Moon of the Thinned Veil
Wednesday gratefuls: Shirley septic and waste. Mini-splits installed, though not yet electrified. Induction range has come. Bit more climate friendly. Old gas range has gone to somebody who needed one. Hair and beard trimmed. Excited about using my new range. Rigel’s cyst. Kep’s sweet demeanor. The Akita puppy list. Tarot and Astrology class yesterday. Understanding planetary influences.
Sparks of Joy and Awe: High Winds, cooler temps
Tarot: The Hanged Man, #12 of the major arcana, Druid craft
Guess the cards really want me to sit up and pay attention. The World yesterday. The Hanged Man today. With the World a cycle completed, satisfaction, fulfillment. I’ve felt for a month or so that the first phase of grieving is over, that I’ve passed into a calmer, less disruptive grief. Not no tears. Probably never. But instead of having my head turned toward the past, toward Kate’s death, it feels like I face forward now, living into a new life rather than letting the past define my present. That’s what the World affirms. A phase completed.
The Hanged Man has as one of his meanings a reversal of values or attitudes. My current immersion in kabbalah, tarot, and astrology is just such a reversal. I no longer scoff. Pushing past my skepticism, finding the value. Appreciative inquiry as Jamie teaches.
Setting aside the how and the why. Allowing the learning to flow, even if I can’t understand how it works, or why. Tough for empirical me. But, doing it.
Another card I had recently, The Star, had this note: “You may develop a calm, clear confidence in the future…You may be the recipient of much love at this time.” This was two days ago. Three majors in as many days. Big changes, happenings, currents. Flow.
The future does seem clearer now. I’m moving with more confidence into it, too. Joseph and Seoah. Navigating the Jon struggles with some grace. Connecting to Ruth and Gabe often. CBE, too. The Ancient Ones on Sunday mornings. Diane on Wednesdays. Mark’s communicating again. The Johnson clan every two weeks or so. These relationships, more than anything else, define my future. I’ve learned that over the time since Kate died.
As the Star suggested, I have been the recipient of much love over the whole time since Kate’s death. And, it has changed me. Helped me see the fourth phase, my hermit phase, as linked still to the lives of others. Not a retreat from love, but an embrace of it. Yet. Living my life somewhat apart, in the Hermitage. Focusing on the creative, the scholarly. Cooking. Caring for the dogs. Loving and being loved.
Mirrors to my soul. These cards say, hey! Notice this. And, that. Pay attention. Let intuition free. Follow her. Astrology, too, though in a very different way.
In the Astrology and Kabbalah class I’m focused on reading my natal chart. Learning how to read it so I can understand what it means. Planets, houses, aspects, sun signs, rising signs, the moon. They are also mirrors. Have you seen this in your life? How about this? Learning.
The induction range came yesterday. Two Latino guys delivered it, then called later in the day to tell me the old range was on its way to someone that needed it. Glad to hear that. Kept intending to check my cookware with a magnet. Finally did it yesterday. So. My cast iron skillet. I knew that one. And, thankfully, my big stock pot which I use for soups. The rest, however? Not so much. I’ll give them to Jon or to the Mountain Resource Center. Buying a new set. Feels rights. New kitchen. New stove. New pots and pans.
Saw Jackie, who calls me honey. She colored Kate’s hair and cut it for several years before I started going along. She’s a sweetheart. Reminds me that there are other, more peripheral folks in my life who are loving, too. Now that I’ve looked up from the mirror of grief, I see so much love, so many places.
Today is an open day. Full workout, futzy inbox stuff, work on my Tarot and Kabbalah class. No reason to leave home. Fine with me.
Good exercise yesterday. Cardio. Not yet on the HIIT, gonna plan it a bit more. Had more than half of the time near heart rate max. What I need more of.
For a long time I’ve wondered about mentors and teachers. Everybody I know seems to have at least one that affected their direction in life. That saw them, identified something others didn’t see. Not me. I appreciated the Gaither’s casting me as the lead in Our Town. And, Miss Hull’s calling in chits to make me President of the 1965 Model U.N. for Indiana. But neither one changed my life. Greg Membrez was a wonderful Latin teacher, gentle and understanding. But, no.
In his tutelage I’ve become a less combative learner, (less, not passive), willing to hear the sentences of the Orthodox Jew on Jewish values and find the middot there. He has subtly reinforced my own beliefs, by supporting me when I express them in his classes. Since I’m a goyim in a synagogue, pagan me finds this amazing.
