• Category Archives Third Phase
  • Post remnant from Thursday

    Osatara and the Moon of Mourning

    Thursday gratefuls: Kate, always Kate. Her memorial service and each of those who attended. Each person who has Kate in their heart right now. Ruth, who offered to stay with me last night and the night before. And, did. Jon, who saw Kate’s spirit before she died. Gabe. Kep and Rigel. The Woolly Mammoths.

    Sparks of Joy: Ritual and its healing power. Sitting shiva. SeoAh’s arrival.

    Wednesday I drove down the hill on an icy Shadow Mountain Drive. Evergreen Memorial Park. Finish the details of Kate’s cremation. When I left, as I realized suddenly what I had done, I had to stop, put my hand out and steady myself on the door jamb. Goodbye to the earthly container, the thing of Malkut.

    Kate has returned to the cycle of life, ready to join the upcoming surge of spring and the growth of Beltane. As you, as I, move through this turning of the Great Wheel, she can walk with us, point out the energy and the power from her side of the veil. The gardener in her delights in this time and I delight in it with her.

    As her condition deteriorated, I bought two sets of emergency call lights, synched them and place them around the house and up in the loft. We never used them. This morning, when I came up to the loft to write this, the receiver next to my computer blinked off and on, blue light flickering. I plan to let it blink until it runs out of energy.

    We decided that I would I sit shiva, go through the mourning rituals. And, I am. There’s a lot about it that I don’t understand, most of the rules I don’t know, but CBE will guide me through it. Rabbi Jamie and my buddy Alan Rubin.

    The torn garment, or torn ribbon, represents rending of life by the fact of death. I’m choosing a black ribbon to tear.

    Not sure whether we’ll do seven nights (shiva means seven), probably not, but on Sunday night there will be a shiva minyan, requiring at least 10 members. A service very like the one done on Wednesday will be held.

    Of all the statements made about Kate over the last week, the one that touched my heart most came from Lisa Deutsch, a CBE member and member of the Thursday mussar group Kate and I attended, “She was,” Lisa wrote, “what you would call a good Jew.” That makes me so happy because Kate considered her Jewishness a primary fact of her life, one she was only able to honor fully after we joined CBE.

     


  • She was joyful

    Ostara and the Moon of Mourning

    Friday gratefuls: Kate. Seoah. Ruth. Important women in my life. CBE, our once and future life together. Woolly Mammoths. Snow. Once more, deep. Grief and its sad currents. Evergreen Memorial Park. Kep, who had to get up early today.

    Sparks of Joy: The card from Carol Horger. “Kate brought yellow flowers to our class to remind us of joy. She was joyful.” Yes.

    Mother’s Day, 2016

    Life has changed, Kate gone. It’s like an unassembled puzzle with familiar pieces, yet a new picture waiting to emerge. Don’t know how long it will take to put it back together. But I’m confident. A new way of being. One informed by who I am and who Kate was and is in my heart. Lies ahead, is underway. Days pass and the reality of her absence becomes clearer, more solid. Less fear and pain, more memories and consolation.

    I stood at the window yesterday, looking out over our driveway, and felt Kate watching the snow with me. She loved the mountains and watching the snow come down among the Lodgepole pines. Me, too. Her eyes and mine, one.

    As I hear more about her, from so many, I wonder how I found such a remarkable woman. How she found me. The world has its ways of bringing together improbable matches. Ours was one.

    Yet it fed both of us. Lifted us up, made us more than we might have been. Her whisper in my heart’s ear will not vanish. She will read my new novels as I write them. Admire my amateur paintings, encourage me to take on new challenges. Her body is gone, but her heart lives on, synching as it always has with mine.

    She was my true love, the one who knew me better than I knew myself.

    I miss her. I love her. I’m so happy she entered my life. Grateful.


  • Rachel’s Obituary

    Ostara and Kate’s Moon

    Kate Olson has died. She was a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a pediatrician, a gardener, lover and mother of dogs, a bee keeper, a quilter, a needleworker, a master cook, and crossword puzzle completer.

    She was also Rachel since her early 30’s after her conversion to Judaism at Temple Israel in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

    Kate died April 14th after a long illness, over three years, wore out her body.

