Category Archives: Friends

Acting, Cooking, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Garden, Health, Hermitage, Memories, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Plants, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Travel

Androgyny. Needs and Desires.

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Summer and the Living in the Mountains Moon

Thursday grateful: Running lines with Alan. The Campfire. That pastrami sandwich. Feeling conflicted. Money. Trips. Axumin scan. Long term care insurance premium. Maybe a new (read expensive) hot water heater. Friends. Family. Travel. A need for rest, time away. How to reconcile. The synagogue. Luke. Rebecca. Jamie. Marilyn and Irv. Kep. So excited in the morning. Food, dad, food!

Sparks of Joy and Awe: It’s a ladle (not a spoon, you dumb ignoramus!) a line from the Odd Couple

Tarot: The Seer, #2 of the major arcana

“With the innate ability to balance emotions and the power of will and source of knowledge, The Seer encourages us to change the ordinary material world. She uses all of The Wildwood’s natural resources skillfully. She nurtures positive changes in people’s minds, expressed through emotions and commitment to life. Her magic is one of the purest and most revered things on earth.”  tarotx.net

 

Androgyny. Quite a ways back Kate paid me a compliment, one I’ve treasured. “You’re the most androgynous person I know, Charlie.” I value the balance of yin and yang, of the feminine and the masculine. In me. I love being a sensitive man who will knock down injustice. I love cooking, raising kids, keeping a nice house. The chainsaw and I were one. Back when I could still hold one. The axe, too. I loved gardening, the labor of it and the nurture of plants. Raising dogs and caring for them when they’re sick. I loved being in relationship with Kate.

The Seer and I are old friends. Her feminine intuition, her link to Mother Earth. I feel them. Honor them. Honor her. She was the one who told me, “You need to be a Dad.” And, I listened. She was the one who told me, “You need to write.” And, I did. She was the one who told me, “Marry Kate. Right now.” I did. I listen to her as often as I can, as closely as possible. She was the one who told me, “Move to Colorado. Be close to Ruth and Gabe as they grow up.” And, we did. I have never regretted hearing her voice.

Drawing this card today reminds me to collect the information I’ve gleaned over the last year and two months since Kate died. To listen to the Seer once again. Hear her advice on what happens next. What I need to do now. Listening.

 

I’ve put myself in a box. One of my own making, one that expresses deep desires but may not conform, right now, to my reality. I really want to go to Durango with Tom. I really want to see the Redwoods with Diane. I really want to extend my reunion trip and visit Sarah and Jerry at Belews Creek. But. In August I have my Axumin scan. Over a thousand bucks. Then in September my long term care insurance comes due. Three and half times that. Plus I may need a new water heater. Maybe more than the two combined.

Money. I have enough. Yes. But not more than enough. I so want to go places, see other people. But. I may have to settle for Hawai’i until I’ve seen my way through these big expenses. Adulting. Bah, Bah. Gonna have to count my pennies again. Stay tuned.

Acting, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Great Wheel, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Travel

The Summer Solstice. And Acting.

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Summer and the Living in the Mountains Moon

art@willworthington

Tuesday gratefuls: Learning. Acting. Felix. Alfieri. The Black Box. Low friction theater. Tech night. Showcase. Summer Solstice. Beltane, leaving. Growth. Green. Pollen. Mountain trails. Black Mountain green, Lodgepoles and Aspen. Very cool morning, 43. Blue Colorado Sky. Pure yang. Today only. Ichi-go, ichi-e. Needing to work harder at learning lines.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Our Showcase on the 27th, all scenes go up

Tarot: Two of Arrows, Injustice

“Two of Arrows, Injustice, encourages us to be less judgmental and critical of the motives of others. We rarely know what is going on and why someone is doing what they do. Today the Two of Arrows asks us to step out of time for a moment. Orientate ourselves with the Wildwood: question our beliefs and seek out the truth of a situation.” tarotx.net

 

How about that Summer Solstice? See Deng Ming Dao’s comment below.* I love the feeling of growth and abundance that shows all around me. Lush Grasses in the Meadows. (the pollen, meh) Green Pine Needles make the Lodgepoles look Spruced up. (lol) The Aspens sway in the wind, their Catkins beginning to emerge. The Mountain Streams have slowed as the Snow melt and Spring Rains have receded.

Coming home last night I saw a young Mule Deer Buck, his small rack still in velvet. He dined on the tall grasses growing up from the edge of Brookforest Drive. Munching as I drove past, he looked up for a moment to acknowledge my passing.