Jodi from Blue Mountain comes with the cabinetmaker at 11:00. I want to live in a beautiful space. I’m doing the things I can to make that happen. Pruning. Staining the house. Installing ac for a delightful indoor climate. Remodeling the kitchen. Planning to rearrange all the furniture, create conversation areas, reading areas. TV space. Probably paint some inside walls, definitely rehang art.
Thursday gratefuls: Mike Rogers. Bear Creek. Rigel, a warning bark at 4:45. Then, continued warning for a good bit. Noisy girl. Kep slept. Blue Mountain Kitchens. Going with their proposal. Cool nights. The new fitted sheet. Dan Herman and his gifts. A full workout. HIIT. Starting today. CBE. A community of friends, a tribe. My tribe.
I’ve fallen in love. No. Not that kind. Never say never but I’m not seeking a new relationship. At all. No, this love is with the Rocky Mountain Fall. The Elk rut. The shofar of the Mountains, the bugling Bull Elks. Hyperphagia rampant within the Bear Tribe. The gradual change of the Aspens from their quaking green Leaves to small dabs of gold as each Tree transforms, heavy with gold coin.
Speaking of high. Only in Colorado. The past president of CBE, Dan Herman, brings me Vegetables from his Garden. Yesterday bright orange Carrots, sweet red Tomatoes, and a miniature Cantaloupe. Plus. A small plastic baggie of Marijuana buds, still curing. I burnt the resin off the scissors and was high for 4 hours! he said. Smiling.
Returning to HIIT. High intensity interval training. Gotta get my cardio back up in the sweat zone. HIIT is more time efficient, yes, but it also impacts whole body health. Left it behind a few months ago. Picking it up again.
Tomorrow AM Judi from Blue Mountain Kitchens comes by with the new cabinet guy. Measuring. Checking. I’m going with them. The Bear Creek proposal was about twice what I had to spend. Got a sweet message back though from Mike Rogers offering to check Blue Mountain’s proposal. You can lean on us as friends, too, he wrote.
I’m retired. Right? Yeah. Then why do my days seem so full of late? Take Monday. And, yesterday.
Before that I’d seen Dr. Emrie. A good report, this is a good report, he said. Referring to the spirometer test Lisa took last Thursday. You’re fine for now and there things we can do if you begin to get short of breath or these numbers go down. Left that appointment feeling good about my lungs. Not gonna spend much time on them in my head, though I do have a more vigorous core workout segment in my new program.
While waiting on him I got good news from Blue Mountain Kitchens. The new cabinet maker whose website I posted last Thursday. He will match the cabinet estimates in Blue Mountain’s bid. Means I’ll get much more sophisticated cabinetry at a price I already know I can afford. Unless Bear Creek really wows me, I’m going with Blue Mountain.
This course has a lot of content, just like the Tarot class, and most of it new to me. What I like. I can swim in this ocean.
Ta dah. First. Got through the Lakewood Social Security office phone maze. Tends to drop you out with no warning. Live human! Who empathized and contacted the guy who had my application for spousal benefits. Who in turn said he had adjudicated it that very day and it was “out for payment.” 3-5 business days. We’ll see about that. I started the process in April. April. That’s the last major item of the administrative matters necessitated by Kate’s death. I think.
Admitted to Marilyn and Irv I’m fed up with having to think about the corona virus. And, feel like I’m too cautious about it. Canceling my trip to Minnesota, for example. Yet. This lung stuff with the paralyzed diaphragm. Not sure how to weigh benefits and risks. Caution trumps it all. I’m no adrenaline junkie, but neither do I consider myself risk averse. I wanna get out and do stuff. But. I don’t wanna die yet. Damn it.
Saturday gratefuls: Kep and Rigel. Kep’s cytopoint shot. Mark in Saudi Arabia. Mary in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Diane still in San Francisco. The Ancient Ones: Maine, Minnesota, Colorado. Jon. His suffering. Ruth, her depression. Coyote HVAC. Possible fancy cabinet maker for the kitchen. At a reasonable? price. The new hearing aid and the Roger.
Mini-split installation proceeds. David and his helper were here until 3 yesterday. Heat pump installed next to the chimney on the outside wall for the main splits. Heat pump installed on the east (or so) facing side of the garage for the loft unit.
When asked how his emotions fared, he replied, I’m doing ok. And, I believe him. He has a new possibility, being on permanent disability, and will probably get approved at least for medical leave through January.
Eight of Cups:
Not to bury the lede. Lisa, my pulmonologist’s p.a. equivalent, ran a spirometry test on me yesterday. If you haven’t had one, they’re simple. After clipping my nostrils shut, she gave me a device, see above, into which I inhaled a deep breath and then blew out for six seconds. Harder than it sounds.
