Category Archives: Shadow Mountain

Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Writing

One Clear Path

January 16, 2022 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the Moon of the New Year

Where’s the Webb: 809000 miles from home; 90000 miles to L2. 90% of the distance. Mission day: 22. Arrival at L2: Mission day 29.

Sunday gratefuls: That the hostage situation at Congregation Beth-Israel ended. Anti-semitism. Bias. Racism. White Supremacy. All flavors of the human heart, bitter though they may be. Ruth and her vibrancy. Gabe and his willingness to help. Jon feeling much better. Josh for plowing my driveway. The Snow. And, ta day, the Fire hazard warning sign finally dipped into moderate for the first since I got back from Hawai’i in early July.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Rabbi Charlie Cytron-Walker, even the hostage taker liked him

Tarot: Five of Arrows, frustration

“Look at where your own impatience and frustration have prevented you from reaching your goals. Do things differently. Moving forward focus your energy in one clear direction. Let go of your frustrations. Stay the course. Listen to your intuition.” TarotX

Oddly, this card, the Five of Arrows, speaks to me. In a way I might not have recognized; but, I finished reading Jonathan Franzen’s new novel, Crossroads, yesterday. I sat down with the intention of finishing and I did it. I felt more like me at the moment I turned the last page than I have for a long while.

Oh. That was strange. What was it? I’m a reader. I like to lose myself in books of all kinds. But. I’ve not been doing that, staying with reading long enough to finish whole books. Which I used to do all the time. And. I’d forgotten that.

Over the last several years, even before Kate got sick, I had begun to torture myself. Only of late have I begun to realize it. My self-torture comes like this: write a new novel, or finish the current one, Jennie’s Dead. OK but right now I have to exercise, because illness and death. Or, I need to exercise right now, but buying groceries. I could paint, right now. In a bit. After I vacuum. I had so many high priority things to do: lunch or breakfast with Alan. The grandkids coming up. Zoom with the Ancient Ones. With Diane.

Everything became important. Necessary. Valuable. I’d shucked off the useless and the frivolous. Pared my life down to the critical.

Then Kate got sick. And her needs trumped everything else. I hung on to the exercise because I needed the strength and stamina. Let everything else jangle together in a constant cage match for my attention and time and resources.

As a result, I rarely feel easy. Like I’m not in this moment. That’s not to say I’m highly anxious, not that either. Sort of a netherground between anxiety and languishing. When I’m writing, I feel grounded. When I’m reading, I feel grounded. Sometimes when I’m cooking. When I’m in a class. Too often, though, something always seems just out of reach, dealing with the insurance company. Getting the dishes back into the kitchen. Sleep. Workout. Follow the news.

I’m not describing this well because I don’t mean I’m constantly bombarded by a to-do list. The things that clash for me now all seem important, good, necessary. And I have trouble figuring out a way to include all of them. That’s the rub. That’s the frustration. That’s the four arrows missing the ram. What about that fifth arrow? If he keeps it where it is, it’s gonna miss. Well off the left rear hoof.

“Moving forward focus your energy in one clear direction.” I want to do that. I need to do that. But only one direction? Just not sure I know how.

Aging, Anoka County, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Garden, Great Wheel, Health, Judaism, Memories, Minnesota, Mountains, Our Land and Home, permaculture, Plants, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Impermanence

January 15, 2022 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the Moon of the New Year

Where’s the Webb? 791ooo miles from home. 108000 miles to L2 insertion. 88% of the way. .1769 mps. Sunshield: 131 F. Primary Mirror: -328 F.

Saturday gratefuls: Snow. Fresh and white. A friend’s Dog, cancer. The house changing, transforming. The Hermitage. Brown. Color. Kep’s abundant, luxuriant, always growing fur. The Mountains in Winter. The Lodgepoles with heavy bows. The Arcosanti bell has a white fairy cap. The outdoor table has a round, snowy table covering exactly its size. Medical Guardian. Uncertainty.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The love we have for our Dogs. And the love they have for us.