The sun had set but still cast light on the Western horizon. The longest Day. As Deng Ming Dao notes though, this marks the apotheosis of Yang for the year. From this point on it declines until we reach the Yin moment of the Winter Solstice.

June 17, 2015. Shadow Mountain

Beltane to Lughnasa. The growing season in its most vigorous, summer marking its middle. Corn has long since jetted past the old cliche of knee high by the Fourth of July. New hybrids grow faster, yield more. But? Better? Well…

The Midwest throws a party for the Summer Solstice. Corn and Beans pushing toward harvest. Cows in the fields and in the barns. Pigs getting fed. Chickens roosting, finally, at home. Farmers hard at work from sunup to sundown. The remnants of the Big Woods in full leaf and flower. Grasses green and plentiful. Alfalfa. Timothy. Almost to first cutting.

Without this season the whole world goes hungry. Celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music!

 

Acting. Alan and I met for breakfast then went over to the synagogue where we ran lines for the Odd Couple. Four times. And screwed them up at tech night. Tech night means final blocking and working on the lights. Tal said this was low friction theater. Minimal stage dressing.

Learning lines has proven more of a challenge than I expected. I’ve not put in enough time and plan to remedy that this week. I’m going to learn how to read my partner’s lines into the computer so I can toggle it on and off while repeating my lines. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. As long as it takes.

At this point I do know the lines for both The View from a Bridge and the Odd Couple. What’s hard is remembering them on cue. Odd Couple is 97% there. View from the Bridge maybe 40%. One of my big ahas from this first acting class is to start learning lines earlier and put more time in run throughs with my acting partner. After 50 years it makes sense that I’d have a few things to learn. Oooh, boy.

I’ve got Macbeth down. 100%. I’m the announcer. I say at the beginning, “The Tragedy of Macbeth, by William Shakespeare. Act One.” Then I go out four more times announcing act two, so on. That’s it.

This is a much shortened version of Macbeth. The script is two pages long. To give you the flavor, the final lines are: Alan as a soldier: Stab, Stab, Stab. Macbeth: Ow, Ow, Ow. Macbeth dies.

I’m excited for the showcase, but still have a bunch of work to do. Starting with the computer work today. Alan and I are going to run our scene again. I go to Hamish’s on Sunday to work on View from a Bridge.

Turns out acting lessons require real work.

 

*”The Daodejing speaks of the valley spirit, of the importance of the female character, and of Tao as the mother. That doesn’t negate the opposite: pure yang. It is also a concept in Tao.

Today is a time of great yang. The daylight is longest.
As we contemplate that, we can see that it took a year to get here, it lasts a day, and the time will move toward darkness and yin.

Therefore, as much as we might want to celebrate pure yang, it is a brief state. The rest of the time, everything is far more mixed.” Deng Ming Dao, a facebook post

Acting, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Judaism, Mountains, Shadow Mountain

Backwards through the day

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Beltane and the Living in the Mountains Moon

Saturday gratefuls: Sarah. Jon. Gabe. Ruth. Jamie. Luke. Cheri. Laura. Alan. Steve. Sally. Kep. The Beatles. All You Need Is Love. Imagine. Hey, Jude. Shabbat. Evening in the Mountains. The Yellow Peril, Lodgepole Pine Pollen. The Mule Deer and the Dandelions. Acting. Oscar and Felix. Knocking them dead.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Laughter

 

 

Friday. Let me go backwards. When I left before oneg a social moment after the evening service and the saying of kiddush a blessing over wine to welcome the sabbath, I told Sally, “I go to bed at 9:00. You know, these services starting at 7:30…” Sally, of my age or so, nodded yes, she understood.

When I got home, there was no Kep at the door. He usually greets me when I come home. I called to him. No Kep. It was a bit past 9. Downstairs I looked through the bedroom door and Kep looked up at me from the bed, tail thumping. It’s bedtime, Dad. Made my heart melt.

 

Kate’s memorial Iris Bed in bloom

Jon, Ruth, Gabe, and Sarah came up for the Beatles Shabbat. It was a sweet moment. Sarah the classical violinist loved the CBE band and the vocalists. “I feel Kate here,” she said. I don’t get those sensations, at least not very often, but I knew what she meant.

Kate inhabited CBE. She wasn’t just a member. She lived, in her last seven years, the full Jewish life that she had dreamed about since converting at 31. If her presence would be anywhere, it would be at CBE or home. Her presence was there in the flesh of Jon, Ruth, Gabe, and her sister Sarah. And my love for her.

