Monthly Archives: December 2025

Dogs, Feelings, Friends

Come Again No More

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Samain and the Shadow Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Sadness. Shadow at Natalie’s. Snow yesterday. Resilience. Hard times*. Grief. Missing my dog. Weak. Mountains. Appalachians. Blue Ridge. The Piedmont. Wasatch. Sierra. Cascades. Wind River Range. The Rockies. Tectonic Plates. Subduction. Orogeny. Basalt. Gneiss. Granite. Shadow Mountain. Shadow’s Mountain.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Chesed

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah: Malchut     Wonder.   A feeling of surprise mixed with admiration caused by something beautiful or unexpected.

Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: Guess it shouldn’t have surprised me, but there it was, clutching my heart; she left up the steps on a yellow leash and vanished from my sight, my Shadow, gone as surely as if Clouds had obscured Great Sol’s light, yet paradoxically a shadow remained, making my inner light a chiaroscuro occasioned by a strange mix of hope and grief.

asleep last night at Natalie’s. a hard day of play.

Gotta admit I’ve handled hard times better. I thought. Where’s my resilience? Ironically the topic for the Ancient Brothers this morning. Even more irony? It’s my topic.

Not feeling so resilient. And yet. I recognize this sadness, this listlessness. It’s grief. Some of it retrograde from agreeing with Kate’s choice. Some of it from watching Kepler struggle up the same stairs with the help of Mia and the home vet on his way to euthanasia. Most of it from watching my little Shadow leave. Even though. Even though I knew she was coming back.

I had been ready, no, not ready, but seeing the loving thing might be, probably was, to let her go. Too much like Kate. Too much. And I tried. I offered her to Dr. Josy who put this new plan in motion, bless her. She and Natalie have been so kind. Chesed, loving kindness. Not Jewish alone, a Hebrew word for human compassion. You know it when you feel it.

This morning, right now as I write this, my heart once again feels a bit flayed, a bit constricted, yet there’s also a wiggle, maybe a tail wagging?

My resilience runs through this valley, one where I can’t make  out the valley’s forested and rocky walls, where my energy dissipates at even the thought of moving forward, where tears flow.

Then, slow slow dragging steps. Not yet for me. Not right now, but I take those steps, I will take those steps. I know I will because I have. In having taken them before I know I can and will take them now.

Not today though, because not enough tears. Not enough.

When I spent some time indulging my Civil War interests, I bought a CD of Civil War songs for a road trip to Vicksburg. This one came up for me this morning, a plea, a prayer, a hope no one has the right to expect. And yet…

*Chorus:
‘Tis the song, the sigh of the weary,
Hard Times, hard times, come again no more.
Many days you have lingered around my cabin door;
Oh! Hard times come again no more

;

Art and Culture, Cancer, Dogs, Health

Boarding School and Radiation Vacation

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Samain and the Shadow Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Shadow. Natalie. Dr. Josy. Concerned friends and family. Boarding school. Shadowless. Grief. Darkness, my old friend. Respite care. Joe. Seoah. Murdoch. Vince. Nathan. Dogloo. Preparing an outside space for Shadow. Men’s group. Straw. Hard insulation. Heating pads. Heater for Water bowl.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Resilence

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah: Malchut     Wonder.   A feeling of surprise mixed with admiration caused by something beautiful or unexpected.

Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: Natalie easily clipped on the yellow leash, Shadow calmed after an excited greeting of her old friend and followed her up the stairs and into Natalie’s truck where she waited while Natalie came back down to grab the food, carried it upstairs and I was Shadowless for the first time in ten months, no curled up doggie beside my pillow last night.

 

Dog journal: And so. Shadow is gone. Off to boarding school for a month. Natalie says she is: “A little overwhelmed, but handling it well. All the dogs here accepted her immediately.” She’ll send pictures today.

Dr. Josy examined her and drew blood in preparation for prescribing doggie fluoxetine for her PTSD. Which we all agree she must have since she has stayed outside in bitter cold (for Colorado) in spite of being offered food, warmth, and love. Animals act in their self interest unless something intervenes. Bizarre behavior.