Tarot: Page of Arrows, The Wren

A friend’s dog diagnosed with inoperable cancer. A friend on her third or fourth round of chemo for ovarian cancer. Kate dead. My own, more tractable cancer. Life. Then death. The way of the animate world. It says something about our need, our lust for permanence that disease followed by death exacts such a toll. But it does. Death is no more, no less prevalent than birth and life; but, it insults us, destroys our fabricated lives.

When the snow fell today, all day, as it hasn’t in a while, it covered the driveway, my solar panels, this Shadow Mountain. Even our daily views are impermanent, changing often in the temperate latitudes where I’ve lived all my life.

Ichi-go, ichi-e. Every moment, every encounter is once in a lifetime. The tea ceremony is a beautiful expression, a reminder of this oh, so important truth. Kate will never be here on this plane again. Unique and significant in her quick intelligence, her dry wit, her chesed, her love for me, for Jon, Ruth, Gabe. My friend’s dog, whom I’ve met many times, likewise. Stolid. Built low to the ground. Attentive, but mostly arranging himself near Rich. Each time I met him was a whole moment. Complete and wonderful. As was each day with Kate.

This summer my friend with ovarian cancer made home-made strawberry ice-cream and we shared it at a table in Mt. Falcon Park, near Morrison. We both had the brand of the impermanent burned into our bodies with blood draws, sleepless nights, worry, treatments. If we could, as the Buddhists I think recommend, lean into the impermanence, grant it the piquancy it brings, the poignance of ichi-go, ichi-e as a home truth, if we could, we might still mourn and grieve, but we might also find room to celebrate the passing of each once-in-a-lifetime instance.

Each spring in Andover plants would push up from the cold, cold Earth. The Grape Hyacinths, the Daffodils, the Crocus, the Anemones. The Spring Ephemerals. Those plants whose strategy is to store food during a burst of growth before Leaves on Trees and Bushes, taller Flowers block them out. Such a joyous, brilliant, hopeful life. Yet, brief. Ephemeral. Gone in a couple of weeks, three, four at the most.

Oh, how I miss those delights of the cold, wet days of late Winter, early Spring. I no longer miss caring for the Gardens, but I miss them nonetheless. Those gardens were an immersion, like foreign language immersion, in the ongoing lives of plants, in the dance of life and the inevitability of death. Each fall we composted the dead stalks that delivered food to the roots of vegetables and flowers. They had more to give even though they were now lifeless.

The Earth gives us daily lessons in impermanence, but we rationalize, smooth over, just don’t see them. I’m writing this now in the 10th month after Kate’s death. Her memory blesses me every day. Her lessons, the things she taught me. The same. I leave the door open on the washer so it won’t mildew. I trust my doctors. I love Judaism and the Jews that I know. Impermanence has permanently changed me.

Astrology, Fourth Phase, Health, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

An Invisible Protective Shield

January 14, 2022 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the New Year Moon

Where’s the Webb? 765000 miles from home and 134000 to L2. 85% of the journey. Mission day 19.5. Crawling along at .1906 mps. Only 687 miles per hour.

Friday gratefuls: The backsplash. Only needs grout. Chicken and pork from Cooks Venture. The LG washer. It just works. Like the Speedqueen dryer. A functional dishwasher and sink. Yes. 51 degrees. No. Asian food, especially Japanese and Korean. Cooking. Learning the basics. Soon. My pagan book. Growing. The Hermitage and Herme.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Naps

Tarot: Ten of Stones, Home

The Supremes. Bah, humbug. Court Packing. Yes. Eliminate the filibuster. Yes. Try to imagine that either one would do any good. Go on. Try.

The political weather outside is frightful. Our nation’s governance suffers from ship worms boring through the hull. The ship of state will sink at this rate. Aaacchh.

So I’ll ponder the ein sof, the ways of the tarot deck, the turning of the stars in the heavens. Reorganize my kitchen and rearrange my living room. Write another book or two. Keep the feet moving forward.

I feel alternately excited and upbeat about life here at the Hermitage and despondent about life down the hill. Anywhere down the hill. Glad my primary care doc is up here now. Fewer reasons to leave where life has some traction.

Jon and Gabe and Ruth plan to come up on Saturday. Probably Beau Jo’s pizza for supper. The kitchen will be finished next week, early next week I hope. I promised the food service would get better here when the kitchen’s done. I mean it.

