Category Archives: Shadow Mountain

Astrology, Dogs, Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Holidays, Judaism, Kabbalah, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

MOT

October 21, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Fall and the Moon of the Thinned Veil

Thursday gratefuls: Mike Rogers. Bear Creek. Rigel, a warning bark at 4:45. Then, continued warning for a good bit. Noisy girl. Kep slept. Blue Mountain Kitchens. Going with their proposal. Cool nights. The new fitted sheet. Dan Herman and his gifts. A full workout. HIIT. Starting today. CBE. A community of friends, a tribe. My tribe.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Golden coins scattered across the driveway

Tarot: The Moon, #18 of the Major Arcana

I’ve fallen in love. No. Not that kind. Never say never but I’m not seeking a new relationship. At all. No, this love is with the Rocky Mountain Fall. The Elk rut. The shofar of the Mountains, the bugling Bull Elks. Hyperphagia rampant within the Bear Tribe. The gradual change of the Aspens from their quaking green Leaves to small dabs of gold as each Tree transforms, heavy with gold coin.

Each morning I get up, come upstairs and the driveway has a scattering of those coins against its black surface, illuminated by the rising Sun. My heart beats a little faster.

Not just the Rocky Mountain Fall. The Spring, too. Even the too dry Summers. The mad dash of the melting Snow throwing itself down the many Creeks, headed toward the World Ocean, oh so far away. Winter. Ah, the darkness. The Sky at night. Orion returned. Clear Sky.

Kate said she felt like she was on vacation every day. I feel at home. And we both stayed in spite of or rather because of the Altitude. 8,800 feet. High and lifted up.

Speaking of high. Only in Colorado. The past president of CBE, Dan Herman, brings me Vegetables from his Garden. Yesterday bright orange Carrots, sweet red Tomatoes, and a miniature Cantaloupe. Plus. A small plastic baggie of Marijuana buds, still curing. I burnt the resin off the scissors and was high for 4 hours! he said. Smiling.

Breakfast with Marilyn and Irv on Monday. Alan and I will have breakfast on Monday here in Aspen Park. Rabbi Jamie on Tuesday afternoon. Luke and Elisa teaching the Torah and the Stars class on Tuesday morning. The MVP meeting last week with Rich and Ron, Tara and Marilyn, Susan.

Got lucky when I married Kate. In so many ways. Who knew her conversion to Judaism, long before I met her, would have such a wonderful impact on me after her death? This small tribe gives me the human element, along with Jon, Ruth, and Gabe for my Rocky Mountain home. Like an Aspen Grove, connected beneath the soil. Not clones, hardly, but the same symbiosis. Nurturing each other. Making life possible and worthwhile.

Rigel sent up an alarm bark at 4:45 am this morning. She has a big chest. Loud. And she continued for a while. Not sure what it was. Could have been a Bear or a Mountain Lion. But. When I went in the kitchen, I noticed that one of Dan’s gift Tomatoes was half gone. Rodent sized teeth marks on it. Maybe Rigel got it, or them? Probably not, but I can hope.

More money stuff today. Refi work. Bills to pay.

Returning to HIIT. High intensity interval training. Gotta get my cardio back up in the sweat zone. HIIT is more time efficient, yes, but it also impacts whole body health. Left it behind a few months ago. Picking it up again.

Coyote HVAC is on hold. David is still sick. Going to next Monday. These guys are kind, understanding, and stand up honest. Pretty damned refreshing.

Tomorrow AM Judi from Blue Mountain Kitchens comes by with the new cabinet guy. Measuring. Checking. I’m going with them. The Bear Creek proposal was about twice what I had to spend. Got a sweet message back though from Mike Rogers offering to check Blue Mountain’s proposal. You can lean on us as friends, too, he wrote.

Think I could get a little sappy about the kindness of strangers. And, familiars.

Astrology, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Health, Kabbalah, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Busy. Busyness?

October 20, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Fall and the (full) Moon of the Thinned Veil

Beth Alpha Synagogue, Greco-Roman period, Jerusalem. Zodiac

Wednesday gratefuls: Lisa, the respiratory therapist. Dr. Emrie, pulmonologist. Ruby, my hot ride. Elisa and Luke, teaching Torah and the Stars. Rabbi Jamie and his wisdom. Midnight Mass. Very, very dark. Blue Mountain Kitchens. Rigel, the night barker and early riser. Kep, with me.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Grief’s work within me

Tarot: Queen of Pentacles, Druid

I’m retired. Right? Yeah. Then why do my days seem so full of late? Take Monday. And, yesterday.