Natalie has found a fifteen pound dog, Alfie, who needs a new home. She will introduce him to Shadow, then to me. Might be of the yappy sort, but if he can help Shadow learn normal doggie behavior, I’ll adapt.

I’ve most often cared for multiple dogs so that will not be a challenge. Question of fit with Shadow and me is the primary issue.

Have to find someone to build the outside dog run. Vince. Nathan, or Joe. One month. I’ve figured out the heated shelter for her and the fencing, the design. Have to settle on a gate. Of course, it is winter but I doubt the ground’s frozen yet. It’s not been cold enough for long enough.

 

Clinac iX. My photo

Health: Got a call from Alise yesterday morning. The Clinac had issues and I couldn’t get my radiation. Not surprised after learning annual maintenance costs on these hyper sophisticated machines runs between three and five hundred thousand dollars.

That would be a high paying blue collar job, technician for radiation machines. Requires a minimum AA degree in biomedical engineering with more complex responsibilities requiring a BS in biomedical engineering. Experienced techs can make a hundred thousand a year or more with additional money coming from overtime pay. I would imagine overtime is plentiful. When these machines are down, patients aren’t getting treatments and hospital/clinics are losing revenue.

Which all means my treatments now extend through Thursday.

BTW: Not sure about home plate in the mid left of this picture.

 

Just a moment: You make think Ukraine, Gaza, whack a drug boat, gerrymandering, or the Supreme’s on tariffs are big news. Well sure they are. But one story rules them all: Netflix buys Warner Brothers, HBO, and HBO MAX. Come on folks, priorities.

 

 

Cancer, Dogs, Health, Politics

Boarding School for Shadow

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Samain and the Shadow Moon

Friday gratefuls: Dr. Josy. Natalie. Boarding school for Shadow. Mountain folk. Tara. Snow. Radiation. T4. Nuclear fission for good. Small nuclear reactors. Good one’s built by a guy I know, a big one in Japan. Garbage people. All one. Garbage president. Cedar-Riverside. A welcoming neighborhood. Affordable housing. Built there. Cedar Riverside PAC. Economic development now at the service of Somali’s.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Dr. Josy and Natalie

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah: Malchut     Wonder.   A feeling of surprise mixed with admiration caused by something beautiful or unexpected.

One brief shining: Crying washes the soul, purifies it with the holy salt Water of love, of caring, of devotion, and my soul went through its holy car wash more than once yesterday as I decided with a terrible and miserable reluctance to try giving Shadow to Dr. Josy, who asked me to call her and explain, and when I did, offered to call Natalie, Shadow’s most recent trainer, see what might come next. I called her.

 

Dog journal: Yesterday Shadow had been with me to the day, ten months. And I tried to give her to Dr. Josy. Overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, confounded I couldn’t see how I could keep Shadow safe from the cold if she wouldn’t come in. She wouldn’t. My love for her meant she had to go somewhere else.

She will. Dr. Josy called Natalie, who used to be her vet tech, and they talked, cooked up a plan. Instead of going to Dr. Josy Natalie will take her for a month’s boarding. Train her with her Dogs on coming in and out, going on a leash while Dr. Josy will do a blood test, then put Shadow on doggy Prozac.

During that time I will have built an enclosure a bit larger than the foot print of my upstairs deck with a heated shelter. Then, when Shadow comes home, she’ll have a much smaller part of the whole back until she has coming in and staying in down at home, too.

Both Natalie and Dr. Josy want to make it possible for me to keep her. Both were concerned about my health and my mental health, too. I am so touched by their caring, both for me and for Shadow. Malchut.

 

The other side: On Tuesday at Rocky Mountain Cancer Care Pat came out from the radiation suite, his long mustache curled up in a smile.

“You next?”

“Yep. Did you leave any radiation for me?”

“Sure did. Asked’em to turn up for you, too.”

“Well. Thanks, dude.”

Later when I had finished he had just seen the doc, I smiled at him and his wife, Sandy. “I felt that, dude.” He laughed. “See you next time,” he said. “Yeah, for the same thing.” He laughed again.

A genuine connection at the heart level. Pat’s a short guy, wore a Western vest under a barn coat, jeans. And that hat. A baseball hat made of American flag cloth with an Eagle on the bill.