Have to study tomorrow. Natal charts. How to read them. Sun sign, moon, and ascending. That’s where we (very amateur) astrologers start. After those we go to houses, aspects, planets. Then we scratch our heads and wonder if any of it makes any sense?

Got a couple of hours in on the Sefer Yetzirah yesterday. Felt good. Student mind opens to the worlds, the words, the ideas. Tries to grasp them, put them together. Connect things. Learn vocabulary and concepts. My favorite work of all. After writing fiction.

Got my Orgovyx (prostate cancer med) ordered yesterday. My copay has gone down to zero. Last year it was $10 a month. United Health Care wanted $834 a month. Choice: die or pay an extra $10,000 grand a year out of pocket. Gee. What would you choose?

Yes. National health care.

If you’re roaming around the Rockies, stop in and see me. It’s likely I’ll not be where you are anytime soon. Omicron and the crazy politics of 2022 are an invisible protective shield holding me up here.

Jefferson County, Judaism, Mountains, Politics, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Travel

A Question

January 13, 2022 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the New Year Moon

I’ve walked this board walk many times. Pukaskwa National Park, Ontario

Thursday gratefuls: MVP. Responsibility. Incognito. Neuroscience. Free will. Blue urban, red exurban. The changing politics of the U.S.A. Shakespeare. A man for all ages. Stratford, Ontario. Ellis family trips there. Ipperswich Provincial Park. Pukaskwa National Park. Staunton State Park. Arapaho National Forest. Shadow Mountain.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The almost finished kitchen

Tarot: 1. Challenge. 2. How to Overcome. 3. Goal 1. Three of arrows, jealousy. 2. Two of vessels, attraction. 3. The World Tree, #21.

Do I need to continue to focus on home, family, friends (as part of healing and grieving), or do I need to push out toward the world? As I read this spread, it suggests my heart remains jealous of the old world I had with Kate. Gone, but not forgotten. Disappeared, but not without continuing significance. Perhaps a more accurate reading would be that I’ve not yet accepted its absolute physical absence and the emotional load that now past life continues to exact. It is the challenge I’m facing today.

How might I overcome this challenge? The heart’s blood dripping from the burning heart transforms into a passionate heart in the two of vessels. The suit of arrow’s elemental, Air, fans the Fire, burns out jealousy, and ignites an attraction between the stag/male energy and the female/mare energy. The result is an outpouring of emotion, an acceptance of the here and now, shown by the Water pouring into the vessels below. The airy abstraction of the intellect gives itself over to the Water course way.

When the alchemical marriage is complete, the elements of Air, Fire, and Water will combine, leaving only the Earth to complete the four building blocks of reality.

Earth comes into the spread through the twenty-first and last major arcana, The World Tree. It is the goal of my journey. You might say, oh, in that case the answer to the question is that you need to push out toward the world.

But. Maybe not. The World Tree certainly has the external world, all of it, subsumed under its imagery. Two other aspects of the image though suggest another possible meaning.

The labyrinth that serves as a walkway to the small door in the World Tree demands a solitary journey. Once to the door with the labyrinth behind me, I’ll choose to open the door. The door is the connection between the vast external universe and the also vast internal universe. The journey would continue in my inner world.

So I need to continue toward the alchemical marriage and even after the nuptials are over, my ancientrail to the outer world will appear as I retreat into and rely on my inner world.

What does this look like? Not sure. Finishing the remake of the kitchen, the living room, the ohana suite, and the loft. Continuing to work with my new schedule. Which I’m finding congenial right now. No after. Until or if there is one.

I feel relieved of the pressure to find a political action to take, or a religious obligation to embrace. I even feel relieved of the faint, but extant, desire for a relationship with a woman.

If you come to the Hermitage you’ll find me on the labyrinth or already gone behind the small door. Blessed be.

Art and Culture, Asia, Cooking, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Our Land and Home, Science, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Writing

Blessings and Curses

January 9, 2022 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the Moon of the New Year

Where’s the Webb?: Fully deployed the Webb has come 684000 miles from home and has 214000 to go to reach L2. This is 76% of the journey in distance. However this is Mission day 15 and it won’t reach L2 for another 14 Earth days. Slowing still at .2358 mps. Sun shield temp: 131F. Primary mirror: -289.