Get up. Feed dogs. Write ancientrails. Eat breakfast. Some (too brief) cardio. Tarot and the Stars. Finish that. Take a shower. Wait for electrician. Light lunch. Into Lakewood for an appointment with Dr. Emrie, pulmonologist. Back up the hill to the post office. Finally mail that package to Max. Over to Aspen Park Dental for Dental release for an osteopenia drug. Home for 20 minutes. Off to CBE for a time with Rabbi Jamie. Come home. Feed dogs. Heat up a Marie Callendar meal. Eat. Watch TV. Go to bed.

Rigel. Barking, barking in the middle of the night. Insistent. I ignored her and went back to sleep. A while later. Again. Insistent. Got up. 5:30 am. Gonna be 4:30 very soon. OK. OK. I’m getting up. Geez. Just wait. She and Kep went outside. Morning meds. Make coffee. Let Kep and Rigel in. Give Rigel carprofen. Food for them.

Now I’m in the Loft, writing ancientrails. So far like yesterday just pushed ahead an hour by Rigel the wonder dog. I wonder what she was up to?

Checked Wells-Fargo. Ode to Joy! A ten-thousand dollar injection from Uncle Sam. Social Security back dated to April. And, updated to spousal benefits. Thank you, Kate. Feel like I just crossed the final line in a slow motion run that’s now 7 months long.

Let’s go backwards yesterday. Rabbi Jamie at CBE. I had three things to talk about with him. First, I told him he was the best teacher I’ve ever had. Why? I got trained in academics as a blood sport, disputative, competitive, no holds barred. You have taught me appreciative inquiry. I can learn from books and articles, people and ideas that I might have dismissed as wrong headed, illogical, or just plain wrong. I did not add, but will soon, that he’s truly learner centered, vastly knowledgeable, and Socratic.

Then I asked him about grief. I told him I felt good. And, wondered if that was ok, was I honoring Kate? He confirmed what I thought. I grieved with her over her long illness. I took care of her and have no regrets in that, or any other regard, related to her death. Also, she chose to die. Neither my burden, nor guilt. Her family and I were together and supportive of each other in her final days.

I didn’t add but will now. Sitting shiva was healing, as was the service. Also, I’ve had the comfort of friends near and far. Family, too. Edging my way into that new life, Kate present in blessed memory.

Finally, I asked him about how to support Jon. He agreed that the bounded financial help I’ve given has clear limits and that my approach makes sense. He did suggest occasional conversations with Ruth and Gabe to see how they’re holding up. I have those, but not often, since Jon’s usually here when they are. I’ll make more of a conscious effort.

Walked out of the synagogue into a golden Leaf splattered late afternoon, a chill Wind coming off the Mountains to the West, and light Rain falling.

Before that I’d seen Dr. Emrie. A good report, this is a good report, he said. Referring to the spirometer test Lisa took last Thursday. You’re fine for now and there things we can do if you begin to get short of breath or these numbers go down. Left that appointment feeling good about my lungs. Not gonna spend much time on them in my head, though I do have a more vigorous core workout segment in my new program.

The electrician that contracts with Coyote HVAC came to take pictures of the areas where he had to work. David’s been sick the last two days, so they’re a day or so behind. No big deal. I imagine they’ll finish this week.

While waiting on him I got good news from Blue Mountain Kitchens. The new cabinet maker whose website I posted last Thursday. He will match the cabinet estimates in Blue Mountain’s bid. Means I’ll get much more sophisticated cabinetry at a price I already know I can afford. Unless Bear Creek really wows me, I’m going with Blue Mountain.

Torah and the Stars began to get into the deep end. The Sefer Yetzirah is the first book in the Jewish Kabbalistic tradition.

“He bound twenty-two letters on his tongue, and the Holy One, blessed be He, revealed the secret him. He drew them with water. He burnt them with fire. He agitated them with breath. He burned them with seven stars. He directed them with twelve constellations.” SY, long version, (6:6)

We looked at zodiac signs according to the Jewish calendar. My birthday is in the month of Shevat. We discussed our birthday parsha, mine is Mishpatim, Exodus 21-24. We also looked at an early Jewish take on what the day of the week means and what it means to be born on a particular day. Friday in my case.

This course has a lot of content, just like the Tarot class, and most of it new to me. What I like. I can swim in this ocean.

Before that was the usual day with ten minutes of cardio.

All those anima related major arcana cards, the Rebirth card, the Queen of Pentacles I drew this morning have been signalling a new way, a new life. I’m living into it. Right now.