    Kate loved me (her husband) with a love that made me a better person and she told me my love for her made her a better person. No marriage can wish for more.

    A tribute from a friend who got Kate right:

    “She seemed fearless, walked to her own drummer and if she wanted to do something she damn well did it.”

    As her long illness pushed past her body’s ability to cope, she chose to move to hospice care. Her choice. A brave one, someone said. Yes, it was brave, and yet it was typical.

    I will miss her at a level and in a way no words can express. The joy she brought me will be a constant resource when times are tough. Again.

     

     

     

     


  • Tough

    Ostara and Kate’s Moon

    Saturday gratefuls: Kate’s clear head, her choices. Death with dignity as an option. The Ancient Friends. Rabbi Jamie. CBE. Sleep. Kep and Rigel.

    Sparks of Joy: Sarah calling the Long Term Care folks. A Golden with his head out the window of a pickup truck.

    I know about true love. And, about bad love. Kate and I lived and loved into each other, saying yes. Saying of course you can. Of course we can. In bad love you hear and say no, you can’t do that. I don’t want to. Not now.

    We bring out the depth of each others soul. Kate’s needle gifts, her love of Mother Earth, Flowers, Vegetables, Dogs, Fruit. Grandchildren. Sons. My writing. My love for Mother Earth, Flowers, Vegetables, Dogs, Fruit. Grandchildren. Sons. Not hidden, not wished for, but acted upon.

    Supporting each other, even when the world might not agree. Have 7 Wolfhounds and two Whippets? Sure. Put in an orchard? Of course. Go around Latin America. No question. Move to Colorado? Not only that, let’s go up in the mountains. End life on your own terms? Yes, if that’s what you need.

    This ancientrail of human life may have come close to an end for Kate. She wants to consider death with dignity. I imagine she’ll choose it. Does it make me scream inside? Yes. Does it make me sad? Yes. Will I support her? Yes, as in all things.

    This is stark. It means a time certain, not an ambiguous, drawn out process. But, the end is the same. And, it’s coming for Kate, as it is for us all. Just sooner for her.

    I cried a lot last night. Sat up with friends talking. Then, slept well. No anxiety. This is sad. Not unexpected. No details yet. It’s not decided decided. But I know Kate. Once she broached this idea, her mind was close made up.

    It makes sense to me. She was told she’d have to wear the bipap at least at night from now on. She hates it. It’s intrusive, invasive, and claustrophobic. There is no hope she’ll come off of it. Also, she’s exhausted from a two and a half year struggle with first this, then that.

    She’s so frail, her breathing labored, her movement restricted to bed, mostly. No magic bullet. No procedure. No medications left.

    What would you do?


  • Easter Morning

    Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

    Sunday gratefuls: Broad spectrum antibiotics. Kate’s will. Jamie Bernstein. Easter and Passover and Spring. Friends. Rabbi’s. Countryfolk. Mountains. Dogs.

    Sparks of Joy: Kate’s blood cultures negative for infection. Exhaustion, but exhaustion held in the care and concern of so many others.

    Kate at Mama’s Fish House

    Been thinking, a lot, about the holidays: Ostara, Easter, Passover. How they hold the wonder and awe of Spring and apply it to our human lives. On Maundy Thursday (no, I never remember what that means) Kate was in severe crisis. She had a crowd of nurses, physician’s assistants, respiratory therapists, a pulmonologist. All working carefully, quickly, urgently.

    I had a hushed conversation in the hallway with the physician’s assistant and Dr. Fenton, the pulmonologist, about resuscitation.  Asking hard questions. Trying to be true to the situation, to her wishes, to the possible.

    She survived the crisis, her blood pressure down and her breathing more stable. She moved to the 10th floor where she could be treated with nurses who work with more complicated cases.

    Her situation got better, but death still seemed as plausible as recovery. On Good Friday, her lucidity returned, she made it off the bipap (a small mask that is actually a treatment for the pneumonia, among other things), and her white cell count continued to come down.

