. Especially in old age. Zoom has opened more venues for retaining friendships. As somebody said, I think Paul, 2D is great. Though 3d is better. When possible.

With my buddy Alan set to move to downtown Denver I told him how important our breakfasts were to me. Why’s everybody so worried about our moving to Denver? We go down the hill four times a week. This just reverses the trip. We might have to meet in Morrison, but we’ll make it work. glad for that.

 

I did restart my Duolingo Korean lessons. I was rusty, but also pleased with what I had retained. The trick with both Korean and calculus is to work at it daily.

I started a youtube series on calculus. Gonna hunt around for a bit to find the best series for me. I felt a little used (recently) portion of my intellect wake up. That strictly logical part. It was fun to try to figure out how the first derivative might work before the lecturer explained it. I wasn’t right but the muscle used in thinking it through? Oh, yeah. I remember that.

Languages. Mathematics. Music. Not my strong suits. Ever. Means I can stretch myself, torque the mental engine into the red zone. Like visiting a foreign country. Seeing how different disciplines solve problems. How working in them helps me see the world from a different perspective. Very much looking forward to the journey in both instances.

And, when I take that trip to Korea late this year, I’ll have some ability to read signs and menus. Speak. Or, at least understand some.

Maybe calculate the area under the flight path? I’m kidding on that one.

Till tomorrow.

 

 

 

Colorado, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, GeekWorld, Great Wheel, Health, Hermitage, Judaism, Kabbalah, Memories, Minnesota, Mountains, Mussar, Our Land and Home, Plants, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Talmud, The Move, The West, Torah, Travel, Weather +Climate

So much to see. To learn.

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Winter and the Wolf Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: 8 years in Colorado. On the Solstice. The long dog ride with Tom. Memories. Challenges. Family. Death. Divorce. Mental and physical illnesses. Beauty. The Rocky Mountains. The Wild Neighbors. Mountain hiking. Deep snow. Sudden. Then, suddenly gone. Living at altitude. Becoming a member of CBE. Elk and Mule Deer visiting our back. Blue Skies. Black Mountain. Vega. Gertie. Rigel. Kep. Kate, always Kate. Who loved the Mountains.

Sparks of joy and awe: That dog ride 8 years ago. Talking story.

 

Back of the car anthropology. Two vanity plates. YAHWEHS. ODACIOUS. The first on a jet black fancy Audi. The other on a Lexus sedan. Also. Stickers. I heart Aging and Dying. No baby on board. Feel free to ram me. Toyoda. With yoda ears on the T and the a. I love the way we express ourselves on the back of our vehicles. So revealing. Full disclosure. I have a large decal of Lake Superior on the back window of Ruby. And, an ADL Dissent is Patriotic on a side window. There are too the cars seemingly held together by stickers like the occupants got started on the project and just. couldn’t. stop.

 

On December 20th, 2014 Tom Crane and I loaded Rigel, Vega, and Kep in Ivory. All three trazodoned. Tom drove straight through. We talked the whole way. Talking story. The conversation continues now, eight years later. Gertie rode with Kate in the rental van filled with stuff we didn’t want the movers to take. I remember Kate telling me she bought Gertie a hamburger at one of their stops. A satisfied dog.

These have not been easy years. No. They have been fulfilling, satisfying years though. Deep intimacy between Kate and me, especially as she began her long decline. Putting cancer in the chronic illness box. Being here for the kids and Jon after the divorce. Now for Ruth and Gabe after Jon’s death. Becoming part of the CBE community. Making friends. Learning from the ancient civilization of the Jews. Kabbalah. The Torah. Mussar. Talmud. Mitzvahs.

The Wild Neighbors. The Mountains. The Streams. The hiking. Mountain adjustments. Four Seasons. Eight Seasons. The Mountain Fall. Golden Aspens. Against green Lodgepoles. Black Mountain punctuated with gold, then green. Snow flocked in Winter. Wildflowers in the Mountain Spring. Fawns. Kits. Cubs. Elk and Moose Calves. The long Summers. Beautiful in their own right, yet also angsty with the ever present threat of Wildfire.

Living here has been, is an adventure. In relationships. In deep learning. An immersion in the world of Mountains. After the world of Lakes and Rivers and rich Soil.

So much more to see. To learn.

 

Visited Carmax yesterday. The Jeep. Prepared to sell it, then Uber home. A first for me. But. Can’t take a North Carolina power of attorney. Colorado makes it difficult. Do you want me to get you the necessary papers? Yes. Talked to Sarah while the nice lady in the blue Carmax smock did that. Took fifteen minutes. Many pieces of paper. Post it notes. Sign here stickers. OK. Thanks. Back up the hill.