Sunday gratefuls: Modern Bungalow. Cheap sunglasses at Target. Down the hill and back. Ruby, still less than 32000 miles on her. Iris kitchen. The Turtle clock. A new living room waiting. Early February, after the kitchen reentry. Feeling energized and excited. The Webb fully deployed, now cruising to its spot on L2. Quantum mechanics. Natal charts. Kabbalah. A new way.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: New furniture

Tarot me, current path, potential: eight of stones, skill; three of bows, fulfillment; six of vessels, reunion

On the drive down to the Modern Bungalow in Denver I took the time to consider my schedule. My bête noire of the moment. Wipe the slate clean. What’s my schedule like at its barest? My day has four anchor points: 6 am, get up and feed the dogs. 6:30 or so, up to the loft and write Ancientrails. 3 pm, feed and water the dogs. 8:45 pm, go to bed. I have to get up and go to bed. I have to feed and water the dogs. I do not, however, have to write Ancientrails in the morning.

Of course, I’ve done that for almost 17 years, since March of 2005 while recovering from my Achilles tendon repair. That’s a pretty long streak. Still, I could do it another way. I can write it later in the day. Which I’m doing right now, at 5:30 pm. I’ll still post it in the morning, but my experiment with my time will be this: 6:30 or so, up to the loft and write 1,000 to 1,500 words. Fiction. Jennie’s Dead or my new work which will feature Lycaon again.

Exercise will still be important, but a shade less important than all the writing. That is, I will finish my word count for fiction before exercising. And, I will tailor my exercise to the time I have. Gonna consult with somebody to work out the minimum necessary to maintain my health. Two to three HIIT sessions. At least one, preferably two longer, slower cardio days. At least two days of resistance. That will be the goal, but it will be subordinate to writing.

Appointments in the early afternoon if possible. Weekends and Wednesdays exercise free zones. Wednesday still D3 day.

For many years I wrote 1,000 to 1,500 words a day, day in and day out. That’s how I have 9 novels finished at least through the first draft. I lost that rhythm and I’ve felt the loss every day since. Want it back.

At the Modern Bungalow I picked out a rocker, a coffee table, a chandelier, and a standing lamp. Found an Arts and Crafts clock with a Turtle in ceramic tile and bought that, too. Kate’s totem animal was the Turtle, slow and steady. The clock will give the new living room a definite Kate accent. I scheduled delivery for early February, a birthday present to myself and well after I’ve reestablished myself in the new kitchen.

I plan to ask Jon if he will stencil yellow Irises above my new cabinets in the kitchen. I want it to be the Iris kitchen. Another Kate acknowledgment. Irises were her favorite flower. The kitchen will need a splash of color since the brown of the cabinets will give it a darker feel. Why I splurged on the counter top, to have a large light surface against the dark cabinets.

The Webb. With all of the turmoil and division roiling the political landscape it sure felt good to see a BIG project like the Webb get through launch and deployment. So many of my friends also seem enthralled with this new tool for deep space observation. A lot of its work will be in spectra of light that human eyes cannot see.

I noticed from a NYT space notice on my google calendar that this week is the earth’s closest approach to the sun in its orbit. I don’t know if that had anything to with the timing of the Webb launch, but it seemed apropos anyhow.

We not only live the curse of the Chinese, May you live in interesting times, but we also live with the blessing of a visionary, pioneering space program.

Gotta admit I’m excited to be alive right now.

Cooking, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Health, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Core Issue 2022

January 8, 2022 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the New Year Moon

Where is the Webb? 664000 miles from home. 234000 miles to L2. 74% of journey complete. .2484 mps. Mission day, 14. Final deployment of the remaining mirror segments can be seen at 7 am MT here. Sunshield temp is 131F. Primary mirror temp is -278F.

If you look at this photo just right, I think you see Kate Olson looking back at you.