Not so different after all, left and right.

 

 

 

 

Dogs, Politics, US History

Baron Samedi and Shadow

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Thursday gratefuls: Loving Shadow. May it mean I need to let her go? Struggling. Anxious. Stressed. 14″ Snow. 9 degrees and she won’t come in. And, yes, I’m grateful to be alive, to struggle. The Jewish way. Part of this world. Radiation. Yes. Same. Sparkling fresh whiteness. Eleanor, who helped. Tara. Her scratch at the door. Hegseth, showing us the problem with unserious men.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Snow

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  SERENITY   Menucha     Serene, literally “at rest/comfortable”                         “In Jewish tradition, ‘menucha’ (מְנוּחָה) signifies a profound state of spiritual and physical rest, tranquility, peace, and fulfillment, going far beyond merely ceasing work. It is a core concept tied to the Sabbath (Shabbat) and the ultimate spiritual destiny of the soul.” Gemini

Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: As the 9 degree cold slumps across the threshold that may separate Shadow from a life here, my fingers feel it as I type this, hoping hoping that she will lift her reluctance long enough to just let me close the door, no longer for me, I am warm, but for her so I can once again nurse the delusion that this is working. She does not.

 

Dog journal: Sometimes love is not enough. I’m seriously considering calling Dr. Josy, who took an instant liking to this mostly sweet girl. See if she would take her, for good. For her good. For Shadow’s good. For my sorrow at not being what she needed.

Not what I want, but may be what she needs. A new home with an older dog to teach her. Because this old dog can’t seem to do it.

Oh. I hate this. So deep in my heart.

 

Just a moment: Beginning to wonder if what has happened in the Caribbean may represent a toxic combination of Hegseth/Trump little boys playing war with the more serious culture of men tasked with doing the nation’s dirty work. Whatever it takes. By any means necessary. Only doing it always far from the public eye. Naive to the ways of valueless men, men without honor, men only interested in some middle-school fantasy of us against them. Feels like somebody needs to declare recess over.

Could this be the rallying cry that brings Congress alive, resuscitated from the zombie dust blown in their faces?  Baron Samedi sits in the White House, his skeletal face hidden by corpulence, corruption, greed, and a lust for power. His usual disguise.

Perhaps the Democrats need a seance with the spirit of Marie Levaeux. Use her knowledge for the 2026 campaign. This time calls for fighting the oligarchs on ground they understand but do not own, what evil lurks in the hearts of men and how best it might be combatted. Don’t think her advice could be any worse than the Dems are getting right now.

I, for one, would sit at that table, recognizing the power of other traditions, other ways of understanding how to engage the important battles of this age.

Dogs, Weather +Climate

The Continuing Adventures…

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Samain and the Radiation Moon (5 down, 5 to go)

 

Wednesday gratefuls: Byte by byte. My weekly companions Paul, Tom, Diane. Tara and Eleanor, here twice yesterday. Feeling weary. Snow. A lot. Shadow, the mystery dog. Radiation. Varian’s Clinac iX. The drive down the hill and through the Hogback westward to Broadway. My pain free left hip, back, leg. A sense of, what? Melancholy.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: First Big Snow

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  SERENITY   Menucha     Serene, literally “at rest/comfortable”                         “In Jewish tradition, ‘menucha’ (מְנוּחָה) signifies a profound state of spiritual and physical rest, tranquility, peace, and fulfillment, going far beyond merely ceasing work. It is a core concept tied to the Sabbath (Shabbat) and the ultimate spiritual destiny of the soul.” Gemini

Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: When I needed her, her and Eleanor, Tara hopped in her Pilot at 8:00 pm, with the sound of the Snow plow already heard in the land, and drove over here a second time, a confused Eleanor all black bouncy yeah I’m here energy as she came downstairs to rescue her stubborn friend Shadow from a night outside in the cold as a 10″ Snow began to fall.

Dog journal: The undoing of what seemed like a surefire incentive. Since our midsummer crisis when Shadow would not come in at night, the sound of food hitting the metallic bottom of her food bowl would bring her inside even if nothing else would. She chose a dark, cold, Snowy December evening to reject it.