 

Got two calendars as presents.  Aimed at different parts of me. A Zen Calendar from Tom. A New Yorker Cartoons calendar from Sarah and Jerry. Yep. I recognize both of those guys as resident within me. Wonderful to be seen.

 

 

Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, General, Great Wheel

An Afternoon Sadness

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Samain and the Holimonth Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Tor. Orion. Kate, always Kate. The morning Sun on the Lodgepoles. Kep outside at 3 am, wandering. Trump referred for criminal prosecution. And, probably not for the last time. Merry Christmas. Congress funds the government. Gabe and his legos. Ruth. Hanukah. The 2nd day. Those Maccabees. Tom and the Winter Solstice. The World Cup. F1. Baseball. The MLB ticket. Sports. Waiting on the Cold Air. Grief. Sadness.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Tor

 

Yesterday afternoon. Back to pruning. Clearing off the wire shelving in Kate’s former sewing room. The last of her stuff still untouched. A long rectangular box. Heavy. Lifted it off the top shelf. Tor. Oh. Shot to the heart. Tor my beautiful boy. A wheaten Irish Wolfhound. Friend to Orion. Our last two I.W.’s. Petting him each night before I went to bed thinking I wanted to touch him one last time alive. He had a bad heart and dropped dead in the area behind our Andover garage. Oh.

Clearing off some of Kate’s stuff I found a note from a reunion, a classmate’s after message. Loved being pulled down for a second kiss. I’m afraid I disappointed Kate. Not as passionate as she was.

Tor’s ashes and that note coming right after hit me pretty hard. Grief and regret. There are some things you cannot fix. Felt like a punch to the chest. An hour plus later. Still sad.

 

Going into the great darkness tomorrow. Perhaps appropriate. Fated. The dark night, the longest night. Since the summer solstice, we’ve lost a little light each day. Till now the days are short and the nights dominant. A Great Wheel time to be sad. For sadness. For inner work. For falling down the Great Well of inner space. Until. Until. We hit the world ocean of the collective unconscious. Swim in those waters.

All the mourners slip down that Great Well for a time. Return to it when they lift a favorite dog’s ashes off a shelf unknowingly. Are reminded of their shortcomings as a partner. Other feelings rush into the space. Shame. Loss. Anger. Abandonment. Fear.

Waiting for the light. Which comes. Not in the Spring. But on the day after tomorrow. As the days grow longer, bit by bit. So does clarity about these emotions. Set them in the context of life, of flawed humanity. No I was not all that Kate wanted, but I was much of what she needed. As she was for me.

These moments have become rare, but not gone not completely. Love is a many splintered thing and grieving its loss one of the most complicated acts in life. No, that’s not right. Love is never lost. Grieving the loss of the beloved. The tactile mutuality. Sitting across the table talking. Lying in bed together. Visiting other nations, other cultures. Together across years and decades. That’s what’s lost.

The descent into darkness and the gradual return of the light. A fundamental message of the Great Wheel. A message of life-death-life-death-life and again as long there is time and life. Before the Sun goes red giant. Until.

Happy Hanukah and a very Merry Christmas.

 

 

Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, GeekWorld, Health, Hermitage, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

Malfunction Junction.

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Samain and the Holimonth

Saturday gratefuls: Vince. His buddy. Friends on Shadow Mountain, young strong friends. With good lungs. Rugs on my level now. Kep can grip the floor. A new home office. Jacquie Lawson Advent Calendar. Hanukah. Avatar: Water with Gabe today. Lasagna in a box last night. Picking up Gabe. Stevenson Toyota. Jon’s autopsy. David Olson signing the renunciation. Probate, moving forward soon. I think. Ruth in Colorado Springs. Hanukah presents for Gabe, Ruth, Jen.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Arctic Cold slumping south

 

Vince and his buddy, an artist and restorer whose wife is a conservation artist, came after Vince dropped his girls off at school. They only had 45 minutes because Vince had to get back to school for the girl’s Christmas concert. In that time they moved the heavy Stickley bookcase up into the sewing room. Rolled up the large oriental rug in the loft and brought it down to my level. Lugged all my computer equipment: desktop, printer, monitor, backup battery, desk down the stairs and up into the home office here in the house. They also moved a chair and ottoman, an organizer, and a side table down to my level. Whew.

They moved the bookcase using straps that put the weight on the upper arm. I get winded moving light boxes. Feel like I’ve made a couple of friends here. Maybe a pizza night sometime in the future.

Vince may rent some space in my garage. He’s also going to revivify my snowblower so I can handle the under 5 inch snows. I like using the snowblower but I don’t want to take care of the heavy stuff anymore.