Astrology, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Health, Judaism, Kabbalah, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Travel

Good for Her Age

October 19, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Fall and the Moon of the Thinned Veil

Tuesday gratefuls: Marilyn and Irv. Julie Freshman. Alan. Dr. Palmini on Rigel, “She looks so good for her age.” 13 December 1st. Mark and Mary. Diane. Tom and Roxann. Suffering. Jon, too. Ruth and Gabe. Social Security. Finally responsive. A neon Hermit sign.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: A neon Hermit sign

Tarot: Two of Wands, Druid. second day in a row…

Ta dah. First. Got through the Lakewood Social Security office phone maze. Tends to drop you out with no warning. Live human! Who empathized and contacted the guy who had my application for spousal benefits. Who in turn said he had adjudicated it that very day and it was “out for payment.” 3-5 business days. We’ll see about that. I started the process in April. April. That’s the last major item of the administrative matters necessitated by Kate’s death. I think.

Had lunch with Marilyn and Irv Saltzman. Aspen Perks. Their food is better than in the past. We talked philosophy, science, grandkids, mountain living. Good friends. I appreciate the chance to see them regularly.

Marilyn is the chairperson of the Mountain Resource Center board. A multi-service organization. Lot of poor folks in the mountains. Food bank. Resale store where a lot of Kate’s clothing went. Employment assistance. Counseling. Folks up here who give a damn. Mitzvah. Tikkun Olam.

Alan chaired the Ovation West board for two years. Rabbi Jamie organized the Interfaith Alliance for Colorado and the Evergreen Homeless shelter. Rich has served on the Special Olympics Colorado board for six years and volunteered for years before that.

Don’t know about other Beth Evergreeners but I’m sure there are many other examples. I know Nancy Friedman puts out a weekly e-mail of political action opportunities for the liberal to radical crowd. Activist Annie is, well, as she names herself. Luke actively advocates for LGBT issues.

Engaged. Caring. Jewish. At least at Beth Evergreen those words all mean the same thing.

Admitted to Marilyn and Irv I’m fed up with having to think about the corona virus. And, feel like I’m too cautious about it. Canceling my trip to Minnesota, for example. Yet. This lung stuff with the paralyzed diaphragm. Not sure how to weigh benefits and risks. Caution trumps it all. I’m no adrenaline junkie, but neither do I consider myself risk averse. I wanna get out and do stuff. But. I don’t wanna die yet. Damn it.

Zoom appointment yesterday with Julie Freshman, an insurance broker who handles medicare advantage plans. Believe she’s found a different version of the plan I currently have, AARP Secure Advantage, that will work better for me. She’s also found a newly opening medical practice in Evergreen that will be taking new patients and will take my insurance. No more drives into the deep south of the Denver burbs for primary care. Will start in January. Julie is a sweetheart and smart. I liked her a lot.

Finished that call. Loaded Rigel in Ruby and drove to Sano. She has bumps and lumps on her back, sebaceous cysts. A skin condition, seborrhea, too. Antibiotics. Expensive blood panel to check on infection, other possible triggers for the seborrhea as well as her liver function. She takes twice a day carprofen (doggy tylenol) for the severe arthritis in her right rear leg. Palmini thinks she may have a slipped disc as well.

Each time he’s seen her over the last year plus Palmini’s remarked on how good she looks for such an old dog. I can still see the puppy in her sometimes. She’s got a will to thrive, loves chasing things still, eats well, and keeps me warm. Last night she was on one side of me and Kep on the other. A three mammal night.

That was the day. A lot in it for this guy.

Deb and Dave, owners of On the Move Fitness

Frustrated with myself though. Not leaving time for exercise. Missed last Friday and now Monday. I don’t exercise on the weekend. Important to both my physical and mental health. Sorta decided I would take responsibility now for my own workouts. Planning them, learning them, changing them when necessary. Used to do this, but got in the personal trainer habit after my knee surgery in 2016.

I liked Dave and Deb, appreciated their encouragement and their friendship. Dave died last June of glioblastoma. Covid put some distance between Deb and me. Reminded me that I could do this for myself, too. Kate and I had personal trainers off and on, but I followed my own path the years just prior to our move to Colorado. Back to that now.

Torah and the Stars at 10 am. Focusing on the Kabbalistic side of astrology. A brave old world. New to me, this tarot/astrology domain. Opening slowly. Learning.

Dogs, Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Kabbalah, Minnesota, Politics, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Leverage

October 18, 2021 Charles 1 Comment

Fall and the Moon of the Thinned Veil

Monday gratefuls: Kep and Rigel, my companion dogs. Mark and Mary. Diane. The folks at Groveland. The Ancient ones who attended. White privilege. Allies. Justice. Paul and Christmas. Holiseason not far off. Darkness.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Check Your Privilege

Tarot: Two of Wands, Druid

Got my presentation, Check Your Privilege, before Groveland UU yesterday. It went well. The discussion afterward was on point about racism and what a group of privileged white folks might do. It felt like mild redemption to me since the last presentation I gave on Zoom for them got scrambled and hashed. I’ll post Check Your Privilege someday this week.