She huddled first in a favorite spot from the summer, directly under the open bedroom window. Later I think she found shelter behind the garage or in the far northwest corner of the property.

Her food plinked into her bowl several times as I tried to cajole her to come inside. As she often does, she would come in part way, guarding her escape path through the open door, disappearing outside if I hinted at getting up.

Tara and Eleanor had come over at 1:30 for a playdate. Tara says Shadow is Eleanor’s best friend. They romp and run, playbow, chase each other. Doggie buddies.

As a literal last resort, I texted Tara and asked her to bring Eleanor over to get Shadow back inside. It’s a big ask at 7:45, I know. They came.

The minute Eleanor clambered down the stairs and over to the door, Shadow was there. They played outside briefly. Tara let them in, Shadow eagerly following Eleanor into the house. The door closed and that event was over. Shadow jumped up on Tara, happy to see her again so soon.

After Tara and Eleanor went home, I fed Shadow her evening meal. Which she enjoyed, wagging her tail. Happy to be inside.

Whaa?

 

Weather. The Snow has begun to accumulate inch by soft white inch. Our first big Snow of the season. I’m canceling my radiation session for today. Travel warnings are out for the day. A good thing since a combination of Shadow drama and radiation induced fatigue has me wrung out and hung up to dry.

 

General, Hawai'i

Aloha

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Shadow who behaves like the wind or water carving a stream bed. Wu wei all the way.  Neck brace, trigeminal nerve problems. Wouldn’t ya know. Maddie. Conversion. Tom’s last campaign. Christopher. Paul. Sylvan. Putin. Zelensky. Rubio. Hegseth. Tara and Eleanor coming today.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Shema

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  SERENITY   Menucha     Serene, literally “at rest/comfortable”                         “In Jewish tradition, ‘menucha’ (מְנוּחָה) signifies a profound state of spiritual and physical rest, tranquility, peace, and fulfillment, going far beyond merely ceasing work. It is a core concept tied to the Sabbath (Shabbat) and the ultimate spiritual destiny of the soul.” Gemini

Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: A day, several years ago, at Da Fish Shack on the Island of Kauai, listening to the waves of the wide Pacific hit the shore just beyond the front door, an extra week on Kauai time, a slower primal time that speaks of Volcanoes grown tall, then dormant, then extinct traveling on their ride or die, the great Tectonic Plate carrying this quiet rural place toward China, no hurry though.

 

Hawai’i. A place of so many memories. That first year at the Maui Weston, securing permission from the sugar company to climb the old, old Mountain toward the Lahaina L. Didn’t make it. Got lost, legs bleeding from thorny bushes, sweating with exertion and heat. Found the car, feeling wonderful. While Kate dutifully sat in class after class.

The morning walk into Lahaina, long before the fire, following the Shoreline, finding a restaurant and ordering Mahi-Mahi and poached eggs.

Much, much later. Hickam AFB on Oahu. May, 2021. Kate dead less than month. Crying at Joseph and Seoah’s table. I miss her so much.

Kate dressed fancy, Island fancy. Making our way through the cool evening, past so many rental cars, to Mama’s Fish House. Maybe celebrating my birthday. Reading on the menu the name of the one who caught the Ono, the Ahi, the Opakapaka, Mahi-Mahi. Holding hands. Deep in love. Then. Now.

Walking into the lobby of the Mauna Kea for the first time seeing the white Sand Beach and the blue Water framed by its entry way teak pillars. A hotel built around art collected by Laurence Rockefeller while traveling the Pacific Rim.

Later that evening after dining outdoors, walking away from the hotel to the underwater lights highlighting the gentle flying of Giant Manta Rays, their wide mouths making them look like an organic simulacrum of a 1950’s car design.

Standing next to Halemaumau, then deep, the home of Pelé, goddess of Volcanoes. Palm Fronds, empty liquor bottles, colorful leis scattered round its rim.

Later walking on sharp Lava out toward the Lava streams, moving toward the Water, giving the lie to they aren’t making any more of it. Steam boiling up from the much cooler Pacific as the Big Island got bigger still.

We loved Hawai’i, Kate and me. Like so many. Leis made of memories and gentle moments together.