 

Worked out after they left. Good one. Hit my 150 minutes for the week plus some. Still sarcopenia-ed. Lower muscle mass due to aging. My resistance work has not gotten back to previous levels. As I said the other day, may fix that, may not.

 

Got into Ruby and drove to faraway northern Denver. I give myself 45 minutes for the city, but Jen’s house on Galena is more like an hour. All on I-70. The toll lanes have the nice orange sign that says Toll Waived. Makes the trip quicker for now. I won’t use once the tolls come on. Too cheap.

On the way over my AWD malfunction warning light came on. The second time. The other time coming home from Colorado Springs last Saturday. Called Stevenson Toyota. Bring it in and leave it with us for a week! OMG. A week in the Mountains with a rental. Plus the cost. Of the repair and the rental. Called Enterprise and lined up a Nissan Rogue for $476. Then Gabe and I drove to Stevenson since it was on the way back up the  hill.

Sat in the service line at Stevenson’s for around an hour. I turned Ruby off. When the guy came, I turned her back on the warning had disappeared. As it had done before. Explained to him what the service person I’d called said. He nodded. Reached in moved the cursor to a box that said messages. Right over the steering wheel. No messages.

I’ll have to talk to my lead technician. He was gone about 20 minutes. Well, since there is no message we have nothing to go on. You’re not harming it by driving it. (the other person had said it might quit on me) My hunch was that it was a computer glitch of some kind. Had it been serious I would have thought the warning light would have stayed on. He agreed.

Apparently the AWD distributes power to the wheels depending on speed, curve, acceleration, sway and it might have something that makes it uncomfortable in certain situations. It then switches to front wheel drive. When the light is off, the AWD is functioning. Come back if it starts staying on all the time. OK.

Called Enterprise. Canceled the rental. Got gas. Drove Ruby back up the hill to a very hungry Kep. Wore me out.

 

 

 

Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Hermitage, Mussar, Shadow Mountain

Moving

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Samain and the Holimonth Moon

Friday gratefuls: Gabe, coming up today through Sunday. Cold outside, 7 degrees. Kep. MVP. Alan. Sold his house. Evergreen. The Elk of Evergreen. The Bread Lounge. That dulce de leche croissant. Vince and his laborer. Moving my home office into the house. Today. Ruth. Hanukah. Advent. Christmas. The Winter Solstice. Yule. Putin. Ukraine. The Moon, the Sun, and the Stars.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Getting things done.

 

Breakfast with Alan yesterday at the Bread Lounge. They sold their house. But. The one they want to buy continues to slide back and forth between offers, apparently a couple who are in conflict. He wants to stay; she wants a garden. To make it more fun the sellers agent is on her honeymoon in Southeast Asia.

Alan adapts quickly. If there’s a couple of months between the sale of their house and being able to move in somewhere new, he and Cheri will either go to Hawai’i or rent a penthouse in the same building.  Or move into a furnished Air BnB type place. Penthouse now means, I learned, any unit above the 38th floor.

He’s excited about a new adventure. Living downtown after over 20 years overlooking the Continental Divide in Genessee. He’s a happy guy, making the changes positive. Sorta like my buddy, Mark.

Had the Chinook Salmon toast again. Alan had corned beef hash and eggs. Afterward I bought a ridiculously expensive croissant filled with dulce de leche. Had it later in the day. OMG. Totally worth the price.

 

Back home. Mussar online. Discussing a page in Jewish Values called Untamed Anger and the Death of Love. Focused on the story of King David and Michal, his wife, the daughter of King Saul. About modulating our voice, our words, even our intentions in situations of anger. Avoiding sarcasm. Staying present. Being aware that words can kill love in a marriage. A good discussion.

 

After I had to go unplug and otherwise disconnect my loft computer and its peripherals, move all the items I’d collected near and on it. Clear off the Levenger laptop desk. Move chairs off the Oriental rug. Also clean off the side table I bought for my birthday several years ago. Boxed up computer wires, speakers, microphone.

Yet this morning I’ll box up teaware. The Zojirushi.

All of that will move into the home office here in the Hermitage. Plus my computer chair and a rolling file, the Oriental rug and one of the Ikea reading chairs.

Why you might ask? Kep. He can no longer go up and down the loft stairs. I’ve begun to write my new book and I need to be on the desktop. To do that I would have to leave him alone in the house while I was up there. When he was younger, that would have been fine, but now he wants to be near me most of the time. He’ll get a bit more exercise going up and down the stairs to the third level. Which have grippy treads on them.

The loft will continue to be a library, art studio, gym, and reading spot.

Oh. The Stickley bookcase is also going upstairs into Kate’s old sewing room to complete the conversion of it into a dining room. Still pruning work to do in it, but it’s switchover in purpose has already happened.

Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Mussar

Courage of the Heart

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Samain and the Holimonth Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Alan. Has an offer on his house. Lunch today. MVP tonight. No Judy. May her memory be for a blessing. Kate, always Kate. Jon, a memory. Ruth in Colorado Springs. Gabe coming up for the weekend and the new Avatar movie. Fitbit 5. Kep waking me up at 5:20. Back to sleep after. Winter sleeping, window open. The last moonwalk, 50 years ago. Artemis I. James Webb. Hubble. Spacetime. Quantum mechanics.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Galaxies

 

Strong workout yesterday. 74 minutes. Cardio and resistance. Getting the results. Feel better. Lowered resting heart rate. Good cardiovascular conditioning. Could do more with the resistance work, but I’m satisfied with my current routine. Might change it at some point. Not right now.

 

MVP tonight. Judy has died so our little group has become one person smaller. Marilyn will lead us on the middah Ometz Lev, or courage of the heart. Here are a few items from her handout.*

This group is one of the night time drives I count as necessary. Marilyn and I carpool. At 6 pm I drive down to the parking lot for Flying J Ranch (a Denver City Park) and one of us drives to Evergreen. It’s a nice habit because we get to talk once a month there and back. Keep up.

Judy always brought interesting food. One of the things she did before she took her own life on November 8th (death with dignity, not suicide) was make a cookbook so we could continue her cooking if we wanted. I haven’t gotten mine yet. Making deviled eggs.

The closest analogy in my life for this group is the Woolly Mammoths. We all care about each other in and out of the group. Our sessions go deep into our lives, vulnerability seen as an asset. Rich Levine, my lawyer. Jamie, the rabbi. Marilyn, a retired reporter and public relations person for the Jeffco school system, Susan Marcus, another lawyer ( retired), Ron Solomon, actor/singer/writer/entrepreneur, Tara Saltzman, educator, and me. At least 5 years together now.

Each month we create a practice that gives us a chance to practice the middah we’ve discussed that night. We skipped last month because our meeting came at the time of three significant deaths in the congregation, one of them Judy. The last time together was my session on anavah, or humility. I took as my practice the mantra, down to earth. That meant that each time I felt I was about to take up too much space I’d recall my mantra. Or, when I experienced a moment  when I chose to hide myself. Down to earth. Be all of who you can be. But not more.

We discuss the result of these practices at the beginning of each session. We also hold vaad. Which is a time for any of us to speak what’s on our hearts and the others listen. Unless we ask for feedback that’s all the others do, listen. The concept is that we each know best how to solve or resolve our own issues, but speaking them aloud helps us in that process.

 

*                                       Cultivating Ometz Lev

“The Hebrew term for courage, ometz or ometz lev, literally means “strength” or “heart-strength.” Ometz is a core Jewish middah, a spiritual and ethical trait with which each of us is innately endowed as human beings formed in the divine image. Even those who consider themselves fearful or anxious can access the quality of ometz lev in any given moment.

“Jewish tradition teaches us to connect ometz lev with the quality of  chesed  or lovingkindness, concern for others. According to a Midrash, there is no real courage in using one’s strength to push someone into a pit or off a roof. True courage consists of seizing the hand of one about to fall or lifting someone who has already fallen.

“Cultivating ometz lev means applying our energy to protect and stand up for those who are at risk, including ourselves. We practice ometz lev whenever we leave our comfort zone, take an unpopular stand, expose our vulnerabilities, speak the truth, confront others, risk embarrassment or personal loss, or intervene on behalf of those unable to do so for themselves.”

Excerpted from: https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/cultivating-jewish-courage-ometz-
lev/ by Rabbi Marc Margolius senior program director of the Institute for Jewish Spirituality.

What is courage?
What does it mean to be strong?
What does it mean to be brave?

It is not the same as being fearless. There are plenty of things in life of which to be afraid. Plenty of things in our world that are scary. Someone fearless may be someone foolish.

The ancient rabbis ask the question: Who is mighty? And they answer: One who can conquer his or her own impulses.

In other words, a person who is able to do what they ought to do. To do what she decides is most right.

To do what he determines to be best course of action. Not obeying the fearful voice, but rather the voice of love, the voice of care, the voice of duty.

Source: https://jewishhome.org/meaningful-life-messages/what-is-courage/

Questions for Reflection
1. What makes you afraid? How do you overcome that fear?
2. How does obeying the voice of love, care and duty impact your actions?

“Maggid” from The Art of Blessing the Day
by Marge Piercy

The courage to let go of the door, the handle.
The courage to leave the place whose language you learned as early as your own.
The courage to walk out of the pain that is known
into the pain that cannot be imagined, mapless, walking
into the wilderness, going barefoot with a canteen into the desert.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” —E.E. Cummings