Saturday gratefuls: The weekend. Yes, I still observe this two day holiday. Working on my core 2022 issue. Snow rake. Brian. Bowe. Judy. The finish line. Maybe Jan. 17. The Webb’s deployment and the Iris Kitchen happening at the same time. Max and Kate. Life continuing. Innocence. The Snow. Tarot. Getting stuff done.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: This photograph and sentence from Grandpa Strickland.

Tarot: spread for today: Two of Bows, fulfillment. Ten of Vessels, happiness. #19 The Sun of Life (aspiration, obstacle, how to overcome)

Watched the last of the Webb deployment on NasaTV. I still can’t translate time from one zone to the other. This is a longstanding and frustrating glitch in my getalong. Almost missed it. Brother Tom prodded me.

Wow. Lots of other steps in bringing the telescope into full utility, but failure at anyone of the deployment steps would’ve precluded its functioning at all. Sighs of relief as this expensive mission completes its major hardware hurdles. I’m happy.

Which latter point brings me to the hard card in today’s spread. My question was: how can I resolve a dialectical conflict between creative time and self-care time, especially exercise? Happiness is the obstacle? Huh?

Then I thought about the article I read a few weeks ago about happiness and satisfaction, or, as I will characterize it here, happiness and flourishing. (Eudaimonia) Happiness is a fleeting thing, a thing of the moment. Lunch with a friend. A smile from a child. That dog sticking his head out the window. Yes, it is both important and to be treasured. But. It’s not a constant state. Can’t be by its nature.

Most people, this article said, choose satisfaction/flourishing over happiness. We will often forego times that would make us happy to engage in work that allows us to express ourselves fully in the world.

Oh. Yes, even happiness can be an obstacle to work that takes incremental effort. This does not mean we make ourselves unhappy, but that we choose a longer path which can reduce our titer of happiness in the moment.

How can we overcome our need to be happy now? By having work that matters, that is the Sun to our life. Seeing happiness as a condiment for life rather than its purpose.

To flourish I need to finish novels, learn Kabbalah and tarot and astrology, study more about democracy and our current troubles, learn better cooking techniques. I can feel I’m peaking now intellectually and creatively so I’m gonna lean that way.

Not sure yet how to solve the schedule conflicts between exercise and creative work. That’s my central issue for 2022 and beyond.

No issues with my teeth. Full x-rays. Good news. I take good care of my teeth and that’s paying off. Also, the business person at Aspen Park Dental said I could drop my existing dental insurance in favor of the AARP Plan-1’s coverage. That’ll save me $65 books a month. Really $130 since I only this week convince Ameritas to cancel Kate’s insurance. $1560 a year. Enough to pay my Plan-1 premium and take a bite out of my ridiculous car insurance premium. Good deal.

Jodi got covid and couldn’t come to look at the work with Bowe and Brian. Bowe, who is, as he said, a cabinet guy, had a long conversation with Brian. Those hinges, that door, those lazy susans. Oh. Brian says. I see. That’s an easy fix.

His delivery date was the week before Christmas and we still don’t have all the cabinets yet. Plus he made what Bowe called rookie mistakes. It’ll all get sorted out over the next week. Bowe starts the backsplash on Monday. Brian delivers the rest of his work, cabinets and shelving, on the 17th. I like the cabinets. Thank god.

Cooking, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Jefferson County, Judaism, Memories, Minnesota, Our Land and Home, Science, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

That Small Town Feeling

January 5, 2022 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the New Year Moon

Where is the Webb? 2/3rds of the way to L2! 597000 miles from Home. 302,000 to orbital insertion. Still slowing at .2964 mps. Secondary mirror deployment begins. Mission day 11. Full mirror deployment scheduled for mission day 15!

Wednesday gratefuls: Small towns. Stephanie. My urology referral. Evergreen. The breakfast burrito. Kep and Rigel. Bowe. The cabinets. Getting there. Grief. Mourning. Kate, always Kate. Yellow Irises in the new kitchen. Cold coming today. Snow. Snow rake here. Gonna use it today. Ruby, riding down the mountain and back up. A sweet ride.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Small town feeling.

Tarot-January spread, Health: Page of Arrows, the Wren.