The pandemic and zoom have changed so much. It’s now conceivable to a congregation in Minnesota to ask a former member to present on a Sunday morning. And, just as conceivable for them to say yes. Plus, my friends, including one in Maine, could attend if they so chose. And, they did.

Office work. As I noted here after talking to Mike and Kate, virtual first or remote only organizations have already begun to take shape. Her organization no longer has a headquarters.

Connecting with friends and family. I communicate with a cousin in San Francisco face to face each week. Four old friends from Minnesota every Sunday. I can and have had sessions with my brother in Saudi Arabia, my cousin in San Francisco, and my sister in Singapore.

Huh. Just thought about a Keaton Zoom reunion. Mary? Diane? Mark? What do you think?

Education. I’ve taken several classes, live, through the Kabbalah Experience and now one with the teacher in NY and the students as far away as Australia. There are many more such classes.

Zoom provides the medium and Covid the rationale.

Many articles agree that the office/workspace will never be the same. That will impact many central cities which rely on downtown office workers as during the week, daytime customers. What will happen to all the unused offices? To all the small businesses? Will rush hours become less crowded? What will happen to the tax revenues from office towers?

We’re moving into a future never anticipated, with tools still a bit raw. And learning happening on the fly.

Still no joy with my friends at Social Security. Had I fewer resources I would not be feeling socially secure right now.

Tomorrow and Wednesday will see a wrap to the mini-split installation. Only the kitchen to go after that. Once that’s settled I’m going to take another break. Of some kind.

I’d like to travel a bit in Colorado, but I’m feeling anxious about hotel/motel rooms. Not clear to me whether that’s safe or not. I’m really tired of this whole viral dome over my life. And, I imagine you’re tired of it over yours. Not to mention it’s flu season.

Lunch with Marilyn and Irv at Aspen Perks. Then, a zoom (see!) consult with Julie Freshman about getting a new insurance plan and a new medical practice for an internist. Tired of New West and AARP Secure Advantage.

Art and Culture, Dogs, Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Judaism, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Jon, Fiddler

October 10, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Fall and the Moon of the Thinned Veil

Jon and Kate in his new house. The kitchen looks very different now.

Sunday gratefuls: Ovation West and Center Stage’s Fiddler on the Roof. Excellent. Jon, still struggling with Addison’s and diabetes and thyroid problems. Probably hospital next week. Ruth and Gabe, getting by with all this as best they can. Rigel, who barked in the middle of the Night. Kep, who did not. 33 degrees. Clear blue Sky. Ancient Ones. Johnson clan. Kate Strickland and Michael Banker at Scooter’s.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Family

Tarot: Queen of Wands

Gosh. Took Joseph to DIA, leaving here at 8:30 so he could get a rapid Covid test, a haircut. Got the test. Busy barbers. On to the airport. Much easier drive on a Saturday morning. Both ways. I said good bye to this sweet kid with a big hug at United departures. He lifted his heavy, heavy duffle and his also heavy backpack, trudged off into the terminal. On his way to LAX, then Honolulu, Seoah, and Murdoch. And tonight, Sunday night, back to the airport for a flight first to Guam, then Manila. In the middle of the week, then, back home.

Got home. A brief liedown. Up at 12:30 for my Tree of Life Tarot spread class. Left the class early. To Center Stage in Evergreen to meet Jon, Ruth, Gabe for Fiddler on the Roof. Alan is in it. A beggar.

The production was wonderful. A small live orchestra accompanies most Center Stage musicals. And, they’re all musicals. Tevya was, oddly, the director of the Music Department at Colorado Christian College. His voice, stage presence, acting carried the show. Which had imaginative choreography, few props, and a compelling pace. The cast had chops.

It went from 2:30 to 5:45. Glad we didn’t do the evening show. I would have been snoring in my seat.

Because I screwed up my schedule and we didn’t get lunch before hand (I forgot to enter my class and the show on my calendar. Rare.), I waited for a Beau Jo’s Mountain pizza while Jon and the kids went on to Shadow Mountain.

About an hour later, I arrived home with a hamburger and sausage combination, 5-pound (how they sell them) pie.

Jon’s struggles with his disease triad, teaching, and depression have gotten worse. So much so that he’s applied for medical leave and has considered going on disability. Yes, it’s that severe. He gets intermittent low blood pressure that makes him weak, thrush that makes it hard to eat, not to mention the serious fluctuations in his blood sugar and cortisol levels.