 

Politics

Even Fiction Requires Logic

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Monday gratefuls: Todd. Alise. Jenna. Dr. Carter. Ruth. Cold outside. Shadow, the hugger. Football. Basketball. Christopher. Paul. Minnesota nights. Rum River. Carlos Avery. Boot Lake SNA. Lake George. Cedar Creek research facility of the UofM. Oak Savannah. Great Anoka Sand Plain. Glacial River Warren. The last Ice Age. Woolly Mammoths. Sabre Tooth Tigers.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Pukaskwa National Park

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  SERENITY   Menucha     Serene, literally “at rest/comfortable”                         “In Jewish tradition, ‘menucha’ (מְנוּחָה) signifies a profound state of spiritual and physical rest, tranquility, peace, and fulfillment, going far beyond merely ceasing work. It is a core concept tied to the Sabbath (Shabbat) and the ultimate spiritual destiny of the soul.” Gemini

Tarot: Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: A bit of Snow covers the backyard, Dog tracks crisscrossing it near the backdoor, Artemis rests, holding  only Garlic planted in early November, over the leech field tall Grasses, now brown; that leaning Lodgepole Derek cut down stacked in logs to season since it blew over while still alive, the Aspen beyond my bedroom window skeletal, the fallow time has come.

 

Dog journal: So. Now she comes in when she will, but does come in, in her own time. This, my Shadow, is enough for me.

The continuing adventures of Donald: Hegseth denies. Well, of course, he does. The Weasel. Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to disparage Weasel kind. Nope. He’s the fourth grader caught with his hand in the teacher’s candy jar. T’wasn’t me, miss. I swear.

I trust Washington Post reporters far, far more than that guy who never saw a tube of pomade he didn’t like.  Deny. Deny. Deny. If, in this case, as the JAG lawyers said, this “second tap” is a war crime, and/or outright murder, I’d hide under my desk, too.

Under the norms of a long ago America-what’s that? It’s been less than a year? Really?-this scandal would sink Hegseth and the President he rode in on. Today? Might mean more square footage for the Great Gatsby Gilded ballroom. Or, some other deflection like, for example, hey, Bondi, investigate Democrats in the Epstein files.

Oh, no. I’ve got it! He could pardon the former President of Honduras, a convicted narcotrafficker, while returning to the Rooseveltian days of gunboat diplomacy against the President of Venezuela, because, well, because Maduro is a, what is it? A narcotrafficker.

No, you could not make this stuff up. Not because people wouldn’t believe it, but because even fiction has to have an internal logic. And, this guy, red tie guy, acts by whim and fancy with a healthy dose of greed and self-interest to season the stew.

I read The Bulwark on Substack, a collection of conservatives, real conservatives, who find all of this as despicable as I do. In their Thanksgiving Day post, Trump is Exploiting Tragedy to Burn This Country Down, JV Glass and Sarah Longwell, in reacting to red tie guy’s screed against immigrants from poor countries as his response to the despicable murder of Sarah Beckstrom, referred to a long post on Truth Social, in which among many, many horrible things, the President (or, more likely, his ghost Stephen Miller) discuss denaturalization for naturalized American citizens. Both Joseph and Seoah are naturalized citizens.

 

Here are excerpts from that post compiled by Chatgpt:

  • Trump wrote he would “permanently pause migration from all ‘Third World Countries.’” Reuters+2VPM+2

  • He said the pause would allow “the U.S. system to fully recover.” VPM+1

  • “Only REVERSE MIGRATION can fully cure this situation.” AP News+2VPM+2

  • He pledged to “terminate” millions of admissions made under the previous administration, including those he described as “illegal admissions … signed by … Sleepy Joe Biden’s autopen.” MarketScreener+1

  • He promised to end all federal benefits and subsidies for non-citizens. MarketScreener+1

  • He vowed to “denaturalize migrants who undermine domestic tranquility” and deport any foreign national deemed a “public charge, security risk, or non-compatible with Western civilization.” MarketScreener+2Reuters+2

  • He wrote that many foreign-born U.S. residents “are on welfare, from failed nations, or from prisons, mental institutions, gangs, or drug cartels.” AP News+1