“Wren urges us to be the sort of person who keeps the curiosity of youth, to be attentive to our surroundings, and ready to learn when the opportunity appears.

The Druids considered that the wren, the smallest bird, was the wisest. So, wrens remind us to listen.” wildwood book

Simple things that make me happy. Moved my doc to Conifer Medical Practice’s Evergreen location. So, so happy. I drive a familiar road, down Black Mountain Drive and then Brook Forest Drive to 73. Into Evergreen to Stagecoach Boulevard. Stephanie, the PA I saw today, was chatty, friendly, unguarded, knowledgeable.

Didn’t have go down the hill, into suburban Littleton to a bigger physician’s group. When I got done, I found a breakfast burrito and coffee at the same place I buy the occasional chili cheese dog on my way home from mussar.

I’ll still have to down the hill for my ophthalmologist and urologist, gastroenterologist. But those are occasional appointments.

When I see Jackie in Aspen Park, my hairstylist, I get the same feeling. She knows me. I know her. We both live up here.

Going to Congregation Beth Evergreen expands the number of folks I know who live up here, too: Alan. Marilyn and Irv. Michele and David. Rebecca. Rabbi Jamie. Luke. Ellen. Elizabeth. Rich. Tara.

When I worked on the West Bank in Minneapolis. Same. I got to know residents, business owners, street people. We said hi. Sometimes stopped to talk. Seeing and being seen.

When I create Shadow Mountain Hermitage, it’s a hermitage embedded in a nest of familiar places and people. Alone, but not lonely. Grieving, not mourning. Life without ennui or angst. Small town, rural life.

Some folks might feel suffocated in such a small circle of people. Not me. Feels just right. Family comes from time to time. Friends, too. It has the emotional quality for me as walking downtown in Alexandria, Indiana. Indiana as a state appalls me. Yes. But growing up in a small community where seeing and being seen was a gift freely and often unknowingly granted to everyone imprinted me.

I’m speaking for myself. You might be an urban guy or suburban gal. I’ve lived in both and know they both have terrific aspects. When it comes to where my heart feels best though. I’m living in it.

A real afterlife exists in the mailing lists and databases of companies and institutions. Kate continues to get mail. Now 9 months after her death. The most peculiar one was this one and it made me think Kate may have been paying attention to Moira:

The kitchen remodel grows closer and closer to the finish. Bowe put up cabinets, got water to my dishwasher. Brian still owes us two cabinets, a few doors, and shelving for installed cabinets. He did the take the China display cabinet I’ve been trying to get out of our downstairs since we moved in here. Fist pump!

When I stood in the kitchen after Bowe left, I did another fist pump. Even unfinished it made me feel energy, desire to cook there. I’m excited. The new, hybrid space has begun to emerge from plans, boxes, waits.

Aging, Colorado, Cooking, Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Jefferson County, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Weather +Climate

Health Insurance. Bah!

December 31, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the Winter Solstice Moon

webb sunshield covers released. mission day 5.

Where is the Webb? .4507 mps. 437000 miles from home, 462000 miles to L2. 49% of the way. Mission day 6.

Friday gratefuls: Lives saved in the Boulder County Fire. Wildfire. Snow coming. Winter relief from Wildfire. Winds. 40-50 mph here. 100 mph Boulder Country. Generator. Worked hard yesterday. Tom. Emergency alert bracelet. Friend. Digital clocks. Time. Jodi. Brian. Jon and Gabe, coming for New Years. Canceling Denver Post. Picking up Colorado Sun. 2022.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: 2022

Tarot: Blasted Oak, #16. Nine of Stones, tradition. Three of Arrows, jealousy. (energy of the day, embrace, avoid)

Lights on. Lights off. Generator on. Power back. Generator off. Repeat. 8 or 9 times in the morning, another 3 or 4 in the afternoon and evening. Wind, high winds. 40-50 mph gusts here all day and into the dark. 100 mph in Boulder County where grass fires used the oomph to burn over 600 houses. Coulda been here. The nightmare scenario. Cold weather, high winds, wildfire. A nightmare, but not impossible. At all.