    Yesterday we found her blood borne infection was gone. Though it still needs a four to six week bout of IV antibiotics to make it sure it doesn’t resurface. She passed her swallow study so she can drink and eat. Prognosis still guarded, but less so now.

    Her friend, Jamie, reported she looks good. Jamie stayed all night with her.

    It’s Easter morning.


  • My Sister, Rigel

    Ostara and the Ovid Moon of the Metamorphoses

    Monday gratefuls: Heart to heart with Kate. Sweet and sad. Rigel, her head on my pillow most of the night. Vaccines. Salivary glands. 45 Mar-a-logged out. 46 looking more FDR’y everyday. Grief in Boulder. Stimulus checks mailing on April 2nd.

    Sparks of Joy: Truth spoken from deep within.

     

    Rigel

     

    Rigel. Dogged. After her multi-thousand dollar hospitalization last August for endocarditis, she developed a gimpy left back leg. She fell sometimes, tried to climb the stairs to the loft and got stuck. Once she made it up to my balcony on the second story over the garage, got part way down and tumbled the rest of the way. She is not a cat.

    So. I have created a dog barrier at the bottom of my stairs. Two outdoor chairs placed together which I move going up and down. Sure, a gate would be better and I think Jon may have finished one. But. Covid. Someday soon perhaps.

    This morning. I’m sitting here finishing my spark of joy. Woof. Woof. Woof. A deep bark came from out my chamber door. Quoth the Canine, here I am!

    Yes, Rigel had moved a chair and climbed the stairs to come visit. Sweet, you might say. Really it was a treat run for her. I gave her one, went down the stairs with her, she navigated them with ease, and I altered my chairs to better guard the stairs.

    She beat the endocarditis, prances and jumps, hunts for the critters that live under our deck and shed, and has made it into her thirteenth year. Worth every penny.

    I’ve called the dogs family members for a long time, as do many. Only lately I’ve realized it’s not a paternal relationship; it’s a fraternal and sororal one. Kep is my brother. Rigel is my sister. We live in mutuality, Kate and me, Rigel and Kep with both of us. We take care of each other. Through good times and bad.

     

    Same thing, said another way by Rilke:

    Mother Earth, isn’t this what you want

    To arise in us invisible?

    Is it not your dream, to enter us so wholly

    there’s nothing left outside us to see?

    What, if not transformation,

    is your deepest purpose? Earth, my love,

    I want that too. Believe me,

    no more of your springtimes are needed

    to win me over — even one flower

    is more than enough. Before I was named

    I belonged to you. I seek no other law

    but yours, and know I can trust

    The death you will bring.

    ~Rainer Maria Rilke~


  • Considerations

    Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

    Saturday gratefuls: Tough towels. Morning lucidity. Vaccines. Kate’s appointment today. Georgia GOP. No doubt now about their racist, oligarchic ideology. The Voting Law. Ditching the filibuster.

    Sparks of Joy: Vaccine #2 on April Fool’s Day.

    Gabe’s bris

    Miracles in my world. The greening of the Lodgepoles. The leafing out of the Aspen. (both of these I’m anticipating) A Black Mountain decked in white. Iris rhizomes throwing up stalks for another year. (this, too, anticipated) Fawns. Calves. Colts. Life. Abundant and rich. Puppies. Dogs. Love. Mountains. Justice. Memories. So many, everywhere. Hallelujah.

    Oh. Terrible night. Kate talking throughout the night, explaining her dreams to herself, she said. Lotsa lost sleep for both of us. Makes everything more difficult.

    Contacted Jewish Family Service in Denver. They’re sending a social worker out who specializes in gerontology. With her we’ll develop a plan, perhaps, plans, that we can use to define our next year, few years. Housing options. In-home health care options. That sort of thing.

    There are lots of services available but knowing which ones exist, which might come to the mountains, costs, is difficult. At best. Same with housing options including, but not limited to, buying another home.

    Kate’s healthspan, lifespan are critical, but unknown. I imagine this will include some more time with Dr. Thompson, consulting. Mine are, too, but I’m the more functional at the moment. Dogs are a crucial element. Our stuff is less of an issue. We can sell or keep. My library can be sold in whole or in part. In that sense we’re portable. Except for the Dogs.