 

Continuing toward morning, I took a short nap. Picked up food to make three special June salads at Safeway. A melon salad. A shrimp salad. And, a quinoa salad for vegetarian Ruth. Took all that home and put it away.

 

I drove to Safeway directly from treading the boards again for the first time in 50 + years. For the Senior Wellness gathering at the Church of the Transfiguration. Alan and I as Oscar and Felix from the Odd Couple. A lot of laughs. We had good chemistry and the audience could feel it. Forgot the rush when an audience responds to something you’ve done. In person. Right then, in the moment. Oh, my, ichi-go, ichi-e.

There were four other scenes and they were all well received. One solo performance by a woman dressed as a fiery Greek with a sword. Rebecca. She looked like an actress with some experience. She was from the class for more experienced actors working on solos.

 

Back home that morning, we performed at 1:00, I did another hour and a half with the script. Learning that I need to work harder than I have been at this. Memorization feels harder than I remembered. Maybe it is. Maybe I don’t recall the past accurately. Whichever I now see that I have to put in more time to do well. To flourish at acting. And, I want to.

 

The usual early morning. Ancientrails and a workout, hitting my goal for the week in terms of minutes.

Friday. A new day, a resurrected self, ready for what presents itself.

 

 

Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends

Flourishing. Again.

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Beltane and the Living in the Mountains Moon

art@willworthington

Friday gratefuls: Alan. The holy trail. Kate, always Kate. This grand wakin’ up mornin’. Each morning a resurrection and a new promise. Ichi-go, ichi-e. Increasingly my life mantra. Mussar. Moses. Leo. Luke. Better rested. Dressing up for the first time in years. Acting for an audience today. Oh, my. Still lotsa things to learn.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Being able to learn

Tarot: Ten of Vessels, Happiness

“..the water from the lake plashes down joyously, crashing against the rocks, filling and spilling over Ten of vessels that sit in the cascading waters. The air vibrates with negatively charged ions – We are energized. This is happiness, joyous and alive: ever-changing and yet always to be found.

We acknowledge our relationships. We honor the universal flow of energy between all forms of life. We celebrate the child’s hand on our own. We expose the vulnerable soft throat of ourselves as we allow ourselves to love. We accept the ecstasy and grief.”  may it be so, tarotx.net

 

Let me say a word for happiness. And then a word against it. I am a happy guy, joyous even. Although in a subdued way that some might miss. When I experience the momentary delight of a breakfast with a friend, an intellectual exchange, a meeting with friends of over 30 years, Kep’s warm presence, I’m happy. And these happen a lot so I experience happiness a lot. But. It’s a by-product rather than a goal.

As I’ve often written here, I’m a eudoimaniac.* “the condition of human flourishing or of living well.” see link below. Aristotle focused on reason and political action as the characteristic human activities and therefore the source of eudoimania. OK. That’s one take. I mean, I know, Aristotle, but still…

I’d throw in love and compassion. Also. honesty and vulnerability. Living well, or flourishing, which I like a lot as a description of my own aims, does include the application of reason to life. No need to look further than the January 6th hearings to understand the value and virtue of applying reason. And, political life is the life of the common good. Care for the neighbor and the stranger. Oft cited as a high religious good.

Yes, and. As I learned in my political years, it’s easy to divide the world into them and us. To go after them with all the tools in the political tool box. Yet, love suggests living with the fuzziness of a word more complicated than binary. So flourishing comes when we put away the sword, use other means. Perhaps love?

My flourishing does include working for yours. Working for the flourishing of others seems like a worthy human goal. A worthy life goal. As I said in the gratefuls above, ichi-go, ichi-e has become a life mantra. That is, I flourish in this unique, never to be repeated, and precious moment. Right now you, my neighbor and friend, or you, a stranger to me, are not present, but I’m reaching out to you anyhow. Making myself visible and vulnerable. As I wish to do in each moment.

Flourishing for me also includes time spent reading, listening, thinking. Cooking for myself. Living the Herme life. Living in the Mountains. Hiking. Listening to the Trees. The Mule Deer Does who visited yesterday evening. The Rain and the Snow and the Heat and the Drought. Exercising. Sleeping well.

Here’s where Aristotle and I differ, at least as much as I know about his work. He applies the unique or characteristic function to every instance of a living or human-made thing. To the class of these things. So. Tables flourish when they’re solid and balanced, able to function well. Mule Deers when they eat, reproduce, and provide prey for Mountain Lions. That’s an aspect of it, yes.