Boulder County is 35 miles or so north of Conifer, a larger part in the Foothills to the west, but a significant chunk to the east where the Great Plains meet the Mountains. That area, and its continuation into the northern Denver metro, burned. Grassy Fields, flat. Winds coming down the Flatirons.

Most damaging Wildfire in the state’s history in terms of homes lost. The next highest loss. 489 in the Black Forest Fire of 2013. All of the most destructive fires have burned since 2012.

When you live here, you have to decide first if you want to stay. Kate and I chose again and again to stay. Now, I’m choosing the same path. But. That’s only the first choice. Then, you have to accept that someday your home, mine here at 9358 Black Mountain Drive, might burn. Denial is useless.

Either you say, well, it’s just stuff, or you move. If what you own is too precious to lose, you shouldn’t live here. From cabins to the custom built mansions perched high on the ridgeline, fire does not recognize status. See northern California or Boulder County, Colorado. Today.

Sorta screwed up with my health insurance. I had an appointment with Kristie on Monday. January 3. Occurred to me only Tuesday to check if there was a referral. No referral, I pay. None. A phone call to Arapaho Internal Medicine said I was an inactive patient. Would not make referral.

Had to cancel the appointment with Kristie and reschedule later in January. That gives me time to see my new doctor and get a referral. I tried to solve this appointment kerfuffle yesterday but my router kept going down. Had to wait until today. Mountain living.

Tom told me yesterday he worried about me living alone and isolated. I could fall, break a leg, whatever. He was right. I’d considered it, but put it away for a future date. Last week I slipped on the stairs up to the loft. Ice. Gave me, as Kate used to say, “An adrenal squeeze.”

So, I bought a service. Medical Guardian. Not cheap, about $500 a year or so. Still, if I need it once, it will more than pay for itself. Peace of mind, too. This getting old is not for sissies, yes, but it’s also not for the poor.

Jon and Gabe are coming up around 3 or 4 to spend New Year’s Eve. Ruth, the 15 year old, is going to a party that Jon referred to as chaperoned. Hormones. Need supervision.

Gonna cook half a chicken, mac and cheese for carbs, veggies. I doubt I’ll make it to 12. Rarely. Although, like last year, I might. Just to be damned sure this year goes away.

See ya, ha ha, next year!

Coronavirus, Health, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Not down far enough. Yet.

December 30, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the crescent Winter Solstice Moon

Where is the Webb? Slowwwing. .4987 miles per second. 398000 miles from Earth, 500100 miles to L2. 5 days into mission.

Thursday gratefuls: PSA lower, not undetectable. Prostate cancer. Cold night. Slept in till 7:30. Ode’s quote from Nerburne. Ode and Elizabeth battling the spiked one. Mary, teaching at UW next semester. Kep, staring at me, wanting part of my burrito. Big Snows in the higher country. Better Snowpack numbers. 2022 close by. Waiting. 2021, after so very much kvetching, will not be sad to go.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Snow flurries in the Sky right now.

Tarot: The Moon on the Water, #18 of the Major Arcana

The Moon on the Water

“The Moon on Water heralds the moment of inner and cognitive transformation. The transformation can hide in a seemingly random situation in human minds and emotions. However, there’s a voice that has been whispering in you about this for a long time. Now, your soul is bringing the core symbols of the human subconscious into the real world. More specifically, it can occur in the form of a desire to investigate or study an ideological, philosophical, or spiritual pursuit.”

Wildwood book

Charlie 3rd grade

A new year coming. I doubt anybody will say 2022 has got to be better than 2021. After having said the same about 2021. Not hearing it from me either. Although I very much want to say it. And, believe it.

I’m taking the last two days of this wretched year with the Moon on the Water. Whatever happens in the outer, spiky world we can find our way to the Peat Bog, Marsh Grasses punctuating the egg shaped Moon on the Water. An Aurochs silhouetted against the full Moon, above him a Heron in flight. This is primal, the place where imagination and thought swim in the rich Waters of our inner Holy Well.

Provided we sit quietly, allow the Waters to gush up from the collective unconscious, we will find traction even in a hostile outer world. We have the resources within us and within the interconnectedness that hammocks us. We only need wait till they rise.