    I suppose you could say, why didn’t they consider all this before they moved to the Mountains? Fair enough. We did give it cursory attention, but we both felt good, were planning for a healthier time than we got. Didn’t happen.

    Shadow Mtn. Drive, down the hill a mile from home. Black Mtn ahead

    Living in the Mountains is a big adventure for us, something we wanted long before we decided to move. I don’t regret it, not for a minute. Even if it seems foolish. Even if it was foolish. To lose a sense of adventure, of new possibilities, is to die before the grave.

    We’ve had six years so far. A really long vacation in a place people come to from all over the world. Would I make the move knowing what I know now? Maybe not, so I’m glad we did it without knowing.

    Rigel and a bull Elk in our back a day before my first radiation treatment.

    My hope is that we will find a combination of home health care services that allow us to remain here. Moving the Dogs would be very difficult. They’re both older, Rigel beyond the expected life span of large breed Dogs at 12, and Kep turning 10 this year.

    I’m still alive, healthy for 74. Love Kate, the dogs, our house, family, extended and birth, our CBE friends, my Ancient friends. I love reading, learning, writing, creating. Colorado and the West. The humid East. The Midwest. The Mountains and all of our wild Neighbors. Neither resigned to life, nor resigning from it.

    Ready for this moment and the next. Here I come.


  • Want Peace? Work for Justice.

    Ostara and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

    Sunday gratefuls: Justice. Ancient ones. Kate’s up. Snow coming. And, then, again. And, maybe, again. Living in the Mountains. Planning to stay. At least today. Billions, a TV show available on Amazon Prime Video. Korea. India. My beautiful and much loved Asians, Joseph and Seo-Ah.

    Sparks of Joy: Vaccines. Seasonal change underway.

    Justice, justice. If you want peace, work for justice. Justice has been a key driver in my life. It was the topic of conversation this morning among the Ancient Friends: Tom Crane, William Schmidt (most Ancient), Paul Strickland, Mark Odegard, and myself.

    As I thought about it, I wondered where I got my ideas of justice, why does it burn so in my heart? My mother loved everyone she met. Or, at least my 17 year old self thought so. Then, she died. I’ve since learned that ever her version of love could be disfigured by prevailing prejudice. In particular the one in the 1950’s that found only shame in teen and/or unmarried pregnancy. That’s a side trip so I won’t go into detail right now. But my heart, the one shaped by her until she died, had love everyone imprinted upon it.

    I didn’t, of course. I made fun of a Down’s Syndrome girl at school. Then, because I felt guilty (as I should have), I walked over to her house and apologized to her and her mother. Even so, the germ of condemning difference lived in me. And, still does.

    Part of justice, an important, but insufficient part, lies in recognizing our own propensity to use second characteristics like level of wealth, skin color, country of origin, language, degree of hygiene as markers for a deeper truth about an individual. For example, just because racism might seem to allow it in the hearts of liberal/radical Americans, white trash is not an acceptable epithet.

    So, a first step toward justice lies in owning our complicity, our own tendency to make assumptions about others, then act on those assumptions when we make decisions about friends, marriage, selection for a grade school baseball team, voting for elected officials, where we take our business. Choices that determine the shape and vitality of our communities, our lives need examination by an inner gatekeeper that asks the question, why this choice? Why this friend? Why this grocery store? Why this bike shop? Why this country to visit? Why this candidate?

    Another, next level step toward justice, recognizes the myriad ways in which our culture (and, others, we didn’t invent the -isms) tilts itself toward certain groups and away from others. Mass incarceration of people of color far outside their percentage representation in the population. A criminal justice system that puts a thumb on the scales of justice for a Black offender, a Latinx offender, and lifts that same thumb for white offenders. The recent killing of six Asian women in Atlanta is an excellent example. “He was having a bad day,” said the police chief.

    Many folks, perhaps most, stop here. They examine themselves and try to act in a just manner. They recognize the unjust nature of our education, health care, and military institutions. And, they decry it. They may even go to the length of choosing a Senator, or President because they promise action on these evils. And, as my buddy Paul might say, “Good on’em.”