And. Each Mule Deer, each Table is also unique not just a member of a class of beings, but an individual sui generis. Gertie was a much different Dog from Vega. Vega again different from her sister, Rigel. Rigel quite different from her boyfriend, Kepler. Yet, all dogs.

Rigel’s flourishing included escaping from the yard and taking Vega with her. Instigating digging holes which Vega helped with. Rigel was a predator. Vega was not. Unless Rigel took her on a hunt. Vega’s flourishing was a big and dynamic personality, chewing on shoes, and claiming chairs.

Just so with humans. My friend Tom’s unique characteristics include a certain Vishnu-quality, holding the world within his purview steady so that others can find their way. Friend Alan a joi de vivre that infects other. Friend Paul a seriousness and compassion that reaches across species and causes. Friend Ode a willingness to challenge his own preconceived notions, to see the world, really see it. Friend Bill to live in the moment with others regardless of their station in life, their beliefs.

Flourishing requires being not only a member of a unique class of living things, but a unique member of that class. As all living things are. None is repeatable, each precious. And each has gifts the whole needs which can be give only when they live fully in their uniqueness.

 

“According to Aristotle, every living or human-made thing, including its parts, has a unique or characteristic function or activity that distinguishes it from all other things. The highest good of a thing consists of the good performance of its characteristic function, and the virtue or excellence of a thing consists of whatever traits or qualities enable it to perform that function well” Brittanica

Acting, Aging, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends

C’mon Dude

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Beltane and the Living in the Mountains Moon

art@willworthington

Thursday gratefuls: Acting. Hiking. Sleeping. Wondering. Black Mountain. Ski runs. Lodgepole Pines. That other trail. Kep, the patient boy. Heat. Air conditioning. Left over Chinese. Sarah helping Jon, Ruth, Gabe. Waking up late. Late. Dressing myself for tomorrow. The dream with Ron Solomon. Talking with Diane yesterday. Our roots. Sadness and wistfulness.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Myself

Tarot: Nine of Stones, Tradition

 

Golly. This morning? 8:45 am. Beginning to think late nights sap more out of me than I thought. And, I thought they took out a lot before. One more to go. Friday night and the Beatles Shabbat.

Meeting with Allen to run lines again. At the Parkside. I’m facing an existential crisis with acting at the moment. I know. I know. It’s just me. The way I grapple with the world. I didn’t do well yesterday and it made me want to run away. Because. I like to do things WELL. Tal said something however that stuck with me: Short-term memory is best in acting. That’s like sports. You can’t focus on the mistake, but on the next take, the next pitch, the next run through. Oh, but I can.

That’s the existential crisis. How can I push myself past the need to do well and accept mistakes as part of the process? I know it’s a soul journey thing for me. Probably a middah though I don’t know which one. Yes, I do. Savlanut. Patience. Not only with others but with myself. Also still practicing ichi-go, ichi-e. This moment, the only moment, is unrepeatable, unique. Therefore precious and valuable as it is. Not as I wish it to be.

So, my mission if I should choose to accept it is to recognize several things. First, I’m 75 and I haven’t acted in over 50 years. Second, I’m learning a new method and an almost new art form (for me). Third, I make mistakes. Of course, I do. And they do not diminish me as a person. Fourth. This is community theater. Not Broadway. Fifth. Come on, dude. Get over yourself. I mean…

 

Well. That’s enough for today. I have to get ready to go run lines with Alan. Wish me many mistakes from which I recover gracefully and learn lots.

 

 

 

 

Acting, Art and Culture, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Needing a Refresh Button

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Beltane and the Living In the Mountains Moon

art@willworthington

Wednesday gratefuls: Sarah. Gabe. Chinese food. Richard Powers. Jerry. Jon and Ruth. Tom. Durango. The railroad. Winds. Heat. Sealed driveway. Susan Taylor. Alan. Tal. Working on the Odd Couple. Kep. Mini-splits. Kate. The redoing of the house. My health. Evergreen Medical Center. They give a damn.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Sarah

Tarot: Page of Stones, Lynx

 

There are the seven seals in the Book of Revelations and    one petroleum based seal on my driveway. John came by yesterday and worked for three hours. Cleaning, then putting a rubber based liquid in the cracks. Spraying a black sticky coating of some sort of petroleum over the whole driveway.

John had a Louisiana phone number. I asked him about that. Oh, we’re seasonal. We work up here during the summer and early fall, then back to Louisiana. When I asked what he misses about Louisiana, he says, quickly, “The food.” He recommends Pappadeaux’s. No No’s is ok, but Pappadeaux’s is the real deal. I’ll try it soon.