The thrush went on long enough that he’s now thin, as Kate was. Eerie similarities in their path.

All this concerns me, not only for Jon, but for Ruth and Gabe as well. Jon thinks his endocrinologist will put him in the hospital, possibly as soon as tonight or tomorrow. There they can manage his blood sugar and cortisol more closely, develop a plan for handling it. Jon told me last night that a small cohort of Addison’s sufferers have his symptoms, where the medicine does not resolve the cortisol insufficiency, creating crisis after crisis.

Not sure where all this goes. Time.

Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Kabbalah, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Grief calling to grief

October 7, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Fall and the Moon of the Thinned Veil

Thursday gratefuls: Kate, always Kate. Sandy, a sweet visit. Rigel’s skin problem. Joseph, on his way. The three Mule Deer Does that visited our yard yesterday afternoon. A very cool Night. The house all pretty. The mini-splits coming next week. And, the kitchen remodel is on! Fiddler on the Roof this weekend with Jon, Ruth, and Gabe. The Hermitage.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Learning

Tarot: Page of Arrows, the Wren. Wildwood Deck

Got the green light from my financial advisor for the kitchen remodel plus the mini-splits. With the house staining completed on Tuesday these three will inspire me, I hope, to better cooking, make it possible to sleep in the heat and pollen season, and feel good when I turn in the drive coming home.

Our pre-Covid housekeeper, Sandy, came yesterday. She’s a smart, streetwise, tough, empathic lady. We talked a long time. Kate was a mother-figure to her.

Covid wrecked housekeeping/cleaner’s businesses. We paid Sandy for a month’s work because of that. Jackie, our hair stylist, too. While Covid was a nuisance for Kate and me, largely, it was a devastating loss for many small businesses, especially solo enterprises like Sandy and Jackie’s.

Sandy moved to Maryland to be with friends and family. Then found herself trapped there by Covid restrictions and strapped finances. She followed Kate’s decline through Caring Bridge. And felt awful because she missed Kate, wanted to see her, but couldn’t. We talked and cried together. Her grief signalling mine to come to the surface.

Sandy has a benign (?) brain tumor that pushed her brain stem to the side and a platelet disorder that might be a sort of blood cancer. Difficult health issues she gets. Her life has had steep valleys, few peaks. A son in difficulty in California. Her bio mom and her adopted mom’s deaths. The loss of her successful cleaning business. A long period of addiction.

It feels so peaceful in here. When I came before, there was always this sadness. Kate was holding on, but barely. Now though it’s calm here. I know Kate’s happy for you.

She wanted you to have this time, this peace. She’s smiling, her suffering’s over. And she’s watching you.

Sandy was very confident about Kate’s presence in an amazing, warm place. As is Jackie. I take comfort in their comfort. Difficult for me though. I’d like to believe it. Maybe the reincarnation, soul business could explain it? Oh, the skeptic in me hangs on with his fingertips. Hell, no, his whole hands. I’ll leave it at don’t know.

Life here in the Hermitage has changed in the last month or so. The inner weathervane turned toward calm skies, cool days, and quiet nights. The fourth phase.

Leaning into the hidden, the mysterious, the unknown. The fantastic and the fabulous. Leaning into love, longtime friendships, family, dogs. Home where my heart really, really is. A time of the spirit, a time of transition from life to death.

Aging, Art and Culture, Fourth Phase, Kabbalah, Memories, Minnesota, Myth and Story, Our Land and Home, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Travel, Woolly Mammoths

Fourth Phase Life

October 6, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Fall and the Moon of the Thin Veil

Wednesday gratefuls: A stained house, newly painted garage doors. Daniel. Alvin. Greg. Sandy, coming up to be with Kate’s ashes. Kate, always Kate. The Woolly retreat in November. The Mountains. The Rocks, Lodgepoles, Aspens, Creeks, and Wild Critters. Deep peace.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Roadtrip!

Tarot: Ace of Pentacles

Daniel stained my whole house in just over a day. A sweet man. The 3M window coverings reminded me of St. Paul, of the Twin Cities. Alvin, his partner yesterday, took down my blue lights. Think I’m gonna leave’m down. Lots of neighbors complaining about lights ruining the dark Sky, a true Mountain amenity. They’re not wrong. Does mean I gotta dig out the box of solar lights I ordered. I need something to identify our house at night. So easy to drive right past it.

On Monday, Coyote HVAC. Then, choosing between bids for remodeling the kitchen. Probably won’t happen until later in the year. May seem strange, my doing all these things, spending a bunch of money. Not to me. They represent another phase of grief, one in which I celebrate what Kate and I had together while creating my fourth phase life. Hence, I’m enhancing the house she found and in which we shared our last years together.