    Another, harder step takes you to the next level beyond personal recognition and recognizing bigotry and prejudice as part of the warp and woof our society. At this level you start trying for change. This is where If you want peace, work for justice aims you.

    Working for change can be hard. You have moved beyond the personal to the systemic. No longer can you work on yourself only, but you must work on the system itself. This requires others. Education, health care, criminal justice, poverty, religious bigotry have roots.

    Here’s a personal example. When my then wife, Raeone Buckman, and I bought a house in the Cooper neighborhood of Minneapolis, I got out the actual deed to the property and read through it. Just because. “No Jew or Negro may purchase this house.” Yes, a codicil on that deed. Words to that affect.

    Thankfully the 1964 Civil Rights Act nullified that poisonous declaration. But consider, 1964! I was already 17 in 1964. My mother died that year. In other words, pretty recent. Until 1964 realtors could have used such a covenant to steer families of color to other locations. If pressed, they could say, well, we really can’t look in that area. Cooper was still pretty white when Raeone and I moved in.

    Think about this. Those covenants, and they were very common across the U.S., got cozy with redlining and concentrated Jews in ghettos, Blacks in the same. 1964. Shakes head. Slaps forehead. Says, Jesus!

    As a result elementary schools, which drew from the neighborhood, reflected those covenants. Police were much more likely to patrol 35th and Chicago than 41st and Lake where I lived. Why? Because a large Black community lives in and around 35th and Chicago. In Chicago many housing projects found police, paramedics, and other first responders refused to enter. Because they didn’t feel safe.

    Pick up one of these threads. Segregated schools. Slow emergency response, too eager arrests, a lack of affordable housing. Look at it. Find an organization that has remedying that problem. Volunteer. Put your heart and body into it. Not a panacea. Doesn’t make you righteous, but it does mean you’ve gone beyond an individual response to a community oriented one.

    Last step I’ll mention here though the Stairway to Heaven has way more than four. Get political. Yes, get your hands on the sausage. Elect candidates who want police reform, who want affordable housing for all. Go deeper. Organize with others to get delegates to caucuses, conventions elected. These delegates choose candidates, set party platforms. This is the party political step.

    There are others. Become a member of a radical political group. Become a white ally to a Black organization, like Black Lives Matter. Work to build a different set of assumptions about all humanity. You can do it. But, you have to start.


  • They Say It’s His Birthday!

    Spring! and the Ovid Moon of Metamorphoses

    Shoutout to birthday boy Publius Ovidius Naso, or Ovid as we know him in the English speaking west. He’d be two thousand and fifty-four today.

    Saturday gratefuls: Safeway pickup. Kabob skewers. Kate’s fluid flowing. Psalms class finish. New class start April 9. Writing poetry. Colorado Mountain Sun. Ancient ones on Justice. Vaccines. April Fool’s Day: shot II for me.

    Sparks of Joy: Unclogging Kate’s feeding tube and avoiding another ER adventure. Wu wei, the Way of my life.

    March 1, meteorological spring. No romance in that one. March 20, today, 5:37 MST, the Vernal Equinox. Spring. Ostara. Bunnies and crosses and parting of seas, oh my! Lots of romance, lots of theological pulling and hauling. This religion defining moment: resurrection and another: the Exodus. I settle these days for the Sun and the Earth’s celestial equator. See this explainer if you need more. More or less equal hours of Sun and night.

    Yes. We’ve moved from the transitional time of Imbolc to the birthing blooming buzzing time. Spring. No wonder the Anglo-Saxons, those Northern European ancestors of so many of us, chose a fertility goddess, Eostre, to celebrate. Estrogen. Ostara. Easter. Yes, the Catholics took her name, added it to the resurrection celebration, and, voila: Easter!

    Jesus as Eostre. A dying and rising God like Tammuz, Adonis, Attis, Dionysus, Osiris, or Jesus seem like good company for a fertility goddess. Any gardener can testify to the thrill of planting dusty brown clumps of vegetative matter in the Fall of the year and in the Spring of the next year, the rapture of a moistened bed pierced by green shoots, then Tulips, Crocus, Grape Hyacinth, Iris, Lilies in colorful flower.