 

Sarah (sister-in-law Sarah) came up with Gabe last night. Stayed until ten. Another late night. Late nights being defined as any night I can’t get to bed by nine. I tried going to ten but my body wouldn’t put up with it.

Sarah is here to help Jon get some necessary work done and items for his house. Sarah retired a few years back from a long and successful career as a classical violinist. She did solo work, trios and quartets, and taught for several years at Congress College in South Carolina.

Now she has become a key figure for the Johnson clan. I think she was third after Annie. Kate being the first born. I gave her a couple of books: Orfeo by Richard Powers, and I’m OK, You’re Not OK by Linda Budd, itself a gift to me from Tom.

On her death bed Kate and I finalized her bequests. Sewing stuff to Ruth, the Bailey Patchworkers got her stash, Ruth got most of her jewelry, but I remembered the jewelry she’d put in the safety deposit box. “Give it to Jerry.” That would be Jerry Miller, Sarah’s husband and a painter of landscapes in his version of the Group of Seven tradition.

Somehow boxing them up and getting the rings, necklaces, and raw gems mailed became a chore I couldn’t get done. I also had a moment when I thought. Hey, this stuff could be valuable. I should keep it. That didn’t last long. Kate was clear. And I have plenty of money thanks to Kate. So, no greed, please.

Glad to hand them over to Sarah and get them out of the house.

 

This morning I rolled out of bed at the crack of 7:30. About an hour, hour and a half after my usual time. A bit groggy. Two long nights and a third, the Beatles Shabbat this Friday still to come.

 

At 9 I talked to Cousin Diane of Clan Keaton as I do each week. This morning we veered into family territory. Could Grandma and Grandpa have been married after Grandma became pregnant? Gosh, gee whiz. This conversation started around a baby who died in his first month, Kenneth, and included a gold ring engraved 1905, Grandma and Grandpa’s wedding in 1910 (or, did they have a secret wedding).

The Keaton Clan, my mom’s family, had a lot of secrets and tragedies. Some engendered by manic-depression, some by rigid mid-century values about pregnancy, some by early death, and still more by genial criminal behavior. It’s a rich story that could fill a novel with ease. One spanning the Belle Epoque to Y2K and beyond. Family, eh?

 

At ten I drove to Evegreen Players for a meeting with Alan and Tal. Tal wanted to help us with our scene. Read: we’re not ready for prime time just yet. It was a difficult hour plus for me. I felt I was letting the side down. I kept dropping lines. Alan and Tal both reassured me that this was part of the process. Oh. Well. O.K.

In the end we got close to a finished scene. That is off book, blocking, scene dressing all working together. Still, I left with a headache. Feeling low.

 

Found a trail I haven’t used in a while and hiked it. Thought it would hit refresh for my spirit, but I spent too much time on it worrying about sunburn. OK, guy. This is getting silly.

 

An hour plus nap did hit the refresh button and I’m feeling much better as I write this around 4:30 pm. Yeah.

 

 

 

Anoka County, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Garden, Great Wheel, Health, Hermitage, Jefferson County, Memories, Minnesota, Mountains, Mussar, Our Land and Home, Park County, Plants, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, The West, Weather +Climate

Natural Healing

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Beltane and the Living in the Mountains Moon

art@willworthington

Friday gratefuls: My journey over a lifetime. Kate. Always. That trail. With the Creek, the Mountain Stream. The fallen Trees. The tall Pines. The Wild Strawberries. The Rocks. The steep valley walls. Wild Rose. Primrose. Those yellow Flowers I can’t identify. A place of great sanctity. A holy place. A sanctuary. Friends. Near and far.

Saturday gratefuls: Stephanie. That trail again. Happy Camper. Aspen Perks breakfast. Salad. Apples. Peanut Butter. The Continental Divide. Mt. Rosalie. Mt. Evans. Black Mountain. Staunton State Park. Richard Power’s Orfeo. Learning lines. Mini-splits. Jon. Money.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: That trail.

Tarot: Seven of Stones, Healing. And, Again.

Key words: “Give our minds a break, Calmness, Meditation, Stillness, Healing, Reevaluation, Patience, Perseverance, State of stability, Attentive care, Take time to relax and unwind, Connection to the source energy.”  tarotx.net

 

Forgot to finish this yesterday. A busy day. Over to Aspen Perks for breakfast: Salmon Eggs benedict. Reading Orfeo. After a morning with what people especially beyond Richmond Hill (think Pine, Bailey) call the camper and RV races. Or, the RV assholes. Or, those bastards. Folks from down the hill invading, driving too fast. Often with trailers in tow. Passing on curves. Generally being jerks. After Richmond Hill 285 goes from a four lane divided highway to a two lane, no dividers. That’s when things get clogged.