Got a note from the Assistance Fund, the one that pays down my copay for Orgovyx from $800 a month to $10. I have to reapply for coverage on December 1st. Won’t miss that deadline.

Greg Lell, owner of the painting company, came by yesterday to get his check. We got to talking. He was, he said, a dairyCatholic.* He ran the words together. His parents figured out a three to four year gap system that resulted in six siblings for him, and, crucially, a new farm hand growing into the job as one left it. Oddly, he has a distinctive Texas accent, but he grew up in Colorado. Over 15 years in Texas he began to sound like a native.

Many Woolly brothers, Tom, Mark, Paul, have decided not to attend the retreat. Excellent reasons, probably ones that apply to me, but I need to get outta here, get on the road, be somewhere else. Not new, forty years a Minnesotan, but also not Colorado.

Largest wood fired kiln in the U.S. Bresnahan in sportcoat

I will be staying in retreat lodging at St. John’s Monastery in Collegeville. I have done retreats there before and visited many times. The ceramic urn which holds Kate’s ashes came out of the Johanna Kiln, shaped by Richard Bresnahan from clay dug not far from the monastery. The firing of the Johanna Kiln is a major event as it’s a dragon kiln with several bays snaking up a hillside. When it’s firing, volunteers feed split Wood into its firebox 24 hours a day until the ceramics finish their ordeal. Maybe I’ll finally buy a teapot.

Drew the Ace of Pentacles this morning. The aces are potential, the essence of their suit. Pentacles represent mother earth, malkut, this world, this physical world. In many cases this card may signal success in business, an inheritance, making progress in a career. It also can suggest deep peace, well being in this world. Feeling calm.

As I’ve entered this new phase of grieving, a great calm has settled within me. A deep peace. I’m more in my life than regretting, mourning Kate’s death. As I said yesterday, my life with her is the foundation for this phase, what I’m calling my fourth phase. I’m modeling this fourth phase idea on the Hindu life phase of renunciation and a focus on the spiritual.

The Ace suggests I’m on the right path. Let’s call it a new ancientrail. Though the road that led here connects to it, this ancientrail has made a sharp turn toward the West, toward the setting Sun. It is the final phase of life and one I want to walk intentionally. To walk it like a Celtic Christian saint. Peregrenatio.

*Yes, I did mention the other dairyCatholic I know, Mr. Bill!

Astrology, Beyond the Boundaries, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Great Wheel, Health, Jefferson County, Judaism, Kabbalah, Mountains, Myth and Story, Original Relation, Our Land and Home, Plants, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Weather +Climate

My Cauldron

October 4, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Fall and the waning crescent of the Michaelmas Moon

Monday gratefuls: Greg Lell, starts today staining the house. Susan, who will care for the dogs when I go to Minnesota, comes at 10:30. Marina Harris and her crew coming today to clean. RJ working on how much money I can spend. Coyote HVAC next Monday. Kate, always Kate. Those two Mule Deer Bucks. The beginning after the ending.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The World, #21 of the Major Arcana

Tarot: The World

Bubbling and churning. My life a cauldron, happily. Eye of house stain. Leg of house cleaning. Fingernail of dogsitter. Horn of Mule Deer Buck. Feather of mini-splits. Bits of redo and redesign of kitchen. A dash of Orgovyx. One major arcana. A pinch of the ayn sof. A sprinkle of Stars. A slice of Woolly Mammoth Tusk. Two measures of Aloha. Tears of grief. Stir with family and Congregation Beth Evergreen. Simmer for a season or two.

Not sure of much these days. Which suits me just fine. My path has companions worthy of Chaucer. A location worthy of poetry. A destination unknown.

My ancientrail, my life, has begun to reknit itself, reconstruct. The base of this reknitting? The love and life I had with Kate. Her smile, her laugh, her sharp insights, her deep knowledge and compassion. Her kindness. Not gone, here, right here in my soul. Her hand in mine until the end of time.

She found this house. She earned most of the money I receive monthly. She encouraged me to leave the ministry and take up writing. We were brave together. Adventurous. We loved each other and left imprints on each other’s souls.

Now I have to walk this ancientrail without her physical presence. I wish it were not so, but it is. As I put a few touches on the house, learn methods to access the occult, manage my cancer, exercise, spend time with friends, read, write, paint, I’m living forward, not looking backward.

Changing the house a bit will help me say, yes, this is my place, too. It will never be other than our place, but no ghosts allowed. Only good memories.