Got my lab results. PSA down from 1.0 to .20. Still not all the way down. Curious what the docs think of this. Said last time I might get yet another med. Likely, I think.

Disappointed. Looking for a boost with undetectable. Nope. Better, but not where it needs to be.

Feelings, Fourth Phase, Health, Jefferson County, Shadow Mountain, Tarot

Feelings. oh, oh, Feelings

December 29, 2021 Charles Leave a comment

Yule and the waning crescent of the Winter Solstice Moon

Where’s the Webb? Still slowing. .5860 miles per second. Or, 2044 mph. 347000 miles from Earth and 552000 to L2. 4 days into the mission.

Wednesday gratefuls: NPO. Nothing by mouth. Blood work this morning. Pick up some paper plates and some frozen entrees. Shingles vaccine. All in one store: Safeway. Down the hill. Breakfast out after fasting. Back home for more D3, domestic duty day. Cold, Snow. Home. Sink. Counter Top. Cabinets coming on Friday. Assistance Fund.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Cancer surveillance

Tarot: Ace of Vessels, the Waters of Life wildwood

A neighbor slid off Shadow Mountain yesterday afternoon. Broke 7 ribs. Taken away by ambulance. Caught by trees so didn’t flip over.

You wouldn’t think it, but the Great Resignation is partly to blame. Jeffco does not have enough snow plow drivers. Reduced presence on our Shadow Mountain/Black Mountain/Brook Forest drive. Which is a bit strange even so. A school bus route. The only road for emergency vehicles to get up here and for us to use in case of evacuation.

Folks (reasonably) demanding better pay and working conditions. I get it. Go, union! One of those paradoxes.

Supply chain interruptions. Any one who has transited the Panama Canal, Kate and I did it twice, has seen the global supply chain. We came to the canal very early in the morning on our Latin American cruise. I got up around 4 am, walked onto the deck. Our ship, the Rotterdam?, had a priority slot so we could see the canal during the day. We floated slowly through a sea of ships parked, waiting for their turn in line. Lights strung along hulls, blinking red on radar masts. Very little noise. Whatever needed to get to L.A. or Tokyo or Shanghai from Europe or western Africa stranded for the moment, a queue so big it’s hard to imagine.

At major ports in the world this queue has swollen, ships often waiting days to dock and unload. What a fragile thing our global interconnections are. Clogged and disrupted by something .125 microns in size.

Worked out yesterday. Felt sluggish. Happens. Missed Monday with Jodi’s visit to choose backsplash tiles. Back at it tomorrow. Trying to feel easy with exercising when I can. I passed a critical point long ago, maybe at 45 or so, where I began to think of myself as an exerciser. A person who regularly works out. The downside (and upside) is that I feel mild guilt if I don’t workout according to whatever schedule I’m currently following. I want to lose the guilt and keep the self-identification. Proving difficult.

Not quite as bouncy. Like an internal drag chute has deployed. Slowing me down. Not sick. John Desteian enlisted Kate’s help for me since I can miss a slide into melancholia. She would say, at my request, “I sense you’re slipping into melancholy.” That was an alert. Oh. Maybe my Ancient Brothers can take up that task.

If melancholy has begun, it would not surprise me. Not at all. It’s been a tough, tough three years, seven years really, starting from my prostate cancer diagnosis. A lot of putting the weight on my shoulders, head down, legs driving forward. Proud I can do that. But, it has a price. Weariness. Exhaustion. Denial.

I might need to locate a therapist, preferably a Jungian analyst. What I’m familiar with, what helped me so much years ago.

Not sending up a flare. I’m ok. Feeling that weight. Grief. Covid. Even the remodel and the mini-splits. All stressors. Also, blood work today. My anxiety titer always goes up a bit.

The Tarot gave me an antidote today. The Ace of Vessels, the Waters of Life. Aces are about potential, about beginnings, about the power of their elementals and their focus. Vessels (cups) are about the emotions and their elemental is Water. The Water Course Way. Alan Watts. Flow with the feelings, don’t push against them, see them for what they are. A release valve, a healing mechanism. Embrace them.

Going to talk to Diane, then head down the hill to Safeway.