At 9 am I was still a bit ahead of the bulk of it. But I had a guy towing a trailer behind me, a BIG RV ahead of me for much of the way. Irritated locals often try to pass early. Not waiting for the passing lanes that come after the road to Staunton State Park. It’s a recipe for accidents. And, they happen. And, they kill people.

 

I was on my way to the Happy Camper for my every two months or so cannabis run. 25% off! for the whole month. Still digesting a Stanford study that says thc can increase inflammation in the veins and arteries around the heart. Gonna consider genistein to counteract this effect. Sleep is critical and my thc use has made 8 hours every night possible. Gonna contact my docs to see about safety and dosing.

 

As my avanah (humility) practice for the month, I’m using a focus phrase: ichi-go, ichi-e. Every moment is once in a lifetime, unique, precious. Trying to use it every time I encounter a living entity: Kep, Myself, Rocks, Lodgepoles, Elk, Friends, Waitress, other Diners, Birds, the Sun, Black Mountain. All the time. Sort of like the Jesus Prayer. Trying to make it subliminal, yet also present as I move around through my day.

In this way I can learn to take up the right amount of space in my life. Not too much, not too little. Not minimizing my gifts, not over emphasizing them. Making sure I remember to bring my whole self to each precious moment. Since it will not be repeated, it’s the only chance I have.

 

I have now hiked what I’ve begun to think of as my trail, at least when I’m on it, three times since Gabe and I were on it last Saturday. I may go again this morning. Yesterday after my time with Stephanie, Dr. Gonzales’ PA and a sweet lady, I hiked it with the ichi-go, ichi-e focus phrase.

I saw that patch of Wild Strawberry blooms and thought of Ingmar Bergman’s film of the same name. A favorite. The Mountain Rose Bushes are in full Flower, too, five white Petals brightening the trail. They will give way to Rose Hips as the Wild Strawberry Blooms will to Strawberries.

The little Stream, I don’t know its name, flows a bit less vigorously as the Snow melt and Rains subside. Still it sings, dancing over Rocks, falling down the Mountainside, continuing its creation of this holy Valley.

Oddly, as I thought about this trail last night, I realized I’ve done just this, exercised outside in spots that became favorites for a very long time. I used to hike the trail along the Mississippi down by the Ford Avenue Bridge. Then I moved on to the Crosby Nature Farm, also along the Mississippi. When I worked for the Presbytery, I often exercised or walked at the Eloise Butler Garden and Wildlife Sanctuary. 

In Andover I went to the Rum River Regional Park and snowshoed a trail through Woods behind the new library in the Winter, spent other times at Boot Lake SNA. Now I’m on my trail just off Brook Forest Road. Up here though the options are much more abundant. I’ve also been on Upper Maxwell Falls, The Geneva Creek trail outside of Grant, and plan to hit the Mt. Rosalie Trail soon.

My equivalent of the Celtic Christian practice of peregrinatio. The Skunk Cabbages are probably blooming right now at Eloise Butler. I miss seeing them and the bright yellow of the Marsh Marigolds. The power of the mighty Mississippi, too. Though a Mountain Valley is equal to them in its own way. Love the one you’re with. Eh?

Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Hermitage, Jefferson County, Judaism, Mountains, Mussar, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

They’re Back!

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Beltane and the Living in the Mountains Moon

Thursday gratefuls: MVP. Anavah. Humility. Spanakopita. Cancer. Chemo. Rich. Jamie. Judy. Susan. Heart moments. Acting class. Mussar. Ancient Brothers. Ancientrails. The trail. Walk slow one way. Fast both ways. Slow back. Kate’s memorial garden about to bloom. Orfeo by Richard Powers. Learning lines. Reading.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Greening of the Mountains. (can the pollen be far behind?)

Tarot: Knight of Vessels, The Eel

“With purity of intent, your destiny defined, you are able to bring wisdom and maturity to your tasks. Embarking on a quest of personal revelation, your vision leads you forward. Your deep feelings are expressed at every turn.” The Wild Wood Tarot Book, p.113

 

June, 2019

So excited! Been meaning to say here I expect the return of my Elk friends to eat the Dandelions. They first came the the day I started radiation now four years ago. Each year since three have come, one with a single horn. He’s back this morning! And he’s gotten bigger. A lot bigger. The other two aren’t here yet, but I imagine they will be if they’re still alive.