The whole Tarot, Kabbalah, Astrology, Judaism journey has me on a strange side road from that of the skeptic. Where it leads is to mystery, of that I’m sure. How it will affect my life? Unclear. Maybe a lot. Maybe only some. Tincture of time. (a favorite phrase of Kate’s)

When I came up for closing on this house, October 31, 2014, three Mule Deer Bucks greeted me in the back. We stood with each other for a long time, not moving, seeing each other. After they left, I knew the Mountain Spirits had welcomed Kate and me to their realm. Samain.

Yesterday, two more came.

They came on a day when Black Mountain was aflame.

I got up this morning and let Kep out and he chased one of the bucks who had stayed the night. The buck cleared the five foot fence as if it wasn’t there. Kep was pretty damned proud of himself. He never barked.

Back to that pot. Double, toil and trouble, cauldron burn, cauldron bubble.

Dogs, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Blessed Be

October 1, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Fall and the Michaelmas Moon

Friday gratefuls: Mussar. Women friends. CBE. Kep and Rigel, my loft dogs. David and his prostate cancer journey. New schedule. Better. Mike Rogers from Bear Creek Design. His expansive (read: expensive) vision. A fun one. Cardio at 4:30 pm.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: L’chaim!

Tarot: King of Wands, Druid

Not sure about my sleep button, but it sure got pushed this week. 9 hours yesterday. Maybe 10 today. Combination. Orgovyx and very, very low testosterone. Working out harder, longer. A calmness in my soul. Colder nights. Really don’t want to sleep this much, but I feel it’s ok for a bit as I adjust to the new drug and the new (really, old) workout intensity.

Overall energy has improved. Partly due to better sleep, I’m sure. Also, getting used to Orgovyx. Less turmoil in my inner world.

Bear Creek Design came out yesterday. Mike Rogers, who worked on our bathroom, is a design/build guy. He wants to take down walls, extend the footprint of the kitchen, put in a wall with a fireplace in the former sewing room. Make a “cute breakfast area with a pot belly stove” and finish the large part of the old sewing room into a formal dining room. I doubt I’ll do any of it since I’m spending my remodel money on the mini-splits, but what the hell. Maybe I’ll get a windfall somehow.

Talked with David yesterday. At 63 his PSA, after a long stretch in the 2.0’s (perfectly ok for a healthy guy, jumped to 17! Yikes. Then, by the time he saw an urologist, it had hit 43. Double yikes. This was three years ago.

Metastatic disease. From nothing to advanced prostate cancer in weeks. But. Since that point he has had undetectable PSA tests. Wow. And, when I spoke with him yesterday at one of the high tables in the Muddy Buck, he told me his latest scans have shown no mets anywhere.

In his first scans they had seen innumerable hits in his lungs and significant disease in his sacrum. All disappeared. Clear. Not gone, dormant, but no longer spreading. Three years. After way more cancer progression than I’ve ever had. Hopeful.

Realized this last month. I’ve had prostate cancer for over six and a half years. Seems like a long time when I say it like that. And, now, I’m never getting rid of it. However. If I can achieve undetectable over a long span of years, well, ok then. Cancer as a chronic disease. Wow.

Appointment with Kristie, my P.A., today. We’ll look at the numbers from my lab results. Notables are 1.0 PSA (definitely detectable), blood sugar at 98, and high creatinine. This is the future for me. PSA every three months. Blood tests when necessary. Take the meds. Live with cancer. Live. Yes.

King of wands today. “A need to make important decisions, set goals.” Well, yeah.

Signed up for Astrology and Kabbalah at the Kabbalah Experience. Taught by two CBE’rs: Elisa Robyn. My astrologist. (oh. never thought I’d write that) and Luke Colaciello, the new Executive Director at CBE. He co-taught the Tarot and Kabbalah with Rabbi Jamie this summer.

Four years or so of Kabbalah. Getting intense with the Tarot. Coming back around to Astrology. The brain and heart and soul getting a good workout. Splotches of paint on a new canvas. Can getting back to Jenny’s Dead be far behind?

from the Shadow Mountain Hermitage, blessed be

Aging, Beyond the Boundaries, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Great Wheel, Health, Holidays, Kabbalah, Memories, Myth and Story, Our Land and Home, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Michaelmas

September 29, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Fall and the Michaelmas Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Coyote HVAC. Starting next Thursday. Greg Lell, starting tomorrow on house staining. Mussar. Tarot. Kabbalah. Astrology. Elisa Robyn. Rabbi Jamie. Alan. David Jordani. Tom Crane and his colleague who recommended the mini-splits. Shirley Waste. Frozen dinners. Cool nights. Rain and snow on the way. Ruth and her first homecoming. Max. Claire and Patrick, his mom and dad. Paul and Sarah, grandpop and grandma. Kate, aunt.

Sparks of joy and awe: Writing. Michaelmas. Tom and Roxann, anniversary.