    Isn’t resurrection a matter of taking a dead thing, or what appears to be a dead thing, putting it away, and having it rise out at the right time? If you listened to the Southern Gospel Revival’s rendition of “Ain’t No Grave” )two posts below this one), you heard the line, “Ain’t no grave, can keep my body down.” Further on, “When that trumpet sounds, I’m a risin’ from the ground.” Could be sung by every Tulip bulb I ever planted.

    This is the right time to celebrate those things you may have planted a while back, projects or dreams that have needed some time in the grave or the soil or the unconscious.

    It’s also the right time to look at the bed you’ve tended, the one in which you planted them, your life. There might be weeds, or, as I prefer, plants out of place. Note that this means you may have good habits or plans or projects that have become plants out of place in your life. You may have to remove them so your new projects and dreams will flourish.

    Ask Eostre for help. You might find her in your anima, perhaps buried in your shadow. She’ll burst out, give things a boost up, if you let her. I’m sitting right now on Shadow Mountain, imagine what lies beneath.


  • A Good Day

    Imbolc and the waning Megillah Moon

    Thursday gratefuls: Kate, feeling better with a new placement of her feeding tube. Our 31st anniversary. Vaccine shot #1! Vaccines. Polio. Snow. Big Snow. Living in the mountains.  Ruby, sure footed on the snow. Blizzaks.

    Sparks of Joy: Vaccine shot #1! Vaccines. Kate. Seeing her yesterday.

    Kate on our 2011 cruise around Latin America, Santa Marta, Colombia

    What a day yesterday. A good day. Needed one. Went into see Kate. Can’t miss seeing your wife on your anniversary, right? She looked and sounded wonderful, better than she has for weeks. I took her an empty olive jar filled with wine. Looked like a urine sample since it was white wine. I figured the hospital would be less likely to reject a glass jar than a wine bottle.

    31 years. Good ones. We’ve been places together, grown flowers and vegetables, raised many dogs, and have two wonderful sons.

    Her self-advocacy convinced the interventional radiologists to snake her feeding tube lower, getting it all the way into the jejunum. We’d expected that placement during her surgery to create the feeding site.

    This puts the tube further down, out of the small pouch of her stomach created during her bariatric surgery. Hopefully this will mean less or no leaking, allow a faster feeding pace, and better absorption of the nutrients and calories. Since malnutrition is a major, perhaps the primary, medical issue for her at this point, we may see some significant improvements. Yeah! Go, Kate.

    Love is a verb. Love guides and wills you to act. And, love is the act itself. Life without love is a sterile desert, nothing blooms. Flower for those you love.

    First vaccine dose. Pfizer. Left arm. No pain or swelling. I sat in a socially distanced chair afterward, a small plastic timer stuck to a doorjamb behind my head. 15 minutes. Carla, the nurse, watched the long hallway filled with just shot folks. My timer beeped and I could go on with the rest of my day. And, I was that much closer with being able to go on with the rest of my life.

    Even with the chaos of the weekend and the last three days I felt jubilant. A positive, wonderful step toward dealing with the virus instead of passively trying to stay out of its way. After a year.

    45 in the rearview. One of two jabs complete. Kate feeling better. The stimulus passed. A big snowstorm on its way. I could get giddy.

    I started yesterday with a trip to Bailey, The Happy Camper. (THC, get it?) Bought my Cheebachews for a good nights sleep. Had to wait until around 10 am so 285 could clear the snow and ice collected over night. That’s the beauty of the Solar Snow Shovel. The continental divide snakes along the horizon just after Pine. Snow covered.

    On the way home I stopped at Scooter’s Barbecue. Voted the top barbecue joint in all of Colorado two years in a row. And it’s in Conifer. Odd, but true.

    The guy who runs it is a linebacker sized guy, Southern. Thick accent. “I have this catering job, a Mexican wedding in South Park this Saturday. I’ve told them we’ll not be here on Saturday, that they have to pick it up on Friday.” He shook his head, “These people.” I waited for a racial slur, “They just don’t understand March in Colorado.” Ah. Good.

    We’ll keep yesterday as one of the good days.