I love the rhythms of the natural world, especially when they happen so close to, or rather, at home. This, too, is Living in the Mountains. If this house were abandoned, these Elk would still come here. Wild. On their own. Living as they have for over 25 million years. About 8 times longer than humans. Maybe they’ve learned something we haven’t?

 

A solid workout yesterday. Cardio and resistance.

Learning lines. Scene from View from a Bridge. Alfieri. I have his lines down now, need to run them with Hamish for cues and rhythm. Odd Couples lines are off-book now, I think. Alan was sick Monday, so we didn’t run through them at class.

Later, MVP at CBE. Anavah. Humility. Taking up the right amount of space. Knowing yourself required. Neither too much of you, nor too little. Neither shrink away from what you can do, nor do more than you should. The practice: a slip of paper in each pocket. The right: “For my sake the world was created.” The left: “I am but dust and ashes.” When you feel a little low, less than, reach in the right pocket and pull out that slip of paper. When you feel over confident, reach into the left.

 

Driving back from Evergreen last night, the greening of the Forest splashed itself across Meadows and up Mountain sides. Beautiful. A sense of abundance.

They will, of course, soon begin to desport themselves in wild pollen orgies. Which will, of course, make me sneeze, gasp, itch. The mini-splits will get a chance to shine as I close the house, insisting on no plant sexual activity inside.

I’m all for it. Just not in my house. Do it out there in the Forest where Mother Nature intended.

Herbivore heaven right now. Succulent Grasses. Flowers. Green Shrubs. Aspen Leaves. Easy to reach.

Gonna go now. Take a few pictures of my one-horned friend. Hope his buddies come, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Acting, Dogs, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Hermitage, Jefferson County, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Gracie and the Momma Elk

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Beltane and the Living in the Mountains Moon

art@willworthington

Tuesday gratefuls: Acting lessons. Kep. No puppy. Proctitis. Radiation. The gift that keeps on giving. Prostate Cancer. Medical care. Dr. Gonzales. Kristie. A little low. Possibility of a recession. Blue Sky. Rain yesterday. Last day of Astrology class today. Disorientation. Sadness. A bit. Will to live. Orfeo by Richard Powers.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Evergreen Animal Protection League

Tarot: Queen of Stones, the Bear

“You are an inspiration, a mentor, and a positive role model for those around you. Share what you have and know that the Universe will send more.

…you are magnetic and will attract the right people and opportunity will come to you…set your intention to be for the Highest Good. Others will be drawn to your inner authenticity, abilities, and strength. There is sensuality at play here too. You are most attractive when you are just being you. Know this and show it…fully. Unleash the need to be anything else but exactly who you are.” tarotx.net

 

Well. Well. Well. Three times in a row. After three shuffles of the deck each time and three cuts. Guess the Wildwood deck has a message for me. Be a mother Bear. Be a mother Bear. Be a mother Bear. OK. OK. I’ll be a mother Bear. Third time is a Bear, too. If she shows up tomorrow, I’m going to invest in a set of claws.

Not really sure what to make of this. In the year since I learned about the Tarot I may have had the same card come up twice though I’d have to check. I know I’ve never had one come up three times in a row.

 

Feeling a little low today. Might be anemia. Proctitis, an unpleasant sequelae of 35 sessions of futile radiation, has flared. Blood loss. Taking steps. Not a serious issue, but not one to take lightly either. Feels like my medical stuff has become more and more complicated. Getting treatments for the secondary effects of my treatments. Geez.

Trusting my doctors, Kate. You were right. It relieves anxiety to put my trust in those trained to care for me. And, I will, assuming I feel they do care for me. Both as a person and a patient. Kristie and Kristen? For sure. As usual just laying this down on the page here, saying it out loud, calms me.

Started my new doubled dose of thyroid hormone replacement. Today. That should give me a boost of energy when it kicks in. Something I could use.

 

Felt off at acting lessons last night. Hard to focus. Seemed everyone had a nadir, too. Jill and Alan weren’t there. The Rock of Ages rehearsal in the other Evergreen Players space kept coming through the wall. Cold rain. Sort of a blah.

I give a ride to Deb to acting class. She and Robbie have a dog, Gracie. I mentioned her before. Gracie is thirteen and a very sweet dog. I always talk to her when I pick up Deb.