Tarot: Rebirth, #20 of the major arcana, Druid

And so this day comes round at last. Michaelmas. The feast day of the Archangel Michael, defender of heaven, God’s most fierce warrior. Tom and Roxann celebrate their wedding anniversary on this day, usually on the North Shore, sometimes with a cooked goose. Jen, mother of Ruth and Gabe, celebrates her birthday. And Rudolf Steiner thought of this day as the springtime of the soul.

I feel, different. Better. Almost like having awakened. Not woke in the social justice sense, but in the, oh this is what my soul needs to do next sense. Seems like the Tarot and my chart reading with Elisa on Monday and my own feeling that Michaelmas could be the date for a life transition have synched up, said YES.

Delacroix Eugene: St Michael Defeats the Devil

I’ve got a few things underway: house staining starting tomorrow and the mini-splits install beginning next Thursday. My Tree of Life Spread class starts on Saturday. I meet with Kristie on Friday. PSA at 1.0. Not quite low enough. Perhaps a kidney issue in the bloodwork panel. We’ll see. Started a new painting. Changed my days, I hope permanently. Looking forward to the Woolly Retreat at the end of this month.

The loft’s organization makes sense now. Not cluttered. Some more work to do. Still pruning downstairs. Wanting to get further along before snow. Not quite sure how to manage that. But, I’ll figure it out. Back at my workouts and feeling better physically.

Here’s something I got from Elisa on Monday. “I’m a reconstructionist. Just not a Jewish reconstructionist. I’m an MOT (member of the tribe) of Congregation Beth Evergreen and Jamie is my Rabbi.” “Oh,” Elisa’s face lit up in a big smile, “That’s such an Aquarian thing to do. To be in but not of something. And you may decide later that that’s over for you.” “Yes. When I met Kate, I had known for a year or more that I had to leave the ministry. It was over.”

Since September 23rd, I have drawn the Lady, #3 of the Major Arcana, three times, The Moon, #18, and, today, on Michaelmas, Rebirth, #20. In the last 8 days I’ve drawn 5 Major Arcana. The Lady and the Moon both point toward the anima and the inner world, living into the feminine creative energy, my Yin chi. The rebirth card. Well, that’s another matter and it came on Michaelmas. I consider that more than significant. It’s a clear message.

According to the Druid Craft Book, the message is: “You hear the call and awaken to the new light of day. You have entered the darkness and drunk of the cup of silence. You have chosen life and emerge reborn.”

Meaning: “The Power of the Call. You may have heard the call of the spiritual path you are seeking. Rebirth into a life that is more fully your own. You may have come to a crossroads in your life, and a decision is required that will take you in a new direction.”

Life has given me no choice. Change or retreat. Grief forces the soul to reconsider its location, its direction, its purpose. Yes, even its calling. I count my grief as having begun on September 28th, 2018, three years ago yesterday. That was the day of Kate’s bleed. The acceleration of her decline.

From that day forward my life had as its everyday anchor Kate’s medical and emotional and spiritual needs. Not that I could fulfill them all, no, but her gradual physical diminishment meant no day could pass without considering them.

I took her hand that day, September 28th, and never let go until April 12th of this year. The letting go was so painful, so shocking. Disorienting. Even disfiguring my soul. Nothing abnormal. Mourning. Then, grief and its labyrinth.

It was as Dante said.

IN the midway of this our mortal life,
I found me in a gloomy wood, astray
Gone from the path direct: and e’en to tell
It were no easy task, how savage wild
That forest, how robust and rough its growth,
Which to remember only, my dismay
Renews, in bitterness not far from death.

Those caregiving years were not hell. Kate, my love and my soulmate, was still alive; but, they did hold suffering and torture for both of us. When she took that long, last ride, I climbed the mammoth frozen body of the Devil into purgatory. I’m still there, but I can see the sky above me.

Today I identify with the curly haired boy standing at the exit of an elaborate dolmen. A priest, a Druid perhaps, sounds a trumpet of relief. The journey through the Inferno is complete. Purgatory lies almost behind.

I can feel the hesitancy in him. The darkness, the strangeness of purgatory still more familiar. The long, long path from that dark Wood more known than what lies ahead.

Symbols of eternal life, of rebirth, like the Holly and the Mistletoe and the Hare and the triskelion crowd the picture below him.

Will he step out of the door? Embrace the Hare. I know he wants to. The energy and promise, the possibility of life renewed, remade, reimagined, reconstructed only just ahead.

He feels, as I do, an expansion in my chest, a lifting of the head, eyes no longer cast down, or around in a worried scan. That feeling, that alone, can propel him out into the sun.

Let it be so. For him. And, for me.