Robbie’s out of town and Gracie is in Bergen Bark Inn. A Cow Elk and her newborn took up residence in Robbie’s yard. The Cow charges cars and people. And, Gracie. It scared Gracie so much that she refuses to go outside while the Cow is there. Hence, Bergen Bark Inn. I saw the Elk last night when I picked up Deb. She did not charge my car.

Living in the Mountains requires adjustments. Our wild neighbors live here, too. Most of us try to interfere with them as little as possible. Aside from the roads, houses, lights, and noise we’ve already brought into their home.

So the Cow Elk stays and the dog goes to the kennel for a while. Reasonable choice up here.

 

In other doggy news. My application for Kahlua was denied. They did not agree with my answer about how to treat growling/biting behavior. No, no bad dog. Step on front feet. First lightly, then harder if necessary. They said, rightly I think, that they never support hurting an animal. I was too hasty in filling out the form, didn’t give a thought to how that answer might be read. In fact that was the cure to a Wolfhound jumping up on you. Never had to do it more than twice. Still. I take their point.

Maybe I’m meant to wait. Kep’s leg stopped bothering him. Grateful for that. Also, he’s back in the bed at night, even for naps. He may be moving through his grieving. I get it.

 

This mother Bear is hungry. My stomach is growling. Gonna get breakfast.

 

Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Kabbalah, Mussar, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Oooh, a puppy!

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Beltane and the Living in the Mountains Moon

art@willworthington

Sunday gratefuls: Ruth. For whom my heart aches. Gabe. For whom my heart sings. Jon. For whom my heart waits. Rebecca. A kindness. Alan. A fullness of friendship. Seeking the whole lev-the heart mind. Wholeness. Kep, my companion. The Denver Mtn. Parks Trail with Gabe. Covid. Grief. Kate, always Kate. Shavout.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth.

Tarot: Queen of Stones, Bear

 

“Grief is a heart-wrenchingly painful problem for the brain to solve… to live in the world with the absence of someone… ingrained in your understanding of the world… For the brain, [they are] simultaneously gone and also everlasting, and you are walking through two worlds at the same time.” from the Grieving Brain by Francis O’Connor. Marginalia 

This quote explained grief to me. In a way nothing else has. Since the experience is still fresh, I thought I’d pass it along. Grief lasts forever, grieving does not, O’Connor says. My experience, too. Grieving is over for me. At least in the main. But grief? No. Still sad and wistful. Still missing Kate. Still walking through two worlds. A beautiful phrase.

 

Had breakfast with Rebecca Martin yesterday at Parkside. Rebecca is a fellow kabbalah and mussar student. She’s 80, but very vital. Each year  she makes a months long journey to a Tibetan Buddhist nunnery near Dharamshala in northern India.

She started out teaching English there but has become a part of the community. Though she still teaches English. She had to take a break during Covid and isn’t sure when she’s going back. Have to admire that chutzpah. The plane ride alone. Yeah?

A good conversation.

While there, I met a Leonberger/Bernese Mountain Dog mix. A really big dog. Odin. Ten months old, still very much the puppy but almost Wolfhound height and weighing in at 140 pounds. Not mature. He was so funny and loving. Wagged his whole body. Made me want one.

 

Realized when Ruth and Jon came up later that my life has shifted again. I’m the Grandpa with a Mountain home and love that needs nothing in return. Which is not to say I don’t appreciate being loved. I do.

But they feel comfortable here because I’m comfortable here and with them. And with their individual dramas. Most of the time. A role shift from Jon’s mom’s husband and sorta grandpa to a key life figure for all three of them. Not really grandpa, not really father, just a guy who loves them and is willing to hang in there with them.

I’ve struggled with this, but have chosen to lean into it, make it what I’m here for until the kids are through high school. Doesn’t mean I can’t travel, be other places, but I’m staying here for now. Probably as long as I’m able.

 

Dogs have closed minds. As do other humans. We can’t see inside and know what’s going on. It occurred to me a week or so ago that Kep may not have gotten up on the bed with me because it reminded him of Rigel. May have smelled like her, too. The last few nights he’s gotten up on the bed and stayed through morning. I’ve asked him to, and, yes, I believe he understands. It feels like he’s decided to push past his grieving to comfort me. Feels like a treasure.

I’ve also decided to get a puppy. Gonna do it. Kep will bond with the puppy over time, not be mean to it. A female. And, I don’t care what the breed is. Just filled out an application for Kahlua, a German Shepherd mix. We’ll see out what happens. Oooh, a puppy!